Friday, March 31, 2017

Day 315

Hanging in there.

Drove the kids to the airport in heavy rain over a route I hadn't taken in over 20 years and did just fine. That ended up being the big excitement of the day though. Poured rain the whole day and is still raining so not much motivation to go anywhere and not much to do here as I'm in one of those nothing seems to satisfy moods. But it will pass eventually.

Planning on going back to slee for a nice long while after walking the dog tomorrow though.

Thursday, March 30, 2017

Day 314

Weird day.

Drove down to the other house and early on saw a bald eagle fly across the highway to roost in a tree - I actually gasped with delight. It took almost 50 years but the DDT ban worked: they are coming back.

Got too tired and hungry on the trip though despite bringing along some cheese. Had planned to stop at a local-to-this-house deli on my way in to get myself a drink and something to eat but it was right at noon and parking lot looked crowded so I thought "Nah, it will be fine; I will still have Lipton from last time or Eldest will have gotten more because she knows I am coming." Guess what? No tea. That - and choosing to be a good sport about it - was enough to send me into a huge spiral of resentment which only improved a little after I made tea. Every minor issue became Just One More Thing and there were LOTS of little minor issues.  It's only now that I am in bed that I am finally starting to emotionally unwind.

I keep thinking I -ought- to be happier to be here. It's the first time I've seen Spouse in four or five weeks and although I -am- happy it is also tempered with annoyance at how he and Eldest can manage to blow complexity into just about any damned thing. I know people are like wood and some just burn hotter than others and probably by morning I'll get my sea legs (how's that for mixing metaphors?!) but it was all a little much this afternoon and evening. 

On the other hand there is not only no snow but our azelea bush is blooming. That's not nothing.

Wednesday, March 29, 2017

Day 313

Accomplished day.

Got everything done I needed to do before leaving town so that felt productive. Tired and achy but early bedtime always helps.

Things seem better at the other house too. Eldest reset the weights in her head and isn't all full of resentment any more. Glad of that. 

Getting a lot of love on social media lately; that feels good. Also the snow is -finally- more gone than still around. All in all things are better.

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

Day 312

Bah. Should get to sleep early tonight as Youngest has to be at school early for a rehearsal but I'm angry and anger is the absolute best emotion to kill sleep.

Had really long unpleasant work day then Eldest decided to do another round of "why did you let Middle have X when you wouldn't let me have Y?!" This, of course, by phone from 300 miles away. I credit long term sobriety as the reason I was able to stay mostly calm with the entire "away" family unit tonight. However that same long term sobriety is also why I now see several unhealthy emotional games being played and I think at least part of my anger is frustration at not being able to do One Thing about anybody -else's- thoughts or feelings or behaviors.

The rest is just plain old "why can't •I• be the center of attention once in a while?" Probably with a side of I have plenty of stuff to own in all this not the least of which is the years of my own game-playing and drinking behaviors. Doesn't make me any less ticked right now though.

Writing about it does though so that's something. The act of putting words together into a document is both calming and focusing. Which is good because of previous need-sleep-early comment. Gonna try to do so now that my anger seems to have dissipated.

Gosh it's more than 10 mo this now and creeping up on 11 - even when everything else is kinda crappy that's something good to hold.

Monday, March 27, 2017

Day 311

So glad it's a short week. Thursday morning I leave for the other house and even though it's just a long weekend with two trips to the airport in it I will be away from -here- which has got to help. Between weather and work I'm down enough that positive things aren't cheering me up the way they normally do and that's not a good way to be.

Tomorrow will be particularly hard: difficult meetings all day, one of which is a 45 min drive away. On the other hand it will be grilled cheese and tomato soup for dinner that night (by request of Youngest) which sounds about right.

Not my circus, not my monkeys and not my issue at all really but I do hope the nightly drinking at the other house gets put on hold while I'm isn't that I'm tempted but that I dislike sitting around trying to converse but also dislike being the Bad Guy for going to bed early. Guess it's a wait-and-see thing.

