Saturday, September 30, 2017

Day 498

Hey, nearly to 500! Pretty cool. Only now registered on my radar.

Very up and down day. All's well that ends well I guess. I tellya though it's getting harder and harder to be around seriously drunk people. I have plenty of compassion...just not much patience.

Friday, September 29, 2017

Day 497

Bed at 9 tonight. Sometimes the emotionally safest place to be is under the covers. Let the world turn without me tonight.


Thursday, September 28, 2017

Day 496

Bah. Long day with a fair number of difficulties.

Dropped Youngest off at home before returning to work for a 4-5pm meeting and found myself telling Spouse "I go to work at a job I kinda hate right now then when I get home I've got all this other stuff to do and now I'm doing all this eating right and walking because I don't want to have a heart attack...I feel like I'm doing everything right and got nothing to show for it." He hugged me and probably said something I don't remember.

Later in the night Youngest said "I heard you tell Dad..." and repeated my words back before saying "and it made me wonder if when I get to be fifty I'm going to feel that way."

That was reasonably stunning. Got no clue what to do about any of it.

Wednesday, September 27, 2017

Day 495

Today's self care was recognizing that I had to get Away From all the emotionally draining humans and go to bed at 9:30. Fortunately none of them gave me pushback. I write "fortunately" because it's still a little hard for me to just excuse myself from the family stuff. However it is way better than filling my bag of resentment up especially as I no longer cash in a full bag for a full bottle.




Tuesday, September 26, 2017

Day 494

Long day and I'm tired but it was a better day than yesterday for sure. Tomorrow is already better than either previous one because my big site-visit road trip got canceled.

I am way better than I used to be at taking care of myself and not pushing or martyr-ing myself but there's still room for progress: even though I was complaining about the heat before I crossed the threshold it took Spouse suggesting more than once that I should abandon cooking in favor of carry-out before I said yes. Silly.

Overall though, the whole stress/life balance is so much better than it used to be.



Monday, September 25, 2017

Day 493

So. Tired.

Many frustrating things today, not the least of which was the continued heat wave...but I got through all of them and am now finally in bed. Such a good feeling; bed when tired. And how nice to fall into the bed full of appreciation rather than vodka.

Sunday, September 24, 2017

Day 492

Long day.

The unseasonable heat wave had me irritated like a bug bite most of the day but once it cooled off I got better. Got a lot accomplished for the week food-wise, too. 

Tired, though. Started walking again and it's showing by the end of the day. 

Speaking of days, I'm kind of amazed at creeping up to 500. It's very cool. Everything - and I mean everything - is easier. Ya gotta stick with it though - I was telling someone working toward bigger chunks of sober time that the good stuff doesn't happen right away. After the first few days of "hey, I'm not hung over" wear off there's still the messed up sleep for a while and once that sort of fades the one-month mark is all "hey, I did a month, hooray!" But then there's this whole long haul where you don't feel particularly better physically and it's way easy to start thinking all those "maybe" thoughts so getting to 60 days requires more self-care and effort than one would think...and although I may be totally remembering it wrong, I think I felt the -really- good stuff didn't start being obvious till after 6 months and maybe more like 8. It is SOOoo worth it though. If you stick with it you become this whole better version of yourself.

Saturday, September 23, 2017

Day 491

Re-supply day.

When the 17 and 20 year olds run the house for a week they don't do much in the way of shopping. Therefore that was a huge chunk of my day. Got tired and frustrated at one point and almost had a breakdown in the dairy aisle of the first grocery but instead of loading up my bag of resentment I decided it was checkout time and had one of the newly-bought bananas on the way home as "too hungry" was part of the issue.

I was pretty pleased at how well I took care of myself -- it's a little thing but moving past that "power through it"/"gotta do All The Things" mindset is still a work in progress. Important work though because anger and resentment over the food shopping used to be a seriously big trigger for me.

Your mileage may vary, of course, but for so very long I used to push myself way too hard to get all the chores done on any given day and then use that to justify the drink I -deserved- because after all look at how hard I worked! Harder in the short term but healthier in the long run.

The trip is catching up with me; I'm so sleepy I've dozed off just while writing this much. Bedtime.

