Day 444

Hard day.

Youngest didn't pass the driving test. We both took it badly in part because it seemed very arbitrary: examiner running way late, the reasons given were kinda vague and also stunningly similar to the ones given to the driver ahead of us (also failed) but two aborted tests meant he went from being a full half-hour behind to only 8 minutes behind schedule.

Then there was the whole retest scheduling fiasco. One exam site per county in our area meant that the next available exam was next week but in the city with the nearest airport and would mean driving completely across that city to get to an exam site in a part of town down by the river with many auto body shops. This would require leaving the house every bit of 2.5 hours early to allow for rush hour traffic and me driving places I'd never been before. Plus she scheduled that exam without so much as asking me first. I agreed and started altering my work schedule for that week but asked her to at least -check- the available test times at a place only one hour away and in so doing she lost the next-week spot and ALL sites only had dates in late September who knows why?

Anyhow she was very mad at me but she now has a test at our local ten-minutes-from-home site...on Sept 25.  Sigh.

Plus dogs acting up plus ABL acting up plus Middle sullen and Eldest anxious...all with a heaping helping of menopause hormones. Oh and MiL was in the mix too.

Fun day.

But I survived as did everyone else and now I'm in bed and so is the dog. Tomorrow I can catch up at work and it's restaurant night so that's all good.

Sober is all good too.

Day 443

I swear I might eventually suck less at it but I will never get used to this whole family dynamics thing. I grew up as the latchkey only child -of- an only child mother and a father who was estranged from his family so before their divorce it was just the three of us and after the divorce it was me, my crazy mother and her wacky parents. Period. Even for holidays.

Having so many people in the house is hard enough; how dare they have issues and agendas at odds with one another?!? I jest...mostly. I get that this is just how things are and can even intellectually realize that it's probably okay but I absolutely don't get it on any kind of emotional level. I have No. Freaking. Clue about anything sibling-related and not many clues about being long-term married as my parents were married in '63 and divorced in '75.

So it was a physically easy but emotionally hard day. Didn't get the laundry done that I wanted and to top it off I realized at 5pm that the drive-thru worker at 10am had never returned my credit card and when I went back the card was not in restaurant safe or any of the other places the (different of course) employee looked. So I had to call it in.

Maybe the week will be better. I sure hope so. Despite the driving test of Youngest tomorrow and an all day conference on Thursday.

Oh but I learned of a new game to play with the word-suggestion feature of smartphones. Type "my head is" then pick the center word till a complete sentence is done.  Like this: my head is so too cold for the first day of work. "My butt" also works: my butt is the best of the younger grandmothers.

But now sleep. It's an hour past the time I usually start going to sleep and I feel pretty wired still. Sigh.

Day 442

An okay day.

Actually expressed some follow up emotions about yesterday evening and although it could have gone better it definitely could have gone far worse so that's all good

Got some good computer gaming time in too which made up for not getting much at all last night.

Best of all I'm showered and soon to be in bed. Good sleep makes every night better.

Day 441

Tonight I was far nicer on the outside than I felt on the inside. Glad to be - finally - in bed and hoping that since I -can- sleep late I -will- sleep late.

So grateful to be sober: it helps make difficult situations easier. That is completely 100 percent opposite what I would have thought and said three years ago but it's true. Not only am I not having my emotions chemically fanned in the moment but also a generally more even emotional landscape makes it easier to deal with whatever lands. Also not having to worry about "is that what really happened? Am I remembering correctly?" is huge.

Even if I don't sleep in a bit I will wake up feeling no worse than I do right now and probably better. Plus I will remember having gone to bed. These are all quietly powerful and good things.

Day 440

Uneventful day. Apart from the 440-day mark that is but you blogfriends and I are the only ones who know about that...didn't mention it to the family. Didn't do anything special in honor of it either but that doesn't make it any less real.

Go Team Sober. It's a great way to be.

Day 439

Early bedtime for me.

Family all under one roof for the first time in Just Ages and although I'm totally glad it is happening as a concept the Actual Interactions were just getting too stressful.

I should stop right here and be proud of myself  for doing what I needed. I wasn't pissy or martyred or anything like that; just quietly excused myself rather than sitting there for the sake of being part of the group. Especially because everyone else was drinking. Usually that doesn't bother me a bit but tonight there was too much "aw do you -have- to do that" in my head and I don't want to be judgemental any more than anyone wants to be judged. They can have their fun their way but tonight it's better for me not to play along.

So I'm in bed marveling at how tomorrow will be 440 days. Pretty impressive. The emotional growth is slow like a tree but very worth it.

Day 438

Things have slowed down at work finally and that's a help.

Home still up and down but also not as stressful which is an even bigger help.

Feeling better physically too...still not sure what the hell was wrong yesterday but I'm glad it's over, whatever it was.

So grateful I managed to kick alcohol out of my life: the relationship had gone really bad and I'm so much better off without it.