After this long weekend I work for four days then I'm off for a glorious week -- right back to the other house but with no responsibilities it will indeed be a vacation and I'm so looking forward to it. I need Away From in a big way.

But there's still two more days of this week and I'd better head off to bed - I keep waking up in the night so it's good to get an early start. How I functioned on the kind of crappy sleep alcohol causes seems strange and bizarre now...yet I did it for years and years. Now instead of expecting that middle of the night awakening along with a crazed "maybe not if I..." thought process I'm vaguely annoyed IF I don't get a good full night of sleep. That alone is a really powerful motivator for sobriety because  proper sleep makes everything better.

Sunday, March 26, 2017

Day 310

Better day. Slept till 9 which definitely helped.

Otherwise it was a typical Sunday: grocery and errands. Also I finished my latest top in time to wear tomorrow. Had originally -thought- it would be done last Sunday night but that was the peak of my disgruntlement so no dice.

Ground still almost entirely snow covered. Dreary. But a light and short work week so that's something.  Really glad I'm not trying to treat too much winter with alcohol.

Saturday, March 25, 2017

Day 309

Blah. For what seems like the millionth day in a row (but might be a dozen or 15 at most) I woke up, wandered into the kitchen and was overcome by depression and frustration and general annoyance. For the same damned reasons too: snow all over everything as far as the eye can see and the last conversation with Spouse over the phone the previous night had been through a veil of alcohol. Can't argue with either one of those things but don't have to like them. Don't have to like the morning to-do list either and totally didn't as I was puttering around doing it.

But even though it seems that way at the time no feeling lasts forever. By the time I had to take Youngest into town I'd morphed into a somewhat better frame of mind and even sort of enjoyed picking up the few items I needed prior to Real Grocery Shopping tomorrow.

Came home and made a couple different salads for the week. One of them used up practically all the leftover pasta so I was pretty happy about that. Not so happy about just flat out -not- being able to get a jar of pimentos open even with a jar gripper and wax downright pissed that my "other kind of jar opener" (the pliers-like kind) had turned up missing. But I did remember to stand on a step stool for grating so that helped.

Spending a lot of the day on the couch has helped too. I had that "you should be doing something -productive-" voice all day but I also had a bad case of the dropsies - you know, where everything spills or breaks or won't come out of its package the right way - so they sort of canceled each other out. Now I'm in bed for the night at just past 9 and happy to be here because I don't need to do one damned thing till morning.

Friday, March 24, 2017

Day 308

Yikes! Better day but almost forgot to post.

Too busy chewing through my new book (The Collapsing Empire) which was a fine Friday night.

Still fighting the lousy mood thing but it's easing up bit by bit.

Thursday, March 23, 2017

Day 307

Not a great day.

Slept poorly. Cold. Windy. Stupid inspection which had three findings blossomed into five on the final report. Tired. 

But doing it all as a sober person so yay for me.

I'd rather be sober in Aruba though.

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

Day 306

Not a great day.

Cold & windy and I was in -such- a foul mood for a lot of the day. Brewed a whole bunch of resentment. Only now, in bed under warm blankets, starting to get better.

Tired of all the To-Dos on the daily list. Tired of weather. Tired of no truly -good- chocolate. Of no decent Indian or Mexican food. Of driving little front-wheel drive car because Eldest is the most unsafe driver and thus I want her in bigger heavier all-wheel-drive Car.. Of now having The Old Ladies (MiL and newly widowed Aunt in Law) on the watch list. Of being the Doer instead of the Done For.

But at least I have good books. That's something. A night of sleep is something too.

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

Day 305

Ten months.

Totally did take myself to lunch and it was great. Weird thing, too: after eating far more food than I ever do at lunch including a mocha mousse I walked out of the dark noisy restaurant into the afternoon and was truly dazed for a bit. Thought quite clearly "damn, it's like being buzzed...but on rich food." Once I acclimated to the light and the lack of background noise it was over but interesting at the time. Was -stuffed- all afternoon and evening to the point of skipping dinner entirely. Definitely an outside-the-usual event to mark the occasion.

