Wednesday, January 30, 2019

Day 979

This latest bit of winter has me really down. I’m doing all the self care stuff and even managing the food thing better than previously but I’m still just so draggy. Emotionally mostly but also physically.

The family drama doesn’t ever seem to quite go away — I’m faraway but they call me up and drag me into it.

One of the self-care things I just did was call out sick for tomorrow. I have absolutely nothing pressing and my kids’ classes got canceled so I thought to myself “how many more days do you think there will be to have a snow day with both of them?” and also “nobody on their death bed ever said they wished they spent more time at work.” I’m usually dutiful enough to slack once in a while.

Tuesday, January 29, 2019

Day 978

Good day. Leftvwork before the snow. Knit. Watched TV. Boring and normal are good.

Monday, January 28, 2019

Day 977

Long day but a good one. Bed now though because early meeting in the morning.

Sunday, January 27, 2019

Day 976

Drove home today. So hard to leave Spouse. Hard to drive back into lousy weather too. Ended up going shopping anyway but that’s okay.

Still down but not nearly as down as I was. Baby steps.

Saturday, January 26, 2019

Day 975

On the road by 6:45 am today — when I travel alone I can set my own agenda. Got to the other house  by 11. Surprising lot of emotions crammed into one short day but one of them was a lot of happiness at seeing the puppy again.

I’m planning to sleep in so I won’t lezve nearly as early for the return trip. That’s okay though because Previous Me got enough supplies that I won’t have to go shopping for another day or two at least.

I so wish for a -real- vacation.

Friday, January 25, 2019

Day 974

What a day. No new family drama which is good because the tax drama is plenty. As best I can tell the issue is with the change in tax code and not with my employer which makes me feel WAY better but it took all afternoon to figure that out. Spouse is still skeptical so that consumed a chunk of the evening.

But hey, still sober so still winning.

Just looked ahead on the calendar— Day One Thousand is Feb 20.

Thursday, January 24, 2019

Day 973

Not getting any better, that’s for sure.

Today the weather continued to suck and I learned my employer did not withhold enough tax over the year just past. We won’t owe, praise be — but only because of the changes in tax law. Uncomfortable place for me as I don’t care for the current US President or his party but have benefited significantly from their platform. It’s a funny old universe.

I made easy blueberry cobbler though and that helped. It was exactly the right kind of comfort food and I ate it at just the right degree of warm. Self care is good. Plus it can be part of breakfast tomorrow.

But gosh I wish things would lighten up.

Wednesday, January 23, 2019

Day 972

Not doing well at all. Winter plus work plus all the home drama are all kicking my ass.

But my friend got through surgery okay so that’s a plus.

Sober is always a plus.

GhAWD I hope life eases up soon.

Tuesday, January 22, 2019

Day 971

Not a great day. Not even a little.

Missed a 7:20am meeting. Just flat out totally forgot. Then had to go on my least favorite site visit in a company car instead of my own. Front-wheel, not all-wheel, drive and out of windshield washer fluid. Not fun.

Silly me; I thought that would be the sum of Bad Day but no. Had to stay late at work then as soon as I got home the family drama decided to level up. Plus I have a friend in surgery half a planet away.

Because of all that I’m not sure when I last was _this_ very grateful to be sober. Five years ago I would have never imagined this place but now it has become a real foundation. I can’t imagine even trying to live through this crazy life with booze still on board. Just can’t. Thank you thank you thank you, Former Self who kept trying.

Monday, January 21, 2019

Day 970

And a nice night’s sleep helped lots, as it always does. Was able to get back on board with the family which was good. Today I’m going to bed only a little early but with a good book. Ate a little too much candy but only a little so I’m happy about that. Candy is another thing which seems to want friends.

Sunday, January 20, 2019

Day 969

Hadn’t -planned- to go to bed at 7:45 but that’s what I’m gonna do because I’m just feeling way too gut-punched after the last round of family phone calls. I love those people a lot but at this moment I’m not sure I want to see any of them again till spring. Which is a hoot and a holler as I was asked to go down there this coming weekend and by then I’ll be over it.

Not drinking though and not eating everything in the house either so that’s something. Knowing when to self soothe in other ways is another. Go me.

Saturday, January 19, 2019

Day 968

Puttered around the kitchen a lot today - made Belle’s sour cream coffeecake for breakfast and it was a hit, as always. Did it super-plain this time because Middle doesn’t like stuff in baked goods. Also, after all these years, learned about pressing tofu. Fascinating.

Sober people always remember to leave the butter out ahead of time and aren’t too hung over to usd it in the morning. Big plus. They also don’t mind being snowed in (as much, anyhow) because there’s no worry about “enough?...!!”  I can remember going out just as the snow was getting really serious and I -ought- to stay home just to make sure there was enough of -something-. Glad those days are gone. Tried for so long and thought it would never happen but it finally stuck. I’m glad I kept trying because sobriety turned out to be even better than I thought it might be.

Friday, January 18, 2019

Day 967

Got all my work done, got all the shopping done and getting slowly out of Car Hell. Middles car was finally ready today and I got information about trading in my (beloved but) old with a kajillion (okay 248K) miles Buick to lease Youngest something which will get her through the rest of undergrad.

