Thursday, November 30, 2017

Day 559

Peculiar day. Woke up a half hour late after the most unsettling bizarre dream - not a nightmare but weirdly unpleasant in its own way. Car acting up a little - enough to make me worry disproportionately even after making an appointment for service. Must be stress.

Took a walk at lunchtime and stepped on a sidewalk I didn’t realize was still wet till after I left two footprints - and then the village works truck drive by. I alternated between horrified with fear of reprisal and annoyed that no barricade or warning sign was in place. I hope someone from the works truck actually fixed it otherwise my feet are going to be forever in front of a local church.

Got a nasty headache in the late afternoon which might explain why I hit “self clean” instead of “start” on the oven...didn’t realize that till I wondered why it smelled odd and hadn’t beeped to let me know the preheating was done. So dinner was delayed by the half hour it took to cool down enough do the auto-lock would unlock. Once again I gave myself dementia (TWO fuckups the same WEEK! said the Inner Critic) but this time because of the headache I threw in brain tumor, multiple sclerosis and impending TIA or stroke.

Family was difficult because ABL acted up and I’m pretty sure my overdrinking relative has abandoned the most recent quit attempt. But hey at least it is early to bed tonight which will definitely not make things any worse and has a good chance of making them better.

Wednesday, November 29, 2017

Day 558

The first truly easy day at work I’ve had in a long time. Took a walk at lunch which was kind of amazing. Even so I realized after the fact that every single day this week had two separate instances of...of...oh yes: “providing clarification.”  Not nice to say “fixing stupid.”

The big thing, though, is that all my Christmas shopping is done. Praise be for mail order. This is definitely a new personal best as it isn’t even December yet but it feels like a huge weight off my back. Now I wouldn’t -have- to do any other thing and I’ve met the societal obligations. Well...except for having a meal with MiL on the day itself but I’m still in denial about that since it’s practically a whole month away.

Can you tell I don’t do well with holidays? Thanksgiving is by far the worst but Christmas runs a close second place. I’m going that by making everything from this point out an optional thing I might be able to enjoy it more. (I’ll spare you all my “women are the keepers of Christmas” platform.)

Spent too much time on the computer again tonight but it’s not as bad as two nights ago - I think I can still get a decent amount of sleep. Which I should start doing.


Tuesday, November 28, 2017

Day 557

Early to bed tonight - can’t even think of doing another way-too-late night like yesterday. Didn’t get to sleep till something like 1:30.

Which is probably a big part of why today was sad with a side order of angry - no particular reason so I’m thinking it was the overtired toddler factor at work. Ended up having Mexican for lunch because I got too hungry and the immediate warm chips/cold salsa sounded really good and it was...but I had forgotten their iced tea is undrinkable. Also I had planned on an enchilada but once there I obstinately didn’t want to pay dinner-menu price so ended up ordering off the lunch menu...and for some reason had quesadilla and chimichanga mixed up in my head - ordered the former thinking I was getting the latter and only after the food came did I realize my mistake. Every time something like that happens I instantly panic “ohmahghawd is it the Alzheimer’s ?!” even though I’m only barely 51...that’s the downside of 23&Me. I have two copies of the gene associated with _late_ onset Alzheimer’s which means I have a 40-something chance of having it by age 75 and a 60% chance by 85. This is not thrilling to me but on the other hand I wouldn’t dream of trying to win with 60/40 odds so I don’t really worry about it...except for the odd bit of forgetfulness like today.

Anyhow the food, although a little unexpected, was fine and I particularly like their black beans. However between that, all the vacation food and the iced coffee with sugar-free hazelnut syrup I got on the way home to prevent afternoon crash I was bloated like the Willy Wonka blueberry girl all evening.

Even a mere five hours of sober sleep is still way better than the whole routine of crashing hard at 11 only to wake up sometime past three with thirst, palpitations and sweat...which now seems so far removed and alien that I am more puzzled by than disapproving of having lived that way for so many years. It’s insidious, that’s for sure.