Then in the evening I went to Youngest's choir concert; that was nice too. And now my bed is nice.

I talked about the sorta-blah phase and the last month or so I talked about appreciating how much better sober life is...but these past couple days I've been thinking not just about how sobriety improves pretty much all aspects of life but also about "why did I -do- that to myself for so long?!" Sometimes it is more "how could I even -think- of doing that to myself ever again?!" but that's a bit feckless because of course it will cross my mind from time to time...certain kinds of stress seem to just bring That Voice out of the ether in a flash. It's not the "even think about" which is ever the problem with anything; Mr Rogers told us wishing won't make things come true. I just need to make sure that -acting- doesn't seem like a good idea. Right now it totally doesn't and that feels pretty terrific. There is a part of me who has wanted this for a __really__ long time.

Monday, March 20, 2017

Day 304

Long Monday.

Which is why I'm in bed a whole hour early. I sometimes feel guilty for spending so much of my evenings horizontal but then I realize that it is totally okay to not be Jack LaLane/Jane Fonda/Susan Powter/whoever as health is a continuum and it isn't a damned contest in the first place.

Anyhow I was quite relieved that everyone at work is of a like mind about the ugly issue of last Friday. However I ended up staying two hours late which threw the whole rest of the evening off - sometimes it's like that.

But hey, tomorrow is my ten-month soberversary! Hooray! Have plans to take a big stroll downtown and hit library, post office, drugstore, and bank all before ending up at the restaurant with the good mocha mousse. Hope the plans work out.

Also hope the dog and I are more simpatico tonight. It is a comfort to have the dog curled up around my legs but every so often "around" becomes "on" and I wake up all stiff which is what happened last night.  Even so, it sure beats how I used to sleep: I look back on that and think "how could I hate myself so much as to keep putting myself -through- all that?!" I know...seemed only reasonable at the time. This is better though.

Sunday, March 19, 2017

Day 303

A very productive day.

Made mac-n-cheese for tonight's dinner and veggie balls (meatless balls? Bosh balls? I think I like that last one the best as the recipe came from a Bosh video on FB) for later in the week all before noon. Read a lot of my current book and roasted some peppers to also have for later in the week.

Really disconcerting to have So. Much. Snow. when the temperature hit 50 F today but a lot of waist-high snow shrank to thigh or even knee high which was good.

My book (Miriam's Kitchen) is a memoir featuring a lot of strong kind female relatives with strong traditions. Strong love for family too. Ended up needing to take a break for a quick grocery run to get milk and have a chance to be good and angry at my crazy mother who will be dead four years this April. It was hard but I rode the emotion - I'd say "like a surfer rides a wave" but I've never seen surfing in person much less done it. In any case I just let the feelings be and eventually they ran their course.

It was good mac-n-cheese. The chocolate chess pie I made last night was good too.

I even got a little bit of sewing done. On Friday and even for part of yesterday I was all hot that "on Sunday I can finish that top and wear it to work on Monday hooray!" However by the time Sunday afternoon rolled around I was completely out of the notion. Probably because sewing more than any other thing is so closely tied to my mother in my head. After my shower though I thought "you can at least do the pockets because you know that bobbin is getting low and all those short rows of topstitching on the pocket tops will be a great way to use it up without running out in the middle of a real seam." So I did the pockets thinking I could use up the thread and re-wind the bobbin for next week...but that thread is like the lamp oil in the Hanukkah story. Still enough left to attach the pockets some other day.

Tomorrow I'm on call so I have to stay on-campus and pretty much in my office but that's just as well as I have to start fixing that newly revealed mess from last Friday. Now for some very light reading (newest in the 20-Sided Sorceress series) and sleep. I think it at least once a day but it bears writing down too: I like Sober Me better than I liked Drinking Me. There's still along way to go on the self-acceptance/self-love road but sobriety is a big good thing.

