Day 889

So much driving. So much city/suburban-sprawl/traffic driving. Could totally live without it. 

Have been eating too much - it’s flat out trying to bury unpleasant emotions and boredom with food and it’s no good for the long term but right now in the short term it feels familiar and easy. Sigh.

Day 888

So much time driving today. Still, an okay day. Drama, but okay.

One of the things which helped was realizing that time here in the “other” house isn’t vacation. Not sure what it is exactly but it is not vacation in the true sense of the word.

Days 886 and 887

Wow I’ve never skipped -two- days of blogging before. Not to worry; I’m still sober and all but it’s been surprisingly stressful for a “vacation.” Mostly, I think, because of my lousy attitude which I’m hoping is improving and will continue to do so.

My response to Saturday night angina was not worry but anger - how dare my body fail me in such an important way and - even bigger - how dare this be the life I’m living right now?! I always thought there would be all this time after I retired and although there most likely still will be, having a big ol’ brush with my mortality put me in kind of a sulk thinking the life I really wanted was a lot different from the life I’m currently living and that’s on top of the whole getting-used-to-being-middle-aged thing.

Then I turned 52 yesterday in an extremely low-key kind of way which is to say there was no fuss of any kind. We will say I spent the day “in quiet reflection” because that sounds a lot nicer than “kinda sulking” even though that’s closer to the truth. I don’t have to wear my splint but the hand still hurts too much to do a lot of stuff like knit and then this new health thing to deal with when I get back...

...and I still have drinkers in the family. I don’t talk much about it because it’s their story not mine but  for the past couple days that’s been pretty annoying too. Y’all have no doubt lived your own walking sober amongst the inebriated stories so you don’t need mine other than to say I’ve had that lived experience too.

But I am surviving. Sitting here in a quiet dark house waiting for Eldest to get up and ready so I can take her to the train station. Planning to do a load of laundry today and must remember to buy distilled water in the way back from the train station. Now that I’ve adapted to the fact that “time in the other house isn’t actually ‘vacation’ but its own thing” I think the rest of the week should be easier.

I hope so, anyway.

Day 885

Down to the other house. Stressful trip. Pretty sure I had angina earlier this evening. Helluva early birthday present—I liked the flowers from my friend and the Godiva from Spouse much better though there may be little of the chocolate left by Monday.

Day 884

Officially on vacation. Stress-ate way too much food, too. Chinese carry-out -and- Ho-Hos. After having fries for lunch. Boy am I bloated. But hey, there are worse things.

I haven’t thought this in quite a while and I’m not sure I’ve ever posted it here: although “more days -not- drinking than drinking” is a good thing on its own the magic is really in “continuous days.” Trouble is the good magic doesn’t even start till past 60 sometimes 90 and it’s tough to get there. Totally worth it though so just keep trying.

Day 883

 Spoke with my hand PA. Have official approval to stop wearing splint! Cautioned not to lift anything with that hand for another 2 weeks and to let pain be my guide for all else. Huzzah!! He even said "that's very reasonable" when I explained about the joint stiffness, the swelling and the emotional distress...so I'm not a crazy person or at least no more so than usual.

My lunch date with colleagues fell through so I took myself to lunch and had a lovely time. I have, however, overdone it with the hand. Pain is my guide but that’s okay since it’s bedtime.

Day 882

All things considered, a decent day. I'm already starting to keep the splint off more than on when I'm in safe places because the original break site is pretty much not at all sore but the PIP joint of my little finger is protesting and stiffening up at being curled into neutral position in the splint all the time and it was swollen in the morning from sleeping in the splint. Today is Day 15 since the injury so I’m sure it’s a bit too early so I will let my provider know and see how much he complains. Since “we could just buddy-tape it” was an option last week I’m thinking it will be okay. My peace of mind is already much improved.

Otherwise things seem okay. No fresh family drama, anyhow. My Lärabars variety pack came so I had the Cherry Pie one for dinner along with the last of my halvah. Not nutritious at all but at least real food and not synthetic tweaked molecules.

The hand is still really weak and I’m letting pain be my guide.

And now for bed.

Day 881

Easy at work; hard at home. Much drama.

Fortunately bed is happening soon. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Day 880

It’s a cool numbered day and that always helps. Eight hundred eighty. Wow. Bought myself a variety pack of Lärabars as a general hang in there life is hard treat so that’s all good.

Had frustrations at work but it all turned out more or less okay. I’ve noticed I now have more pain from the stiff little finger joint because of being nestled in the split all day than I do at the break site so I e been using that as an excuse to spend more time out of the splint which is great. So that helps.

Day 879

Today was better because I discovered that I could take the splint off and mouse without putting any stress on the break. That meant I could both websurf and play Minecraft, which made the difference between sanity and misery.

The dogs, however, are another thing entirely. I am so very tired of three dogs. That will end this coming weekend though.

I don’t think tomorrow is going to be a very good day. Time to sleep and make ready.

Day 878

Better day.

Got out to the Good Grocery which helped. Driving is much better than it was. While there I got the pistachio halvah I have eyed every time I’ve been in there and I’m glad I did. Also had my first ever Lärabar today - wow what have I been missing?!!?

Bed now. Most excellent.

Day 877

Today was really hard too.

Day 876

Really hard day. Just hard. Work and family.

But even so, a few nice things happened.

Still much room for improvement though.

