Sunday, December 31, 2017

Day 590

New Year’s Eve.

Last night I couldn’t get to sleep and tonight I’m having trouble staying awake. If I hadn’t told the family - including my MiL - that I’d call at midnight I swear I’d just go to sleep now.

My audiobook started wearing thin last night and I started getting sick of it but was still curious whodunnit. Found a plot summary online and was glad I did because if I’d patiently listened to all that I would have been pissed. Turned it in early and now have s couple other things for listening instead.

Tried a couple new recipes today and put out the usual snacks. One of the recipes called for orange zest, orange juice and maraschino cherries so I made myself a Virgin Sunrise complete with fancy glass and everything. It was nice since I never ever drink juice.

Two more hours. Considering a nap. Dick Clark’s New Years Rockin’ Eve isn’t doing much for me. But hey Happy New Year everyone! Live long and prosper.

Saturday, December 30, 2017

Day 589

Woke up just as cranky as I went to bed last night but I managed to turn it around. Feel pretty good about that. I mean yeah sure maybe I would have been all done with angry anyhow but I’d like to think taking extra time and patience with myself helped more. I made the new recipe I wanted to try and for once something from FaceBook was downright -good- so that was a boost. The ratio of “hey this one’s a keeper” to “ugh, forget this” is at least 1 to 5 if not smaller which makes catching a good one all the better. Then I wanted to be -outside- cold weather or not so I bundled up with my new audiobook from the library thinking I’d go for a little walk but ended up shoveling  - well, more like scraping as there wasn’t quite a whole inch - the driveway and it was -so- cold that turned out to be a wiser plan as I could stop and go in when I got too chilled.

The book is _Girl On A Train_ which I knew had a lot of hype a year or two ago but what I didn’t know was that the female protagonist was an overdrinker. That made it interesting all by itself but the plot is good too. By the time I was done with the shoveling I was back to baseline again - the exercise and accomplishment did the trick.

In the afternoon Youngest and I made cookies -and- I finally finished the body of that sweater I’ve been knitting. Now I’m getting ready for bed with more audiobook till I fall asleep. I listened to my body and mind, treated myself as well as I could and felt better in the process.

All that and some laundry too. I think I’m ready for it to be the new year after all. Tomorrow morning grocery, tomorrow evening snack-y party-type foods and maybe a New Year’s Eve show of some kind...or flipping through several as they usually get annoying if I don’t. But it’s all good again finally.

Friday, December 29, 2017

Day 588

Another disgruntled kind of day...and when the temperature is as low as it has been the house gets drafty and my usual spot in the family room is uncomfortably chilly.

So I just went the hell to bed at eight-thirty. One kid is gone and the other is hiding out upstairs and it’s not like we ever hang out as a family anyhow so I might as well at least be -warm-. Also I probably need the sleep as I’ve been waking up a lot in the night. I’m so cranky I can hardly stand myself and sleep might help that too.








Thursday, December 28, 2017

Day 587

Another viciously cold day - cold enough to give me bronchospasm just walking from my car to the building- so it will soon be another early night.

Oh but I finally got the new sheets I said were going to be my treat a month or two ago - got 'em washed and on the bed for tonight and I'm looking forward to being all snuggled under them.

Otherwise it was a good day, all things considered. Better than many recent ones, apart from the weather that is. Tried another saw-it-on-social-media recipe and it turned out okay plus the box of Christmas cookies from Eldest down in the other house arrived so we're once again set for sweets...and until this bitterly cold weather breaks I'm not even all that upset about it.

The new year is coming and although I like sobriety all the time I particularly enjoy sober new year's eve. Even before I finally stayed quit for real I did the occasional sober new year (often because of guilt and remorse about Christmas drinking, sadly) and it was always a wonderful feeling to wake up on January 1 not the least bit hung over. I'm looking forward to it again this year.

Six hundred days is also coming up and then a week after that the 20-month soberversary.  Looking forward to that too. Digging into the second year of sobriety I've noticed that it's been different - not such an emphasis on the not-drinking part of it and more an emphasis on me-as-a-person. I suppose it's not that unlike a baby growing from newborn concerned only about eating and sleeping to a toddler starting to interact with the world in a more give-and-take manner.

