Friday, June 30, 2017

Day 406

A lousy day in the neighborhood.

Lotta work, lotta work politics and my plans to get an ice cream cone for dinner on the way home were thwarted because Youngest needed rescued from a lousy graduation party in the middle of nowhere in the middle of a thunderstorm.

Then the cable & internet went out.

But it's over and I can sleep in as late as I feel like.

Thursday, June 29, 2017

Day 405

The retreat was long and parts were hugely boring and some of it was depressing and I hated damned near all of it. But it's over for another year.

I didn't get ice cream for dinner after all because I just wanted to be -home- but I probably should have because...

...for the first time in Just Ages the thought of a drink popped into my head. Only briefly and in adding but it was there in response to just not being comfortable in my own skin - that frustrated irritable not quite sad not quite angry but definitely not happy state. I was sitting on the couch wishing I felt just about any other way than what I was feeling when - boom - there it was. The thought about one of those beers I passed by in the way out of the retreat and I didn't  even -like- beer when I drank. But just as quickly as it came it left again so that was that.

Now I'm in bed which is a nice safe place to be. Tomorrow starts my Very Busy Month at work.

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Day 404

An okay day.

Took a walk for the first time in ages; that was nice.
Learned that a director I like was abruptly let go; that wasn't nice.

I have an all day "leadership retreat" tomorrow which I am really dreading and do -not- want to do but duty calls. Trying to decide what my treat for afterwards will be. Maybe ice cream for dinner. Maybe not.

I really appreciate the inner calm which has come with sobriety. I still get upset but there aren't as many bizarrely euphoric "ups" or crashingly low "downs." Weebles wobble but they don't fall down.

Tuesday, June 27, 2017

Day 403

Wow it really is four hundred and three days; that feels good.

So does -finally- having a scarf pattern for my pretty yarn -- there's been much ripping out and starting over in the past three days.

Did indeed take myself to lunch and it was wickedly efficient -- they have "speedy lunch service" totally covered. I got pad Thai because the last and only time I had it was in 1990 in west Philadelphia...and I hadn't liked it. I figured I might as well try again. Still not -that- crazy about it but it's moved from "blech" to "okay."

Otherwise things were uneventful which is fine.

Monday, June 26, 2017

Day 402

And now I'm home.

It was really hard to leave. The trip had more than the usual amount of bad/thoughtless/downright crazy drivers, too. But I managed.

Also managed to get the menus planned and groceries purchased and a dinner prepared that could stretch to feed the two friends visiting Middle...though I don't think they ate after all.

•I• had an ice cream cone for dinner - first one in over a decade I'm sure. At some point during my childhood I specifically switched from cones to "in a dish please" and kept announcing "I don't like ice cream cones" so long I believed it myself...but the real reason I switched was because family members criticized -how- I ate cones. I can't recall what it was they thought was so wrong but I do recall thinking "okay won't be a problem any more."

After taking her SAT Youngest specifically asked to stop for ice cream and she made her waffle cone look like a nice enough experience that I filed it away under "something to try later."  Today was the later and I enjoyed it very much.

Gonna take myself to lunch tomorrow too I think. Gotta do the "big loop" of site visits to affiliates and I have to go though the nearest city of size on the way back and it's not Wednesday (the day they stay closed) so I think I'll hit the Thai place.

In the old days I would have hurried through the chores so I could start drinking and by now I would be drunk but wide awake would also have had a very lousy night's sleep when I eventually got there. Sober is just -so- much easier

Sunday, June 25, 2017

Day 401

Last night of vacation. Ir wasn't the greatest. The family which stayed up there acted like jerks and the family down here did too. Hell, for all I know _I_was a jerk too. Don't -think- so but you never know.

In any case I did it all sober and that makes it definitely better. Even when-no, make that especially when there is drinking all around. Makes it all easier to handle.

But now I'm -awfully tired.

Saturday, June 24, 2017

Day 400

Four hundred days is a really nice number.

Otherwise it was an uneventful day. I'm still pretty moody for no particular reason but I can live with it.

Friday, June 23, 2017

Day 399

First full vacation day. Slept till 8:40 which was surprising. Good but surprising.

