Wednesday, November 30, 2016

Day 194

An interesting day thus far.

This morning I noticed that my good buddy Toradol was only cutting my pain by about half to two-thirds, not all the way down to "damned near nuthin'." That was odd but hey, tendinitis is a bitch, right?

I went for my "just to be safe rule-out" X-ray and after it was done the X-ray tech weirdly asked me if I could wait in the waiting area for a few minutes "to make sure the doctor sees the films" and then after a while she said I could go ahead and leave "but you're going to be in the building today, right?" That was odd too...but I forgot all about it once I got back to my office.

After a meeting I went to the ZOO of a surgical clinic where I learned that "orthopedic boot" is code for "removable walking cast" and shortly thereafter learned that the freaking thing made it hurt -far- worse than nothing at all.  I wore it for about ten minutes till I could get back down to my office and take it off with thoughts of stopping at the drugstore for a good old-fashioned ACE wrap or some kind of elastic brace and I was mad my Toradol seemed to have worn all the way off a little before its six-hour mark.  I was in the middle of a whiny email rant to a friend of mine about the cost in both dollars and aggravation of finding out I had the same peroneal tendinitis I had diagnosed the day the pain started when the attending from last night called me with X-ray results: Acute fracture of the distal left fibular metadiaphysis. This would be fancy-talk for "freaking broken, is what." 

That explains the lousy pain relief and the weird X-ray tech and the worsening not improving swelling...and also means my family was right to nag me to see someone. Pretty clearly reinforces "that's nuts, Mom" regarding my worrying about being thought a whiner or a baby....the doctor saod she was fooled and apologized not once but twice for the misdiagnosis! Obviously growing up with a crazylady whose best crazys involved sickness of varying kinds has totally warped my perspective, subsequent training notwithstanding.  Useful life lesson there.

Another useful life lesson: when the PrimeCare scheduler put me through to the Orthopedics scheduler I couldn't get an appointment till late Monday afternoon which probably wasn't that bad in the grand scheme of things but was psychologically bothersome - it seemed wrong for my own healthcare system to say "now that we know it's broken it's still okay to walk on it another 4.5 days."  In an exceedingly rare burst of RHIP (rank hath its privilege) I had my secretary, who used to work in surgical scheduling, play the Insider card to move up the appointment to 10:15 tomorrow morning...and I don't even feel guilty about it.

-Much later-

It was a rough evening. Two days of poking and prodding plus that awful pain-inducing orthopedic boot caught up with me as I was getting dinner. It was like I hadn't even taken the damned Toradol and I couldn't get to the couch fast enough. Once there I couldn't find a position,  even lying down, that didn't hurt at least a little. Was a weepy angry whiny self pitying mess for a while but I remembered "reach out; don't isolate" and texting with family helped. Eventually the swelling went down enuogh that I was merely uncomfortable and not completely miserable. The pisser is that I didn't DO anything to it. No fall, no twist, not even stepping on a rock. Will probably have to get a bone density scan because "stress fracture at just barely 50" is considered abnormal. Especially with no actual injury. Freaking fibula just decided to break itself for no good reason.

Didn't want a drink through any of it so that was good.

Tuesday, November 29, 2016

Day 193

Long day.

Every single person who heard I had an appointment about my foot/leg said "good!" with surprising emphasis. On the way in I told Middle, "even though sitting here it hurts when I flex it I'm still afraid they will think I'm a whiner or a baby or a faker." Never one to mince words, he said, "that's crazy, Mom." I know. Being the kid who was part of a fair bit of Munchausens By Proxy really skews one's perspective.

After all the fuss ahead of time it took 2 hrs to find out I have the peroneal tendinitis I diagnosed the day I first got pain...but at least I now have Toradol i.e. Ketorolac i.e. very strong NSAID which severely opiate intolerant I call "the good stuff." Also prescriptions for x ray and an ominous-sounding "orthopedic boot." Nobody thought I was a whiner or a baby or faking it: when the attending came in she was still a couple feet away when she said "oh yeah I see the swelling" and I was -offered- both a work note and narcotic painkiller, neither of which I took.

Energy still low but finally ironed the fabric I've been wanting to do since Saturday...but wisely decided not to attempt pattern layout and cutting yet tonight: much better to wait till I'm less tired.

