Wednesday, May 22, 2019

Three Years Plus One Day


Yesterday was totally not exciting...and that was just fine.

I did exactly what I had told Spouse and Youngest I planned to do: come home, mop the family room floor, eat something, take a shower and do my laundry.  After that I went to bed early.

I did, however, get my new Injinji toe-socks last night and I'm wearing a pair today and both pairs will definitely end up being my "three year sober socks" so that's nice.

What's gone is a lot of heartache: did I get enough chores done before I started drinking, can I have that last drink and still remember to move my laundry over, I need extra because I'm resentful about the floor...you know how it goes.  Getting rid of alcohol doesn't change any of the rest of life but it makes the rest of life so much easier to manage...and that's huge.

It does mean that you have to feel all your feelings, which even now after three years sometimes sucks but you get a lot better at figuring out what to do with feelings once they show up and that's a pretty cool thing. I have grown so much more as a person.

As I have told my kids...it took quite a few months for the really good stuff to start kicking in - a lot longer than I thought it would, actually - but now that I'm here I wish I'd done it a whole lot sooner. Like -years- sooner.  But it's never too late to start.

Tuesday, May 21, 2019

Hey This Is It: Three Years

I don’t have a thing planned for today but I’ve been up about twenty minutes and just realized so I thought I’d share.

Life has been coming at me hard but being sober is a huge solid foundation on which to build.

Eventually things will slow down and I’ll write a catch-up post but I don’t think today is that day.

Remember: it really is worth it. Totally.

Monday, May 13, 2019

Day Three Years Is Only Eight Days Away



And boy has it been a busy three years or what? I'm starting to catch my breath, finally, I  think. This will be a big long Update Post and then maybe I'll move back into more Thoughts&Feelings Posts...we shall see.  It's all an adventure, y'know? 

Two weeks ago I finally FINALLY stopped having low calcium symptoms entirely and fell into a convenient two-in-the-morning/two-at-night Citrical routine which seems to have worked because last week I got my two-month-post-op labs a full ten days early and they were fine -- parathyroid hormone, calcium and ionized calcium all squarely in the middle of the bell curve.  So that's done.  Just in time for me to see my sweet but ditzy FP in follow-up this Thursday. The scar itself is nothing - just a short curvy maroon line across the center of my neck and the maroon part is fading with time. 

As for emotions...I've decided I must be just as strong as everyone has been telling me through the years because I have been through a LOT and still seem to be doing okay. The nature of my job means that I'm sitting alone in my office most of the day so I have time for self-reflection and I think I'm getting back to a reasonable baseline. Having everything "set for now" is a good feeling too: Spouse and I go to Big Medical Center (3.5 hours west of us)  the first week of June for two back-to-back days of appointments with "the team" on Tuesday June 4 and Wednesday June 5 -- I'm taking the whole week as FMLA so we have time afterwards to get situated. Then Tuesday June 18 at 1 pm he has an appointment with his new primary care physician so that loop is closed. 

Youngest Duckling is working her same summer job as last year and started yesterday -- that's good too. She's going to see her boyfriend in Minneapolis (for the second time ever - they met through an online gaming guild months ago) the weekend of June 14/15/16 --- well actually she's flying out the night of Thursday the 13 because he can't get any part of Thursday off but is taking the Friday. They're hoping to do more stuff in/around Minneapolis since the weather will be better this time.  She's considering switching majors from Biology to Medical Technology so she can join the shortage profession of lab techs because it means she could be highly employable anywhere in the country.  However our local college, to which she is commuting from home, doesn't offer that degree so she may end up switching schools at the end of next year....big question is whether she switches to a school in/around Minneapolis or whether there is a school with a lab-tech degree close enough to here that she could still commute. That's all stuff to consider over the summer though, no particular rush.  Spouse commented yesterday that the Mary Tyler Moore theme song really _does_ fit her and seems okay with her having these big adventures, which does my heart good as he was so very protective of Eldest Duckling but again....they are completely different kids. 

