Trying to keep a balanced perspective but right now sad is winning.
The universe threw all sorts of little kindnesses my way today: co-worker bought my tea this morning, another co-worker brought gifts from her trip abroad and the drive-thru worker was beyond the usual level of nice. Yet still various family dramas weigh heavily and suck the joy right out of me again. Wish that I could let it all roll off me but feelings just -are-; they can’t be logic-ed away.
No urge to -drink- over any of this and I’ve managed not to succumb to the overeating All The Carbs urges either and those two facts alone should give me some satisfaction and maybe increased self worth...but what I mostly am is tired.
So after doing nothing but lie on the couch after dinner - wait, that’s not true because I did two loads of laundry and also cleaned up after dinner. After -mostly- lying around on the couch after dinner I’ve moved to bed. Whether it’s physical or emotional or a combination of both, sleep will help.
Wednesday, December 6, 2017
Tuesday, December 5, 2017
Day 564
Busy day.
Had to take ABL to the doctor (med refills) at 8 then reward him with drive-thru breakfast, get him settled at home and take the car to -its- appointment at the shop for sluggish starting. As I was sitting there eating my own breakfast between appointments I thought to myself "mustn't forget to lay out his lunch before I go" and what did I end up doing? Forgetting to lay out his lunch before I went...and didn't realize it till 1:30 when I was hungry and getting ready to go buy my own lunch from the cafeteria. Fortunately home is only about seven minutes from work. No harm done.
But that makes the third bit of serious forgetfulness in a week and that worries me. Last Tuesday I completely mixed up "quesadilla" with "chimichanga" even though I've had both many times....ordered the former thinking I would be getting the latter and only after the food came did I realize my mistake. Sunday night into yesterday morning I thought I was having lunch with my friends even though I knew lunch was set for the 11th and the appointments were on the 5th...for some reason there was this curious blank spot making me think that yesterday was the lunch. Also for some reason I've been having a really hard time remembering today is Tuesday, not Wednesday.
Spouse says it's stress and he's probably right but I'm still uneasy. I've never been a forgetful person, never mixed up days and only once in my entire life lost track of an assignment because it was due the day after the calendar page flipped. That was my freshman year of undergrad and I've always kept a continuous six-weeks-at-a-glance calendar somewhere easily seen to avoid that ever happening again. So this is definitely unusual. I'm keeping track now, though, and if they keep happening with the same frequency into the new year I'll figure out what kind of professional I should go see. Neurology probably.
But now I'm going to bed - still with this intermittent headache and scratchy throat and sleep is always a good answer for whatever the question might be.
Had to take ABL to the doctor (med refills) at 8 then reward him with drive-thru breakfast, get him settled at home and take the car to -its- appointment at the shop for sluggish starting. As I was sitting there eating my own breakfast between appointments I thought to myself "mustn't forget to lay out his lunch before I go" and what did I end up doing? Forgetting to lay out his lunch before I went...and didn't realize it till 1:30 when I was hungry and getting ready to go buy my own lunch from the cafeteria. Fortunately home is only about seven minutes from work. No harm done.
But that makes the third bit of serious forgetfulness in a week and that worries me. Last Tuesday I completely mixed up "quesadilla" with "chimichanga" even though I've had both many times....ordered the former thinking I would be getting the latter and only after the food came did I realize my mistake. Sunday night into yesterday morning I thought I was having lunch with my friends even though I knew lunch was set for the 11th and the appointments were on the 5th...for some reason there was this curious blank spot making me think that yesterday was the lunch. Also for some reason I've been having a really hard time remembering today is Tuesday, not Wednesday.
Spouse says it's stress and he's probably right but I'm still uneasy. I've never been a forgetful person, never mixed up days and only once in my entire life lost track of an assignment because it was due the day after the calendar page flipped. That was my freshman year of undergrad and I've always kept a continuous six-weeks-at-a-glance calendar somewhere easily seen to avoid that ever happening again. So this is definitely unusual. I'm keeping track now, though, and if they keep happening with the same frequency into the new year I'll figure out what kind of professional I should go see. Neurology probably.
