Day 1300

I was looking at my day counter for completely other reasons and discovered...

...today is Day 1300.

Wow. Go me.

I wanted this in a strange fleeting “not sure I could -ever- have that” way for years and -years- before even trying. Took a while trying, too...but I kept at it.

Eventually I got here.

Day 1290

I didn't even realize it was a round-number day when I started this post; I just wanted to catch up and check in.  On Sunday November 24 I proved physics still works by sliding off the road onto a guardrail.

In my defense 1) it was snowing >1” per hour which I did not know when I left NJ 2) it was exactly 32 degrees Fahrenheit 3) I was hauling this damned bed for my brother in law the boxes of which got delivered to the wrong house.

I was not speeding - was going well under posted limits due to conditions but combo of curve, conditions and weight led to skid from which I could not recover.

There were so many other worse accidents that it took over an hour for law enforcement to arrive. Eventually however a nice young deputy gave me a lift the half-mile home, filled out accident report in my driveway and said he would wait with my vehicle till tow truck came. MUCH later Sunday the tow truck operator called to say my vehicle had been deposited at dealership and I did the insurance thing.

So that was pretty icky.  I didn't have sense enough to be scared at the time but everyone else helpfully asking "is that a BRIDGE?!?" kinda made me think about it. The answer is "yes" because the body of water is Oaks Creek which forms the back border of our property line a third to half mile right of the photo. It has a whole bunch of swampy bits at the shore and I don’t think it ever gets very deep, certainly not around there, so I would not have been in -mortal- peril but it would definitely have been Really Awful.

 

Fortunately that got settled before US Thanksgiving on Thursday. Our insurance facilitated getting the car to the body shop and getting me a rental car so things are okay for now. The car has a LOT of damage underneath -- will probably be in the low five figures -- but is not a total loss so I don't have to go through that new-to-me process.  I'm still a little shaken up by it not all the time but if I stop and think about it....and I've kind of avoided that road a bit since it happened. I figure it will fade in time. Or not, and that's okay too.  I just filled out the mandatory State of NY accident form and upon realizing that the checkboxes for "weather" "road conditions" and "type of road" were "snowing" "snow covered" and "curve and grade" I felt a little better about what happened. Less like I was somehow doing something -wrong- anyhow. 

 

Then of course we had US Thanksgiving and that was sort of a drag as the family is separate right now. Spouse, Eldest, SiL and Middle are all in the Pinelands while Youngest, BiL and I are in the Upstate NY house.  Not a problem for any of US but my mother in law and her older sister are six miles away from the NY house so I was put in the charming position of Doing Something For The Holiday with JUST my in-laws without my own spouse or two of my three kids.  I would have much preferred for the Something to be "nothing at all!" and Youngest was down with that plan but my mother in law wasn't about to have any of that.  She said "well I'm doing a turkey!" and I, the vegetarian, used that opportunity to say "fine I'll do ALL the sides and we have it at my place." 

MiL the Admitted Control Freak didn't like this but had to accept it. (Tee Hee.) 

Two Old Ladies For Thanksgiving went better than it could have gone, all things considered. They clearly didn't like the dogs and I did have to sit with mine for a while because he wouldn't stop barking otherwise but the dogs were confined and not interacting directly with anyone so it wasn't -that- much a hardship. MiL's turkey was Not Good -- very dry white meat and underdone-still-red bottom parts but that was an SEP (Somebody Else's Problem) for me, the non-carnivore. She arrived expecting to use both my oven and microwave to heat up her food --I'm wondering just how far ahead she prepared the bird. That went okay though -- I could Let It Go! -- as I'd done all the side dishes well in advance and made use of my warming drawer.  

 

Elderly Aunt (age 86) made a flan, which impressed me no end as I can't do caramelized sugar stuff at all. They made ME unmold it from the Bundt pan but it came right out in one piece. It kind of collapsed on the plate afterwards but it was indeed whole and tasted just fine. That was my favorite part of the entire event. Still is; we have one piece left. Looks a wreck but tastes great.

In any case it was two hours start to finish and I let her take my photograph which will turn out awful because she simply cannot take a good picture of me but that's okay as enough of her relatives are my FaceBook friends now that they'll know I don't really look that bad. 

