Day 807

The cold is quite a bit better than this time last night but there’s still room to go. I took a sick day from work which is quite unusual for me...and damned if they didn’t call me at home about something anyhow. That irked me but hey, whatcha gonna do?

I still have quite a bit of resentment going on about this and that but at least the horrible “maybe you should drink” urges seem to have passed. Thursday, Friday and Saturday -totally- sucked that way with Sunday only marginally better. To (probably mis) quote Caroline Knapp: and you think the craving will never pass but it always eventually does.

I’d like some unexpected -positive- things to start happening though - that would be nice.

Day 806

Went to bed thinking my allergies were just -really- acting up. Nope: head cold. Declared itself assertively when I woke up this morning. I’ve been stressed and miserable deeply enough for long enough I’m not even surprised.

So I did what I had to do, took two Benedryl and went to bed for  the night at 9:30. Rest of family drinking — glad not to have to be social at all.

Hoping to sleep the worst of it off.

Saturday morning I take Spouse and the two extra dogs back to the other house. Can barely wait.

Day 805

Another really emotionally hard day. Family drama up close and personal. I’ve been eating like a freaking pâté goose and I don’t even care because fighting the urge not to freaking -drink- has been hard enough. Not particularly happy with using sugar like a freaking drug but as I’ve said a million times nobody ever woke up in the middle of the night sweaty and with pounding heart after too many cookies. Nor did anyone ever get a hangover from pie.

I am so tired of being strong. So. Tired.

But hey...I didn’t drink so I still win.

Day 804

Really rough day. Just rough. In emotional survival mode. Ate way too much food but don’t care. Not drinking is enough.

Day 803

Another really emotionally hard day. The one-two punch of stress at both work and Home is getting to me.

Enough that this blogging thing has saved me again: in the late afternoon and early evening That Voice was so loud and so sirenlike that even “what, and give up more than two _years_?!!?” wasn’t quite a strong enough reply but “and howinhell would you tell the blogosphere about -that-, huh?” was enough. Praise be. Accountability helps - it really does. I was sitting with “aw fuck it; what’s the point of staying sober when it’s going to crap around you anyway?” for way more of this day than I liked...but I got through it. No booze.

I had pizza -and- one of those individual fruit pies which aren’t ever as good as you think they’re gonna be and started a new knitting project. The urge faded eventually.

Bedtime now. The sleep will be restful and shame free.

After all, nobody ever, anywhere, woke up and thought “gee, I wish I’d gotten good and drunk last night. I really regret not drinking.”

Day 802

Hard day.

Got lousy sleep and had to use a fleet car for my work-related site visits and heard bad work news and family drama and was just SO depressed and glum so -much- of the day.

Then of course the very first thing which happens as soon as I cross the threshold is walking the adult dogs and cleaning up after the puppy and I have _lots_ of feelings about that lemmetellya but in this case trading really down for pretty pissed off wasn’t entirely awful because pissed off is so much more energetic.

But now bed. 

Day 801

Up and down day. Work stuff. Home stuff. Emotions. Dogs.

Basically okay. Got myself some new pants as a treat. Starting to get excited about the cruise.