Oh! Almost forgot: wanted to mention that I have noticed that I am better able to keep track of little trivial things these days. Like "oh yeah there was a spot on that shirt I wanted to spritz with the spray stuff" when loading laundry into the washer. Or remembering grocery items not on the list. Nothing all that important but still. Also I don't seem to be chalking things up to "well, stress" nearly as often either. I don't have -proof- that staying sober is the reason but I do think that's at the root of it. One more thing in the "plus" column.

Monday, November 28, 2016

Day 192

Tiring day.

Site visit at work: couple hours driving for less than an hour of meeting and another one tomorrow in a different direction. Spouse and Eldest back to other house. Made an appointment to get ankle/leg looked at tomorrow afternoon: two weeks is long enough. That triggered a whole bunch of "sick" issues which I don't feel like unpacking now other than to say it was a big achievement to actually go ahead and arrange to be seen and that I've been having to tell myself pretty regularly that I am not a burden or a whiner or a faker. It's kind of working.

No cravings but still eating too much - trying to cut myself a fair bit of slack as there has been the whole holiday chaos on top of pain thing going on...that's kind of working too though not as well.

Creeping toward the new personal best day of 203 bit by bit...that's working great. Have told myself that even if I don't move more than the bare minimum to get from bed to car to office and back again -while- eating a whole damned bag of cookies in a single setting that would all be okay - well, tolerable anyhow - as long as no booze was involved. This isn't a Total Health And Wellness Makeover Plan; this is a Quit Boozing Plan and doesn't need potentially derailing creeping elegance.

Second day in a row I wanted to play with fabric in the evening and was just too freaking tired when the time came...maybe I really -do- need to get the ankle/leg thing fixed up as it is definitely impacting my life. Something to ponder.

Sunday, November 27, 2016

Day 191

Still morning, actually.

It is great to wake up refreshed at quarter past six in a Sunday morning but it is even better to go back to sleep on the couch for another 90 minutes and still get the shopping put away before anyone else is up. Getting salad made and the yard picked up were just bonus. Since I have a Lunchable for ABL and dinner is still a big question mark, ALL my Actual Work of the day was done by ten in the morning...and not just done but done easily and in good spirits because I don't have that dizzy tired vaguely nauseated everything-sucks feeling. Totally worth it. I've even forgiven the dog.

I realize this feeling might not last the whole day but I wanted to note it now.

=Much Later=

Like twelve whole hours later. Glad I wrote something upbeat earlier as the day sort of soured on me...or maybe it was me souring on the day. In either case I ended up irked at most everything before falling asleep on the couch at nine. Have moved from couch to bed and am going right back to sleep as tomorrow begins a whole fresh week of early mornings again. Glad I'm far away from the "oh but it is the last day of the holiday - gotta enjoy it extra much" mentality that would have had me drinking "not -too- very much" even though (hell, because) I'm clearly tired and out of sorts.

Saturday, November 26, 2016

Day 190

Some days you just throw in the towel and go to bed at quarter of nine.

Went to bed grumpy last night but the morning was just so good: Thanksgiving Saturday is a -particularly- nice morning to wake up fully functional and fit as the proverbial fiddle. Had been meaning all day to write about how nice it was to be at the bakery just before eight and get all the stuff done that I needed to do.

Then things spiraled downward. Stupid tendinitis flared badly right around the same time family tensions started flaring...they got loud-ish with one another while I reclined on the couch to get my foot elevated. Girl-beagle has always had a bean bladder and I'm Out Lady so she started carrying on to me to take her out and I made noises about someone else doing it as I didn't want to get up but through one thing and another it didn't happen and she curled up next to me...and peed all over me and the couch. Maybe she was asleep and it was the doggie version of wetting the bed or maybe it was on purpose but in any case that was freaking it for me. The couch is vinyl and had a sheet on it anyhow so no big deal there but I decided after my shower that I was All Done with today.

Which is the best kind of self care as I don't think sitting around watching others drink (again) was really going to be good for me anyhow: I would have gotten as grumpy or more so than last night and that's no way to be. This is better. Blankets, a book...all good.

Friday, November 25, 2016

Day 189

Up and down day.

Work calm; home not. Wasn't even present for any of the chaos but got to hear about it all evening just the same. Got good and tired of it but have made it safely to bed and tomorrow is a whole new day. No cravings at all. Still eating too much and walking to Little but decided to cut myself slack till Spouse & Eldest are back in the other house.

