Day 1207

This bum shoulder just colors everything a little bitter. I thought maybe it was just me and my own skewed perceptions but both kids have asked me several times if I were mad or, more commonly "what are you mad about?" when I don't -think- I'm mad at all. That's probably pain or fatigue from pain.

I am well aware that in many =many= versions of this story the old woman doesn't get any or enough treatment for the arm and it stays bum for years and is constantly Something to be Endured. So I'm grateful to be having the MRI tomorrow afternoon and grateful to be able to do as much as I am doing -- which is pretty much everything a little till the pain makes me stop.

The problem is that driving is painful. Not the steering wheel part or I'd stop even going the five miles into town (well, maybe not; too useful) but the radio and heater and other dash stuff are at the wrong angle. It hurts to mess with them. Stirring things hurts. Typing or mousing don't hurt much at the time but make it ache later...but I just now a couple days ago got My! Own! Computer! back so I'm going to be typing and mousing anyhow.

It's all so tiring. On the other hand, his liver numbers are absolutely fantastic. Everything is shaping up nicely from that viewpoint and I can see good progress from when we first came home. Still a long way to go but considering where we started it's pretty amazing.  Doesn't feel like it at all since we're living through it and it's still A Real Lot...but when one stops to think about it we've come an incredible way.

Which I suppose is why the big mess I'm having around food isn't entirely unexpected. I may or may not have mentioned buying a bag of Keebler Iced Animal Crackers which was how I knew I was just bottomed out, PTSD/adapting-to-change/maybe-depression wise...because I never buy them as I know I'll eat the whole sugary bag in a matter of two or at most three days. Well not only that but then I saw these "oh wow don't THOSE look interesting?" caramel cornflake cookie-type things at the Good Grocery and got them...and I've been doing a whole lot of nibbling that I don't need to be doing and the whole food thing is going completely to hell.
  
The trouble is that I still have all the issues in my life and relationships that pissed me off before the transplant and now not only is the main way they were working out (him and Eldest in NJ) not in play but now also I've had a frail sick old man. Getting less so, but still. With a bum arm. And the food is all tied to body image crap and sick/well crap that started in freaking preschool with my crazy anorexic Munchhausens mother and that ties into desire and desirability and that circles round to the relationships again and it was a lot easier with booze since one can -stop- booze but ya gotta fucking eat. Ya know? I had things in a really good place up until he got freaking sick and then it was okay for a while and then the whole freaking Hospital Event happened and now I’m right back to eating sweets like a drug. 

Well...it’s been worse but this ain’t great. But the iced animal crackers and caramel-cornflakes cookies are all gone so that’s a start. And I know not to buy stuff with maltodextrin high up on the ingredient list so I will not be standing in front of the cupboard pouring Molly McButter into my hand, eating it and repeating. That was way long ago back in high school but that whole "I have to at least _taste_ everything" for some deep unsettling impossible-to-name reason has been back like crazy lately. Gotta get a grip on it. 

I should cut myself a break -- not only is there Big Change here in the house now but I had two whole months of Somebody Else's Food Prep all the time and that's big. I had forgotten how little I care for just-myself-cooking and likewise forgotten that when one does take the time it's better. I had still eaten really well because there were a lot of easy healthy choices at the hospital cafeteria...but totally got out of the whole How To Food thing and that's just not a good place for me. 

I'm hoping by writing about it I can start coming to terms with it and getting to a better place.