Hate the splint. Know I need it but still hate it.

Day 875

Long day.

Sober though so I still win

Day 874

It’s for 3 weeks.

I can’t mouse at all. Or type. Eating is messy. Texting is even way harder. But it’s removable for bathing and overall things could be much worse. I’m still big time cranky pants. Can’t stay home, either as people are away.

But I’m sober. Go me.

Day 873

Well I got a good book and that helped. Work was slow and frustrating but it was good to be working as I have the big needing-to-Be-useful issue.  Had to be proactive - polite term for call up and nag - to get the “urgent referral” for tomorrow midday.

I find the whole thing terribly frustrating. I know there will be all kinds of little life lesson evolving moments along the way but I’m not done being pissed at getting sent this way in the first place.

Days 873 and 874

I just didn’t have it inme to post last night.

This one is so hard. I haven’t drunk but I have eaten four donuts in two days plus cereal plus vanilla tootsie rolls. I inherited from mother an inability to ask for help and from father the fear that not useful = not wanted. It’s been a real fun weekend.Lotta crying in addition to the carbs.

I’m hugely grateful to be sober and -able- to learn and grow from all this but I wish I didn’t -have- to learn and grow from all this. I’m asking for help but damn is it hard.

Bed now though. Huzzah.

Day 871

Long day. The hand is fine as long as I don’t bump it or move it or try to grasp or press. Pretty much most things. Soonest appointment was late tomorrow afternoon.

Got really cross and moody tonight. In bed now; hope it will help.

Day 870

Just now typing the post title I realized 900 days isn’t that far away and won’t that be cool?

Glad to have that realization as it is a spot of good against a lot of annoying. Hand was mostly fine all day at work because I could baby it but once I got home and started doing my usual home stuff it got good and sore again. I’m going to see if I can get an acute-Care visit at my clinic tomorrow so that if there -is- anything to do for improvement it can start being done. Also the whole family is ganging up on me as they remember when I walked around on a broken fibula for two weeks a couple years back. Also I can’t knit.

But for now I’m in bed and that’s very nice.

Day 869

Hard day. Morning moody then new puppy (well 6 months) bashed hard head into my little finger and jammed it badly and evening has been about that pretty much ever since. Hurt BAD at time and I heard a noise but hoping it was just popping of the knuckle. Ran cold water in it and elevated it and it got better but now it is swelling and hurting so I took two Motrin PM and am calling it a night.

So glad to be a non drinker. In old life I would have it as an excuse to drink more than usual and had a hangover on top of all else even though I have a busy day tomorrow. And it would have seemed like  the only possible response to such an injury. So glad to be off that roller coaster.

But ow. Big ow.

Day 868

Long day with bad work stuff at both ends of it. But the family took care of dinner and critters so when I -did- finally get home I didn’t have to do anything. 

And I’m in bed early for a change which is nice. 

Day 867

Better day. The bar was set pretty low so it wouldn’t have taken much but still, better is better.

I mean yeah sure the day started way too early with dogs barking and chewing right through the new leash (dammit!) but I also got a nice two-hour chunk of uninterrupted alone-time to indulge in polymer clay so it balanced on the good side.

Oh there was still a fair bit of resentment but overall it was hugely better than yesterday. I’m in bed at a decent hour and not miserable so hooray!

Days 865 and 866

Sorry about yesterday. By the time my head hit the pillows last night I wasn’t capable of anything except sleep. Life just keeps coming. Family drama, work uncertainty, doggie chaos — and today we discovered the washing machine faucets started leaking. Not the hoses of the new installation but the faucets themselves.

I had a little meltdown. Cried on the bed for a bit then watched a YouTube video and fixed the cold water faucet. Improved but did not fix hot water but I gave it a rest for now. We can do cold water loads indefinitely.

Ate way too much today but didn’t drink so I still win.

Someday it will get easier. It has to.

Day 864

Another really hard day. Right in the middle of it Eldest had a bunch of feelingsdrama which included hanging up on me twice, I didn’t get to go to lunch as I had planned, the dogs acted out and the Chinese restaurant screwed up my order.

I’m glad I’m an emotionally strong person but I’m just so tired of having to be the emotional anchor for so many ships. It would be nice to be the cared-for instead of the caregiver once ina while...but that doesn’t seem to be on the current menu. Sigh.

This is exactly the sort of thing that used to send me right to “fuck this; let’s drink” and I’m really glad I don’t do -that- any more since it made things worse not better. I realize staying sober under this kind of emotional stress is a significant accomplishment but even that feels more like a basic necessity to get through all this stuff and less like a source of pride.

Maybe a decent night of sleep will help. Sure couldn’t hurt.

Day 863

Long day. Family drama day. But also new washing machine day. Finally bed day.

Day 862

A little better, I think. Had a Big Mad in the middle of the day but worked around it. Dishwasher got fixed so one down, one to go in the appliance world.

The food thing could use work but I’m still not pushing it. Too much other stress in my life right now and I’m still a little shocked at how strongly and easily that wanting to drink showed up the other day. Best to step way back to what I did when that voice was still on the scene more regularly and if that includes ice cream for lunch so be it.

Day 861

Work still rough but I planned ahead and made myself a nice breakfast instead of relying on the cafeteria and that was helpful. Planned a super-easy dinner which was also helpful. Feeling a little closer to baseline. Happy to be in bed for the night.