But right now I'm going to go interact with my pillows; it's drafty where the computer sits.

Wednesday, December 27, 2017

Day 586

Another bed-by-nine kind of day.

Nothing bad happened but I was irritable all day. Maybe the suddenly -very- cold weather is part of it.  In any case it was one of those days where nothing felt good or right. Intellectually I knew things were as they should be but emotionally it mostly sucked.

Took the younger two kids out to dinner - that helped a bit...though I also had a big breakfast and regular lunch so I ended up eating more and moving less today than I have in a very long time. Am having to work hard not to get all down on myself for it, too. Yet another reason to go to bed - can’t hop on the train of self-loathing if I’m asleep. One of my big ongoing projects is to think of myself as well as I think of everyone else which is turning out to be much harder than I thought.

But hey, I’m one step farther along the sober path and that’s always a win.

Tuesday, December 26, 2017

Day 585

A bed-at-nine night.

Back to work and that was fine; family drama lessened and that was fine; easy dinner was fine and knitting with Netflix was fine...till it wasn’t. Got a big case of irritable for no reason I can fathom so I made tomorrow’s lunch and went to bed. If cranky = needs rest for a toddler it’s a good place to start for me too...my sobriety still -is- a toddler.

Monday, December 25, 2017

Day 584

Survived Christmas.

Yeah, that’s how it feels. Woke up early as usual - shoveled the scant bit of snow we got more to have something to do than out of real need. The whole split-family thing was particularly stressful today. Dinner with mother-in-law and her sister wasn’t great. Yeah, sure, everything could have been just -way- worse than it was and I -am- grateful it wasn’t worse...but it sure wasn’t any great winner of a day either. Yesterday was far better and I’m already looking forward to tomorrow even though it’s back to work.

But I didn’t drink and didn’t even want to drink...so that’s all good. Gonna be an early bedtime I’m sure as I’m sitting g here kind of stunned it’s only 8:30. Feels like it ought to be ten at least. But...sober. Yay for that.


Sunday, December 24, 2017

Day 583

A good day.

Made the best hummus ever - secret is to use dried, not canned, beans and process them still hot. Also made that good Thai curry for lunch again and some roasted rutabaga because the grocery had them in pre-cubed packages so I impulse-bought.

Listened to a comedian a friend of mine recommended - Russell Howard - and I had some good laugh out loud moments which was nice.

Stayed in my pajamas till it was time to go caroling at the hospital - that’s always a really good time and this year was no different. Came home, made dinner, lounged about -it was all just lovely. I may start doing the groceries on Saturday night as a regular thing.

It’s possible - unlikely but possible - the weather will keep us from going to MiL’s for dinner tomorrow.  Unexpected snowstorm with gusty winds - the warning is from 9 tonight till 7 tomorrow night. Not getting my hopes up but it’s not impossible.

This Christmas is so much better than last year. Partly because I didn’t just get a cast off my leg but mostly because I’m so much healthier. Emotionally as much as physically I think...and it all started with sobriety. Amazing what starts happening when you stop thinking alcohol can -help- anything.

If you celebrate - Merry Christmas. If you don’t, then enjoy the long weekend with all best wishes.

Saturday, December 23, 2017

Day 582

Today was all about the shoveling. Yesterday’s weather was snow followed by sleet followed by rain so there was a crust like breading covering the driveway with more rain falling. Water on top of ice equals zero friction but the plow guy only comes if there are at least two inches of snow...so I was scraping and pushing slush around intermittently all day. It was satisfying work.

Did the weekly shopping this evening as we are getting more snow in the night. That’s fine: I intend to make all kinds of food for myself during the day tomorrow so I will have it for next week. If I can move, that is...muscles all achy already.

Bedtime, I think.

Friday, December 22, 2017

Day 581

Finally a calm day.

Mailing the box turned out to be the most exciting thing all day long and I was fine with that. Work was so quiet there wasn’t even any new email past about 10:30 or 11.

While I was websurfing I saw someone’s Twitter request for “the best thing that happened to you in 2017.”  I immediately thought “May 21. My one-year sobriety date.” So yeah, even though I don’t actively think about it as much any more it’s still a huge deal.