Meanwhile Eldest Duckling is really loving her cashier's job at the local deli and that's giving her a lot of self-esteem and sense of purpose.  She has finally mastered the lottery machine!  I can hear the personality disorder creeping in at the edges of her voice now and then but she's staying sober and staying busy and both of those, along with Cymbalta, seem to be keeping her sane enough to stop going to any -new- healthcare appointments and start paying off the bills for the ones she already racked up. She and her husband dyed their hair coordinating shades of totally not-natural red over the weekend and although I'm totally fine with them doing it because everyone should wear their hair however they like, full stop, I think it's not a wise move because SiL is in the middle of several job interviews for stuff better than his current position as cashier at the local liquor store (yeah, I know, right?) and a shock of bright-red hair isn't going to be a deal-killer but if he's standing next to another equally qualified applicant I suspect the one with normal hair color will have a slight edge.  I'm just grateful Eldest waited till AFTER she went on campus to set back up for fall classes. In any case they look like the opening scene of the newest X-Men movie or something along those lines.

Middle Duckling graduated and is planning to move to NJ this coming Saturday. I find myself feeling quietly gut-punched about that and am trying really hard just to carry on as if nothing is wrong for two reasons. First, I -want- him to go to NJ because there are way better job opportunities there. If he doesn't want to work for the local healthcare system, probably in the IT or phone departments, then there really isn't much for him in this whole area but down there he's got all of Philadelphia at his disposal.  Also, secondly, I did NOT feel this way when Eldest got ready to move and moved out and I feel -terrible- as a parent for the difference. I realize one has separate relationships with each kid and Middle's relationship with me was never as full of conflict as Eldest's and mine but still, it feels really awkward to be already mourning the loss of my son when I was all for getting my oldest daughter out the door sooner rather than later. 

In any case, I took him to Mens Wearhouse yesterday and got him totally tricked out for business wear thanks to a very generous BOGO offer.  We had planned to buy one suit, two shirts two ties, shoes and belt...ended up with two suits, four shirts, four ties, two pairs pants and two belts. I figured he'd go with basic black but he chose a royal blue Tommy Hilfiger and a lighter-end-of-charcoal gray Calvin Klein.  Looked sharp, too, just like the ZZ Top song. FYI he's a 38 short, off the rack, with a 16" dress shirt, both slim cut, and size 9 good dress shoes (he's usually a 10.)  So that was all good. 

So as mentioned, this coming Saturday my son will load up his car and drive to the NJ house to stay...but Spouse and I are also going down in my car so that _Spouse_ can stay a week as well. I think I may have mentioned this in passing earlier and if so I definitely mentioned how much, at the time we first started floating the idea, I was dead-set against it ...but as I may have predicted at the time, I softened. Spouse's health has improved enough that I'm not so scared to let him out of my sight/influence any more and it -does- make sense for him to be there not just to smooth the sibling transition but also to appropriately "wrap up" his stuff in the NJ house.  He was still SO sick when we left to come "home" that he didn't do a lot of household electronics maintenance he wanted to do.  So I'm okay with the visit since after this one-week visit he doesn't plan to be back down to NJ till after whatever happens via transplant has happened. I'll go down on Memorial Day weekend to fetch him and his two dogs back up. 

As for Spouse and his own health, the Lasix -finally- got off the extra fluid from the hospital so he is much much more comfortable and although he's still got the bad lower-extremity edema he had before the admission, all the other edema has resolved and doesn't seem to be re-accumulating.  His energy level improves with each passing day and I know it to be true because he's going up and down the stairs to get his own meals more and more. He's frankly been pushing himself a bit hard but I can't complain since I know I'd be doing the same thing in his situation....and I didn't even grow up with a mother who saw every illness in a child as just one big overwhelming inconvenience and treated them accordingly.  

Speaking of my MiL....she has had some sort of life-changing experience as far as her son is concerned which is the nicest way to spin "gee, she doesn't hate me any more and it's WEIRD" which is pretty much the stunned reaction of Spouse and the rest of the family. She's _genuinely_ nice to him and after thirty years of something that was Very Much Not That it's really strange.  I mean it's a -good- strange, mind you, but still odd. We stopped by her apartment on Saturday and the excitement/happiness vibes radiating off her at having him in her recliner chair were as visible as if we were all in a cartoon strip. Odd.