Friday, September 22, 2017

Day 490

Long drive home, short stop in office, carry-out for dinner.

Good to be home. Better to have Spouse here too. Best to not have alcohol dragging any of us down tonight.

Thursday, September 21, 2017

Day 489

Sixteen months. Huzzah!

Meet-up with my friend and her family went okay. Good to see her again. However the pix on my cellphone were depressing not because I'm fat but because from the nose down my face looks -exactly- like my mother's which is not a good thing. Between that and the indigestion from dinner I was a pretty unhappy cowpoke for a while but seem better now. My emotions get back to Center/baseline so much more quickly now.

I am so glad I started this journey and stuck with it.


Wednesday, September 20, 2017

Day 488

Good day although it's ending on a cranky note...but that's what bedtime is for.

Turns out I'll be spending a chunk of tomorrow late afternoon/early evening meeting up with a residency friend of mine and her family. Have mixed feelings about it but it's been several years and I have mixed feelings about everything so it will probably be wonderful.

I do not, however, consider it a sober treat. Will still have to think about what I want for that. Well, what I want which is actually possible, that is, because "drastic reduction in the level of daily family drama" isn't something over which I have any control. On the other hand, quitting drinking has led to a vast reduction in my level of daily inner drama which is probably overall helpful to the whole.

Sad tomorrow is my last vacation day but all things, good and bad, eventually end.

Tuesday, September 19, 2017

Day 487

Good day: major knitting, long walk, tasty food. Day after tomorrow is -sixteen- months. Very exciting but as of right now I have no plans. That might ought to change.

If you are a regular overdrinker who still keeps life together and wonders "does my family even notice or care about my drinking?" Trust me: they do. Very effing much.

Monday, September 18, 2017

Day 486

Better day.

Long walk with new audiobook was a good start and getting the car back from repairs meant I was all done with Actual Tasks and can now have another three days of -just- down-time with nothing hanging over my head.

Less drama within the family too. Always a good thing.

Thursday will be sixteen months. That's pretty cool.


Sunday, September 17, 2017

Day 485

If you ever once thought "but will they like who I am without the booze?"

Yes. Yes they will. Promise.

Saturday, September 16, 2017

Day 484

484 is a nice number. Good symmetry.

Glad I still have five whole vacation days after today because so far it's got significant room for improvement. Don't particularly want or need yet another learning experience about how best to deal with my own emotions in the face of others' actions, emotions and issues.

But at least it's different from what I -was- doing and the food is quite good. Plus I got at least a little knitting done today.

Hey maybe tomorrow morning is when it all turns around and becomes wonderful. Even if it isn't it will still be a sober morning and that makes everything easier to sort out.

Friday, September 15, 2017

Day 483

Much better day.

Got the one actual -task- for this vacation (car repair) underway and had a nice shopping trip with Eldest. All of the strange emotions from family last night seem to have resolved into something much more recognizably normal in the light of day.

My own emotions were quite up and down last night and this morning - never fun to deal with big change and even less so when it is largely substance driven. But things are looking better on all fronts.


Day 482 (and a fraction)

Still sober; it's just weird. Went to other house and family is, as my youngest would say, "all different-y."  More if/when I can.

Wednesday, September 13, 2017

Day 481

Today was proof that moods change without active intervention.

Woke up twenty minutes late with a bad case of the mean reds and everything went wrong on the way out the door. Was still all angry and tense (for no particular reason) most of the morning.

But then it just faded. By the time I was done with site visits and on my way to lunch I felt totally normal - without having done anything specific. Had a nice lunch at the mall and even found a new top just because I happened to walk by it and think "Ooh - pretty!"

So all those years when I saved up that anger so that I could "reward" myself with drinking in the evening were actually counterproductive. Fancy that.

Tuesday, September 12, 2017

Day 480

A good day. Dreaded having a contractor over to see about some home repairs - why I dreaded it I don't know but I did - and of course it went just as easily as the logical part of my brain knew it would. I don't know why I tend to always tend to dread/fear new interactions since I have a -huge- long list of things that turned out Just Fine but I still do it. Go figure.

So glad work calmed down. I never realize quite how stressed I get till after the pressure lifts.

