Another hard one. Power restored last night but had no land line telephone for a while, many power flickers and still no cable or internet -- I'm using data plan on phone to check in so my blogfriends won't worry.
Refrigerator is sick, possibly dying - shits off every so often for no particular reason. Gotta call repair people tomorrow.
Much tension in family.
Today the only thing keeping me from saying "fuck this shit" and getting good and sloshed was the sure knowledge "but it won't help. I'll still have all the other problems plus guilt, a hangover and a new Day One. No point."
Of course then I fumed because I had NO coping mechanism/crutch. But I knew I had felt that way before - and even blogged about it - so even though I hated it and thought at the time it would never pass I also knew remotely it -would- eventually pass. And it did. Sulked myself to sleep for an afternoon nap like a cranky toddler but was better after.
We watched The Godfather 2 tonight - I had never seen it before. Good movie generally but I also noticed that Michael Corleone - the Don - doesn't drink.
Maybe the week will be better than the weekend was.
Sunday, August 14, 2016
Saturday, August 13, 2016
Day 85
Power out, phone nearly dead, hot and humid like crazy.
It totally sucks but I'm staying sober.
It totally sucks but I'm staying sober.
Friday, August 12, 2016
Day 84: 12 Weeks
Unexpectedly busy day at work.
Got drenched by rain twice.
Spouse and Eldest home from the other house.
Surprisingly tolerant of family drinking - hope that lasts.
Cold trying to resurface - hope that doesn't last.
No cravings at all even when I was in the liquor store. Definitely hope that lasts.
For today anyhow it really was "that's just something I don't do."
Tomorrow who knows but tonight was good for sure.
Got drenched by rain twice.
Spouse and Eldest home from the other house.
Surprisingly tolerant of family drinking - hope that lasts.
Cold trying to resurface - hope that doesn't last.
No cravings at all even when I was in the liquor store. Definitely hope that lasts.
For today anyhow it really was "that's just something I don't do."
Tomorrow who knows but tonight was good for sure.
Thursday, August 11, 2016
Day 83
Good but tiring day.
Did the employee evaluation and it went fine - far better than o had worried it would. Of course she could come back in tomorrow all pissed off about it but I got the hard part done. Had cafeteria frozen yogurt to celebrate.
Then walked from my work to the high school and back with Youngest to pick up forms...nice company and good exercise but miserable weather as it was 88 F with 60% humidity and no breeze.
Then a weird thing happened: when I got back to work I was delighted when a downgoing lobby elevator opened in front of me. Large Local Couple pushed their way in first. Other Local Group saw the on-wall requesting-down button go out and observed the brightly lit down arrow in the elevator car so they asked "going down?" The couple said "no, up." Membets of the group showed confusion but shuffled off without getting on. I entered car, noticed button for 2nd floor lit, pressed button for the basement and said "I think it will go down before it goes up, see?" _while_pointing_to_ the lit-up 8" tall down-pointing arrowhead I side the elevator car. Elevator descended. While exiting I heard female half of couple say to male "that pushy bitch stole our elevator!"
Sigh. I live in a rural enough place that people are frequently confused by the whole elevator concept - that wasn't the first time this week I used the "I think it will go down first" line - but the attribution of malice is a new twist.
Did the employee evaluation and it went fine - far better than o had worried it would. Of course she could come back in tomorrow all pissed off about it but I got the hard part done. Had cafeteria frozen yogurt to celebrate.
Then walked from my work to the high school and back with Youngest to pick up forms...nice company and good exercise but miserable weather as it was 88 F with 60% humidity and no breeze.
Then a weird thing happened: when I got back to work I was delighted when a downgoing lobby elevator opened in front of me. Large Local Couple pushed their way in first. Other Local Group saw the on-wall requesting-down button go out and observed the brightly lit down arrow in the elevator car so they asked "going down?" The couple said "no, up." Membets of the group showed confusion but shuffled off without getting on. I entered car, noticed button for 2nd floor lit, pressed button for the basement and said "I think it will go down before it goes up, see?" _while_pointing_to_ the lit-up 8" tall down-pointing arrowhead I side the elevator car. Elevator descended. While exiting I heard female half of couple say to male "that pushy bitch stole our elevator!"
Sigh. I live in a rural enough place that people are frequently confused by the whole elevator concept - that wasn't the first time this week I used the "I think it will go down first" line - but the attribution of malice is a new twist.
Wednesday, August 10, 2016
Day 82
First day I feel more or less decent and now the muse has vanished. Life is like that.
I think a big part of it is that I have to give an annual evaluation to a difficult person at work in the upcoming days so my whole verbal-language skill set is pointed there in my head. Diplomacy and business-speak don't come easily to me and there's s huge fear-of-the-Unknown (the individual's response) component. I know I always-always-always make things out in my head ahead of time to be scarier/more intimidating/way worse than they ever turn out to be in real life...but knowing I do that doesn't equal not doing it.
I am, however, glad to be having the mental fussing from a sober state rather than from the spike-y jaggedy emotional and physical state of regular heavy drinking.
