Day 218

Emotionally volatile day.

I think coming off Vicodin and coming into PMS have merged into a rather toxic mixture because it's Christmas Eve and not only am I not feeling it but I'm still chewed up over something that happened while caroling just now. My daughter and I are both fairly strong singers (she had a big part in the school musical) but I'm horribly insecure - I only ever follow a lead which is part of why I wanted her with me. I sang for years in the church choir as a kid but have never thought of myself as musical especially a capella as several other kids in that choir who did think of themselves as musical commented that I couldn't hold a key. Issues much? Anyhow the other strong female singer was on my other side during Hark the Herald. She dropped into harmony on the second verse and at the end the guy directing said "okay somebody keeps goi g high...and since I'm directing maybe it's me" though you could tell from tone he didn't really think that. We moved on to the next station and the other female lead moved totally away from me and my daughter so of course I was instantly convinced it was my fault and I was the one he was talking about. Pretty much ruined the rest of the event for me so I was really glad it was practically over anyhow. Because of above-mentioned emotional volatility I was pretty much a basket case in the car which is why I was kind of stunned when, after I shared with my daughter, she said "maybe it was me...but that IS one of my favorites" as if it wasn't that big a deal which I guess to normal people it wouldn't have been.

I was mildly physically ill over it - adrenaline kind of anxiety reaction - clear through the brief trip to the one open grocery to get eggs for tomorrow's waffles so I was also stunned when Spouse said "what an asshole! You all -volunteered- right?!? How dare he criticize anyone for doing something good and Jesus-like." I calmed down somewhat while I made dinner and have calmed down even more now that I have blogged about it but the whole experience left an awful taste in my mouth and since these were co-workers and their families I also have a wave of paranoia that they will all be talking about me. I realize all of this is in my head, on me and fairly irrational but the feelings are the feelings, rational or not. Right now I'm thinking I would sooner die than ever go caroling again but I have a whole year before that is even an option so it doesn't really matter. 

So there is that...plus I have been battling a mouse in the house for the past week and it is a crafty bugger who has evaded traps so I finally gave up and put out poison - if it dies in the walls it dies in the walls; at least I won't have to Deal With it that way. However the whole thing makes me sad as I don't -want- to have to kill the thing and actually have a sneaky admiration for how successful it has been in avoiding doom...but I can't have vermin in the house. 

The family being split apart this year doesn't bother me of itself - I -miss- Spouse and Eldest but they both hate winter up here in the Hinterlands so I'm happy they have the option of being elsewhere and happy the other house is being lived in and not left empty months on end. I have almost as many Christmas-past issues as Thanksgiving-past issues so I'm totally fine with them not doing the 4.5 hour drive back up since they were just here for Thanksgiving. Hell in my ideal world I would take a vacation to some non-US Caribbean island all of Thanksgiving week then hop a cruise ship Dec 20 and not come back till the new year was underway. But oh the fuss Scylla and Charybdis are making over it: swearing Spouse and I are separated and not telling them, playing every guilt card on the phone they can think of, making a big deal about "well what should we do with your presents?" Sigh.

It all makes me want to hide. Earlier tonight I wanted -so-badly- to just not be feeling all the feelings I was having. Not enough to seriously entertain drinking (or deciding I have enough Aleve-breakthrough pain after hiking through the hospital to take a Vicodin and how quickly did -that- nasty little voice grow out of nowhere just now; must be a twisted part of my brain that -did- like being dumb but numb) but enough to get weepy on the couch for a while. Fetal position clutching a blanket - the whole works. 

Then I remembered that writing it out -gets- it out and started this blog post which has been helping. Took a break to dig out the red poinsettia tablecloth and put it on the table for tomorrow breakfast and that helped too. Even though all this Other Shit is happening I can still do the ultra-low-key Christmas thing •I• want to do which is to put everyone's gift at their place on the pretty red tablecloth (Amazon did the wrap all in green this year) and have homemade waffles with real syrup. Got out the waffle iron earlier today.

It isn't a big deal or contributing to my overall mood really but I -am- sad in passing about Carrie Fisher as she was the first -spunky- princess in my world and wrote all those books I have enjoyed over the years. Hell _Postcards from the Edge_ was one of the things which triggered that little voice which said "hey maybe YOU have a booze problem" and that was clear back in my -twenties.- I know for a fact she has the best description of mania I have ever read in _The Best Awful_. I was impressed at the time when she was married to Paul. Freaking. Simon (even though apparently it wasn't such a great idea after all for the two of them) and have admired how she dealt with the whole Hollywood thing over the years. Sixty is far too young to lose her.

Had ice cream for dinner again tonight - with some of the above mentioned syrup. Didn't really seem to help my mood all that much but it tasted good. Middle just came downstairs and commented favorably on the tablecloth - that helped. I'm still not totally into this whole holiday thing but I am a lot better than I was when I first started typing. Maybe I will get through the night in one piece after all.

And if you too are having trouble - even in passing - with this whole Christmas Thing? You are my kin.