But now I'm going to bed - still with this intermittent headache and scratchy throat and sleep is always a good answer for whatever the question might be.
Monday, December 4, 2017
Day 563
Another night of crazy dreams, waking up twice and then sleeping past usual time only to wake with a headache. Thought today was my colleague lunch so didn’t pack any only to realize when I got to work that no, the lunch is -next- Monday. Then realized I had a headache getting worse not better and could have fallen asleep standing right there in my office with my coat still on. Youngest was extra-tired this morning too - must be some illness afoot.
On the other hand my stupid noon meeting was less stupid than usual because it confirmed the more positive (to me, anyhow) interpretation of recent work-politics events. Plus I got to leave at four which is always nice.
Saw a social media video which gave me mixed feelings: “virgin” holiday drinks like mulled “wine” and hot buttered “rum.” Although I think it’s nice to have an alternative, any alternative, to all the extra over-and-above-usual boozing I thought the drinks themselves looked kinda icky and that fake versions of real booze were sort of lame compared to something original that wasn’t trying to be something else. Don’t want to rain on anyone else’s parade but it’s definitely not my thing. Of course I don’t like fake flowers, either.
And on that note I’m going to bed as I have both an ABL appointment and a car appointment tomorrow. The Great Cookie Caper continues...did the. 7-layer bars while the chili simmered as those aren’t real cooking and also ground the pistachios for sesame cookies. Got out first Christmas card today which reminds me I gotta do those too - forgot an obligation. Fortunately there are very few to do - less than ten for sure.
I was sober last Christmas too but this year it seems to be overall happier. I’m all for that.
Sunday, December 3, 2017
Day 562
A good day. There was early morning family drama which annoyed me because I wanted to get to the grocery before it got crowded but it worked out to my advantage: after nine there still aren’t many people but they open up a non-express real-cashier checkout line. I had been fully prepared to do the whole self-serve thing again but praise be I didn’t have to.
Decided not to get lemons yet as I’m not at all sure whether lemon bars will freeze but I did order myself a 9x9 pan. Plus started planning a line of attack: tomorrow will be 7-layer bars because they are ridiculously easy and will totally freeze well since they’re basically just candy. Or not, depending on my mood. The beautiful thing is that there is no rush and I only have to do as much as I want. I could get fed up and ditch the whole project and it wouldn’t hurt a thing.
More family drama later in the day but I didn’t let it get to me. Progress!
And now sleep.
Decided not to get lemons yet as I’m not at all sure whether lemon bars will freeze but I did order myself a 9x9 pan. Plus started planning a line of attack: tomorrow will be 7-layer bars because they are ridiculously easy and will totally freeze well since they’re basically just candy. Or not, depending on my mood. The beautiful thing is that there is no rush and I only have to do as much as I want. I could get fed up and ditch the whole project and it wouldn’t hurt a thing.
More family drama later in the day but I didn’t let it get to me. Progress!
And now sleep.
Saturday, December 2, 2017
Days 560 and 561
Wow I totally spaced writing a post yesterday. That’s because I came home so out of sorts I ended up going to bed way early and then falling asleep right away. Wasn’t a bad day or anything just one of those evenings where nothing appeals: not my computer toys, not my yarn toys, not my book toys...nine of it. Didn’t want to drink but didn’t want to do anything else either.
Today, however, has been much better. Spouse had a big EBay box which I needed to re-label and send down to the other house (EBay only lets you ship to billing address) and I was feeling some resentment about it so I took myself for breakfast afterwards and that was a really smart choice. Food made by someone else always tastes better and I can’t remember the last time I had a -hot- breakfast. Was very nice. The cafe was pushing the booze though: in addition to Mimosas, Bloody Marys and Screwdrivers all being listed on the breakfast menu they also had a breakfast -drink- special which today was Bailey’s in coffee. I suppose if you are a tourist it isn’t unreasonable but damn, even decades ago when I didn’t think I had a drinking problem I would never have started that early because it could only lead to disaster. Different strokes for different folks, I guess.
