Day 769

Today was very productive - I  went slowly but I got stuff done. Mostly the stuff was getting the hallway around staircase painted.

Had a bad wave of pain after lunch but it went away after maybe 45 min and stayed gone. Took second Zantac before having a water ice (coconut - yum) and some crackers. So far so good. Will continue bland-bland diet another few days then start easing back to more protein  but figure I should stay on Zantac a full 10-14 days.

The pain was so bad and weird and piercing yesterday I had considered pancreatitis even though there was no good history for it.

And now to bed.”0

Day 768

Quiet day but I had bad abdominal pain all day. Last night I thought it was just rich food indigestion but the pain was there/came back in the morning and has been with me all day. Radiating to the back, associated bloating, no interest in food. A Zantac and TUMS helped enough that I had some rice cakes but now I’m in bed and the pain is back. If a weekend of babying doesn’t make it a LOT better I’m getting it checked out next week. My best guess is that I’ve gone and gotten a duodenal ulcer.

In any case it made the day hard so I went to bed at quarter past eight. When in doubt just go to bed.

Day 767

A pretty good day. No -new- crazy at least which is something.

A book I pre-ordered came out today and it’s even better than I hoped. Also saw another episode of the TV show I said I’d watch with my internet friend.

Really sad about the death of author Harlan Ellison - he meant a lot to a younger me. Before him I didn’t realize fiction could be -angry-.

Time for bed. I haven’t said it in a long time but it’s just so -nice- to always remember going to bed and never wake up dizzy and nauseated.

Day 766

Surprise! Today was a Big Family Drama day. Haven’t had one of those in a while.

I wish I had as much success with emotional eating as I’ve had with drinking. Ah well, nobody ever woke up with a three-cookie hangover.

Day 765

A good day.

Easy work day, Youngest liked her first day and I got more house-fixing-up done. Even in bed at a decent hour.

Happy Monday to all.

Day 764

Hard day. Didn’t think it would be but it was. Youngest graduating made me remember my own high school graduation and how weird it was and what a mess my birth family situation was. However in spite of my own strange emotional brew I made her a strawberry bagel to take with her to pre-graduation assembly partly because she was running late and partly to make a nice low key memory we could both keep. It was a happy coincidence I had purchased fresh strawberries during the morning shopping.

The event itself was hard because it is an outdoor venue but they have it rain or shine and it rained. Had to bring umbrella and chair and towel. And then Scylla and Charybdis, my in-laws, found me and were...well, themselves. Plus way tired from yesterday. Plus “in public.” Hard.

So I just went to bed. Not for the night as I have the lights on and door still open but just for some nice horizontal time. No energy for anything else.

I can hear Middle playing virtual reality video games with his buds online and I can hear Youngest online with her friends apparently just chatting. They are good kids. I should relax. It’s a whole new week tomorrow.

Day 763

I got so much accomplished today. It was great.

Tomorrow Youngest graduates. It will likely rain but even if it does theyveill have it at the outside venue anyway. Bring folding chair and towel and umbrella. Only if -lightning- will they move to indoor venue because only 4 people per graduate can go if indoors. Since class of 60 or 70 I think this wouldn’t be a problem but nobody asked me.

It feels good to be getting the house fixed up bit by bit.

But now sleep.

Day 762

Got my car back! Huzzah!

Just as last weekend was “finish cleaning out basement and closet” this weekend is gonna be “curtains.” Nothing fancy - whatever the local discount stores have - but I’m finally gonna cover up the ugly mini blinds in the family room and swap out the carefully draped sheet that Eldest was using before that room became ABLs and I got new light-blocking curtains for the master suite which are already up so I can see how well they block the light in the morning.

Sunday Youngest graduates high school - I’m still in total denial.

I have a drinks-appetizers thing for work on July 19 — already thinking to ask for pineapple juice and club soda. It’s at a serious enough place for there to -be- pineapple juice.

But now to bed.

Day 761: 2 Years 1 Month

A good day. Finally going to get the staircase fixed up.

Got printer ink and a good lunch and tomorrow should be equally productive. Gotta admit that I don’t mind ABL visiting his mother one bit. Didn’t realize till he was gone what a chunk of my mental real estate he uses.

Have so much lined up for this weekend. And Youngest graduates on Sunday. So glad I will be fully present for all of it.

Day 760

The meeting went far better than I feared. Of course it would be at least a little better since nothing is ever as bad as we make it out to be in our heads beforehand but this was downright good. Stunning.

Dinner with kids was good too.

Car still not ready and probably won’t be for another week but I have a rental car so it’s okay. Annoying but okay.

And now to bed. I realized late this afternoon that tomorrow is my two-year-one-month milestone.