Saturday, March 18, 2017

Day 302

Being in the three hundreds is still cool.

Good thing, too, because so much of life isn't right now. Woke up in a -vile- mood - just really awful. Ten pounds of self-pity and resentment and loneliness stuffed into a five pound sack. Was not at all helped by discovering the vegan sausage I was planning to use for biscuits and gravy was patties instead of crumble and not enough of those.

I went to the bakery instead. When in non-diabetic doubt, sugar usually never hurts.

Youngest wanted a haircut so I took her for that and then escaped into a book for most of the day. Things started easing up as they always do even though you think they never will.

Unusually for me I decided to do the groceries in the evening as I had to drop Youngest at the school auditorium anyway. Glad I did because it means I can totally stay in my pajamas all day tomorrow and not leave the house if I so choose.

It snowed again today and although the weather heads were right about little/no accumulation just seeing all that stupid white stuff swirling around just -got- to me.

Had a leftover prepackaged pie shell from Pi Day so I made a new-to-me recipe: chocolate chess pie. Very easy and there was extra filling which I baked separately in a tiny pan...which is how I know the actual pie will be delicious for tomorrow's breakfast. From-scratch mac-n-cheese for dinner and leftovers for lunch so I'm all set food-wise.

Maybe tomorrow's mood will be significantly better. Maybe.

Friday, March 17, 2017

Day 301

Long rough day.

More actual work than usual and then an -awful- inspection summation at one of our other locations. Awful for me specifically because it turns out that the answer to a question I ask the supervisor every single time I'm there is not the  "yes" he has been telling me and I have been dutifully writing down but "nope not even close."

Got home and had a slice of pecan pie first thing. Followed by nachos. Wanted to have a nice lie-down with a book but it was opening night of Youngest's play so off I went. Just in time to run into my MiL on the way in. Sitting with her wasn't as awful as it could have been and I won easy points by not just getting pictures with my phone but posting them to "Face" during intermission. So I guess that was a deposit in the bank of good karma. Even if she did look younger than I do in the picture I took after the show of her with Youngest. (It really is uncanny; if she had an attic I'd assume there was a painting in it.)

Hadn't realized till I started this post that being in the -three- hundreds of days would mean something even if it is only one day in. It sure is a nice number though. I hope the weather has improved enough by next week to be able to do the lunch thing; I need to actively put some good into my life.

Thursday, March 16, 2017

Day 300

Hey here it is...and I'm exhausted.

Earlier when I was anticipating Day 300 I was planning to take myself for a nice lunch at the place with the good mocha mousse but then all this damned weather happened instead. Even -with- a Plow Guy I've done a helluva lot of shoveling these past three days and it has made me tired and achy but that's why there's this great "bed" concept.

In addition to "tired" serve up a side order of "gloomy" as this freaking much snow piled up everywhere decreasing visibility at all the intersections is just depressing even without it being mid-March and without yet another 1-4" due on Saturday. My region has become Rura Penthe. Joy.

I'm thanking care of myself though: carry-out for dinner and not one thing above the absolute bare necessities tonight. Maybe tomorrow will be better - at least we aren't getting more than snow "showers" tonight which is a big improvement over the 3-4" we got last night.

I'll save that lunch for next Tuesday which is the actual 10-month soberversary.

Wednesday, March 15, 2017

Day 299

Back to work.

Hadn't really planned it that way but the Plow Guy came and was done by 7:45 so I figured I would walk up the driveway to the road and see how it was. Road was okay so I went to work.

Good thing, too, as the people who had been stuck and stayed all night needed to go home and more people - including the on-call person - called out. So I became the on-call person.

We ended up with a storm total of 35 inches but there is a chance for more in the night. I dug out the mailbox and improved upon the Plow Guy's work a bit but frankly I hope he comes in the morning again as there's at least two if not three inches of new snow since this morning. Depressing weather.