"Cartoon strip" leads into my own fun/relaxation and not to worry I'm making sure I get plenty of that. I don't think I mentioned it here before but I have been doing a weekly podcast  with some online friends of mine about the Survivor television show. It's silly but has been a bright note of "a NEW kind of fun" throughout this whole recent ordeal.  We always record at 9:30 on Sunday night and  the penultimate show was last night in fact - the two hour Survivor season finale is this Wednesday at 8pm.  I've also got books which I sneak-read on my iPhone Kindle app all the time.  I have several knitting projects but my creative energy is all going toward family and self healing right now so I haven't knit a stitch since the immediate post-hospital recovery time in New Jersey and that was mostly just to prove to myself that I still could.  It will eventually come back though. Also I am carrying around a brochure in my bag for  a work-related conference 10/23-26 in Las Vegas and have already scheduled the time off. I may not GO of course but I started telling Spouse this time LAST year that I wanted to see Las Vegas before it  became a barren wasteland due to climate change (that last is hyperbole but still) and that of course I wanted to do it the two of us but if I got a chance to go by myself I would and this may be that chance depending on how he feels about/is capable of flying in October.  We shall see.  Mostly I just like carrying around the brochure. 

I read The Great Gatsby for book club and feel rather accomplished for having done it since that's one of "the classics" LOTS of people have read or seen as a movie. 

Mostly, I've been increasingly aware of the Seventies catch-phrase "Life is what happens when you're making other plans."   So very true.

It's been hard but there's so much hope...and I remain so thankful and grateful to have what I do right at this moment. Even if it all goes kerblooey in some way tomorrow it's just so much better than it could have been.

And I think it would have been nigh impossible if I had not been sober.  That's the foundation on which everything else has been built.  Sturdy.  Like rock. 

Friday, May 10, 2019

Day [(3 years) - (11 days)] Friday

Things are settling down a bit - Spouse seems to truly be back to baseline, I have all Spouse's appointments set up, I have my own labwork back and it's fine (so I'm cured, huzzah) and the kids are settled for the time being.  Now that the stress and adrenaline and excitement have started to fade I'm noticing that I'm tired. Fancy that!

Anyhow, I'm reading The Great Gatsby for book club and I don't think I'm gonna make it very far since book club is in fifteen minutes and I'm not even halfway done but I had to share this great line:

They moved with a fast crowd, all of them young and rich and wild, but she [Daisy] came out with an absolutely perfect reputation. Perhaps because she doesn't drink. It's a great advantage not to drink among hard drinking people. You can hold your tongue and, moreover, you can time any little irregularity of your own so that everybody else is so blind that they don't see or care. 

Brilliant, no?  And that was in 1922!

Happy Sober Friday, all! 

Thursday, May 9, 2019

Day [(three years) - (12 days)] = A Thursday

The diuretic is finally pulling all the fluid off Spouse so he is becoming mobile again and he’s doing even better than before he went into the hospital. This gives me such gratitude and hope.

But that’s not why I’m posting. I’m posting today to share two great things about long term sobriety: never having to worry about driving and being able to tolerate sleep changes. Exemplars:

Last night around 8:15 we realized “oh hell we are completely OUT of dog treats.”  In a house with three beagles this is a situation which simply can’t last. Spouse still isn’t well enough to drive and it was the last day of finals so Middle and Youngest has shared a six-pack...but hey, no problem for ME to say “as soon as my show is over I’ll go out” then do exactly that. At 9 pm. Felt really good walking to the car, too.

This morning in the wee small hour of just past four, one of the dogs wanted to go out. In retrospect this isn’t surprising because I fell asleep hard around 10:30 so didn’t walk them at 11 like I usually do. So I walked them and went back to bed, no big deal. Back in my drinking days that would have been a HUGE calamity. I can just imagine the mental chatter “I was up puking at two and trying to drink water at three and now I gotta deal with dogs at four how COULD they?!?” and on and on and of course it would “ruin” the whole day and be part of that night’s reason for fresh alcohol....sigh.

This way is SO much better. Easier. SO much _easier_. And happier. The joy didn’t really start being super-apparent and feeding on itself till around the 8 or 9 month mark which was a lot longer than I expected but it -does- happen so keep coming back.