Monday, November 27, 2017

Day 556

Work started off badly and ended badly - sometimes it is like that. Oh, and there was a rather wretched meeting in the middle.

Got home an hour late which pushed everything else back an hour so I’m just now trying to go to sleep at half past midnight. Stayed up far too late goofing off with a computer game: unlike last night I just didn’t get sleepy. Not really sleepy now but gotta start doing the relaxation stuff as I will still have to get up in the morning.

Ah but tomorrow I’m taking myself out to lunch so there’s that. Gonna save the sheets for a different day though; don’t feel like shopping for anything anywhere this week.

Sunday, November 26, 2017

Day 555

Home again.  Long drive. Saying goodbye gets harder every time; I don't know how I'm going to do another two and a half years of this. It is what it is, though.

Made things as easy on myself as possible once we got here though: frozen pizza after the shopping and sent Middle to the gas station so I wouldn't have to go out again. Shower, jammies...and early bedtime for sure. Laundry can wait till tomorrow or later in the week or something. Speaking of later in the week: I have to do my "big loop" of driving for work on Tuesday so I'm going to treat myself to lunch -and- finally pick up those sheets that were going to be last month's sober treat.  Changing the sheets once I got home this afternoon reminded me.

I'm hoping that in a couple days I'll bounce back because right now I feel like at least half my energy and life-force has been sucked right out of me. Combination of missing Spouse and Eldest, long drive and 15 degree drop in temperature between the two houses I think, but it's no fun whatever it is. Work should be easier than it's been these past couple months (notice I qualify it with "should") which will help.

Bedtime.

Saturday, November 25, 2017

Day 554

Now that all the holiday pressure is over it was a really lovely day. Of course it was also the last day - life is like that. Took a walk with Eldest, ate good food ... it was all just so nice.

I’m really sad to be getting in the car and driving 4.5 hours back to the regular house but that’s where the good job and the kids’ schools are. It sucks to live apart from Spouse and Eldest but it’s the best of the options so that’s what we are doing. Although all five of us felt and commented on how nice it was to all be together under the same roof: parents, kids and dogs. No ABL, no MiL and no Aunt, just nuclear family and SiL when he wasn’t working.

Really happy to be sober though - it makes everything else, even sad stuff, easier.

Friday, November 24, 2017

Day 553

Today was easier.

Eldest acknowledged my efforts yesterday with a pair of fuzzy socks which was sweet. I had two and a half hours all to myself at the car dealership waiting for service so I got to enjoy knitting and my audiobook which normally I save just for walks...but I decided on Wednesday that my ongoing treat for this whole trip was to listen to my audiobook whenever I wanted.

Oh there was still some annoyance...but it was fairly easily dealt with.

Holidays are stressful enough: I’m so glad to be doing them sober now.

Thursday, November 23, 2017

Day 552 US Thanksgiving

Eight fifteen in the morning and I am writing lest I start breaking things.

I am, of course, the only one of this six-person household awake. I slept in an hour past my usual time for which I was grateful so the day didn’t start off -immediately- lousy. So fine, snapped the leash on boy-beagle to go do his business since he didn’t have his bedtime pee because there are far too many New! Different! Exciting! smells in the backyard down here.

Twenty minutes: nothing.
Fine, I did -my- business but kept him on his leash because I didn’t  want him peeing on the carpet. I poured some tea and tried again. Another 20 minutes: nothing. I decided to come in and actually drink my tea and maybe have something to eat and feed him while I was at it. Kept him on his leash.

He wasn’t interested in breakfast. While I ate mine I started thinking about the day’s cooking and realized I had no idea when to actually -serve- the dinner because despite asking multiple times I never found out whether SiL works today at all and if so, when. But that’s when I realized that the pie had to go in regardless...and that’s also when boy-beagle managed to wriggle out of -another- (this makes three) harness to go climb on Youngest who was sleeping on the couch. Given the recent escapes and how much trouble I’ve had getting and fitting harnesses you can imagine this was more than a little upsetting but I had a frozen pie in my other hand so I didn’t do anything other than put the leash with harness still attached aside, take a small moment to be grateful it happened -inside- for a change and put the pie in the oven.