Thursday, December 21, 2017

Day 580

19 months today.

Never thought I'd be here and it's definitely a good feeling but today was all about other stuff.

Had an unpleasant work thing first thing - this week has been a string of those. This one had a component of trust-breaching too, just like the thing last week.

But that paled in comparison to lunch with OML.  It wasn't as unpleasant as it could have been but it wasn't entirely easy either...and had a peculiar component. (It's late and I don't feel like going back through old posts so if I blogged this already please forgive the repeat.) I extended the invitation to lunch on November 26 and on the 28th we settled on Dec 21. That conversation ended with me offering her the choice of two places and completely open-ended timing. 

Didn't hear one thing from her for weeks. Figured that this Monday night or Tuesday morning I would message to see if we were still on and finalize a time. Meanwhile over this past weekend Middle had made some vague and somewhat hyperbolic noises about driving down to the other house for Christmas as his last final was on Tuesday afternoon. None of us, including himself, took it very seriously. But Monday noonish I got the following message:

OML: Afternoon, are we still on for Thursday? We can meet at Place Two. I scheduled an extra hour so I will not be rushed for time. SiL stated that your son was traveling to Other House for Christmas. Can I send SiL and Eldest gifts down with him? I can have them with me on Thursday.

After I was done having feelings about it I replied that I was glad she had messaged because I was planning to touch bases, that of course we were still on but that Middle's trip was FAR from a sure thing but  (here's the no-good-deed-goes-unpunished part) I'd be happy to take the gifts and if he didn't go I'd send them myself so she would be set either way. She made no further comments about the gifts but picked a time. That night I confirmed that Middle's trip -was- mostly just hot air and that he was -not- going to really go.  But hey, she might've picked up on the "not definite" piece and even if she didn't the post office was on the way back from the venue so how hard could it be to stop after lunch?

All during the lunch there was no talk of gifts at all so I thought maybe she'd played it the way I would have done, namely "oh if it's not for sure then no big deal I'll send them myself - better safe than sorry." Yeah, well, not so much. She had brought the gifts and when she found out I'd walked the 5 blocks from work to restaurant she immediately said she'd drive me back. "The gifts" turned out to be one really large tote bag stuffed full of wrapped items...and heavy. Surprisingly heavy. Heavy enough she was right about not walking back...which was fine since I'd have to find a shipping box anyhow. I made small talk while having a whole bunch of feelings on the way back to work.

Turns out the tote weighed 21.6 pounds on our bathroom scale...but I had a box just the right size. Well, if I took the two on-end clothing boxes out and put them flat on top, that is. When I did that I noticed a brand-new faux-needlepoint stocking stuffed just as snug as a sausage which would travel better turned on its side...and in the turning I noticed it was one of those pre-personalized ones with "SiL" on it. Not "SiL and Eldest" just SiL and there was nothing even remotely resembling another stocking anywhere in the tote bag - just wrapped things packed tightly together. Yet another opportunity for feelings.

Just as I'd returned from putting the sealed and labeled box in the car (I've already warned Eldest it isn't going to be there before Christmas) I got a call from MiL about ABL - she was supposed to pick him up for the holiday visit tomorrow but the weather is going to be lousy tomorrow so was there any way to get him early? I needed some things from the grocery so I volunteered to run him over to her place and she was appropriately grateful. We even had a "me and my brother against my family/me and my family against my tribe/me and my tribe against my country/me and my country against the world" kind of moment when I shared the whole Presents Event with her.

When I started putting my items on the belt at the supermarket I realized I had left home in my lounging-around clothes which meant my cards, money and such were still on the dresser. More feelings! One of those feelings was a sliver of gratitude that the cashier hadn't rung anything up yet.

Once I got back from the grocery the -second- time I finally ate dinner which unfortunately included too many sweet chili garlic pretzel bites. I've since thrown the rest away, bag and all: they aren't that good but are strangely addictive and trigger the eating of more non-pretzel-bites stuff (probably the dextrose and maltodextrin; I've learned over the years I'm sensitive to both of those that way) and also the garlic part lingers for Just Hours.

I was so busy having that feelings-filled day I didn't have any time at all to think of the new milestone I've just achieved...but it will still be there tomorrow. For now it's definitely bedtime.