Finished a really good book too; that was nice. You get so much -time- back in sobriety.

Monday, September 11, 2017

Day 479

The meeting went -way- better than I had feared. My treat was a new e-book which had been recommended by a friend and it is turning out to be quite enjoyable.

Took a walk today just to be outside in the unexpectedly warm pretty day - that was nice.

Not this Thursday but next will be -sixteen- months. That feels good. So does bed.

Sunday, September 10, 2017

Day 478

The days keep piling up one by one and I keep blogging to make sure they do. Every once in a while I get a passing "oh just one might be okay" popping out of nowhere and I have to remind myself that it never IS just one though because one always wants friends. Or else -enforcing- just one becomes -the- centerpiece of life and who needs that? Fortunately I had the occasion over this weekend to interact with some drunk people and it was a very good reminder why I like myself better sober.

Also sober Sunday mornings are -always- pleasant reinforcement - I slept in till 8 and still got the grocery shopping done in a timely fashion.

Tomorrow is a meeting I have been dreading for a week or more: I will be glad when it is over. I need to think up a treat for myself tomorrow evening. Don't know what...maybe inspiration will strike.


Saturday, September 9, 2017

Day 477

Got a lot done today. Paced myself so it didn't become overwhelming.

Baked a Mrs Smith's pie for breakfast - when one is sober one remembers to buy both pie and ice cream on Friday evening and gets up early enough with enough capacity for the baking and isn't too sick to enjoy still-warm pie a la mode for Saturday breakfast.

One's family likes that too.


Friday, September 8, 2017

Day 476

Long day.

Started when one of the affiliates called me at six am with an important question - I wasn't on call or backup call or anything but I took the call anyhow since it was better to solve the issue in the moment.

Decided to just be up for the day at that point and I wasn't even upset. Being calm about something like that is definitely a sobriety thing: in earlier times I would have been angry all day.

The problem did, however, get bigger as the morning developed. Life is like that.

Got pizza for dinner though and spent time in my online game but it's early to bed because I'm tired. The fact that it is Friday is secondary to what my body is telling me and -that- is a gift of sobriety too.

Thursday, September 7, 2017

Wednesday, September 6, 2017

Day 474

A really good day. Haven't had one of those in a while.

Sure didn't think it would be that way this morning: woke up an hour early with a bad sort-of-sinus-y headache. Given that I'm a non-drinker that combination was particularly annoying! Aleve to the rescue.

Good because the meeting I didn't want to host got canceled, the case about which I was worried arrived,I got a monitor for Youngest and - best of all - I put a deposit on the new knitting cruise with my favorite knitting guru. It's a year from now (Sept 2-9, 2018) but I'm already excited.

Plus did a very easy dinner and my laundry and some good gaming time.

All while being fully alert and enjoying myself. Sober rules.

Tuesday, September 5, 2017

Day 473

Work finally calmed down.

Enough so that I could walk to the drugstore midday - first walk in a really long time and it was nice.

No new drama at either office or home.

Hoping this is a trend :)

Monday, September 4, 2017

Day 472

Driving day.

Kept everything very low key and got all the essential stuff done. Youngest goes back to school tomorrow. Theoretically work should ease up also - you notice I say"theoretically." :)

Early to bed though - to not have done much except drive today I'm exhausted.

Sunday, September 3, 2017

Day 471

Quiet day; good day. 

One of the nice things about sober vacation is that you get -all- the vacation time: nothing is lost to the fuzzy edges or the dizzy mornings. It might not be mindfulness but it's definitely being -present- and it rocks. 

Saturday, September 2, 2017

Day 470

The days keep piling up and it's a nice feeling.

Had a good shopping trip with Eldest today. We both really enjoyed ourselves.

Also had some waves of major moodiness. Not sure what that's about but it started this past Thursday. I'm just riding them out.


Friday, September 1, 2017

Day 469

Well actually I could call it very early 470 since it's freaking two in the freaking morning. Last time I stayed up this late was...last time I came down to this house, come to think of it. But it's all good.

Another nice thing about sobriety - when you DO stay up super late you _remember_ everything about it.

But now I really do have to work on unwinding and actually sleeping...can't let my schedule get -too- messed up.