Day 1325

An Interlude - not MY family at all for a change! 


Yesterday I had to go to a viewing. One of my favorite tech’s husband. I made the diagnosis right around Christmas off malignant ascites fluid. Bad adenocarcinoma with skin mets at presentation. Unknown primary - there was a lung nodule but nobody needled it and colonoscopy was negative.. Doesn’t really matter where it’s started as he died within a week or ten days. Little suffering. 

On Friday I got a panicked call from his doc who is a Glamour Girl I’ve never really liked all that much - either internal medicine or FP but quick got involved in the information system stuff because doesn’t like grunt work. Smart but not -as- smart as her elegant good looks have everyone convinced she is (yeah that’s probably some of my own ugly showing.)  Anyhow she said his widow wanted to know where the cancer started and asked her to call back and she was clearly nervous. So I calmed her down. Soothing words and tone. I said we’d never know for sure but given the whole picture probably pancreas. Which is a good thing to tell The Lay People anyhow as “pancreas bad” is part of the communal gestalt. So fine she wanted to babble on phone about how she kept suggesting he get this or that but he didn’t want the Co pays blah blah and I’m thinking that yeah, skin Mets at time of presentation kinda suggests really independent patient in a big way. I’m also thinking “ah...this is a bunch of guilt she wants shriven by me.” I -really- don’ got time but I say some  more nice things and tell her that I will be at viewing and that I will tell the widow same thing about pancreas if it comes up. Can’t do better than that, right? 

So fine, viewing HUGE. Whole town lined up. I never met or even heard guy’s name prior to diagnosing his illness so I am sucker punched to find he looks like my husband, was an animal nut like my husband, all the pictures are with their dogs, he clearly really loved family, they were married same year we were...I was hit with big waves of empathy and survivor guilt. Dealing with it but choking up myself because I’m instantly so sad. Guess who falls into line behind me? Glamour Girl Doc. Joy.

At least she doesn’t want to chat in line. So fine we get to the part of the people-snake where we can see the widow with adult kids on each side. The person in front of me is spending a really long time talking to an adult kid just in front of my tech the new widow. I’m patiently waiting because we don’t rush these things. Glamour Girl jumps ahead of me and the person to start talking to the new widow. Well, okay. Gets her outta there sooner, right?

I wait for the talker to finish, shake hands of the kids  “hi I’m Samantha I work with X—-” and get to the widow. She’s happy to see me; we talk. I do in fact repeat the pancreas thing but I was right; she doesn’t care where it started any more. Told me the one thing she regretted was bringing him to the hospital at the end. So that’s all fine.

I almost walked right by the viewing area as he was cremated and the little box was in front of a kneeler —where Glamour Girl was still kneeling after my extended wait and chat. Silent but eyes shut. So I waited...deliberately thinking nothing at all because who am I to dis any faith practice? Finally she crosses herself and leaves. So I kneel, make like I’m praying, look appropriate for what feels like enough seconds and get up to leave. I’m putting my coat on in the vestibule thinking “survived THAT and it was the right thing to do” when Glamour Girl pops up at my left putting HER coat on too.

Joy.

We walked out together and I got another version of how she feels bad he came to her with dysphagia and she wanted to get a CT scan but he didn’t want the copay and a lot more in the same vein and she used the phrase “and I -had- to respect his wishes” at least three times in less than five minutes and I was thinking “lady this isn’t -about- YOU” and also “the family must’ve known that’s how he was” (especially after what New Widow said about keeping him home.) 

So I said “Frost. The poet, you know? Frost?” (I said it that way because I could NOT come up with “Robert” —  my brain kept giving me “Jack” which I knew was wrong and John didn’t seem right either.) Anyhow she shut up and maybe nodded so I continued

“Frost said ‘ I hold it to be the fundamental right of anyone to go to hell in his own way.’”

She got a super shocked look on her face, said “or Heaven!״ and walked away fast the other direction.

So now I’m the asshole, right?