Wednesday, December 20, 2017

Day 579

Good heavens tomorrow, in addition to being the solstice, is also my 19-month Soberversary. How ‘bout that?

I’m having lunch with the Other Mother-in-Law (my daughter’s husband’s mother hereafter OML)  tomorrow and even though it was my idea I have rather mixed feelings about it. The biggest reason driving my invitation was guilt and I’m thinking that’s not a terribly strong foundation for a relationship, even a fairly superficial one. Back when Eldest and SiL were moving, I ran into OML and in chatting about the kids moving she said something about “and we should let each other know when we’re going down to visit because we could maybe carpool or something.”  I thought she was just making polite social noises, I really did. I mean why on earth would two people who barely knew one another want to spend four and a half hours on the road together? And why would either of us want to spend what little vacation time we had sharing “the kids” with the other? So I made some sort of “yeah sure we’re both on FaceBook” kind of noise and never gave it another thought.

Till about 5 or 6 months later when I heard from Eldest that OML was kind of mad because she could telll from my FB posts I had been to the other house (where the kids had moved) twice and not invited her along either time. I found that to be, in the words of the late Carl Sagan, reasonably stunning information. Had some feelings about it too.

The truth of the matter is that I’m not -ever- going to invite her along on one of my vacations. I can, however, invite her to lunch which I did. Offered her the choice of two places and to pick the time which has resulted in a lunch far later than I usually eat at the place I like less. Such is the nature of the universe.

A good thing from today: my site visit was much shorter than usual so I had plenty of time to buy printer cartridges which we desperately needed. A bad thing from today: ABL is deliberately limit-testing again.

Still eating too much sweet and/or starchy stuff. Given all else of late I’m mostly just rolling with it...as long as I don’t lapse into the things I consider seriously disturbed. So I don’t hit the MyFitnessPal goals for a week or two - there are worse things.

That said, I’m damned well not making fudge again as having a whole batch right in the house meant that even though it was a piece or two at a time I ended up eating the vast majority of the half-batch left over after gifting. I had forgotten just how much I like fudge.

This is a sobriety blog not a food-issues blog so I’m done with eating-talk...other than to notice how eerily parallel a lot of the overeating is to overdrinking.

At least work is finally back to normal. That’s a help.





Tuesday, December 19, 2017

Day 578

Maybe things are starting to simmer down?  Had big unexpected surprise work issue which killed half the morning but got mostly caught up anyhow. Family stuff getting resolved. Had a big wave glum but got out in the unexpectedly sunny and warm day at lunch which helped a bit.

Not as crazy with the food tonight either...and gave the dog a bath. So go me. Now I’m all comfy on the couch so even though I was thinking of an early bedtime I might just doze here instead as the whole getting up, flight of stairs te-situate thing sounds like way too much work.

Monday, December 18, 2017

Day 577

Work was all about digging out from the backlog of stuff that didn’t get done last week.

Of course there was some family drama too - isn’t there always? 

Totally got fast food dinner - there was just No. Way. I was cooking; even something as easy as the chili on the menu. Fortunately the family thinks that’s a treat.

Good news: no urges or ideas or passing thoughts about booze or benzos either.

Bad news: had to go to bed a little before nine as a way of getting away from the kitchen where all the food is kept. Slid back into stress eating as if it were a comfortable pair of shoes. Can’t imagine why as holidays, work inspection, professional deceit if not outright betrayal, family conflict and issues related to keeping two households aren’t stress-inducing at all. I haven’t reached the super-dysfunctional point of standing in front of fridge or pantry needing to taste everything but I can see it looming through the mist not as far away as I would like. 

But hey, bed is safe. Nice clean sheets, Cody blankets, dog curled up next to me—a good place to be. 

Maybe tomorrow I will get caught up. 

Sunday, December 17, 2017

Day 576

Today was a hard day.  Not from a not-drinking perspective but from an emotional perspective.

Well, okay, a little bit from the not-drinking perspective: I found myself thinking in passing "ghAWD I wish I had access to benzos" and although I don't and never will that's still part of that whole slippery not-wanting-to-feel-feelings slope. Or at least -looking- at the slope. Which I suppose makes sense: I've got all the post-inspection work feelings, all the family-apart feelings all the two-households feelings and now there's this Christmas thing coming up and Middle had plenty of his own feelings today....sigh.