The rest of the day kinda sucked for various reasons. Once I actually admitted to myself "hey this sucks and I don't care if it IS a vacation day I'm just not having any fun" things improved. Not because anything was different but because accepting it instead of fighting it helped.

A nice long shower and some ice cream helped too.

Thursday, June 22, 2017

Day 398

I must be on vacation; I ate too much and stayed up too late.

Lotta "not my problem" stuff today. Glad it's bedtime.  Super duper supremely glad I don't drink any more.

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Day 397

Thirteen months today. Hooray!

Start of a five-day weekend. More hooray!

Nothing profound; just way happier sober than I was drinking. Oh and the new blueberry flavored Oreos are really tasty...though the filling is definitely not a color of anything traditionally edible.

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Day 396

Remember how I was excited to finally get the second car key? Yeah, well...four hours. Yup, four. Nope, didn't plan it. Had called last week. Part was waiting. It "needs programming so it will just be a little while; please have a seat." Okay, fine...I had expected maybe 15-20 minutes.

Staff member then came to me saying how it was a lot more time consuming to program one of these keys than they thought and how he might not have time before lunch and was there any way we could drop it off later and again with the "time consuming."

I shared that I had come from 45 minutes away so drop-off was not an option (I don't know how they thought they could drop off the KEY when they also need the CAR but whatevsies) and that I could wait as long as they needed. He said words to the effect of "well it might be a couple of hours."

So I got tea and snacks (cheese and Combos; such a high-quality lunch but at least protein) from the gas station next door. On my way back I saw my car in the wide open garage with its door open and beeping. The two staff members previously involved had heads together over computer in office area.

I read (Kindle app for iPhone yeah!) and played solitaire -- I only this past Sunday discovered FreeCell and yes I know it has come free with the Windows operating system for a couple -decades- now...I tried it once, didn't like it and never went back. Now I'm into it. Go figure.

At somewhere past the two-hour mark I was told "he's trying to get it to program for the third time now. Sorry about the wait. Sometimes these things are just a pain in the neck." It eventually got done and I now have two key-fobs again in addition to the broken one which can work in an emergency but you have to use pliers to get the key back out of the ignition.

Knew enough not to do anything important or thought provoking once I got back to the office. Also to get pizza for dinner and a piece of bakery cake for having survived the ordeal.

Tomorrow I have to go in extra early for a stupid eight o'clock-sharp- meeting so I'm already in bed. So much less stressful and more productive - and in the long run far more relaxing - than "unwind with a drink or four" would have been.

Monday, June 19, 2017

Day 395


The heat wave broke, which helped generally and the current round of family drama seems to be over which helped specifically and although work is more irritating than usual I only have two more days this week. So that's all good.

Grocery shopping on a Monday evening during tourist season? Not good at all. Downright lousy, in fact...but over. Had some ice cream to celebrate that fact.

Tomorrow I'm going to finally replace the car key-fob which broke over a year ago. That will be a real accomplishment. It isn't like I haven't -wanted- to do it but that car was with Eldest two states away for almost all of that time and the dealership is a good 45-55 minutes away. But tomorrow after the affiliate site visit is the day. Huzzah.

Sunday, June 18, 2017

Day 394


I did have a pajama day but ABL decided to be a jerk for most of it. Ya win some ya lose some. Family drama still happening; I'm awfully sick of it. Awfully sick of the recurring feeling of resentment that I, as the stable person, just don't get to -have- least not any acknowledged or validated by others. It's an exaggeration I know but I've been in an annoyed sulky mood most of the day.

Fortunately sleep resets everything and tomorrow is a whole different day.

Saturday, June 17, 2017

Day 393

Fairly lazy day. Needed it.

Just realized that I'm in that window between "13 thirty-day units" and "13 months by date."  That feels pretty good. Also today I was watching a PBS travel show about Morocco and at some point the host said something about "hospitality and tea" while the camera panned across many women at a cafe in hijab and I thought "oh look! A whole -bunch- of people who don't drink!"

Then I took a nap. It's never the first day after a late night but the second when it all catches up.