Otherwise it was a decent but quiet evening. Finished one top and started in on another and am completely pleased with the design features I added. Also the fabric. Oh! A super-great thing happened tonight: I walked into a house FAR cleaner than I left. Youngest "felt kinda bad you had to go into work" so she decided to clean the house. Didn't say anything about it, didn't expect anything for doing it just did it to be nice. I was wowed. Just bowled over. So that was great.

Now I'm working on a somewhat early bedtime because I'm tired.

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Day 298

Snow Day.

Not just any snow day but up-to-my-hips blizzard day. Last time we had one of these was ten years and one month (to the day) ago and I slept at work that night. Today since I had nothing on my schedule I called out, bad example or not. Going in -just- for the sake of appearances and getting stuck overnight leaving my barely 17 year old in charge of a freaking-out-because-S-isn't-home autistic uncle didn't make any sense at all.

At first it was glorious. I cut out another top before anyone was awake and generally puttered about the house. Plow Guy was a good 90 minutes later than usual but as I wasn't going anywhere I didn't care. Two hours after he came I went outside and there was a good three or four inches of fresh snow and it had started falling harder so I did the sidewalk and one shovel-width up the driveway to the road just in case. Went down to the basement and sewed happily for a couple hours.

When I came up things - particularly my mood - started going sour. A LOT of snow had fallen and it was coming down really hard. Did another sidewalk-to-road bit and wore myself out because every bit of eight inches -fresh- snow had fallen. In two hours. Got back in and was very edgy and stressed...and unable to just accept the feelings. Kept trying to talk myself out of it with "there's nothing to be upset have power and heat and plenty of food and even cable so no worries."  Yeah but I sat there staring out my kitchen window at the snow falling harder and harder and got more and more worked up in a very free-floating nonspecific way. It wasn't like I thought any particular bad thing was going to happen or even any bad thing at all -- I was just anxious and tense categorically.

Did too much stress eating too. Knew it was stress-triggered but still couldn't stop myself. Went downstairs to do more sewing to get the hell out of the kitchen as much as anything else.

At three I tried to clear just the sidewalk but gave up after only a few feet: just enough to give the dog room enough to do his business as the snow was already deeper than he was tall. Cleared that same little run three more times over the course of the evening too. Got really irritable on top of the anxiety  for a while - I remember sitting at the kitchen table thinking "I feel so damned lousy I'd even consider a drink just to stop -feeling- this way" but immediately told myself "oh you wouldn't either; don't be silly." Apparently enough uncommon stress can still trigger That Voice...perhaps it always will.

Finally after I got dinner on the table - broccoli cheddar quiche for Pi Day - my mood started lifting. Don't know why as the snow is still, even as I type, falling and drifting, but somehow I got used to the whole crazy mess. After dinner I took a nice long shower bath (shower first then fill tub & soak) which also helped...and now I'm having a lie-down on the couch and reflecting on my windburn and backache. School got canceled for Youngest around six so that's not an issue and I'm thinking I may well have another snow day tomorrow. Trying not to feel guilty about it.

Monday, March 13, 2017

Day 297

Getting closer to 300 all the time...and that's a good feeling.

Okay day - decent morning and a gossip filled lunch with colleagues so I don't know why I ended up in such an unpleasant mood in the evening. One of those uncomfortable-in-own-skin nothing-seems-to-satisfy kind of moods. Ended up eating too many of the cookies I made last night but I suppose there are worse things. Hoping bed will help - it will at least get me out of the kitchen!

Sunday, March 12, 2017

Day 296

Good but tiring day.

Technically it started at 12:38 am when Middle woke me up to say that ABL had -finally- finished shaving and thus wanted the evening pill I hadn't given him before he started his big shaving ritual at a little before 7. Yes, five-plus hours shaving. Most of it turning the water on and off repetitively. ABL also wanted me to adjust his TV but I said that could wait till morning. Went right back to sleep so I didn't think of it then but -am- thinking of it now: that whole exchange would have gone far worse if I had still been any or all of several ways.