But I got through the day and didn't even massively overeat or anything.  Today when I did the shopping I -chose- the self-serve line over a real cashier so that I wouldn't have to stand behind someone I know from work and make small talk since I really don't like that person. Made a nice Thai curry for lunch today and two other days next week because it's way too cold for salad now. Used the excuse of getting gas (necessary) to poke around the Dollar General store for a very watered-down version of retail therapy: not so much the buying but the getting-out-and-away for a bit. Distracted myself with computer games. Did -not- eat every last holiday cookie or even -much- sugary stuff.  No more than any other day this week, anyhow.

Earlier I took a 23&Me questionnaire about stress and it became stunningly obvious that I feel like a lot of my life is totally beyond my control but also feel that I can still handle it. Don’t know whether that’s optimism or just stupidity!

DO know that I'm thinking early bedtime is a good thing for this day. Lunch is portioned and packed, dinner is done and stowed away in the fridge, nothing really appeals and I just discovered a brand-new patch of psoriasis so I'm thinking it's time to call it a night.

Saturday, December 16, 2017

Day 575

This day started off kinda lousy but ended okay.

Doggo threw up on the foot my bed in the night so I had two loads of laundry before I could start the clothing laundry I’d planned to do. Took forever to get air in the tire which was low because the sensors are hooked up wrong: the car was telling me passenger rear needed air but that turned out to be driver front. Filling passenger rear made the sensor for passenger front register overinflated so I had to then deflate it back to normal...you get the idea. Frustrating but now all four tires are properly pressurized.

Grocery, breakfast and shoveling felt accomplished but just left me glum: Spouse, Eldest and SiL won’t be coming up for Christmas and probably not New Year’s either and although intellectually I’m fine with that decision it got to me emotionally today. Distracted myself with another grocery trip  (out of milk) and then computer games....and eventually the mood passed. Moods always do but it never seems like it at the time.


Friday, December 15, 2017

Day 574


And finally this day is winding down. Soon I will be in bed with the covers pulled way up and a good book on my phone's Kindle app.

So many little frustrations along the way and then the big one: missing one deadline in January of 2016 led to -so- many citations in the survey...fully half. All fixed now, of course, but that doesn't make it feel any better.

Started the day with a low-tire-pressure warning from the car. First gas station's air hose broken. Second worked but every time the tires are either rotated or replaced they somehow manage to re-attach the sensors in a different wrong way. I filled the supposedly-low tire, broke a nail in the process, nearly froze my fingers in the 3-degree weather (three isn't enough degrees) and got back in the car only to realize the sensor was still saying that tire was low. Okay, fine, deal with it after work.

Work, in addition to the inspection, included too much regular work-work. Plus some family drama because after all when it rains it pours. Trip to post office at lunchtime. More work. A bit more drama. It crossed my mind that getting good and drunk didn't sound like a half-bad idea which was immediately followed by "better get some sober supports in place as soon as you get home - like maybe blog first thing?"

By the time I got home the urge had totally passed. I didn't want to drink any more. I wanted to have a tantrum just like a toddler but I settled for a cookie instead. Tried to print something only to discover the printer was - surprise! - out of ink. Well, fine. Added "stop by the new drugstore" to the list of errands ending in "pick up pizza for dinner."  Ordered the pizza - free this time due to frequent-patron "points" - and set out.

Gas station from this morning now had -broken- air pump. Swell. Drugstore had a place for my kind of printer cartridge but it was empty so I asked the nice clerk to look in back: nope, nothing. Went to a different gas station where the air was $1.00 for 3 minutes and filled what I thought was the correct tire...nope, wrong again! They didn't swap left for right this time so they must've swapped front for back but by then my three minutes were up. Have now driven something like -twenty- miles on the improperly inflated tire. Swell.

Shopping for odds and ends went okay and the pizza was ready so that was good. Came home, put on pajamas, ate pizza, ate sweets, called it a night. Except for the wind-down very minor family drama; can't go without that,

But hey, now I can transfer laundry from washer to dryer, go to bed...and sleep as late as I feel like tomorrow. Huzzah.