Vacation coming up. Just a long weekend but "long" in this case is 5 days so that will be nice. I'm also thinking of putting off the shopping till Monday night and making tomorrow a Pajamas Day; haven't had one of those in a while and Father's Day in a tourist town (and a -sporty- tourist town at that) sounds like a good day to stay in.

Friday, June 16, 2017

Day 392

Wow, that's a heckuvalotta days. Go team me.

If that doesn't seem as enthused as it ought that's because exhaustion is setting in. Stayed up -far- too late last night with all the Drama and most of the Feelings and then had to go represent at in-law's birthday party. But hey, it looks like I'm on the downside of this particular round of chaos.

Also Youngest is officially done with school for the year - huzzah.

I would have never thought it much less viscerally known it as I do now but sober is just SO much better for Family Drama. That thought kept coming back to me all day as I dragged myself along with double-strength tea and a bakery cinnamon-raisin bun. Sure I was tired but I wasn't hung over, ashamed or trying to recall just exactly what had gone down. Much better place.

Also since I -did- survive a particularly unpleasant  evening/night/wee small hours I made sure to buy  myself a treat. This time it was a set of knitting needles I've wanted for a while.

Bedtime now. Sleeping late if I can manage it but "late" may only be 7-something instead of 6:20.

Thursday, June 15, 2017

Day 391

So much family drama.

But hey, I can deal with it. I'm an emotionally strong and generally capable.

Doesn't mean it doesn't suck though.

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

Day 390

Today was the first day in a while that I didn't -wake-up- tired and achy so that's progress.  However it was pretty stressful otherwise. Mostly time pressure - I just don't do well with that. Also some family stuff about which I have to keep saying "not my circus; not my monkeys." Having the Captain Awkward Archives as my primary reading material this week is helpful on that front.

One thing that almost thirteen months of sobriety has started to help me see is that I'm an emotionally strong person. Back when I was in school a colleague said "you're a rock, man" and I sort of brushed it off - especially because "If I'm so stable how come I drink so much?" These days though I'm starting to see his point and that feels good. It's not that I don't get the Big Sads or the Red Rages but that in this past year I've learned how to have emotions like that and neither let them consume me or cause me to consume booze. That feels awfully good when I stop to think about it.

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Day 389


Starting to finally feel better physically and then got a big case of Sad. Mostly because I've been dealing with stress on both the work and home front. So. Sick. Of. People. Living in a tourist town also doesn't help much.

But hey, I bought one of those tiny four-serving cakes from the grocery bakery and had my piece first thing when I got home. Fewer miles and dollars - both literally and figuratively - than the vodka-soda I would have had a couple years ago. Also eating a piece of cake when you first get in doesn't lead one to be oversloppy while making dinner.

But damn I wish I had a real "away" vacation lined up. Maybe next year.

Monday, June 12, 2017

Day 388

Still not healthy yet; this is getting annoying. But hey,super easy dinner and bed by 9 is the way to go.

Sober is also the way to go. For me for sure.

Sunday, June 11, 2017

Day 387

Felt worse today than yesterday; what the hell?!  Oh well it's over now: have officially moved from couch to bed.

Bunch of family drama didn't help matters a bit I'm sure. is all so much easier to manage as a sober person...well, except for drunken family members. If I were healthy I might be all the way to amused tolerance but tonight I stalled out at annoyed.

But sleep awaits and tomorrow is a whole new day.

Saturday, June 10, 2017

Day 386

I am so glad I'm a sober person.

Youngest went to her first rock concert tonight and although I had offered to drive she made arrangements to get a ride home with a classmate. Classmate's car broke down and I learned about it at around 6:30. Not a problem! Happy to fetch Youngest and her friend!

Couple years ago I would've also done it but it would have been "staying" sober with much resentment and I would have likely started drinking when I got home at ten freaking forty-five. Madness. Especially as I'm -still- not back to health baseline...starting to think I have a light (thanks to a couple decades of vaccinations) case of Flu B as it has been way more prevalent than A and peaked late.

In any case I spent most of the day horizontal and plan to do much the same - apart from the grocery shopping - tomorrow.

Friday, June 9, 2017

Day 385

Nap day.

As in came home and had one for nearly 2 hours. Let one kid fetch the (McDonalds) dinner, let the other one feed the cats. When I did wake up I had ice cream and cookies for dinner.