And so it goes.

Thursday, November 24, 2016

Day 188 - US Thanksgiving

Not even noon yet and I'm escaping into the blogosphere after having just purchased more booze for the family.  When I called the liquor store at 10:20 the owner answered and said they'd be open till 5 then closed for dinner from 5 to 7 then open again from 7 to 9.  After telling the family along with "so you're set" I thought "wow, they really know this holiday, don't they?"

Eldest has gin in the house - she's the only one who drinks it - and at 8:30 this morning I had a brief romanticized image of sipping some on the rocks with club soda and lime for that burny-on-empty-stomach rush...but I got over it. Reminded myself that morning drinking -never- had a good outcome ever-ever-ever and that I needed my wits about me for the visit of Lursa and B'etor later in the day.

It's gonna be a tense day though; rest of family already edgy, Eldest is needlessly stressed over the food prep and of course drinking has begun. However I got a somewhat surprising burst of support from the family as I was preparing to go get the libations: they were teasing about "except for Mom...she's the -determined- Designated Driver" and I said something about "these past couple days have been pretty hard" and Spouse said "oh I wouldn't let you even if you wanted to right now; I'd knock the drink out of your hand.  I'm so proud and envious of you" and I said "well, today is Day 188 and I'm not about to mess that up--I really want to get past where I did last time" and Eldest cut in to say "that's really pretty amazing, Mom. There are people who go to AA and do the chips and everything and they don't get that far."  Then I shared that what I really wanted was a whole year which was May 21 and got more support including "...and we'll stop making fun of you.  For that anyway." 

I count that as a pretty big win.

Also decided what my 6-month treat would be: new undies. Nothing fancy or exotic or exciting but I had let my current stuff get on the ratty side and realized "hey, you're _fifty_ now and that's old enough that you never know if something will happen healthwise so you never know....and maybe that sounds a bit morbid but back in my twenties I -did- have an accident with a rat water bottle and ended up getting a nerve repaired in my thumb with what *I* thought would be local and a sedative but which turned out to be I went to sleep in one hospital johnny and woke up in a completely different one and yes I -had- been wearing my rattiest pair of underpants so there you are.

But I got the stuff in my Joann's Fabrics shopping cart too just to have a toy.

And now the stress has really begun because B'etor is on her way without Lursa and Eldest is going completely off the rails with the food. More later.

--Much Later--

Have just climbed under the covers thinking "we DID it!" as far as surviving turkey day with Lursa and B'etor...I mean Scylla and Charybdis...I mean my aunt-in-law and mother-in-law. Spouse ordered the Brazilian spirit Cashaca (pretend that second c has a dangly tail) and that turned out to be a smart move because MiL likkered up is easier to do business with. As mentioned, everyone else started drinking way early in the day but fortunately by the time they were to the sloppy getting on my sober nerves stage it was time to drive the old ladies home and get son in law off to work. The radio gods rewarded me on the way back with "Fanfare for the Common Man" on the classical station; that was a nice thing. Overall the day wasn't nearly as bad as everyone had made it out to be (even me) and it is OVER...with long term benefit of now having dining room and front room clean/useable again.

Sober: it's what's for dinner.

Wednesday, November 23, 2016

Day 187

An up-and-down day.

Morning started off on an amusing note: the sewing I did earlier in the week was a scrub top from turkey-print fabric available only through Jo-Ann's. Yeah, well...the very first person I saw coming the other way was wearing the exact same scrub top I was! What are the odds?!!? Well, okay, she had a chest pocket with her name machine-embroidered on it but otherwise it was the same. I said "hey I like your shirt" while pointing at mine and we had a good laugh. Turns out she has a friend who makes the tops for her as sort of a "scrubs-of-the-month" club which I think is sweet...and the friend can have way more fun with it as the woman works in Pediatrics so she can be way more whimsical. 

So that was all good as was the reception it got in my own department - everyone liked the turkey top.

Home, on the other hand, not so hot. Much drama surrounding tomorrow's supposedly-festive meal. I'm pretty sick of all the fuss and it hasn't even happened yet. Plus I had passing drinking thoughts - nothing lasting or seeming very serious but there all the same. Was tired and achy and hungry when it happened and thinking about how everyone -else- in the family was indulging but for once I had kind of -expected- to be hit with That Voice so I was able to think it right through to how lousy I would feel on multiple levels in multiple ways and how not-worth-it that would be.