Thursday, December 14, 2017

Day 573

Praise be for Christmas cookies. I packed some for breakfast today and it was like having s little bit of stockpiled love in every bite. On a day which really needed it.

First thing this morning our 4 citations has sprouted 5 friends for a total of 9 which in the grand scheme of things is probably a fine number but which feels like a lot since we are usually in the 4-6 range.

Then I had that big drive and of course my head was full of nothing but that “everyone’s invited” thing from yesterday and I was still just undone. Si when I got back I fixed it by getting it canceled and the relief was stunning in its degree and physicality. I hadn’t realized just how overcome I had been; I don’t do rage well. I suppose none of us do.

Came home and did as close to nothing as possible. Except for eating way too many more cookies and fudge, that is. I had been doing really really well with the emotional eating but tonight I kept having one more of those tasty treats I had made over the past ten days. Plus a handful of almonds. Had to stop myself and leave the kitchen entirely when I realized I was standing in front of the open pantry nibbling a saltine straight from its sleeve.

I’ve since moved from couch to bed but am amazingly bone-achingly tired...this much angst drains a person.

Throughout it all, though, I didn’t want a drink at all so that’s full of win.

Wednesday, December 13, 2017

Day 572

What a day.

Three new inspection citations this morning bringing the total to four. Then too much work including several interruptions for -different- work.

Was pleased with myself for doing the lunchtime tasks exactly as planned even though it was bitter cold. Went back, did more work and then at 3:30 the rug was yanked hard out from under me. Email announcing the closing conference of the inspection was now open to -everyone- not just my department. My. Department. The one of which I am boss.

My head exploded, I scraped it all back into my cranial vault, tried to find my administrative-director-and-dyad-partner but of course he wasn’t around. Sent private email to the meeting organizers (COO & VP) saying I would have liked advance warning of the decision or better still to have been part of the decision making process. I’m sure if I had gone to the emergency room and asked for a blood pressure check I would have been admitted - never been that angry at work before and was lightheaded from it. Never thought about quitting before but did that too.

VP wrote back he had been surprised too. I vented a bit to him then had two back-to-back meetings and wasn’t back to my office till 6:15 when I learned it was -my-director’s- idea to do this open-the-summation-to-everyone bullshit. I was so stunned. I’m still stunned. He apologized profusely and said he realizes now he should have discussed it with me first and so on...but damn, just damn.

Got home and there was family drama too. Mild in the grand scheme of things yet One More Thing.

Despite all that though, I did indeed box up tasty baked treats to send out tomorrow. I rock.

I am also -really- happy to be a sober person too. If I were still a drinker this is the sort of thing over which I would have given myself permission to have “more than the usual weeknight amount” for sure-sure...and then I would have started the morning feeling like shit on top of everything else. SO happy not to be -there- any more.



Tuesday, December 12, 2017

Day 571

The inspection continues; it's going as well as such things go.

Came home totally tired, cranky and all-round pissy over all the things on my mental To-Do list but before doing any of it I had myself some fudge for dinner which helped immensely.  It isn't grainy at all. Taking time to get oneself in a better headspace is always well worth it because then everything afterwards goes better - slogging along "because I gotta get it done" is just throwing -handfuls- of pebbles into the bag of resentment.

Once the sugar kicked in I made dinner for tonight, a meatloaf for Youngest to bake tomorrow night and - best of all - the last of the holiday baking. Tomorrow I have to go to the bank so I'm going to combine that with getting those Express Mail boxes from the post office so I can send a nice chunk of all the goodies down to the family in the other house and another nice chunk to my dear friend in Hawaii which is why I've kind of been rushing because the cutoff to get something there by Christmas is the 15th. It's a surprise and would be just as good a surprise during actual Christmastide as opposed to Technically Still Advent but still.

The other thing I'm doing between the bank and the post office is taking myself to lunch again. This feels particularly indulgent since I took myself to lunch last week and on Monday I went to my monthly work-colleague trio lunch. However I'm not going to be able to have a nice lunch out or a bit of shopping on Thursday after my Big Loop as I'd planned because of the inspection so I figure doing it tomorrow, which is ahead of time, is a nice way to prevent resentment on the day itself when I end up swinging through a drive-thru and eating in the car on the way back up.