 

Meanwhile I went to the office this morning to clear out my email and I'm surprised at how little of actual _substance_  happened in the six weeks I was away.  I guess that's good--? Not sure how it will be to go back tomorrow...I'm of mixed minds. 

Anyhow that's to let you know that life keeps on rushing right at you but you know what I DIDN"T do after that horrible accident? I did NOT say "I need you to go to the liquor store" to another licensed driver and I did NOT get more drunk than usual and all maudlin....and I did NOT have ANY kind of hangover this whole holiday week and that right there was a HUGE blessing. 

In fact...I know "the holidays" start pretty much now and don't wind up till New Years a whole month away.  I also know that culturally they're an excuse to booze it up even MORE than usual and try to convince non-imbibers to try and skimpy one-sippers to cut loose and that's really hard on anyone's willpower so let me say something from the other side:  it is So Fucking AWESOME to be hangover free during holiday season!! If you tell everyone at [event] that you'd love to but just -can't- because you had to start taking allergy medicine because [unexpected change in situation--can make up any silly thing you like] YOU can be smugly hangover-free too! 

I like "allergy medicine" because it's really vague but everyone knows at least ONE person who drank on top of cold medicine and was out scary-cold so they tend to back off when you drag it out.  You don't have to tell them that the "allergy" is to feeling shitty about yourself and the "medicine" is sobriety.

Day 1282

Sobriety just served as the bedrock on which I stood to have some difficult but important personal conversations. Trust me — I know I sound candy-assed or like I “bought into it” and it’s fine if I do. Right now I know for deep true fact that sober is definitely the way to be and is better in every way. I wish I’d learned this great thing earlier in life but hey, now is good too.

The one thing is....it takes a while. What seems like a BIG while in the early days: every bit of 2-3 -months- not weeks. Six months is rocky: I lost a really good quit - the one right before now - at just past the six month mark which is how I started this blog in the first place. But if you hang in there the world just quietly opens up for you. The path, even when rocky and hard, is at least not also so dark. It shines a helpful light.

Three and a Half Years

Last night someone asked the date and I said “the twenty-first” and realized “hey that’s my sober day I wonder how many months it is?” Three years six months is what.

How about that.

Day 1271

Long time no post.

It’s for a really common reason, too: alcohol in my life again. Just not my personal life. It’s touching - oh hell, fuck “touching” it’s rubbing really hard against a couple-few really close people in my life. Of course it’s a story but not MY story so I’ve just been keeping mum. As I’ve said a million times of late: I’m not ever gonna say anything about anyone else’s substances.

What I can say is that my own and my husband’s health are both doing just fine. I had my stitches out, got off narcotics and have weaned out of the sling. Got permission to drive but not to start PT yet. It is Bothering me to be out of work this long but every day I notice at least one thing that I couldn’t do before the surgery. I also notice every day at least one way in which I un-knot a little more emotionally from The Summer Of Healthcare.

I’m bad about recognizing low level pain AS pain. Turns into sadness/depression along the way. Family says “why so down?” I say “I’m not” then realize I’ve been using/doing -and- overdue for meds, which consist of Advil and Tylenol. Then in an hour I’m not so sad. I’ve also learned caffeine helps with all of the above. It’s worth doing too, as the other thing untreated pain makes me is mean-mouthed. Not as bad as a drunk with issues but definitely in that too-much-truth-too-bluntly kind of way.

Anyhow I percolate along. There are moments when I think I might explode in sheer frustration but there are also moments when I can appreciate the quiet satisfaction of just simply being. It’s a lot easier to do life sober although I know it absolutely doesn’t look like that from the drinking side of the street. Yeah, well...after three and a half years I STILL do not miss hangovers one single bit. Not a smidgeon.

Stay strong.

Day 1237

Had my surgery 10/2 and it was success. Hate wedge immobilization device though. Pain worse than I expected but much improved now, a week later.

Husband continues to improve which is very heartening.

I have NOT been doing well with arm - very cranky. Weepy. But managing.

Day 1229

What a difference a couple weeks can make.