Turned around to find him peeing on the carpeting. A lot. Dead center. Of course.

I poured hydrogen peroxide on it and got out the carpet cleaner (on a whole different floor of the house, naturally) and have now dealt with the whole mess and am sitting quietly with my tea typing into my phone but for a while there the rage and resentment were pretty overwhelming along with the simultaneous desires of “anything -not- to feel this way” and “I deserve more recognition than anyone is ever gonna give.” Those are feeling which on other holidays in years past would have started me drinking by noon. Probably lots of people - mostly women - are having mimosas and Bloody Marys and wine spritzers and plain ol’ white wine from the bottle open for cooking right this very minute...because they too are up and about making the holiday happen while a whole lot of other people do other things around them.

Blogging was the right choice: my resentment has mostly abated and —-

—-and that was where I was when Eldest arrived on the scene. I told her my story and when I got to the part with the harness she interrupted to start in about “yeah but that’s the same -kind- of harness you got last time and thats probably your problem. There are different -kinds- of harnesses you know..” I was, thanks to blogging, composed enough to say in a conversational tone  “yes I know but that was the only kind they sold and if you interrupt my story to be all knowledgeable I’m going to get my feelings hurt.”  She was clearly taken aback but rolled with it and said “um...okay, moving on...” so that was progress.

==much later===

Survived the day. As Thanksgivings in my family go, it was a good one. No big ugly fights, no weirdness just food on the table at a set time. I think that was because we had 1) no extended family and 2) no booze.

I had a few other big chunks of resentment but they eventually went away. Definitely ready for bed though.




Wednesday, November 22, 2017

Day 551

Better day.

Not great but at least better. Got all the stuff we need for the meal tomorrow, had a walk and also got the car’s oil changed and new wiper blades at the while-you-wait place near here. Normally I would make an appointment at my usual place back home but the wipers drove me nuts on the drive down. Given cost of high end wipers (and I know it wasn’t a huge markup since the old pair had come from the parts store and been self-installed) I ended up spending what I would at home but got free inside&out car wash AND they reset the oil life button which the local place never ever does. Less time, too - very pleasing retail experience.

So I was grateful for that. Also grateful I finally got a harness for the dog which fits.
My treats today were the onion dip I like and the seasonal cherry cookies I used to really like but which now seem a smidge too artificial.

Was glad of the treats as I’m still fighting resentment a lot.

Was also glad nobody drank today.

Tuesday, November 21, 2017

Day 550: 18 months.

Finally in bed and that’s a good feeling.

Drove 4.5 hours with practically no conversation from two kids only to get know-it-all from the third so I had worked up a good case of resentment by 12:30. Hubby suggested I take my walk which turned out to be a really smart idea as I traded my resentment for hunger which was more easily fixed.

By then overdrinking was occurring among other family members so the whole rest of the evening was about that in one way or another. On the one hand it made those earlier thoughts about “GhAWD I wish there were -something- I could do to get rid of these feelings but I don’t freaking drink any more so I’m stuck like this” seem silly. On the other it means nobody but y’all out in the blogosphere know what a milestone today was for me. I mentioned it briefly to two of the kids but I doubt either will remember.

Doesn’t make it any less a milestone though. Not sure what I’ll do for a treat as I still haven’t bought my last-month’snew sheet set treat but there definitely needs to be something. Can’t think of -what- yet but I’m hoping it will come to me.

So glad to be a sober person. So very glad and grateful.

Monday, November 20, 2017

Day 549

I think it’s all catching up to me. The dog chasing. The family stuff. The work stuff. I’ve had a good full meal with the kids at our new favorite restaurant and I’m just exhausted. Emotionally even more than physically.