Did the food shopping first thing in bitter cold, did some snow removal later in the day and not only did I cook dinner but I made Asian slaw for later in the week -and- a new-to-me cookie recipe: "lace cookies" which are surprisingly easy. 

A good day. Tomorrow night Youngest and I are going to make pies for Pi Day -- her math class and my office. 

Saturday, March 11, 2017

Day 295

Low key.

Beastly weather so I didn't take the walk I had planned. Was okay with that though as I had been pretty achy last night. Dinner with the in-laws was less bad than it could have been. Got another top cut out. Read a book. Made the grocery list. Set some of the clocks ahead already so it won't be such a shock in the morning. Took Benedryl in hope of getting to sleep early - I kinda hate this whole Daylight Savings thing but it is what it is.

Kind of stunning that Thursday will be 300 days. It paradoxically seems like everything has changed and nothing has changed. Sort of like watching one of those old 16-mm movies and not realizing it was out of focus till suddenly it -was- in focus. Totally worth the effort.

Friday, March 10, 2017

Day 294

Wow it really is that many days...had to double check. Cool.

Good day - took a walk before the weather got truly vile and the inspection turned out well. Finished the top I was sewing and the novel I had been reading.

So looking forward to being able to sleep in a bit tomorrow. Youngest has to be at a rehearsal by 9 but    I could get up at 8 and still be fine. And what's nice is that I'm already sleepy at a nice appropriate 11pm...that would never have happened on a Friday night of the past.

Thursday, March 9, 2017

Day 293

A good day.

Leaky radiator got fixed, I managed to restore a computer account that had lain fallow since 2009 and I took a walk for the first time in...hell I don't know - a month or six weeks maybe.
Plus I did some sewing on my latest top. Weird thing, there: I was sitting at the kitchen table hand stitching the facing and i realized it was only eight forty or so - not even nine. Thought to myself "yeah now that you aren't drinking you have a lot more time in the evenings to do stuff." Out of nowhere the reply-thought was "oh you used to do stuff before just with a drink by your side. Y'know you could have a drink by your side right now. Wouldn't that be nice?"

Well. The counter-thought was "I could but I won't because no it is -not- nice" and that was the end of it but still...weird. It wasn't an actual urge, more like an observation or at most a mild suggestion and I had no intention of acting on it but don't get why it popped up in the first place. Doesn't really matter, I suppose.

Tomorrow the work inspection finally wraps up...that will be a relief. I should also start getting some of the goodies I ordered myself : in addition to two lengths of fabric I also got myself two Actual (as opposed to Kindle) books -- no, wait, make that three. Two prose-y memoir-y cookbooks and a graphic memoir. Life has been needing treats lately.

And now to sleep...whatever the problem, a night of sleep always helps. Heck, it helps even when there is no problem!

Wednesday, March 8, 2017

Day 292

Maybe bed at barely nine will help.

Spent most of the day sad but with no clear reason why. Accepted it and just kept on with the day. Forced myself -not- to attempt making the sadness go away with food which I count as a big improvement now that I'm getting the hang of not trying to make the sadness go away with booze. That whole "just sit with the feelings" thing is -still- harder that you'd think.

Tuesday, March 7, 2017

Day 291

Busy good day.

Could have slept more but that's okay. Got my thread during lunch errands. Bought myself two lovely lengths of fabric as a reward for getting through the past couple weeks. Inspector came for 4-day survey at work. Took family out to eat because Youngest turned 17 today. SO stuffed.

No wise thoughts just another day made way better by being fully -there- from beginning to end. Till you get it back and have it around all the time you don't realize how much life booze took under the pretense of helping.

Monday, March 6, 2017

Day 290

Off-kilter day.