After breakfast I was brave enough to stroll over to the sidewalk I mentioned and they -did- fix it. Was surprised to find, in among the relief, a bit of disappointment that my feet were -not- forever memorialized in front of the Presbyterian Church.
When I got home I put butter out to soften. You know that saying “be the change you want to see in the world”? Well for the past week or so I was thinking maybe I should be the Christmas I wanted to see in the world. The one thing I -do- like about the holiday is the cookie trays - you know, where there are a bunch of different kinds and often fudge or that stuff with colored mini marshmallows in white chocolate. (Upon reflection, the cookie tray was something -no- body in my family did...of course -that- isn’t significant hahaha...) Well since I had all the obligatory gift-stuff done and had already decided I wasn’t doing any decorating I felt positive enough about everything to say “y’know what? Let’s do it. Make a batch here and there and freeze it all and then won’t you be all set?!?”
Plus there was a vegan gluten free recipe for peanut butter chocolate chip bars I had to try because curiosity was killing me. It was first on the list. My own feeling was “meh” and Youngest was “not a fan” so I will see what the people in my office think on Monday. Belle’s shortbread, on the other hand, was a huge hit. Most of it is already in the freezer for safekeeping as it would have gone very quickly otherwise.
While I was doing the baking Youngest decorated - how cool is that?! I was really happy to see lights and a tree go up so I guess there is a difference between being Scroogey McGrinchface and just not wanting to add onto one’s To-Do list. Things could change, of course, but right now I’m feeling better and more excited about Christmas than I have in several years.
Also I made sure to get the bulky/heavy stuff (beverages, cat litter) at the grocery this evening so that when I go tomorrow morning I can use the self-check out. And now I’m taking time out to have a nice lie-down and appreciate my fine forethought.
Today, however, has been much better. Spouse had a big EBay box which I needed to re-label and send down to the other house (EBay only lets you ship to billing address) and I was feeling some resentment about it so I took myself for breakfast afterwards and that was a really smart choice. Food made by someone else always tastes better and I can’t remember the last time I had a -hot- breakfast. Was very nice. The cafe was pushing the booze though: in addition to Mimosas, Bloody Marys and Screwdrivers all being listed on the breakfast menu they also had a breakfast -drink- special which today was Bailey’s in coffee. I suppose if you are a tourist it isn’t unreasonable but damn, even decades ago when I didn’t think I had a drinking problem I would never have started that early because it could only lead to disaster. Different strokes for different folks, I guess.
After breakfast I was brave enough to stroll over to the sidewalk I mentioned and they -did- fix it. Was surprised to find, in among the relief, a bit of disappointment that my feet were -not- forever memorialized in front of the Presbyterian Church.
When I got home I put butter out to soften. You know that saying “be the change you want to see in the world”? Well for the past week or so I was thinking maybe I should be the Christmas I wanted to see in the world. The one thing I -do- like about the holiday is the cookie trays - you know, where there are a bunch of different kinds and often fudge or that stuff with colored mini marshmallows in white chocolate. (Upon reflection, the cookie tray was something -no- body in my family did...of course -that- isn’t significant hahaha...) Well since I had all the obligatory gift-stuff done and had already decided I wasn’t doing any decorating I felt positive enough about everything to say “y’know what? Let’s do it. Make a batch here and there and freeze it all and then won’t you be all set?!?”
Plus there was a vegan gluten free recipe for peanut butter chocolate chip bars I had to try because curiosity was killing me. It was first on the list. My own feeling was “meh” and Youngest was “not a fan” so I will see what the people in my office think on Monday. Belle’s shortbread, on the other hand, was a huge hit. Most of it is already in the freezer for safekeeping as it would have gone very quickly otherwise.
While I was doing the baking Youngest decorated - how cool is that?! I was really happy to see lights and a tree go up so I guess there is a difference between being Scroogey McGrinchface and just not wanting to add onto one’s To-Do list. Things could change, of course, but right now I’m feeling better and more excited about Christmas than I have in several years.
Also I made sure to get the bulky/heavy stuff (beverages, cat litter) at the grocery this evening so that when I go tomorrow morning I can use the self-check out. And now I’m taking time out to have a nice lie-down and appreciate my fine forethought.
