Day 557

Early to bed tonight - can’t even think of doing another way-too-late night like yesterday. Didn’t get to sleep till something like 1:30.

Which is probably a big part of why today was sad with a side order of angry - no particular reason so I’m thinking it was the overtired toddler factor at work. Ended up having Mexican for lunch because I got too hungry and the immediate warm chips/cold salsa sounded really good and it was...but I had forgotten their iced tea is undrinkable. Also I had planned on an enchilada but once there I obstinately didn’t want to pay dinner-menu price so ended up ordering off the lunch menu...and for some reason had quesadilla and chimichanga mixed up in my head - ordered the former thinking I was getting the latter and only after the food came did I realize my mistake. Every time something like that happens I instantly panic “ohmahghawd is it the Alzheimer’s ?!” even though I’m only barely 51...that’s the downside of 23&Me. I have two copies of the gene associated with _late_ onset Alzheimer’s which means I have a 40-something chance of having it by age 75 and a 60% chance by 85. This is not thrilling to me but on the other hand I wouldn’t dream of trying to win with 60/40 odds so I don’t really worry about it...except for the odd bit of forgetfulness like today.

Anyhow the food, although a little unexpected, was fine and I particularly like their black beans. However between that, all the vacation food and the iced coffee with sugar-free hazelnut syrup I got on the way home to prevent afternoon crash I was bloated like the Willy Wonka blueberry girl all evening.

Even a mere five hours of sober sleep is still way better than the whole routine of crashing hard at 11 only to wake up sometime past three with thirst, palpitations and sweat...which now seems so far removed and alien that I am more puzzled by than disapproving of having lived that way for so many years. It’s insidious, that’s for sure.

Day 556

Work started off badly and ended badly - sometimes it is like that. Oh, and there was a rather wretched meeting in the middle.

Got home an hour late which pushed everything else back an hour so I’m just now trying to go to sleep at half past midnight. Stayed up far too late goofing off with a computer game: unlike last night I just didn’t get sleepy. Not really sleepy now but gotta start doing the relaxation stuff as I will still have to get up in the morning.

Ah but tomorrow I’m taking myself out to lunch so there’s that. Gonna save the sheets for a different day though; don’t feel like shopping for anything anywhere this week.

Day 555

Home again.  Long drive. Saying goodbye gets harder every time; I don't know how I'm going to do another two and a half years of this. It is what it is, though.

Made things as easy on myself as possible once we got here though: frozen pizza after the shopping and sent Middle to the gas station so I wouldn't have to go out again. Shower, jammies...and early bedtime for sure. Laundry can wait till tomorrow or later in the week or something. Speaking of later in the week: I have to do my "big loop" of driving for work on Tuesday so I'm going to treat myself to lunch -and- finally pick up those sheets that were going to be last month's sober treat.  Changing the sheets once I got home this afternoon reminded me.

I'm hoping that in a couple days I'll bounce back because right now I feel like at least half my energy and life-force has been sucked right out of me. Combination of missing Spouse and Eldest, long drive and 15 degree drop in temperature between the two houses I think, but it's no fun whatever it is. Work should be easier than it's been these past couple months (notice I qualify it with "should") which will help.

Bedtime.

Day 554

Now that all the holiday pressure is over it was a really lovely day. Of course it was also the last day - life is like that. Took a walk with Eldest, ate good food ... it was all just so nice.

I’m really sad to be getting in the car and driving 4.5 hours back to the regular house but that’s where the good job and the kids’ schools are. It sucks to live apart from Spouse and Eldest but it’s the best of the options so that’s what we are doing. Although all five of us felt and commented on how nice it was to all be together under the same roof: parents, kids and dogs. No ABL, no MiL and no Aunt, just nuclear family and SiL when he wasn’t working.

Really happy to be sober though - it makes everything else, even sad stuff, easier.

Day 553

Today was easier.