But hey, I’m on vacation again so that’s good. Tomorrow we drive down to the other house - with the dog for the first time ever. Of course this upsets MiL who thinks having her son and sister isn’t enough and has expected at least one kid to stay behind - presumably to watch the dog - so she could inflict Thanksgiving upon them. Yeah, well, not so much.

I don’t want to drink but I feel out of sorts and generally blah in a way not unlike early sobriety. I think bedtime is the answer.

Eighteen months tomorrow. That ought to have exclamation points but I’m just not feeling it right now.

Sunday, November 19, 2017

Day 548

Drove all the way to an actual pet store for a dog harness and damned if I didn’t put it on badly/wrong the first time so he had -another- Great Escape today. Into the woods behind our house. In the sleet. He eventually came back but boy did that 90-120 minutes seem like forever. Got my shoes soaked; glad I’ve got another pair for tomorrow.

Otherwise it was a reasonable day - finished enough of the sweater I’m knitting to try on and it will fit for sure...though it’s shorter than I’d prefer. If I have yarn left after it’s all done I might add to the bottom but more likely I’ll learn to love the length it is.

Tomorrow is my last working day before my Thanksgiving vacation and I have more work than expected — need to stay on top of things all day. At least I know I will be able to start the day full-speed....I can -always- start the day full speed now that I don’t drink.

Also tomorrow a treat I’ve planned for a good half, perhaps whole, week: kids and I are going out to dinner. ABL is with MiL for the holiday so we -can- go to a restaurant easily which means we will. All of us are pretty excited about that.

Not so excited about the fact that MiL has already told Spouse about the leftovers she plans to give me after the holiday. She has ABL but the rest of us (including the escape-artist beagle) are driving down to Chaos South as Eldest has law school and SiL works. Probably at least part of the actual day itself as his job is in a bar/liquor store combo. Anyhow MiL bought a 16-lb turkey for three people. Sigh.I’m only doing a breast for six especially as one of them - me - doesn’t eat meat in the first place.

Thanksgiving is my least favorite holiday. In fact I pretty much hate it. I’ve had too many really awful ones over the years, especially growing up. If it were up to me I’d either order Asian carry out or vacation outside the country. Unfortunately those aren’t options; the whole rest of the family likes the holiday. Sigh.

Saturday, November 18, 2017

Day 547

Tired.  Had enough energy and motivation to go for a walk - first time in a week- then got a bag of de-ice and replacement bulbs for the outside lights so we would be ready for the first real snow of the season due tomorrow night into Monday. Six trips up and down the ladder. All was well and good...till the dog popped his collar and took off across the neighbors’ yards. Middle finally got him just inside the woods which border all the houses...and I went back to the hardware store for a harness. I need to go another size up as this one only barely fits at full extension of the buckles which is okay for a quick walk as it doesn’t bind him but I want to get a nicer/looser one tomorrow.

On the other hand I got a surprise no-reason package in the mail from my dear friend...on a day I really really needed it.

Exhausted. The dog is too.

Friday, November 17, 2017

Day 546

Hey I just realized: Monday will be 18 months. Pretty cool.

Glad the day is ending with that bright note. Had way-cray (crazy) dreams last night, woke up angry and stayed that way pretty much all day. Got plenty of things to be angry about and anger is at least more productive than sadness or despair but I’m hoping I’ll wake up better tomorrow. Angry isn’t a very good emotional neighborhood.

Early bedtime always helps though, so that’s what I’m doing. Plus some extra sweets throughout the day. If I’m already angry it wouldn’t do to be hungry or tired or lonely. Time to see whether I get better dreams tonight.

Thursday, November 16, 2017

Day 545

Bah. Woke up sneezing again. Foul mood all day and even now in bed still angry at the world both on  a macro and micro level. Hoping tomorrow will be better.