Woke up too early out of a weird dream which seemed relevant at the time but is now totally gone forever. I'm always grateful for the good solid sleep, of course...and glad the waking up is never sweaty and thirsty with a pounding heart wondering what the hell im doing to myself. I've said before and will say again now that good sleep is, all by itself, reason enough to quit and "oh I can't anymore...even one just totally wrecks my sleep these days" is a plenty solid social reason.

But it was still far too early.

Work out of synch - went in late because I finally took boy-beagle to get his shots updated. Then my noon meeting ran long because of an unsettling personnel issue. Last minute rehearsal for Youngest meant I was rushing dinner and somewhere along the way I got -really- chilled. Buried myself under blankets on the couch till time to fetch her and it seems better...but "off-kilter" really fits this day.

Had a big wave of petulant resentment in the late afternoon/early evening too. Didn't -say- anything about it and am pleased I avoided being passive-aggressive and snippy the way I have in the past...and it eventually abated. I'm hoping an early bedtime will keep it away.

Two hundred and ninety days, though...that's cool no matter what else is happening. Gonna try to hold onto that thought as I drift to sleep.

Sunday, March 5, 2017

Day 289

Only early afternoon but I wanted to catch this before I forgot:

Had Spouse on phone asking about something on a different level. Going back up the stairs I noticed I was -really- achy and commented about it in tones of puzzlement. Spouse said "well c'mon cut yourself a break; it's been a _busy_ week! Back from this house, got rid of one kid, picked up another , [uncle] died...a lot of stuff happened!"

I stopped dead in my tracks with the realization "yeah...that WAS all just this past week, wasn't it?" Then I got thinking:
Last Sunday: rest and relaxation in other house.
Monday: 300 mile drive, weekly shopping. Laundry.
Tuesday: Farewell to Eldest and SiL, Uncle to ER. Middle up for a few-hour visit; needed driven 30 miles (one way) back. Unexpected work meeting.
Wednesday: Uncle died, 130-mile round trip for work. Laundry.
Thursday: Big power outage so no radiator repair.
Friday: Another unexpected work meeting, fetched Middle at lunchtime, another power outage.
Yesterday: Youngest to play practice; errands downtown. Sewing.
Today: weekly shopping, unsuccessful attempt to buy thread.

Damn when written all out it -is- a lot.


I am grateful for hot baths. More so today than other days because one of my high school friends mentioned on social media how she missed getting down into the bathtub to relax and how the bath stool wasn't the same...and that made me think of at least three other people I know who ate my age but can no longer use standard-size household bathtubs. I am so grateful to still have that ability. So. Grateful.

Also grateful for the ability to still eat a baked potato loaded up with butter and salt as a nice comfort-food dinner, too. I understand potatoes aren't good for Type 2 diabetes and I know people my age with that too.

=Later Still=

Of course I'm grateful for this new sober life I'm building. So much so that it is hard to even put into words. When I was still drinking I kind of had a hunch that long-term sober people had something good that I wanted and it has turned out to be really true - more so than I ever thought possible - but it takes _quite_ a while. I'm probably not very different from anyone else who quit but for me it seemed to be right around the right month mark, maybe a skosh before. The beginning is just so hard that hitting the two month milestone is such an accomplishment...and life -is- way better but for me that's kind of when it leveled out: you don't -keep- feeling incrementally better the way you do in the early days...but if you keep with it things don't get better so much as _deeper_. I'm so glad to be sticking with it.

Saturday, March 4, 2017

Day 288


If you've ever had the thought "I wonder if they could tell how drunk I was" after a phone call with a close me: they can. Assuming "they" is sober, of course. They may not say anything - probably won't, in fact - but if they are close at all they will know.  And after they get off the phone they will eat a small bowl of ice cre - no, wait, that's just me.

Anyhow I'm finally in bed for the night and glad of it. Before the phone rang boy-beagle had been far too annoying about the cats and just would not stop that high pitched yipping thing for the longest time even after I herded them back into Kitty Hotel i.e. the former study. Then when he -did- finally stop he left a poo -right- in front of the door. "Take -that- you rotten cats!" I guess.