Day 759

Easy work day and my new book-club book arrived but I have a really unpleasant noon meeting tomorrow and it’s tinted the whole evening. It’s a disciplinary meeting and there are no good answers or outcomes I can see but plenty of little bits contributing to a whole and all just so sad.

So I’ve gone to bed early. Was reading but fatigue rushed in like a fast ride so I thought I’d better check in before I fell asleep.

Planning dinner out as a treat for just living through tomorrow.

Day 758

Today it all started catching up to me and I was both tired and really sad.

But I have a good new book and have been lying down reading it all evening and night so that’s fine. It’s become orders of magnitude easier to be kind and caring to myself now than when I was drinking.

May fall asleep book in hand before 10 and that’s fine too.

Day 757

Eldest and SiL are safely back at the other house again. I’m glad of it.

It was stressful. Not for me but for her and also for Spouse, who had some custodial care of the girl-beagle, their new puppy and Eldest’s pair of guinea pigs.

Well okay it was plenty stressful for me being caught in the middle of everything. Ate way too many carbs again today and also took a very unusual afternoon nap. But I didn’t drink or even want to drink so I still win.

Wasn’t a very restful weekend though. Sigh.

Day 756

Accomplished day. Finally finished clearing out basement and master bedroom closet. Was harder that I thought it would be and took me longer than I thought it would but I am not too out of shape to do it and that was pleasing.

My new pattern book came yesterday and my new yarn came today so I started playing with that. Felt nice to just sit with my knitting.

Did the bulky grocery shopping and planned menus so I can do the rest of the shopping tomorrow.

And now sleep.

Day 755

Work drama and Home drama both oh joy.

Eldest and SiL drive up so they could see his family. They are staying till Sunday afternoon but probably going to be away from the house much of the time.

Middle is out with friends and I wore myself out cleaning and trying to rearrange stuff.

Ate too many carbs but didn’t drink or even want to drink so I still win.

Day 754

A good day.

Unpleasant email at work but it doesn’t affect me directly so there’s a small reprieve. However the actual work itself was light so when Youngest wanted a ride into town at lunch I decided to take myself to lunch and it was a good call.

I also got a fair bit more of the basement junk hauled out to the dumpster so that felt pretty good too. Things progress.

Day 753

Long day but I planned ahead: super easy dinner and no other anything. Bed at 9:30.

Plumber came and it was totally not even expensive. That was awesome.

Day 752

Long day but I got a lot done and my peonies are especially nice this year. That’s enough. The plumber comes tomorrow and Youngest will deal with him - so nice she is home and able.

It’s enough and my favorite mentor used to say that his grandmother always said “enough is riches.” She was right.

Day 751

Long day. Work still not great but I’m getting used to it.

Got more of the Avoided Closet cleared out today. It was harder this time and I had to tell myself more than once “yes she -did- love this [clothing] but she’s been gone 15 years now.” I did, however, find some cool stuff from when the kids were little so that was nice.

Tomorrow I take ABL to the doctor first thing.

Progress is being made slowly. Wouldn’t be happening at all if I were still a drinking person. Sobriety gives you back so much -time-. I’ve been taking it for granted lately.

Day 750

Accomplished day.

I waited around till 9 before starting the errands because I wanted to see if the hardware store could fix my broken pruning shears. The guy wasn’t there so I left them with a note — have no idea if that will work but I’m no worse off than I was before.

At the grocery I ran into MiL in the parking lot. We chatted about Youngest’s  performance in the school spring musical (stellar but we’re biased) and my loaner car (sucks but only she said so. Loudly.) Then when I got inside I saw two people from work I didn’t really care to see -and- The Woman Who Bags Other’s Groceries. Yes, you read that right. She’s my age plus or minus 5-7 Years, talker, pale-pale and has wavy natural blonde hair. Slightly hippie vibe. Shops every Sunday morning with reusable bags and her aged mother. If they get behind you in line she jumps ahead through empty lane and bags your groceries whether you want her to do so or not, apparently because she needs to make the process go as fast as possible. Does not respond to gentle redirect (“you don’t have to do that” “no, seriously you don’t have to do that.”) She is really good at bagging and as fast as good store help and the clerk just jokes “I told her she should apply for a job” so it is easier to let it happen than be That Person and have a fit and turn her all “just trying to help” hands-in-air defensive but it is weird and invasive and I always make sure to get in a different line.

That wasn’t great but it was eventually over. Then I...cleared stuff out of the garage into the rollaway container/dumpster. There’s more but it was a good start. Made red sauce and a new chicken recipe. Took four bags of clothing to a donation bin. Cleared a contractor garbage bag of stuff out of the long-neglected closet. Finished and blocked my shawl.