Thursday, November 30, 2017
Day 559
Peculiar day. Woke up a half hour late after the most unsettling bizarre dream - not a nightmare but weirdly unpleasant in its own way. Car acting up a little - enough to make me worry disproportionately even after making an appointment for service. Must be stress.
Took a walk at lunchtime and stepped on a sidewalk I didn’t realize was still wet till after I left two footprints - and then the village works truck drive by. I alternated between horrified with fear of reprisal and annoyed that no barricade or warning sign was in place. I hope someone from the works truck actually fixed it otherwise my feet are going to be forever in front of a local church.
Got a nasty headache in the late afternoon which might explain why I hit “self clean” instead of “start” on the oven...didn’t realize that till I wondered why it smelled odd and hadn’t beeped to let me know the preheating was done. So dinner was delayed by the half hour it took to cool down enough do the auto-lock would unlock. Once again I gave myself dementia (TWO fuckups the same WEEK! said the Inner Critic) but this time because of the headache I threw in brain tumor, multiple sclerosis and impending TIA or stroke.
Family was difficult because ABL acted up and I’m pretty sure my overdrinking relative has abandoned the most recent quit attempt. But hey at least it is early to bed tonight which will definitely not make things any worse and has a good chance of making them better.
Took a walk at lunchtime and stepped on a sidewalk I didn’t realize was still wet till after I left two footprints - and then the village works truck drive by. I alternated between horrified with fear of reprisal and annoyed that no barricade or warning sign was in place. I hope someone from the works truck actually fixed it otherwise my feet are going to be forever in front of a local church.
Got a nasty headache in the late afternoon which might explain why I hit “self clean” instead of “start” on the oven...didn’t realize that till I wondered why it smelled odd and hadn’t beeped to let me know the preheating was done. So dinner was delayed by the half hour it took to cool down enough do the auto-lock would unlock. Once again I gave myself dementia (TWO fuckups the same WEEK! said the Inner Critic) but this time because of the headache I threw in brain tumor, multiple sclerosis and impending TIA or stroke.
Family was difficult because ABL acted up and I’m pretty sure my overdrinking relative has abandoned the most recent quit attempt. But hey at least it is early to bed tonight which will definitely not make things any worse and has a good chance of making them better.
Wednesday, November 29, 2017
Day 558
The first truly easy day at work I’ve had in a long time. Took a walk at lunch which was kind of amazing. Even so I realized after the fact that every single day this week had two separate instances of...of...oh yes: “providing clarification.” Not nice to say “fixing stupid.”
The big thing, though, is that all my Christmas shopping is done. Praise be for mail order. This is definitely a new personal best as it isn’t even December yet but it feels like a huge weight off my back. Now I wouldn’t -have- to do any other thing and I’ve met the societal obligations. Well...except for having a meal with MiL on the day itself but I’m still in denial about that since it’s practically a whole month away.
Can you tell I don’t do well with holidays? Thanksgiving is by far the worst but Christmas runs a close second place. I’m going that by making everything from this point out an optional thing I might be able to enjoy it more. (I’ll spare you all my “women are the keepers of Christmas” platform.)
Spent too much time on the computer again tonight but it’s not as bad as two nights ago - I think I can still get a decent amount of sleep. Which I should start doing.
The big thing, though, is that all my Christmas shopping is done. Praise be for mail order. This is definitely a new personal best as it isn’t even December yet but it feels like a huge weight off my back. Now I wouldn’t -have- to do any other thing and I’ve met the societal obligations. Well...except for having a meal with MiL on the day itself but I’m still in denial about that since it’s practically a whole month away.
Can you tell I don’t do well with holidays? Thanksgiving is by far the worst but Christmas runs a close second place. I’m going that by making everything from this point out an optional thing I might be able to enjoy it more. (I’ll spare you all my “women are the keepers of Christmas” platform.)
Spent too much time on the computer again tonight but it’s not as bad as two nights ago - I think I can still get a decent amount of sleep. Which I should start doing.
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