Planning to be snowed in this weekend.

Thursday, January 17, 2019

Day 966

I can feel my brain start to un-twist finally. Long way to go but my goodness how much better it is than a week ago.

Day 965 and a half

Didn't post last night because I went to bed a little before nine and that was Just Grand.

Yesterday was the first day I woke up EASY since the weekend after US Thanksgiving. Going from three dogs down to one and not having the high maintenance spouse both mean that I can wake up at 6:04 and then just lie in bed for another ten minutes -- amazing.

Doesn't do a thing about work or the weather or the cars but having a good start to the day makes those things a bit easier to deal with.

Wherever you are, whatever you're doing remember that just you being YOU is enough.

Tuesday, January 15, 2019

Monday, January 14, 2019

Day 963

Good sleep and a much lower-key day. I’ll take it.

I’m still having delayed bits of stress reaction from the past couple-four weeks but already things are improving.

Sunday, January 13, 2019

Day 962

So tired. Wanted to write more but after driving home I still had grocery and laundry and a fair bit of cleaning. Tiring!  Sleep now and maybe more tomorrow. Sober is still awesome, of course. Could never be dealing with this life if not.

Saturday, January 12, 2019

Day 961

Drove Spouse and dogs back to other house. Trip okay but drama after we got there. Better now I think. Bedtime now.

Friday, January 11, 2019

Day 960

Bitterly cold on top of everything else today and “everything else” included serious work drama. It also included only 3.5 hours of sleep so I’m calling it a night.

Thursday, January 10, 2019

Day 959

I am really stressed, really tired and only barely keeping things together. The weather pickled up and that was one thing too many. Have started having small weeping spells throughout the day. No actual reason, just pressure relief, I think.

Fortunately one chunk will get better: I’ll be taking Spouse and two of the dogs back to the other house this weekend. I’ll miss him of course but I won’t miss the dog duty or the high-maintenance stuff.

It’s been a really hard couple months. But I’m doing the things and living the life and doing it sober.

Wednesday, January 9, 2019

Days 957 and 958

Relatively quiet days - home yesterday and back to work today - but I’m definitely having a delayed stress reaction to everything that has gone before as I’ve been weepy at odd times all day.

But I have a new good book so that’s something.


Monday, January 7, 2019

Sunday, January 6, 2019

Day 955

Better day. Brain back to normal. Did a lot of cooking.

Have tomorrow and Tuesday off. Happy about that.

Saturday, January 5, 2019

Still Day 954

My brain is definitely getting back to baseline and there was much rejoicing. I am supposed to take another mega-slug of Vit D on Monday...Not gonna happen.

Happy Twelfth Night if you count that way. Happy day before if not. If you are one of the many who gave up booze for the new year congratulations!! Day Four is the hardest of all the days, imho. Y’all got past that one and now the one-week mark is close enough to see. All the sober people will wake Up tomorrow morning feeling just as good as when they went to sleep — you will like it!

Days 952, 953 and 954

Wow it’s Saturday morning already and I’ve never gone this long without blogging. Sorry about that (and yes I’m apologizing to myself too): life finally added the One Thing Too Many: Health stuff.

Still sober, of course. But moody and tired.

Back in November of ‘16 I had that spontaneous fibula fracture and got worked up for parathyroid adenma — benign tumor which messes up bone density, calcium and Vitamin D levels. That workup was frustrating because parathyroid hormone and calcium were at very upper end of normal, Vit D was way low and bone density scan showed osteopenia which I shouldn’t have at exactly 50 but which isn’t entirely out of the question either and the parathyroid scan - where you get injected with an isotope which should make an adenoma “hot” (really brightly visible) was negative.

In my gut I knew I had a parathyroid adenoma but the only cure for that is surgery and I didn’t want neck surgery at all if I could help it. I -definitely- didn’t want it done by my local surgeons not because the two who do it are bad but because it’s a tricky, finicky surgery with all kinds of possible bad outcomes and out here in The Hinterlands we just don’t _do_ enough of them to stay truly good at it. So I was okay with the endocrinologist telling me she wasn’t sure if there was an adenoma or not and said I would be fine with watchful waiting. Then when the main local parathyroid surgeon called to tell me she thought there was a “cold” adenoma I said I didn’t want surgery, which was true.

Actually I -did- want surgery: at the Norman Parathyroid Center in Tampa, FL which is the acknowledged world expert as that is the only thing they do and they’ve been doing it a long time. But I also knew they were “out of network”  so our insurance would pay either “Tier 2” or “Tier 3” rates and Tier 3 is basically the same as no insurance at all...and their total package for “foreign patients and all others paying cash” was low five figures. So watchful waiting it was. Stall, basically.

Flash forward to now. Time to repeat bone scan and labs.  First lab test back is Vitamin D which is ridiculously low — less than half the low end of normal. I think “well crap” because I’m pretty sure that means the adenoma I might not even have is getting bigger or more active or both. You see lowering blood levels of Vitamin D is how the body protects itself from the high blood calcium levels caused by the parathyroid adenoma leaching the calcium out of bones. My endocrinologist would have probably jumped right in that interpretation too but she left early last year and although I have a transfer-Care visit scheduled with her replacement it isn’t till early March.

