Day 543

Healthier. Not so much in the morning but now that it’s bedtime I seem to be back to baseline — which makes sense. Got all the way sick Saturday night so that makes 3 days which is about how long a cold ever lasts for me.

Normally I blog - as I am now - from my phone while in bed: makes a nice ritual to close out the day.  However I didn’t start out that way: I started blogging from my computer where I read many other sober blogs - it was the push I needed to stay focused as I had just lapsed after a little over six months of sobriety. So I had a whole slew of blogs on my Favorites bar. Many were those I considered my cohort: people who were sober roughly the same amount of time I was. This evening I web surfed from that computer for the first time in ages...and it was stunning how many blogs had closed up shop. I should probably check my own blog roll for broken links but not tonight - still too somber a thing. I always wonder what happened. Even Mr. Sponsorpants hasn’t posted since January and although I’ve noticed that fact since February there’s no way I could ever delete him from the list ... or Mrs S, either, even though it’s been more than a year.

This is a hard thing we are all trying to do.

Totally worthwhile, of course...as I was telling Eldest the other day on a completely different topic, anything worth doing is gonna be at least a little hard...but definitely no cake walk.

Day 542

Not as sick. Still plenty of room for improvement but hugely better than yesterday.

Did my Big Loop double site visit day and neither of the people I was supposed to see were there because my secretary hadn’t scheduled the visits with them. Was on my calendar but not theirs. Sigh.

Had crazy dreams all last night the most vivid being of my mother trying to get me to drink various kinds of alcohol. Didn’t but got tired of arguing in the dream and woke up annoyed. Weird way to start the day.

Hoping for a more peaceful week.

Day 541

Head cold. Yuck.

This week, though, I was prepared for and not taken aback by the self serve checkout. Made all the difference getting the big items early. It’s always something though: the frozen rolls my family really likes were in the “discontinued items” freezer case. Sigh.

After the groceries I spent all day on the couch with brief interruptions for a load of laundry and an oven dinner: roast with baby potatoes and carrots. Youngest just got home so now it’s bedtime and I wisely made -her- take the dog tonight. I like him but I will sleep better without his constant pressing up against me and my resultant scooching closed and closer to the edge.

Boy I hope I sleep this off.

Day 540

Wow five hundred and forty is a lot of days.

Phone woke me up this morning and unfortunately the irritation stuck around. Now that it’s bedtume I suspect at least some of it was/is impending illness: fell asleep on the couch right after dinner and woke up all sneezy and with watery eyes. On the one hand it’s good to have an explanation for why I’ve been so down and draggy - I’m always willing to think it’s entirely emotional - but on the other who wants to be sick? I’ve taken Zicam, that zinc thing, which I’m not sure works or not but at least it makes me feel like I’m doing -something-

I did get quite a bit of knitting done today which felt nice. Also, remembering last week’s self checkout fiasco I planned ahead and got all the bulky beverages for the week tonight before picking up the pizza. And I cleaned the bathroom so that’s two productive things which is totally enough. I no longer have to do everything I can think of and then some to “earn” the right to get drunk on Saturday night.

Don’t have to get drunk on Saturday night either.

Day 539

Better today but there’s still room for improvement. Did the work stuff I had to do but left way too much for Monday - mental state was largely “sick of all this” so I spent far too much of the day websurfing. Didn’t walk, either - it was freakishly bitter cold and I couldn’t force myself to do the treadmill - even with a decent audiobook it’s still pretty dull.

Middle fetched dinner for everyone though so that was nice and I had a new book which was also nice. No plans at all for tomorrow so I’m hoping to sleep in and maybe get back to baseline. I got a box of donuts so breakfast is already set.

Wish I had something wisecorcwitty or at least silly to offer but I’m still kinda tapped out and barely getting by emotionally. Well I do have one thing: in the long run, self care works way better than booze. May not feel like it in the short term but it totally does.

Day 538

A “close down the mountain” day. Haven’t had one of those in a long time.

Woke up 20 min early after not-great sleep and was completely exhausted both physically and emotionally. Like put my head down on my folded arms at the kitchen table while the dog ate his breakfast exhausted which isn’t me at all.

Knew I had a big pile of work and opening night of Youngest’s musical so I cut everything to the bare minimum. No trying to squeeze in a walk, no trying to get a little cleaning done, microwaved leftovers for family dinner...and I had chocolate cheesecake for dinner. Wasn’t as good as I had hoped but it felt indulgent all the same which was the point.

I’m hoping tomorrow is better.

Day 537

Another really long mostly unpleasant day. Too much work at the office and too much emotional support to give at home. Lost my cool detachment and got frustrated with my drinking family member...which, predictably, didn’t go well. We all know from personal experience how poorly someone who overdrinks reacts to anyone not on board the good ship ethanol. I wish I could have expressed my worry and concern in a more effective way but I had just run flat out of compassion at that point.

It’s better (the verbal tension and arguing; no clue what will happen with the drinking) now but I realized that I am still trying way too hard not to have negative emotions and apologizing for them when I do. I might be getting better at the more tangible aspects of living life but there’s still a lot of mountain to climb on the emotional side of things.

But hey: didn’t drink and didn’t -want- to drink so the day was still a success.