When I finally went to put on my pajamas I discovered the -cutest- stuffed dachshund toy dog on the bed...THAT was why Spouse had been going on and on about getting another dog. It was sweet and thoughtful and funny (we watch a lot of _That 70s Show_ so it had sorry-about-menopause tones too) and I immediately called to say how much I loved it and apologize for what a jerk I had been -- in retrospect he had never once said anything about it being a real dog but I assumed and we all know Felix Unger said that assuming makes an ASS out of U and ME.

The whole driving thing is starting to gel for Youngest and Eldest feels okay about her first law school quiz. I feel very okay about getting to sleep in tomorrow.

Thursday, June 8, 2017

Day 384

Not a great day.

The lunch with friends wasn't that great, work was both busy and depressing and Eldest is having a rough adjustment to her only-one-but-accelerated law school class so I'm hearing a lot about that.

Plus Spouse has this running gag about getting another dog and I'm not inaplace to find that funny if it's a joke or acceptable if it's serious. But the dog I -do- own has a yeasty ear.  Got a bad case of Too Many Things Going On.

So I had two different kinds of carbs for dinner and went to bed early.

Despite everything that three hundred and eighty freaking four number is pretty cool.

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

Day 383

Two steps forward, one back.

Under weather again. Work busier and with some unpleasant features. Middle generally sullen and mild-to-moderate inconsiderate.

But hey, sober. Which means good sleep and no worries about misremembering/not remembering shit.

Tuesday, June 6, 2017

Day 382

Better day.

Must have been sick: scratchy throat in the morning but overall more energy and less sad/angry.

Discovered the totally awesome Captain Awkward blog and have been totally binge-reading the archives. Too hard to make it a clicky-link on tiny phone screen so I'll leave it as an exercise for the reader but BOY does she give good advice. Totally accepting, too.

And now sleep. Loves me some sleep. Been so long - more than a year! - since I had the sweaty pounding heart thirsty horrible wee small hours...don't miss that at all.

Monday, June 5, 2017

Day 381

Long day.

Woke up stunningly irritable - after Youngest drove us into town and she had gone into school I was actually yelling out loud in the car "that was THE most annoying thing in the WORLD!" about her having driven even though it was no different from other days.

Had a big sad for no reason later in the morning. Figured all this was emotional or menopause hormones or something so I forced myself to get out in the fresh air for a walk at lunchtime but that didn't go well either.

Had a weary slow afternoon but was still just crying tired when I came home. I thought I was depressed but noticed right before a nap my throat had got real scratchy and after sleep and some dinner including pie I felt considerably better. So maybe the whole thing is borderline sick. I never seem to figure out "gee I'm -really- irritable and sad" is "dummy that's how your body deals with a virus so you don't -get- to the runny/drippy phase" till after the fact. Of course I didn't realize the afternoon/evening flushing was fucking hot flashes either ... I thought it was somehow related to eating and wondered what weird digestive issue or carcinoid tumor I had. Being raised by a mother who, in addition to being isolationist and crazy as hell _also_ wanted to be a guy left me absolutely woefully clueless about being a woman, especially an aging one.  She made sure I was fully informed on the booze front, that's ferdamnedshur....but that's an entirely different bottle of fish.

In any case I've been taking it very easy and whether it's physical or emotional I'm hoping to sleep it off. With nice actually-rejuvenating sober sleep.

Oh and I've got a new brownie recipe to try one of these days - that doesn't suck.

Gosh it's going to be -thirteen- months soon; how cool is that?

Sunday, June 4, 2017

Day 380

Another not-great day.

So not-great, in fact, that on the way to the grocery I thought "why even bother?" as some vague reference to booze, drugs and mass quantities of highly refined sugar. Haven't succumbed to any. That alone makes this day a huge win.

Ways the day was not-great:
1) The recipe I've been wanting to try for over a month didn't turn out very well because the frozen peaches were of poor quality.
2) The home engineered dryer vent situation needed further adjustments.
3) The basement radiator which I had repaired a while back, has started leaking again. Not nearly as much as before but not zero either.