I'll sure be glad for it to be All Over tomorrow evening though...that is for certain sure.

Tuesday, November 22, 2016

Day 186

Not great most of today.

Teared up over an article about the Thanksgiving favorites of the America's Test Kitchen staff. Got me thinking of all the vile Thanksgivings Past. Also I'm already dreading the arrival of Scilla & Charybdis (MiL & her sister) for the meal itself. Sick of the chaos. Tired of the stupid tendinitis which gets better but not -enough- better. Ate way too much junk and called it dinner. Hate fucking turkey to eat. Hate even -having- Thanksgiving with Standing Rock turning so ugly but don't dare parade that opinion around the family. Got a big dose of the supermarket just now and it was a complete zoo....I swear it doesn't even -surprise- me that Trump got in. Somewhere along the way we let Big Business take over everything and instead of putting -thought- and -effort- into fixing it we just turned up the hate another notch and got more cheap throwaway shit from third world countries. Okay nuffa that...kicking soapbox back under couch now.


Things improved from that nadir. The aspirin kicked in for one thing and I finished my top for another. Even bathed one of the dogs which is never as big a deal as overcoming the mental hurdle to just -do- it is.

I -am- thankful for stuff; it just irks me to have it all rolled up and tied to one particular holiday. One of the things for which I am thankful is the sober blogosphere. It does make a difference...a big one.

Monday, November 21, 2016

Day 185

Six month soberthday.

Not a bad day, either. Still haven't figured out, much less obtained/done/had a treat but it is definitely on the list.

Got way too hungry this evening and was awfully cranky for a while but food fixed it right up. No desire to drink and after Saturday I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything either. Spent the time from after dinner till now sewing which kept me on a different level of the house entirely and allowed me to completely ignore the drinking going on elsewhere and not start in on any kind of judgment or indignation wrapped in a thin layer of concern. Staying occupied with my own things and my own life was a good way to sidestep all that sticky stuff, emotionally speaking, that is. Live and let live (which I will forever associate with the 1980 movie Flash Gordon because Dale says it to Ming early on.)

Still with the leg, still too heavy on the carbs, still dreading the stupid turkey day...but not getting totally bent out of shape or whackadoo about any of it.

Sunday, November 20, 2016

Day 184

Morning, actually. Not even nine yet.

I don't start posts in the morning because I'm still a bit superstitious of whatever the day might bring but I've had the cranky pants of late and wanted to share something right away even if it's comes off as pretty much just schadenfreude. The big winter holiday season is nigh upon us which means everyone will be pushing alcohol even more than they already do...and if holding tight to this feeling will help me maybe knowing about it will help someone else and it is this:

There is nothing quite so calming and satisfying as waking up sober after a night of alcohol-fueled emotional chaos. Nothing. Knowing you were sober the night before, that you slept a restful sleep and are now totally ready to face the new day while others around you are in varying stages of sleep and is both a supreme endorsement of the rightness behind choosing sobriety and a humbling reminder of what could have been. It isn't "pride" in the usual sense of the word but definitely is "a complete lack of shame" which I suppose might be considered pride. In any case it is the internal from-me-to-me warm fuzzy that I didn't realize quite how badly I needed till I got it.

Plus it is Sunday morning which is always a nice time to be sober. I made biscuits for the family (just Bisquik; I'm lazy) and got them the perfect degree of done-ness...two with butter and honey have satisfied body along with soul. Hitting "save" for now.

Twelve Hours Later:

Y'know what I discovered today? A good way to get little splinters of glass off a textured linoleum floor is to use one of those lint rollers that is basically big masking tape sticky side out. Also that shoveling snow doesn't aggravate tendinitis right away but several hours later? Ohmahghawd. That's the main reason I'm in bed for the night at barely 8:30: to get the hell off that ankle/leg and get it elevated so the swelling goes down some.

Impending Thanksgiving still pretty much sucks but it is being totally handled by others. I have nominated myself Primary Beagle-Minder so as to have an excuse to be away from my unpleasant in-laws and the inevitable alcohol.

Despite fallout from last night, the weather and the stupid leg I still got everything done that I wanted to accomplish today. That always feels good. Didn't overeat -quite- as much, either. Also good.