Eldest acknowledged my efforts yesterday with a pair of fuzzy socks which was sweet. I had two and a half hours all to myself at the car dealership waiting for service so I got to enjoy knitting and my audiobook which normally I save just for walks...but I decided on Wednesday that my ongoing treat for this whole trip was to listen to my audiobook whenever I wanted.

Oh there was still some annoyance...but it was fairly easily dealt with.

Holidays are stressful enough: I’m so glad to be doing them sober now.

Day 552 US Thanksgiving

Eight fifteen in the morning and I am writing lest I start breaking things.

I am, of course, the only one of this six-person household awake. I slept in an hour past my usual time for which I was grateful so the day didn’t start off -immediately- lousy. So fine, snapped the leash on boy-beagle to go do his business since he didn’t have his bedtime pee because there are far too many New! Different! Exciting! smells in the backyard down here.

Twenty minutes: nothing.
Fine, I did -my- business but kept him on his leash because I didn’t  want him peeing on the carpet. I poured some tea and tried again. Another 20 minutes: nothing. I decided to come in and actually drink my tea and maybe have something to eat and feed him while I was at it. Kept him on his leash.

He wasn’t interested in breakfast. While I ate mine I started thinking about the day’s cooking and realized I had no idea when to actually -serve- the dinner because despite asking multiple times I never found out whether SiL works today at all and if so, when. But that’s when I realized that the pie had to go in regardless...and that’s also when boy-beagle managed to wriggle out of -another- (this makes three) harness to go climb on Youngest who was sleeping on the couch. Given the recent escapes and how much trouble I’ve had getting and fitting harnesses you can imagine this was more than a little upsetting but I had a frozen pie in my other hand so I didn’t do anything other than put the leash with harness still attached aside, take a small moment to be grateful it happened -inside- for a change and put the pie in the oven.

Turned around to find him peeing on the carpeting. A lot. Dead center. Of course.

I poured hydrogen peroxide on it and got out the carpet cleaner (on a whole different floor of the house, naturally) and have now dealt with the whole mess and am sitting quietly with my tea typing into my phone but for a while there the rage and resentment were pretty overwhelming along with the simultaneous desires of “anything -not- to feel this way” and “I deserve more recognition than anyone is ever gonna give.” Those are feeling which on other holidays in years past would have started me drinking by noon. Probably lots of people - mostly women - are having mimosas and Bloody Marys and wine spritzers and plain ol’ white wine from the bottle open for cooking right this very minute...because they too are up and about making the holiday happen while a whole lot of other people do other things around them.

Blogging was the right choice: my resentment has mostly abated and —-

—-and that was where I was when Eldest arrived on the scene. I told her my story and when I got to the part with the harness she interrupted to start in about “yeah but that’s the same -kind- of harness you got last time and thats probably your problem. There are different -kinds- of harnesses you know..” I was, thanks to blogging, composed enough to say in a conversational tone  “yes I know but that was the only kind they sold and if you interrupt my story to be all knowledgeable I’m going to get my feelings hurt.”  She was clearly taken aback but rolled with it and said “um...okay, moving on...” so that was progress.

==much later===

Survived the day. As Thanksgivings in my family go, it was a good one. No big ugly fights, no weirdness just food on the table at a set time. I think that was because we had 1) no extended family and 2) no booze.

I had a few other big chunks of resentment but they eventually went away. Definitely ready for bed though.

Day 551

Better day.

Not great but at least better. Got all the stuff we need for the meal tomorrow, had a walk and also got the car’s oil changed and new wiper blades at the while-you-wait place near here. Normally I would make an appointment at my usual place back home but the wipers drove me nuts on the drive down. Given cost of high end wipers (and I know it wasn’t a huge markup since the old pair had come from the parts store and been self-installed) I ended up spending what I would at home but got free inside&out car wash AND they reset the oil life button which the local place never ever does. Less time, too - very pleasing retail experience.

So I was grateful for that. Also grateful I finally got a harness for the dog which fits.
My treats today were the onion dip I like and the seasonal cherry cookies I used to really like but which now seem a smidge too artificial.

Was glad of the treats as I’m still fighting resentment a lot.

Was also glad nobody drank today.