Day 139

Really lousy day.

Work has been fairly wretched all week but today was just the worst. Conference first thing then the daily huddle then off to a site visit and back to a whole slew of problems plus work.

On the home front I'm still trying to get used to the idea of Middle going down to Chaos South for a long holiday weekend ... Spouse and Eldest are already there and Youngest is with her grandmother in town so it will be just me and ABL and the beagle. Even though my own vacation starts a week from today I spent most of the day grumping to myself about being Cinderella stuck working while the rest of the family had fun.

All that and nothing good on the lunch line either. In the late afternoon when I realized just how much I had still to do before I could leave the fully formed thought "and wouldn't a nice cold beer really hit the spot once you get home?" popped right into my head. That was startling as I don't even much -like- beer. It passed quickly enough but it's kind of weird to go so long not even thinking about it only to have it be there again.

O e good thing in all the bad though: instead of struggling with a case I asked for help. Just flat-out said to the one colleague in my department whose opinion I value and to whom I hate looking dumb "I haven't seen this since residency and not much then so I have no freaking clue what I'm looking at."  He was not only happy to help but totally gracious about it and I am pleased with myself for being able to cut through all my internal bullshit and get to the right place relatively quickly. Progress.

Worked on self-love too but that isn't going as well. The Hypervritcal Asshole who lives in my head doesn't shut up easily.

Got way too lonely, angry, tired and hungry this afternoon so once again I made sure to sit down with a snack first thing when I got home. Made a huge difference too.

The bad thing about getting sober is that you have to feel all the feelings but the good thing is that you get to feel all the feelings because then you can work through them and actually have some personal growth. I could do with a few more -positive- feelings though.