Saturday, November 19, 2016

Day 183

Gah. Cranky day.

Too many dishes, not enough attention, no particular fun to be had and my damned leg/ankle still isn't all the way better. Irritable beyond words. Eating too much categorically, eating too many  carbs specifically but staying sober. Surprisingly although I'm edgy enough to chew neutron in I don't want to _drink_...I just want a life going entirely differently right now. I -really-hate- Thanksgiving and it has turned into THE household event of the whole frigging week as Eldest is doing all the cooking (at her strong request) and is making much of it. Which I could tolerate a lot better if I didn't know I had an afternoon of my unpleasant in-laws at the end of it all.

It's only Saturday night and I'm already looking forward to Monday. Sigh.

Much Later...

Nobody ever once said "gee I really regret not getting drunk and emotional." Had an up-close reminder why this sobriety thing is better. Wish I could do more to help because I have been on the other side of the street enough to feel plenty of empathy (along with annoyance; not that noble.) Hope time and the dawn of a new day both help.

Holding on tightly to that 203 number coming up. Not quite three weeks away now.

Friday, November 18, 2016

Day 182

Rough day, emotionally speaking.

Next week is Thanksgiving and I absolutely hate Thanksgiving. Too many awful ones growing up, too many awful ones as a young adult, the history is questionable and it's not a vegetarian-friendly meal, even for us lacto-ovo types. Plus in-laws. Joy. I would so much rather order Chinese take-out and pretend I'd never heard of pilgrims. Maybe next year.

Overdid it yesterday and twisted funny this morning so the stupid leg was worse instead of better which didn't help either...and first thing tomorrow morning I have to take ABL to an appointment.

Also I feel like the only sober person on the planet. Well, in the county anyhow. Okay, fine: just the family...but it gets tiresome.

Fortunately I know to let things wash over me and through me till I can make an early bedtime of it which is exactly what I just did. Tomorrow is a whole new day.

Thursday, November 17, 2016

Day 181

Moody day.

Relatively quiet at work but plenty of family drama. Getting better at at least recognizing and acknowledging my feelings even if I choose not to do anything about them. For someone who spent most of her life smothering "bad" feelings with food and booze this is still fairly big. Being able to sit  there in the same room with someone having negative feelings about them and not having a huge wave of shame/guilt while trying to get rid of the feelings is stunning. I -can- in fact think both bad -and- good feelings about the same person at the same time and that's okay. Probably normal, even.

Even now it is still hard to feel all the feelings but it gets easier bit by bit. Like the tendinitis.

Wednesday, November 16, 2016

Day 180

Long day.

Leg enough better for me to be mad it isn't all the way better yet. Down to intermittent aspirin instead of clockwork-regular; my platelets no doubt thank me.

Don't have a good six-month treat thought up yet but the actual six-month -day-  is the 21st so I figure I will come up with SOMEthing in the next 5 days.

The really big approaching  milestone is 203 days - I only made it to Day 202 last time. Took a lot longer to get my momentum back than I would have liked: six and a half weeks of on again/off again before finally getting back on track. Was telling Spouse just a bit ago how much I was looking forward to a whole year this time. That still seems far away though.

Tuesday, November 15, 2016

Day 179

Got through the day. That's enough.

Had my long-anticipated difficult meeting this afternoon and once again it was nowhere near as bad as I'd dreaded it being.

Leg definitely getting better but still annoying. Between that and some minor family drama I am completely drained. But that's what bed is for.

180 days tomorrow -- that feels like real progress.

Maybe one of these days I will finally start a post earlier in the day so that I can manage more than a few sentences before sleepiness wins.

Not tonight though.

Monday, November 14, 2016

Day 178

A better day.

Rest and steady NSAID are improving the leg. Drove home which was sad-making because it draws attention to the fact that I have a really great job in a really lousy location. However once I got home and settled things seemed less bad. Probably because the yarn for my new sweater came and turned out to be a lovely texture - nicer than the (now discontinued) stuff I used before.

It's late, I'm tired and I have a big day tomorrow so that's all for now. No urges or cravings though I believe I was a tad too harsh in the "no" part of "no, thank you" when Eldest offered the rest of a bottle of sparkling wine she and Son-in-Law had opened.

Sunday, November 13, 2016

Day 177

And then it all went sour.