It was a very productive day but I’m achy now and already in bed. Tomorrow I have to stay really late for a meeting so I’m already planning to get the family McDonalds for dinner because it is easy. Tuesday I take ABL to the doctor and Wednesday I have to stay late again. So it goes.

Day 749

Tried to recover from the week. Did a decent job, I think. Ate too much but that’s not such a big deal. Will finish my shawl tomorrow and that will feel like a serious accomplishment.

Been hugely sad all afternoon and evening for no obvious reason. Just rolling with it. Out roll-off container (dumpster; big metal box) arrived yesterday so I’ve started mucking out my closet and it isn’t as awful as I thought it would be. Found my Avenue Q shirt for one thing.

Gonna try to take it easy again tomorrow.

Day 748

Another hard day.

Took car to collision center. Really dislike the rental car. As much or more than the last one and largely for same reason: bright -bright- blue.

Got home and discovered a leak in the basement. Got plastic tubs under the drips and have a plumber to call but really this has been a week!

However it was also opening night for Youngest’s musical which was charming and really well done. So there was that. And I can sleep in tomorrow which is also something.

Day 747

And I thought yesterday was bad.

Today in my first of 3 meetings I learned that my employer had to refinance its debt and the local bank with whom they banked forever was unwilling to do the re-fi. Along with some other ugly portends.

Good news is that I got the car stuff worked out.

Bad news: I had to have an extended conversation with MiL

I need to start trying to sleep but I’ve been too anxious. Sigh.

Day 746

Another not great day. Youngest had fender bender in school parking lot. Nobody hurt but the car needs enough work that the only place I’m driving it is to the collision center.

But we are all getting through it.

Tomorrow full of meetings.

I let Middle, who worked a double weed-whacking shift today (it rained yesterday) have first bath which means we are out of hot water. I have good intentions to stay awake for a bath tonight not a shower in the morning but it is ten and I’m lying down. Hell’s main highway is probably getting a new brick.

Day 745

Some days suck a lot and this was one of them.

It was mostly work but some home stuff too and I felt so down I did the essential stuff then went to bed at 6:15. Pajamas, covers, the whole bit. After a one-hour nap I felt slightly less awful and got some odds and ends around the house done and now I’m back in bed for real and hoping tomorrow is a better day.

I’m glad I’m not a drinker any more: crawling into a bottle at 6:15 would lead to a way worse morning.

Day 744 (2 Years, 2 weeks):

What a day.

Had a really awful noon meeting today: it became painfully obvious that a high ranking administrator wanted to fire a person but wanted to use the committee as the mechanism. It was ham-fisted and deeply disturbing even though it doesn’t affect me directly. Very sad, very anger-making...and of course the family were all heavily into their own lives which included drama from the other house. 

I haven’t wanted to run away from home this badly in a long time. Not gonna do it, obviously, but still. 

Guess they can’t all be gems. 

Day 743 (2 years, 1 week, 6 days)

I stayed in and got the things done I wanted to do but there was a background of family drama st the other house which cast a bit of shadow over the day.

Today’s biggest activity was the hard thing: plugged up holes in the basement drywall adjacent to the radiator and replaced cover/end caps. I -really- dreaded that but now it’s over. After fixing the outside holes where facing brick joined the wall last weekend.I only had the one snake on Monday (bringing the total to three) so I figured that after a whole week of no new visitors it was safe to conclude nothing was still lurking in the walls. I had been putting it off due to completely irrational and illogical - though no less real - fear that a snake would be just on the other side and slither out at me. But I sucked it up and did it.

Rewarded myself with the Memphis Junior League Onion Dip I made but I wasn’t all that terribly impressed with it. And I absolutely disliked the Irish Soda Bread I made from a mix for breakfast but they can’t all be winners, right?

Now I’m contemplating an early bedtime.

Day 742 (2 Years, 1 week, 5 days.)

There is no Day 741 entry because the internet went out last night. Back now.

Yesterday was really hard. After a week of much cleaning/rearranging and snake patrol (at midnight we hit 5 (!) snake-free days) Eldest needed - yea demanded - a whole lot of verbal emotional support and doing so was intense and draining. Of course I would do it again gladly in a heartbeat but it isn’t without cost. I was, however, very specifically grateful to be a couple years sober so I was able to DO the important hard thing. 

Today I will be relaxing as much as possible.

MUCH LATER:

Youngest’s class trip got in far earlier than expected — that was nice. I also did the shopping today which will be very nice when I don’t have to leave the house tomorrow at all.

Got some stuff done and that was good. Get to sleep in as late as I wish too. Also good.