But hey, didn’t drink and didn’t take my emotions out on anyone else so it’s another winning day. Go me. Just wish the overall positive/negative balance - or at least my perception of it - would improve. Oh well...they can’t all be gems.

Wednesday, November 15, 2017

Day 544

I thought I was All Better today so I tried doing spinny-bike (what Youngest calls the stationary bicycle) but got awfully exhausted awfully fast - spent rest of night on couch without even energy to knit. Also my throat started hurting. I suppose I’m not all that surprised given my baseline stress level what with at least minor family drama on a pretty much daily basis and at least minor work headaches every darned day.

But I’m 1) staying sober and 2) not taking my emotions out on others and those two things are enough to call the day a win. Not overeating, either, which is just icing on the cake...though that’s probably a poor metaphor to use.

I wish I did have more energy for walking or spinny-bike as I was enjoying my new audiobook before I got sick. I had also kind of hoped to not have to renew at least one book once...but no matter as they go right back to “available” as I don’t get anything so new as to be a hot commodity. All the same, Overdrive (the app most libraries use) has changed my fitness world.

There’s a whole lot of stuff in my life completely beyond my control and I’ve found enough serenity to acknowledge and accept that so I’m not still trying to push the river - I know it flows by itself - but I’m getting awfully tired of many things on this particular boat ride. Yeah I realize how well I have it in many ways and am grateful for lots of things...and I know life will ease up as it always does...but tonight is one of those glass-not-only-half-empty-but-cracked nights. Time to walk the dog and call it bedtime.

Tuesday, November 14, 2017

Day 543

Healthier. Not so much in the morning but now that it’s bedtime I seem to be back to baseline — which makes sense. Got all the way sick Saturday night so that makes 3 days which is about how long a cold ever lasts for me.

Normally I blog - as I am now - from my phone while in bed: makes a nice ritual to close out the day.  However I didn’t start out that way: I started blogging from my computer where I read many other sober blogs - it was the push I needed to stay focused as I had just lapsed after a little over six months of sobriety. So I had a whole slew of blogs on my Favorites bar. Many were those I considered my cohort: people who were sober roughly the same amount of time I was. This evening I web surfed from that computer for the first time in ages...and it was stunning how many blogs had closed up shop. I should probably check my own blog roll for broken links but not tonight - still too somber a thing. I always wonder what happened. Even Mr. Sponsorpants hasn’t posted since January and although I’ve noticed that fact since February there’s no way I could ever delete him from the list ... or Mrs S, either, even though it’s been more than a year.

This is a hard thing we are all trying to do.

Totally worthwhile, of course...as I was telling Eldest the other day on a completely different topic, anything worth doing is gonna be at least a little hard...but definitely no cake walk.

Monday, November 13, 2017

Day 542

Not as sick. Still plenty of room for improvement but hugely better than yesterday.

Did my Big Loop double site visit day and neither of the people I was supposed to see were there because my secretary hadn’t scheduled the visits with them. Was on my calendar but not theirs. Sigh.

Had crazy dreams all last night the most vivid being of my mother trying to get me to drink various kinds of alcohol. Didn’t but got tired of arguing in the dream and woke up annoyed. Weird way to start the day.

Hoping for a more peaceful week.


Sunday, November 12, 2017

Day 541

Head cold. Yuck.

This week, though, I was prepared for and not taken aback by the self serve checkout. Made all the difference getting the big items early. It’s always something though: the frozen rolls my family really likes were in the “discontinued items” freezer case. Sigh.

After the groceries I spent all day on the couch with brief interruptions for a load of laundry and an oven dinner: roast with baby potatoes and carrots. Youngest just got home so now it’s bedtime and I wisely made -her- take the dog tonight. I like him but I will sleep better without his constant pressing up against me and my resultant scooching closed and closer to the edge.

Boy I hope I sleep this off.

Saturday, November 11, 2017

Day 540

Wow five hundred and forty is a lot of days.