Still sober - fret not about that - but my left leg is amazingly sore and it is casting gloom over the entire day.

Eldest offered to come along on my walk and it was just so pleasant - walking and chatting and enjoying a beautiful day and the company. Then at -just-past- the halfway point (funnier that way of course) the lower outer part of my left leg started getting more and more sore with every step. Was okay standing still and pointing my toes but bearing weight and rolling off it were getting so painful I had to stop twice and still had a definite limp by the time we got back. Exquisitely tender to touch on the tendons about an inch above my ankle bone and stairs...oh they suck a lot.

So I'm thinking I have peroneal tendinitis and stunned by what a silly little kid response I'm having inside. Mostly over "now I have to break my walking streak, dammit!" I don't know exactly how or why the 10k-steps per-day became SO important to me but it much so that I did laps around the living room the past couple nights just to hit the magic number. ( In retrospect that probably didn't help all that much what with all the plant-and-turn at the [many] corners.) Now I'm angry because I don't think I'll get past the 8k I have now and all the "but it is just a number" talk to myself isn't helping much. Not sure why I'm taking an actual freaking injury so badly but there are definitely mental voices telling me this is some kind of weakness or failure and that's kind of nutty.


A prescription-strength slug of ibuprofen and good Chinese food helped for a while...but even with the NSAID on board it still hurt to walk, amazingly so when I unexpectedly stepped on a piece of ice on the kitchen floor. I've gone from being mad to being resigned with a huge side dish of sad - this feels like the sort of thing which is gonna last at least past tomorrow which means I'm gonna be stuck dealing with it at work and I hate that but it can't be helped and now that the earlier dose of anti-inflammatory wore off I'm not even much caring as I mostly just want the pain to go away. I'm in bed for the night after taking real aspirin and a muscle relaxer -- not sure the latter will help in any way other than making me sleepy but right now that will be enough.

There was a minor family kerfuffle earlier and I burst into tears for a bit of a cry: rather unlike me but not really u expected, I guess. I was still dealing with low-level free-floating no-reason sadness -before- this damned leg thing.

No booze thoughts though, so that's good.

Here's hoping it is much better in the morning.

Saturday, November 12, 2016

Day 176

Quietly good day. 

Drive to other house. Hung with family. Ate too much good food. No urges or cravings.

Friday, November 11, 2016

Day 175

Draggy day.

No motivation because I've been sad all day. Don't really know -why- but have had the Big Sad all day long. Almost weepy at points feeling like everyone else is somehow having a more/better/happier/more enjoyable life.

So after getting the gottas done I decided to go to bed at barely nine on a Friday night. BIG excitement there. But hey, I have a book and I'm driving to the other house in the morning so the sooner I get up, the sooner I can hit the road and the sooner I will be done with the driving.

Didn't want to drink but -did- get a flare of anger overhearing some mildly tipsy people when I was out today. Wasn't quite sure if it was "how dare YOU get to enjoy something I can't any more" or its more self-centered cousin "dammit why can't -I- have fun like that any more?" but it was pretty short-lived. I don't really want to go back down -that- tiring and time-consuming path; I think it was more not being happy with what I -do- have these days. However even if I can't get behind the emotional. Emerita, the physical benefits of sobriety are unarguable: lower blood pressure, better sleep, better concentration, better lipid profile - it is objectively worthwhile even when I get sulky.

Tomorrow is a whole new day. That always helps.

Thursday, November 10, 2016

Day 174

Long day.

Youngest is playing Baker's Wife in the high school production of Into The Woods and tonight was opening night. It was good and she was good in it. However even though I had heard of the show I had never seen the show so it came as a surprise to have her killed just offstage partway through the second act. Glad I went, of course, but it was a -long- show: three hours including intermission.

Earlier in the day I had a serious case of resentment over nothing I could put my finger on specifically but at least that went away.

The days are piling up; soon I will be at 6 months.

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

Day 173

A subdued day.

Spent too much time on social media. It is definitely weird to have The Donald as our President Elect but given my FB feed I'm not all that surprised. I grew up in an auto-factory town and many of my former classmates are social media friends. Even people I thought were apolitical started coming out of the woodwork pro-Trump. I watched his acceptance speech on the computer today and noticed how somber he was and what oddly inclusive language he was using ..  it may be total denial and refusal to accept reality on my part but I'm wondering if now that he -got- the car he was chasing he might settle down.