I think a big part of it is that I have to give an annual evaluation to a difficult person at work in the upcoming days so my whole verbal-language skill set is pointed there in my head. Diplomacy and business-speak don't come easily to me and there's s huge fear-of-the-Unknown (the individual's response) component. I know I always-always-always make things out in my head ahead of time to be scarier/more intimidating/way worse than they ever turn out to be in real life...but knowing I do that doesn't equal not doing it.
I am, however, glad to be having the mental fussing from a sober state rather than from the spike-y jaggedy emotional and physical state of regular heavy drinking.
Tuesday, August 9, 2016
Day 81
Another early to bed night. Feeling overall better but the thing has settled in my chest so I'm wheezy and really tired. Dozed-off-after-dinner tired and I never do that.
My mother would, of course, be pushing strong hot toddies with Christian Brothers brandy right now and would have made a special trip to get it. Even back when I was a tween. She used to like to get me liquored up. We'll put a pin in it as I'm definitely not up to the task of unpacking all of that tonight but I probably ought to look at that piece of past one of these days.
I prefer a Ventolin inhaler.
[kicks no-generic-albuterol soapbox firmly under sofa.]
The cause of death when she died unexpectedly in 2013 was gastrointestinal bleeding due to or as a result of chronic alcohol abuse. Pin that too.
Gee, whip a little chest tightness on me and I'm leaping down memory lane right back to my asthmatic childhood. Guess that would be the "body memory" I wasn't even sure was a thing.
I know it's my blog and all but I hadn't meant to be such a Debbie Downer as Day freaking 81 is pretty groovy. Nine times nine. Three to the fourth power. An old human. A good number no matter how you look at it....unless there's a culture out there in which 81 has some horrific connotation or implication and I'm gonna get half a dozen comments about my cross-cultural insensitivity...can you tell I'm a little wired from the inhaler?!?
I'm happy to be piling up days. It feels good and right overall even if it isn't always pleasant in the moment. Shit, I should really start thinking what my 90-day treat will be, shouldn't I?
My mother would, of course, be pushing strong hot toddies with Christian Brothers brandy right now and would have made a special trip to get it. Even back when I was a tween. She used to like to get me liquored up. We'll put a pin in it as I'm definitely not up to the task of unpacking all of that tonight but I probably ought to look at that piece of past one of these days.
I prefer a Ventolin inhaler.
[kicks no-generic-albuterol soapbox firmly under sofa.]
The cause of death when she died unexpectedly in 2013 was gastrointestinal bleeding due to or as a result of chronic alcohol abuse. Pin that too.
Gee, whip a little chest tightness on me and I'm leaping down memory lane right back to my asthmatic childhood. Guess that would be the "body memory" I wasn't even sure was a thing.
I know it's my blog and all but I hadn't meant to be such a Debbie Downer as Day freaking 81 is pretty groovy. Nine times nine. Three to the fourth power. An old human. A good number no matter how you look at it....unless there's a culture out there in which 81 has some horrific connotation or implication and I'm gonna get half a dozen comments about my cross-cultural insensitivity...can you tell I'm a little wired from the inhaler?!?
I'm happy to be piling up days. It feels good and right overall even if it isn't always pleasant in the moment. Shit, I should really start thinking what my 90-day treat will be, shouldn't I?
Monday, August 8, 2016
Day 80
Still a little sick but only a little - mostly better.
Really pleased and happy to be at eighty days but don't have a single profound thing to say about it. Am in bed a full hour early after taking naproxen and diphenhydramine, actually.
Though I -do- keep hearing Whoopi Goldberg in my head doing the opening to her "Fontaine: Why Am I Straight?" show, which amuses me on multiple levels. If I were still at my computer I'd paste in a nice link but I'm doing this flat on my back in bed with my phone so I will leave it as an exercise for the readers.
Speaking of phone...we didn't get the transporters or the replicators or the faster-than-light travel from Star Trek. We did, however, get not just communicators but tricorders. That's pretty cool.
Sober is pretty cool too. Carrie Fisher, John Larroquette, Stephen King, Sherman Alexie, Elton John, Daniel Radcliffe, Al Pacino, Anne Rice and her son Christopher Rice, Clapton, the late great Bowie...all the cool kids are doing it.
Really pleased and happy to be at eighty days but don't have a single profound thing to say about it. Am in bed a full hour early after taking naproxen and diphenhydramine, actually.
Though I -do- keep hearing Whoopi Goldberg in my head doing the opening to her "Fontaine: Why Am I Straight?" show, which amuses me on multiple levels. If I were still at my computer I'd paste in a nice link but I'm doing this flat on my back in bed with my phone so I will leave it as an exercise for the readers.
Speaking of phone...we didn't get the transporters or the replicators or the faster-than-light travel from Star Trek. We did, however, get not just communicators but tricorders. That's pretty cool.
Sober is pretty cool too. Carrie Fisher, John Larroquette, Stephen King, Sherman Alexie, Elton John, Daniel Radcliffe, Al Pacino, Anne Rice and her son Christopher Rice, Clapton, the late great Bowie...all the cool kids are doing it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)