Phone woke me up this morning and unfortunately the irritation stuck around. Now that it’s bedtume I suspect at least some of it was/is impending illness: fell asleep on the couch right after dinner and woke up all sneezy and with watery eyes. On the one hand it’s good to have an explanation for why I’ve been so down and draggy - I’m always willing to think it’s entirely emotional - but on the other who wants to be sick? I’ve taken Zicam, that zinc thing, which I’m not sure works or not but at least it makes me feel like I’m doing -something-

I did get quite a bit of knitting done today which felt nice. Also, remembering last week’s self checkout fiasco I planned ahead and got all the bulky beverages for the week tonight before picking up the pizza. And I cleaned the bathroom so that’s two productive things which is totally enough. I no longer have to do everything I can think of and then some to “earn” the right to get drunk on Saturday night.

Don’t have to get drunk on Saturday night either.

Friday, November 10, 2017

Day 539

Better today but there’s still room for improvement. Did the work stuff I had to do but left way too much for Monday - mental state was largely “sick of all this” so I spent far too much of the day websurfing. Didn’t walk, either - it was freakishly bitter cold and I couldn’t force myself to do the treadmill - even with a decent audiobook it’s still pretty dull.

Middle fetched dinner for everyone though so that was nice and I had a new book which was also nice. No plans at all for tomorrow so I’m hoping to sleep in and maybe get back to baseline. I got a box of donuts so breakfast is already set.

Wish I had something wisecorcwitty or at least silly to offer but I’m still kinda tapped out and barely getting by emotionally. Well I do have one thing: in the long run, self care works way better than booze. May not feel like it in the short term but it totally does.

Thursday, November 9, 2017

Day 538

A “close down the mountain” day. Haven’t had one of those in a long time.

Woke up 20 min early after not-great sleep and was completely exhausted both physically and emotionally. Like put my head down on my folded arms at the kitchen table while the dog ate his breakfast exhausted which isn’t me at all.

Knew I had a big pile of work and opening night of Youngest’s musical so I cut everything to the bare minimum. No trying to squeeze in a walk, no trying to get a little cleaning done, microwaved leftovers for family dinner...and I had chocolate cheesecake for dinner. Wasn’t as good as I had hoped but it felt indulgent all the same which was the point.

I’m hoping tomorrow is better.

Wednesday, November 8, 2017

Day 537

Another really long mostly unpleasant day. Too much work at the office and too much emotional support to give at home. Lost my cool detachment and got frustrated with my drinking family member...which, predictably, didn’t go well. We all know from personal experience how poorly someone who overdrinks reacts to anyone not on board the good ship ethanol. I wish I could have expressed my worry and concern in a more effective way but I had just run flat out of compassion at that point.

It’s better (the verbal tension and arguing; no clue what will happen with the drinking) now but I realized that I am still trying way too hard not to have negative emotions and apologizing for them when I do. I might be getting better at the more tangible aspects of living life but there’s still a lot of mountain to climb on the emotional side of things.

But hey: didn’t drink and didn’t -want- to drink so the day was still a success.

Tuesday, November 7, 2017

Day 536

Another long hard day

Tonight I skipped my walk in favor if doing some housework and it made me feel a lot better psychologically.

Good thing too because afterwards I had a really draining family phone call.

Something which has occurred to me a few times this past week: sober living means never waking up with new regrets. That’s a big thing.

Monday, November 6, 2017

Day 535

Really lousy Monday at work.

But I took care of myself by not getting too caught up in the chaos and by making nachos as soon as I got home because, as I told Youngest, melted cheese makes everything better.

Then I got a big ol’ belated birthday present from the woman I call my sister - Mac nuts from a Big Island Farm not 20 miles from where she lives. That helped.

Lying around on the couch all night helped too. I’d be in bed already if it weren’t for Youngest still being out at rehearsal.

Tonight I’m specifically glad not to be still drinking because this is the kind of night where, because of the lousy day, I would have started the second d I got home, been resentful of having to do dinner and been up too late and that’s not even taking the effects of the alcohol itself into account.  This is better.