Otherwise it was an uneventful day. Did not nearly enough work, put out some (metaphoric) fires and did the dinner/dishes thing. Finished the shorts for Youngest. Didn't drink or even think about it; that was nice.

Tuesday, November 8, 2016

Day 172

Election Day.

Voted on my way to work. Did my site visit and -some- of my other work but spent quite a bit of time just spinning my wheels. Now I've deliberately wandered away from CNN to bed -- there IS news to be heard but they are milking the uncertainty for all it is worth and I had a gutfull as my grandmother used to say.

Didn't drink...didn't even have the urge to drink despite being in a liquor store earlier this evening. Thought that would've hard but it was just "nah, none of this is for me any more." Totally -did- overdo on the starches and sugars today but that was a planned thing: with traveling and a fair bit of work on top of gee-it's-finally-here election weirdness I figured I should allow myself to fall back on more munching than usual.

And now to bed. Election results can go on without me.

Monday, November 7, 2016

Day 171

Not a great day.

Woke up fine - well, okay, woke up an hour too early then dozed till more or less time to get up thank you daylight savings time - but then crashed by lunchtime. Chest gunky, tired masquerading as sad, no concentration and oversensitive. Didn't get as much work done as I wanted although double-strength tea did help.

The thing which drove me nuts though was this: bought a roll of ribbon to use as the drawstring for the pajama bottoms I'm making for Youngest. Had it yesterday, set it on the sewing table. Tonight when I was ready for it...POOF! Gone. Went -nuts- looking for it. No use. That was when I decided to be done sewing for the night. Was getting irrationally worked up over the whole thing. Either it will turn up or it won't and I can always make a drawstring out of the fabric even if that -is- a bigger pain in the ass.

Still getting my steps in although today I did it in several shorter bursts instead of one long one and for a while this afternoon I really thought I might not make it...but I didn't want to break the streak or lose my momentum. Gee, I wonder where I've heard that before? :)

Anyhow I'm calling it quits on the day...early to bed means maybe I can sleep off the chest cruddiness. Gotta go vote on the way into work tomorrow.

Sunday, November 6, 2016

Day 170

"Fall back" day.

Yes, the change for daylight savings time was today so it is 8:40 and I'm in bed for the night. Feels like -ten- forty rather than nine forty like you'd think it ought. Probably because completely-effing-DARK by 5:30 was a shock to the system. Having light in the early morning was nice but it will probably take every bit of a week to get used to this dark nonsense.

In any case I got all my stuff done including a walk - in a new direction for a change: uphill the whole way out but that meant downhill the whole way back. Did some sewing, ordered the yarn for my red sweater and started a crocheted lap blanket using random numbers to decide which of the colors in the set I grabbed from stash will come next. I'm kind of stunned that I've got - and am planning on keeping - one each of sewing, knitting and crochet projects going on...haven't had this much creative drive in I-can't-remember-when. It may not last but I'm enjoying it while it does.

But not any more today as I am bushed.

Day 169 and a fraction

Otherwise known as Sunday morning. The internet went down last night and I didn't feel like getting out of bed to troubleshoot. So this is what I wrote but didn't post:

Day 169
A strange but overall good day.

Woke in the wee small hours from -terrible- nightmare about abusive long-dead relative but got back to sleep right away.

Spent all freaking morning taking fancy car to fancy car dealership for routine service. Wore a sweater I made probably a decade ago which I recently unearthed -- I had gotten too fat to wear it but now I can again and I felt perfectly comfortable both physically and socio-emotionally. Decided to make myself another one only in bright red. Overcoming the sewing phobia seems to also include overcoming decades of my fashion statement being "camouflage." Figure if I'm makin' comfy yet stylish-to-me scrubs I can do the same with sweaters for tips as they are a step dressier than sweatshirts/t-shirts. The sobriety and turning fifty seem to be triggering a phase of working through birth-family shit...I feel like my head is readjusting itself to a better way of being.

Worked on a pair of long shorts/short pajama bottoms for Youngest today - the fabric is a leftover from when my mother made her a comforter. I was pleased at how all the Sewing Stuff is coming back to me but even more pleased that I knew to _stop_ when I started feeling tired. 