Those three alone were enough to do me in before shopping this morning...but the day had yet more in store:  Eldest's very favorite college professor died earlier this week, it is raining -again- and while doing yard clean up I noticed wood around one of the bay windows which really needs work.

Fortunately the rain caused Youngest to decide -not- to have the parking practice she wanted earlier in the day...I suppose that's something. I hadn't been looking forward to it.


Well I'm doing a little better. It's just now 7 and I have ALL the evening chores done so if I feel like just going to sleep on the couch I can. Also since I finally had freshly washed bedding I washed the dog and then myself so that's a good way to start the week. Life goes on and the horrible becomes manageable whether I drink or not...and in fact it's better when I don't. Every time a really rotten thing happens and I deal with it all sober that's another brick in the temple of self esteem.

Saturday, June 3, 2017

Day 379

I think today I had the emotional fallout from yesterday.  Dropped off Youngest at the high school for her SAT and had a huge wave of sadness in the car on the way home. No real reason, just sad. Then a whole lot of angry also with no real reason. Was just a mess most of the morning...but that's okay.

Had cake and a glass of iced coffee (I'm a tea drinker so brewed coffee is the Big Gun of my caffeinated world) and then burned off some of the anger with yardwork but it was still an out-of-sorts kind of day.

Got a shitload of laundry done, that's for sure. There's still plenty more which is probably a contributor to the free-floating anger.

Kept messing up my knitting which was definitely a contributor to the free-floating anger.

Fell asleep on the couch in the late afternoon and surprise, surprise...that helped. When all else fails just put yourself down for a nap like an overstimulated toddler.

Friday, June 2, 2017

Day 378

What a day.

Took a personal day for the dryer repair person and then got an email at 8:36 saying arrival time would be between 11:30 and 1:30. Got a text at 1:15 telling me the service person was en route. The guy arrived at 1:40 and I just didn't care for him.

Anyhow the reason another part in the dryer failed in so short a time is because the dryer vent not only runs many feet (15 perhaps) between the kitchen floor and basement ceiling but then goes UP to a vent some 10 feet or so above ground level. The vent near the ground outside turns out to be for the range. So even if I did hire someone to put a zillion dropcloths over the vintage computers, remove the acoustic tile and thoroughly clean the ductwork the problem would only recur because of the design. And there isn't a good solution because as the repairman noticed, the laundry room is in the middle of the house.

Once again the house has painfully reminded me there are REASONS why we have the profession "architect."  We are the second owners of this house. The first owners were the ones who had it blueprints they themselves had designed on one of those Eighties computer programs that aren't even made any more. Blueprints which they then shopped around to local contractors with the lowest bids. Every. Single. Time. We've had repairmen (yes, still always men in these parts) in for -anything- at some point I always hear "why did they do THAT?"

So this was a bitter but not unfamiliar pain. Two trips to the hardware store later and I've got the dryer venting into the garage for now but it looks ridiculous and means the garage door is now permanently open the width of slightly-smushed dryer air hose. But after damned near a month of heat less dryer we will adapt.

Dog acted up, brother in law acted up and the whole dryer inciden unnerved me enough that I screwed up my knitting and had to rip out a good hour-plus of work.

All that and the husband of an Internet acquaintance died. It was somewhat expected and he was 91 but it's still sad.

Carry-out for dinner and Not. One. Other. Thing. the whole rest of the night...except for re-doing the knitting I lost.

As I told Spouse on the phone, I am _really_good_ at coping. Highly capable.

But tired.

Thursday, June 1, 2017

Day 377

Okay day.

Made sure I had a substantial snack and extra caffeine around 3 and hey, presto! No sad/angry/resentful in the early evening. Seems like I'm overlooking physical issues like fatigue or hunger and attributing those things to emotion. Don't know where that came from but going to be working on it.

Stupid dryer repair customer service was supposed to text/email today to narrow down the arrival window from "between 8am and 5pm."  They texted and emailed...but only to confirm the SAME all-day window not narrow it down to morning or afternoon. Tried to get someone to pin it down morebut no luck whatsoever.

So I'm taking a personal day. Annoying but no other good choices. On the other hand it gives me another 3-day weekend and who doesn't like three day weekends?

I just hope it is an easy quick fix -- every single one of us has a bigger than usual pile of laundry.