Sunday, November 5, 2017

Day 534

I think Daylight Savings Time is categorically silly but in the fall it is kind of nice that getting up at what my body thinks is the usual time turns out to be an hour earlier. I was at the grocery a smidge before eight which was astounding. Practically nobody was there, either...which cut both ways. I like self serve checkouts: they are efficient and usually have no line. However this morning I had to run the week’s groceries for a family of four through one because there was no _non_ express-lane cashier. That -really- sucked a lot. Balancing All The Things on the bag area, even with shelf and turntable, was nigh impossible...and I got the “please wait for an attendant” warning a good 8 or 10 Times. The attendant was very quick to punch whatever buttons at the control station fixed things but I was still just about ready to have a breakdown by the time I got everything rung up. Then I had to reload the cart, unload it into the car then bring everything in...at least Youngest was awake to help put it all away. Such an ordeal.

Treated myself right away to an easy tasty breakfast though - that helped.

Otherwise it was just another pleasant valley Sunday. I cooked - “Five pounds” sounds like a lot of mashed potatoes but it turned out to be 11 medium-sized spuds which became one big serving bowlful. Since I needed more than half for the dinner shepherds pie and I wanted extras to have both plain (I don’t eat shepherd’s pie) and for leftovers,  I was glad I did the whole bag after all.

And now to bed...on fresh sheets. Still not up to changing them weekly and still haven’t bought the new set of sheets I was planning a while back but every other weekend is progress nonetheless.

A whole new week awaits.

Saturday, November 4, 2017

Day 533

Dog woke me early but after doing the Critter Stuff I went back to sleep on the couch for another hour - always pleasant. Once I was up for the day I realized sleep had largely fixed the loneliness of yesterday.

Not nearly as ambitious this Saturday as last but I did all the stuff I needed to do. Also a lot of knitting which had to be ripped out and re-done because I didn’t read the pattern carefully enough - live and learn. I fixed the problem and recovered about half of what I lost before I realized that Daylight Savings starting night or not, it’s bedtime. 


Friday, November 3, 2017

Day 532

Today was all about the “L” in HALT. This whole living-apart thing really hit me hard today. Yeah yeah, we decided this was the way to go and theoretically it’s only for a total of three years but today it just really got to me.

And of course this was the evening Middle went out early to spend the night with friends and Youngest had a rehearsal which will run way late. Given how hard it’s been not to overeat I’m really glad there’s no booze in the house. I don’t think I would have any but I wouldn’t want to have the struggle.

Normally I’m just fine keeping my own company but it has been s long and often frustrating week which seems to make it all worse. None of my usual activities had any appeal - didn’t want to knit or do computer gaming or even read...but wasn’t sleepy enough to nap either. Mostly just crashed on the couch and played freecell solitaire on my phone. Which is okay, I suppose, but not how I had envisioned spending my Friday night. I had thought there would be more phone time with the Away Team family, more knitting, maybe something on TV...but it is what it is.

And now it’s late enough to be bedtime. Sleep never hurts and often helps.

Thursday, November 2, 2017

Day 531

Better day. Still room for improvement but not as draggy or moody. Got off work an hour early which helped a lot: had a nice leisurely showerbath (shower to get clean then fill tub for a soak) before dinner.  Youngest got her driver’s license on Monday so I didn’t have to worry about taking her to/from rehearsal which also helped.

Now to sleep. Quiet self-care is starting to feel normal and reflexive.



Wednesday, November 1, 2017

Day 530

Another very out of sorts day. No motivation, no drive...just hungry and tired all day long. Moody too.

Cut myself a lot of slack - microwaveable dinner, skipped my walk (first time in 6 weeks,) had an extra snack. Early bedtime. I think I might finally be getting the hang of not pushing myself or mentally scolding myself when I get tired and cranky and recalcitrant.