Had plenty of pissed-off-ness too...not trying by -any- stretch of the imagination to imply I've somehow become enlightened or anything. A little less muddled, maybe. Was so sick of driving in dreary rural middle-of-nowhere by the time I got home at midday I was very snappish (and hungry didn't help either.) Spilled my tea not just once but twice today and got intermittently irritated by most, if not all, my family members. So it's a process...but one I doubt I'd be doing if I were still in that poor sleep/recover/fight guilt/repeat cycle. 

Not that I'm -trying- to do any particular personal growth or seems to just be sort of happening but I'll certainly take it.

Friday, November 4, 2016

Day 168


Didn't DO all that much today so I think it's lingering cold - I'm freezing cold but my cheeks are flushed. I'm sitting around being mad about getting sick at all, even as minimally as I am, especially as it's the second time in four or five months but call-outs at work are skyrocketing so I think I should really turn it around and be grateful I got off so easily as this virus seems to be rather a doozy.

Fortunately I don't need to do one damned thing other than lie around on the couch or in bed and I have books.

Thursday, November 3, 2016

Day 167

A good day.

Over my cold and finally after two solid weeks starting to get used to all this walking. Got all my chores done several of which were forms/appointment-scheduling kinda stuff. Tried another recipe I got off FaceBook (Quebec Brown Sugar Pie) and it turned out surprisingly good. (I've been burnt many times yet am still a sucker for an intriguing recipe.) Altered a pants pattern.

It's good to have a -whole- evening of useful time...if you're a nightly drinker you don't get that.

Wednesday, November 2, 2016

Day 166

A better but tiring day.

Woke up out of a nightmare an hour before I had to get up but -just- as I was drifting back to sleep someone flushed a toilet and boom! Up for the day a good 45 minutes too soon. Oh well.

This afternoon the sad/angry/resentful trio seemed to finally be taking their leave...good riddance, see I. Even managed to get back out to the library and grocery after dinner which certainly wouldn't have been happening earlier this week.

No booze thoughts either; that was a welcome change.

And now to early bed. Exhaustion has hit with a vengeance.

Tuesday, November 1, 2016

Day 165

Better day.

Not great, but better.  Didn't need allergy medicine this morning and didn't fall asleep immediately after dinner.  Still draggy though and my mood is just terrible. Depressed, somewhat resentful, hugely particular reason for any of it, best as I can tell. Well, except for the course of human events ie my local situation (uncomfortable merger) and the national situation (this ghawdawful election that just can't be over soon enough.)

Sitting there tired and cranky and out of sorts at my desk this afternoon "oh why BOTHER with all this sobriety shit and all this walking to be healthy shit; it's not DOING anything" popped into my head loud as anything and startled the heck out of me. "Well right now Spouse has quit drinking and it seems to finally have stuck this time and you've wanted that for ages so that's a big enough reason even if you think everything else is complete crap" was my immediate response and by the time I started working on more self-motivating reasons the urge had passed, so that was good. But still. I know it's because I was just on vacation and now I'm not and I've gone and gotten sick on top of everything else but I had hoped -not- to get a lot of "oh to hell with all this" thinking this time around.

I don't know why, since it's probably a normal response of the tired cranky inner addict wanting its accustomed coping mechanism...but it's disconcerting nonetheless. The thoughts seem to come at times and places where it would be damned near impossible to actually act on them so maybe it's a safety valve of some kind but I'm still not crazy about it. On the other hand I know a woman at work who quit some seven or eight years ago and she not infrequently will say something like "good and stinkin' drunk is what this day needs" and not actually mean it or do it.  I dunno.

In any case I got through the day and did everything I had to do and out of the blue Middle up and did the dishes tonight which was just the sweetest thing and I told him so. I wish I could say that helped more than it did...but I'm so out of sorts and grumpy-cat that although it -was- really sweet and -did- feel nice I'm not as appreciative of it as I would normally be and not feeling as nice and fuzzy about it as I usually would...and that's probably fatigue and lingering illness too but it makes me sad as I'm always -wishing- for spontaneously nice things to happen and now one has gone and happened and I'm not even able to enjoy it properly. I think maybe that's a sign it's time to go to bed and try again tomorrow. Maybe I'll be able to enjoy it better when I look at that nice empty sink first thing in the morning and realize "hey, *I* didn't make it that way for a change."