Sunday, May 5, 2019

Sixteen Days Till 3 Years

Yes I finally did the math. May 21 is the day. It’s a Tuesday.

Have lovely comments I will answer later but had to share that even nearly 3 years along this journey it is -still- totally satisfying to wake up ready to roll first thing Sunday morning. It just is.

Peace out

Saturday, May 4, 2019

Day Approaching 3 Years



Went back to work “for real” yesterday and it seemed like such a big step toward normal. Was annoyed by the same work stuff which annoyed me before - not to the same degree, though, so I guess the time away helped. Mid morning I was -really- happy in a unique way...the parts of my brain I use for pathology stuff (all nonverbal of course) has clearly missed having something to do. I wish I could have held onto that feeling all day but that’s okay. 

So here is the wrap-up version of what happened to Spouse:

Back in 2012  Spouse got acutely sick in a way I was scared might have been lymphoma: turned gray, dropped 20 lb in a couple weeks, fevers, night sweats. Workup at Prime Care then liver biopsy gave us a surprise diagnosis of cirrhosis with amazing numbers of neutrophils but at the time he had totally great numbers - MELD zero. May have had concurrent hepatitis A or –something- else because he was so acutely ill.  Anyhow, he had a background of significant childhood medical trauma (burns as a toddler, abdominal thing as preschooler, ER visits, dental traumas)  and found the workup so awful and painful that after diagnosis he said fine, will totally quit drinking but am not going back to any doctors. Which is what he did. (Well, except it was a bumpy road to sobriety as we all know.)

That worked fine for 5-6 years. Totally healthy. Two and a half years ago our oldest child moved into our NJ house to commute to law school from there and he moved in with her to provide support. (She found law school very stressful - as y'all have read more recently.) 

About a year ago he started turning yellow. He was afraid to get help because of fear that there was no help to be had: go home and get ready to die.  Couldn’t get a sustained dialogue going, plus our daughter was in school-related crisis in NJ so lots of distraction. About 6 months ago started getting bad peripheral edema. Still with fear, denial, avoidance. 

Got fever of 101+ on Saturday 4/13. Admitted to local hospital through ER - Lizzy (oldest child) stayed with him. Stayed out of actual ICU but was in the next level down with sepsis due to spontaneous bacterial peritonitis.(I drove down before sunup on Sunday 4/14.) Responded to IV antibiotics, normal saline and blood pressure support (low sodium, low platelets, systolic BP in 70s at admission) including IV albumin and weathered brief kidney crisis thought to be due to IV contrast on top of sepsis. I will forever and always be thankful and grateful to all the humans and powers that be, both seen and unseen, known and unknown, which helped him live instead of die.  Always.

Anyhow he had an amazing bounceback. No/minimal ammonia level; minimal ascites not worth tapping. Upper endoscopy showed small varices described as “not worrisome.” Discharged to NJ home Thursday 4/18. We stayed there getting him through the oral antibiotic and just generally getting his strength back – that was also pretty amazing.  As I helped him up the stairs of that house to the bedroom my joy at “we got OUT of the hospital!” was tempered by “even though I’m getting him up these stairs he may never come down them again.”  Well, not 48 hours later he managed to get down those stairs to the kitchen to feed his dog himself – had to take a two-hour nap afterwards before getting back UP the stairs and didn’t do it again that week but still.  Just wonderful.

We are now hooked into the local Transplant program and had the initial nurse phone call. Unless his discharge summary shows numbers requiring an earlier consult, we will be going to Rochester either the first or second week of June for the two-day initial get-into-the-transplant-program visit. (Picked those weeks because no worries about covering the service.) Two of our children are of compatible blood type to be Partial Living Donors and are very keen to try so the future is looking far more hopeful than it did a few weeks ago. 

Right now it’s back to work, business as usual, with him at home.  Even if it all goes kerblooey tomorrow I am so grateful to have made it this far. 

And now he's healthy enough that it's becoming tougher for both of us to hold onto our gratitude. Especially in light of having the three dogs under one roof. The combination of being back to work AND nursing him is a lot.  Everything was Pretty Much Do-Able...till on Thursday there was no denying I had a head cold. I'm almost over it now but still...that was one thing too many on an already full plate

I'm doing okay though...and "okay" is totally enough.