Day 550: 18 months.

Finally in bed and that’s a good feeling.

Drove 4.5 hours with practically no conversation from two kids only to get know-it-all from the third so I had worked up a good case of resentment by 12:30. Hubby suggested I take my walk which turned out to be a really smart idea as I traded my resentment for hunger which was more easily fixed.

By then overdrinking was occurring among other family members so the whole rest of the evening was about that in one way or another. On the one hand it made those earlier thoughts about “GhAWD I wish there were -something- I could do to get rid of these feelings but I don’t freaking drink any more so I’m stuck like this” seem silly. On the other it means nobody but y’all out in the blogosphere know what a milestone today was for me. I mentioned it briefly to two of the kids but I doubt either will remember.

Doesn’t make it any less a milestone though. Not sure what I’ll do for a treat as I still haven’t bought my last-month’snew sheet set treat but there definitely needs to be something. Can’t think of -what- yet but I’m hoping it will come to me.

So glad to be a sober person. So very glad and grateful.

Day 549

I think it’s all catching up to me. The dog chasing. The family stuff. The work stuff. I’ve had a good full meal with the kids at our new favorite restaurant and I’m just exhausted. Emotionally even more than physically.

But hey, I’m on vacation again so that’s good. Tomorrow we drive down to the other house - with the dog for the first time ever. Of course this upsets MiL who thinks having her son and sister isn’t enough and has expected at least one kid to stay behind - presumably to watch the dog - so she could inflict Thanksgiving upon them. Yeah, well, not so much.

I don’t want to drink but I feel out of sorts and generally blah in a way not unlike early sobriety. I think bedtime is the answer.

Eighteen months tomorrow. That ought to have exclamation points but I’m just not feeling it right now.

Day 548

Drove all the way to an actual pet store for a dog harness and damned if I didn’t put it on badly/wrong the first time so he had -another- Great Escape today. Into the woods behind our house. In the sleet. He eventually came back but boy did that 90-120 minutes seem like forever. Got my shoes soaked; glad I’ve got another pair for tomorrow.

Otherwise it was a reasonable day - finished enough of the sweater I’m knitting to try on and it will fit for sure...though it’s shorter than I’d prefer. If I have yarn left after it’s all done I might add to the bottom but more likely I’ll learn to love the length it is.

Tomorrow is my last working day before my Thanksgiving vacation and I have more work than expected — need to stay on top of things all day. At least I know I will be able to start the day full-speed....I can -always- start the day full speed now that I don’t drink.

Also tomorrow a treat I’ve planned for a good half, perhaps whole, week: kids and I are going out to dinner. ABL is with MiL for the holiday so we -can- go to a restaurant easily which means we will. All of us are pretty excited about that.

Not so excited about the fact that MiL has already told Spouse about the leftovers she plans to give me after the holiday. She has ABL but the rest of us (including the escape-artist beagle) are driving down to Chaos South as Eldest has law school and SiL works. Probably at least part of the actual day itself as his job is in a bar/liquor store combo. Anyhow MiL bought a 16-lb turkey for three people. Sigh.I’m only doing a breast for six especially as one of them - me - doesn’t eat meat in the first place.

Thanksgiving is my least favorite holiday. In fact I pretty much hate it. I’ve had too many really awful ones over the years, especially growing up. If it were up to me I’d either order Asian carry out or vacation outside the country. Unfortunately those aren’t options; the whole rest of the family likes the holiday. Sigh.

Day 547

Tired.  Had enough energy and motivation to go for a walk - first time in a week- then got a bag of de-ice and replacement bulbs for the outside lights so we would be ready for the first real snow of the season due tomorrow night into Monday. Six trips up and down the ladder. All was well and good...till the dog popped his collar and took off across the neighbors’ yards. Middle finally got him just inside the woods which border all the houses...and I went back to the hardware store for a harness. I need to go another size up as this one only barely fits at full extension of the buckles which is okay for a quick walk as it doesn’t bind him but I want to get a nicer/looser one tomorrow.

On the other hand I got a surprise no-reason package in the mail from my dear friend...on a day I really really needed it.

Exhausted. The dog is too.

Day 546

Hey I just realized: Monday will be 18 months. Pretty cool.

Glad the day is ending with that bright note. Had way-cray (crazy) dreams last night, woke up angry and stayed that way pretty much all day. Got plenty of things to be angry about and anger is at least more productive than sadness or despair but I’m hoping I’ll wake up better tomorrow. Angry isn’t a very good emotional neighborhood.

Early bedtime always helps though, so that’s what I’m doing. Plus some extra sweets throughout the day. If I’m already angry it wouldn’t do to be hungry or tired or lonely. Time to see whether I get better dreams tonight.

Day 545

Bah. Woke up sneezing again. Foul mood all day and even now in bed still angry at the world both on  a macro and micro level. Hoping tomorrow will be better.

But hey, didn’t drink and didn’t take my emotions out on anyone else so it’s another winning day. Go me. Just wish the overall positive/negative balance - or at least my perception of it - would improve. Oh well...they can’t all be gems.

Day 544

I thought I was All Better today so I tried doing spinny-bike (what Youngest calls the stationary bicycle) but got awfully exhausted awfully fast - spent rest of night on couch without even energy to knit. Also my throat started hurting. I suppose I’m not all that surprised given my baseline stress level what with at least minor family drama on a pretty much daily basis and at least minor work headaches every darned day.

But I’m 1) staying sober and 2) not taking my emotions out on others and those two things are enough to call the day a win. Not overeating, either, which is just icing on the cake...though that’s probably a poor metaphor to use.

I wish I did have more energy for walking or spinny-bike as I was enjoying my new audiobook before I got sick. I had also kind of hoped to not have to renew at least one book once...but no matter as they go right back to “available” as I don’t get anything so new as to be a hot commodity. All the same, Overdrive (the app most libraries use) has changed my fitness world.

There’s a whole lot of stuff in my life completely beyond my control and I’ve found enough serenity to acknowledge and accept that so I’m not still trying to push the river - I know it flows by itself - but I’m getting awfully tired of many things on this particular boat ride. Yeah I realize how well I have it in many ways and am grateful for lots of things...and I know life will ease up as it always does...but tonight is one of those glass-not-only-half-empty-but-cracked nights. Time to walk the dog and call it bedtime.