I still have to get surgery -- tomorrow! -- and I'm a little uneasy but overall I'm very grateful there IS a surgery because the shoulder has stopped getting better and has in fact gotten mildly worse since last I wrote. Yes I'll be immobilized for six weeks and need to not cheat on that immobilization because tendons don't have very good blood flow and are thus slow to heal...but even if I only get a 50-75% improvement from where it is right now I'll be happy with that since where it is right now is Just Not Good At All. I'm sure there are parts of this I'm going to hate and I'm sure the road to FULL recovery will be long but I want to get started on that journey.

Meanwhile my husband is so much better that I really do see the miracle. It took every bit of two complete months but he's just like he used to be years ago...well, he doesn't have the energy level yet and we're both a lot older but he's not yellow and not swollen and it's just so amazing and wonderful. He's getting closer to normal each day and his lab values are all great and the timing couldn't be better so that now I can focus on dealing with my own injury and healing.

Good thing, too, because it was really awful there for a while. Right after the surgery it was very touch and go; I remember sitting in the ICU on Saturday July 20 watching all the blood pour into the wound evacuation container and watching them pour more in through wide-bore IVs and thinking very dispassionately "well this just isn't compatible with life. We can do this 24, maybe 48 hours but then he's gonna start dropping off organ systems."  Praise be the second-look operation that afternoon showed and fixed a bleeding blood vessel.  Only now can I even start remembering those early awful hours---I remember Eldest wanting to drive out on that Saturday during the day and using every single calm rational argument I could use to get her NOT to come till at least Sunday. I was soothing, I was kind, I was loving....and I was scared to death he might die when she was there at the hospital three hours from home, she'd break down completely and I'd have an extra car to deal with and not know how to get it or her back home again. Total soldier mode. Fortunately on Sunday when there was no stopping her coming by any means necessary he had turned that immediate corner.

But now it's settling down to pretty much normal. He still uses the stair lift but not -every- time and has commented on how he will know he's totally back to baseline again when he can call the company to have it removed. Because I was on the phone with my pre-op nurse early last Thursday morning he drove himself to his lab draw---I came downstairs after the call, wondered where he was and then went outside to see him just putting the car in gear.  I hopped into the passenger side, pajamas and all, to ride along and he did just fine. Decided to have me drive the six miles home again after the lab draws but hey, he did it.

I'm actually at work right now -- I stopped in yesterday and today to sign things and make an appearance before I get the Big Arm Sling. That's been good too as I was surprised and a little touched by how many people had missed me and how glad everyone was to have me back. Heartwarming.

I really don't know how I could have done all the things that had to be done this past  year if I had still been drinking. Badly, that's how.  Showing up hungover all the time and half-drunk sometimes, probably....no driving needed and there was a liquor store within walking distance. Back in 2002 I did hospice care for beloved Grandmom about half-lit about three-quarters of the time and although I held it together the way that we overdrinkers do I look back and see that I was making it harder on myself that way even though at the time I thought I -needed- it like medicine. Nah. Having done major healthcare stuff and other major stuff both while drinking and while sober I can say with complete assurance that majorly bad stuff is STILL better as a non-drinker. It's bad, but at least you can be there to deal with it and be there for the other people who are dealing with it.

I know a couple people in the really early stages of sobriety -- under a month to right at a month -- and I know it seems like one will never ever get out of that "this is really hard and awful" stage and sometimes it's just a challenge to get through each day but it DOES get better if you stick with it.  I had my back to the wall and felt really bottomed-out and awful a couple weeks ago with my husband's illness: we were at home finally but he was still just SO sick and weak and couldn't do -anything-  and we had visiting nurses all the time and had to make that drive every week and he had a wound-vac machine and I remember going around for at least three days in a row maybe more thinking "yeah we saved his life but this is NOT a whole lot better; this SUCKS this does and it's HARD and what are we even doing here and if this is how it's gonna be this is AWFUL and did we really do ourselves any favors here...." and if you pluck "we saved his life" out of that rant and replace it with "I quit drinking" it feels really familiar!!  Y'know what?  I rode it out and it got a lot better. Like a LOT-lot.

I'm keeping that in mind for my post-op state starting tomorrow.