Still the day wasn't all bad because I finished one new scrub top and cut out another. I really like the one I finished. I like getting better at the process too - I learn something new each time I do one.

Time to sleep now though.

Friday, March 3, 2017

Day 287

Long cold windy day.

Picked up Middle at lunchtime; he started spring break after his one Friday class. While I was on the road a -big- transformer blew leaving some 6000 people without power - about six times yesterday's number.

By the time I got home the power had been on a couple hours; that was good.

Worked on my sewing project a bit, packed up a box of stuff Eldest and SiL forgot and then made a grocery run when I ran out of packing tape.

Grocery run at just past eight on a Friday night is deep into sober territory -- even casual drinkers like a dink on Friday night.

But now I'm so sleepy I gotta call it a night.

Thursday, March 2, 2017

Day 286

I'm blogging from an Actual Computer with an Actual Keyboard and it's pretty freaking amazing. Not only that but it's MY Actual Computer, at which I don't think I've sat since maybe Christmastime. First it was the leg then it was sharing with family then the video card went out then it was more sharing with family...but now I've got the family room all to myself and my computer all to myself too - how amazing is that?

I'm also glad that the ratio of good stuff to bad stuff finally seems to be improving today. Woke up feeling truly wretched with aches and stuffiness and a headache over one eye and an attitude so rotten it was all I could do not to snap at everyone...and the weather had pickled up seriously in the night with a drop in temperature of some 35 degrees Fahrenheit. Dragged myself through the stuff I needed to do at work with an unexpected pause for a power outage which lasted a good 32 seconds before the generators kicked in. Of course it takes a lot longer than 32 seconds to reboot a work computer and restart all the programs. Pushed hard because I needed to leave at lunchtime for the radiator-repair guy...but when I got home the power here was STILL out.  Had to cancel the repair which just infuriated me no end since this was going to be the second visit anyhow because the first time he didn't have the right parts.

This would be when I had three bowls of cereal for lunch. Two Frosted Flakes, one Cinnamon Toast Crunch and two of the three with chocolate syrup. Then I took aspirin, curled up on the couch under a thick afghan (no power equals no plumbing or heat either) and alternated sulking with reading from my iPhone Kindle app. Power came on about 3 hours after I'd come home...pretty much right at the point when it was too late in the day to call about maybe getting the radiator repair guy out after all.

Eventually the aspirin took the edge off my headache and I went about making the from-scratch veggie burgers I'd planned to make earlier in the day. They turned out really tasty; glad the recipe makes six because it means I have some for another day. The other good thing which happened is that the dog seems to be getting a _little_ used to the cats finally. There's still miles and miles to go before we're anywhere close to Peaceable Kingdom but he isn't -constantly- barking when they're loose.

Despite all the annoyances and generally irritated mood I never even thought about drinking.  The neural pathways seem finally to be getting wired in other directions since this was exactly the sort of day which in the past would have had me driving to the liquor store earlier than usual. That feels pretty good.

Wednesday, March 1, 2017

Day 285

Long tiring day.

Woke up early after a nightmare. Went in early because I knew I would be spending a huge chunk of the day on the road doing site visits. Got the call from MiL about her brother in law around 8:30.The funeral and burial are with the other side of his family and far enough away that nobody is expected to attend so that was One Less Thing. I know that sounds harsh but I had only been around the guy maybe six times ever -including- last night when I said goodbye so it isn't like losing a -close- relative. Sad but more abstractly so, not deeply so.

  Did site visits. Came back to several new and unexpected time-sucking issues plus fatigue just -really- hit hard.

Ate rather too much sweet stuff today. Terribly susceptible when I'm stressed or tired and today was full of both. No booze thoughts/cravings/urges though so that's good.

Still too much going on in my life right now but I'm hoping maybe it will start simmering down. The hospital chaplain just got back from a four-day silent retreat and my first response upon hearing the news was a huge wave of envy.

Sleep should help.