So that really low Vit D value went to my well-meaning but ditzy primary care doc who immediately prescribed a super high dose Vit D supplement. She did not realize I have been consuming at least one dairy product every day -and- taking a multivitamin/mineral supplement daily even though the latter was  in my chart. So she didn’t make the deductive leap of “WHY is the Vit D so low?” Yeah, well, I’m no better because even though most of me thought “wait, isn’t mega-D -bad- in the setting of parathyroid adenoma? Didn’t I read that two years ago?” there was a part of me so desperate -not- to be stuck making the “cheap local vs expensive destination” surgery decision that I thought “maybe it IS just low levels and even if it isn’t I still have to show I’m a good compliant patient” so I filled the thing and took the first 50,000 (the kind you buy in the store is 1000) IU capsule on Monday.

On Tuesday the bone scan results came back. Not. Good. In two years I lost 10% of my bone mass and moved from osteopenia to full-on osteoporosis. Well, that was enough for me - critically low Vit D plus mega bone loss equals go online and start the intake process at the Norman Center so I did. I also had an email discussion with our benefits office and have determined th operation would be covered at Tier 2 rates which moves us down from low five figures into mid-four. Better. Not great but better.

On Wednesday two things happened: I got my calcium and parathyroid hormone levels back and both are at the high end of normal. In the setting of trashed bone mass and critically low Vit D this is pretty good evidence that I have an adenoma but my body has been -really- good at compensating for it. Go me. However last time, when the bones and the D weren’t as bad, those high but still technically normal values were used as evidence that I did -not- have an adenoma...so I’m curious to see whether or not any of my providers get back to me further about the results and if so how they will interpret them. I’ve already decided to have the experts handle it so it doesn’t much matter either way. Anyhow the -other- thing that happened was that the mega-slug of Vit D started kicking in and by “kicking in” I mean “doing its job of increasing blood calcium levels.” More Vit D means more calcium...and high calcium makes you thirsty, nauseated, weak and crazy. I know I shouldn’t use the word “crazy” but “affects mood, affect andcognition” takes SO long to type.

Things are better now but from Wed PM to last night I really hated living inside my own head. I could TELL it wasn’t working right but couldn’t DO anything about it. Very frustrating and more than a little scary.

So that’s where we are with things.

Wednesday, January 2, 2019

Day 951

Not a great day.

Was on call for work and got called in at 5:20 this morning. Around 9:20 I got my bone scan results back and realized I would need parathyroid surgery after all. Around noon there was some family drama and there might be some work-screwed-up-the-recordkeeping drama in a few days/weeks.

Had ice cream for dinner. Haven’t done that in a while.

Life has been happening too hard and fast lately so I’m more grateful than usual for sobriety. Don’t know how I’d even begin to manage all this stuff if I were still drinking.

Totally forgot a treat for day 950 so I think I’ll take myself to lunch tomorrow.

Tuesday, January 1, 2019

Day 950 New Year 2019

A good day. First one in quite a while. Last night was the cooking sobtoday was the cleaning and it felt really good to get it all done.

Plus ABL came home today - he’s spent the better part of two months with his mother. He seems pretty happy to be back.

Easy day at work tomorrow- theoretically anyhow.

May the new year bring all the things you wanted plus a few things you didn’t even know you wanted till they arrived.


Days 949 and 950 - New Year's Eve and Day 2018


Happy New Year, everyone! 

Of course we all wish to better ourselves but please remember:
EVERY body is fancy.
EVERY body is fine.

You are lovable, worthy and valuable right now, just as you are.

Booze and all, if that happens to be the case. Value, worth and lovability are inherent inside all of us. Our birthright. Part of being human and alive. We forget that far too often, I think - especially me.

Gotta tellya though...dry New Year's Eve is a big ol' serving of cool with awesomesauce. I cooked: roasted vegetables (I still overdo the olive oil), Belle's Shortbread (what's more appropriate, no?) and Real Rice Krispies Treats with butter and non-gelatin marshmallows. (I choose not to eat gelatin but it makes Middle actually vomit so we don't eat the pre-made store-bought kind.)  Remembered right away why I hadn't made any since I was maybe 12 --- melting the marshmallows into the butter sucks and there's just no getting around it. I seem to recall that this was one time when margarine really _was_ better but I might be confabulating that.  I definitely remember a variation where one used green food coloring in the marshmallows, cornflakes instead of puffed rice and those little round cinnamon candies called Red Hots (which I hated.) Always wanted to make them but never did.

== interlude ==
Perhaps it's obvious; perhaps it's not: the puppy has finally grown up enough that I feel comfortable leaving my computer (which lives in the family room) plugged in again. I haven't had access to a Real Keyboard On FREE Time in a couple of months. My fingers are amazed.  Well...except for my right thumb - I woke up with that overuse base-of-thumb tendon-whatever pain that I ought to remember what is called but can't. And have yet to take an NSAID for it -- let me post this much and go do that before I distract myself -again-.

Happy 2019!!