I'm still kind of in denial about Christmas itself though.  It's my turn to be on-call and since I'm already on regular call I also said I'd be willing to do special administrative call so I am required to stay local from 12/22 to 1/2. I don't really mind this as I've been to the other house in August, September, October and November. Plus the weather is always a variable. However SiL works retail and is thus likewise tied to -that- area so Eldest will definitely be staying down there with him. Me here and SiL there are the two fixed points in this constellation of emotional work; everything else is mutable. There have been many proposals.  Some are more appealing than others but given cars and weather and dispositions and such, what I actually -expect- to happen is that Spouse, Eldest and SiL will all stay there while Middle, Youngest, ABL and I all stay here...and "stay here" in this case will mean spending a good chunk of the day itself at MiL's apartment opening presents and having a bad meal with her and Auntie. Hence my denial. I'm not particularly looking forward to that and don't expect to enjoy it very much so I'm trying, over the next two weeks, to become more resigned to and accepting of it.

Who knows? Maybe something totally unexpected will happen.

Some year - not any time soon, I'm sure - I'll get to do what I -really- want over the Christmas holiday: Take a nice long vacation to a non-Christian country or two. Just skip the whole thing completely.

And so it goes.

Monday, December 11, 2017

Day 570

Today was a lesson in shifting priorities. All that stuff from last Friday which had me so upset flew clear off the radar because our every-two-years surprise inspection started first thing this morning.

Had a bunch of errands after work too but after those and dinner I made fudge for the first time in at least a decade...and it turned out! A combination of worry it wouldn’t set, too-small glass of ice water (couldn’t reach in) and inaccurate thermometer meant it got a bit overdone so I fear it may be grainy but the sliver I cut off one edge was not as bad as I feared. So maybe once it cools the magic of chemistry will make it nice.

Candy-making is definitely something happening because of sobriety. Booze and boiling sugar solutions just don’t mix.

Sunday, December 10, 2017

Day 569


The day started poorly but ended better.

Woke up out of sorts and the shopping was horrible: I waited till I knew they'd have non-self-serve checkout lines but it was crowded and there was a lot of restocking going on so the aisles were very clogged. Also I was dragging around a lot of pebbles in my bag of resentment over having to do the menus and the shopping and the meal prep in the first place.

When I got home I made the decision that I wasn't doing anything else at all today apart from dinner - and I was in such a bad mood immediately post-grocery that "dinner" might have been the family sized Stouffer's mac-n-cheese I had in the freezer as backup and not the chicken fajitas I planned. No Christmas baking or fudge-making either...I was way too Grinch-y to even think about holiday festivities.  Other than to set them on fire, that is.

NOT powering through all the stuff on my hypothetical it-would-be-nice-to-do list and giving myself permission to do nothing at all was very helpful.  Self-care means "don't pile on." After a nice lie-down I was able to at least wash the peppers for the fajitas, thinking all the while "I still don't have to make it. See what I feel like when it's time. They'll keep in the fridge." I also told myself that if I didn't want to EVER do any more Christmas baking than what I'd already done that was fine too. It wasn't an obligation, just an idea.  That helped too: instead of letting the resentment build I let it dissipate.

After an afternoon of computer games I felt quite a bit better - amazing how much permission to goof off helps. I considered going ahead with the fudge but thought it was wiser to stick with just dinner instead. Moving away from Grinch Who Incinerated Everything was good enough; no need to jump right back into Suzie Homemaker. So that's what I did.

It seems ridiculously easy in retrospect to respond to "Waah!  The important thing was icky and hard and yucky!" with "Aw, that's too bad...it needed done though so to show thanks and appreciation let's just have you take the rest of the day off." In practice, though, it's all too easy to ignore or "power through" the voice saying "hey, wait a minute!" That's not a good idea though because resentment is a big ol' alarm clock for the Drink Now voice. Pro-active self-care, on the other hand, keeps it asleep the way it ought to be.

Saturday, December 9, 2017

Day 568


One of the nice things about not drinking in response to a really lousy day is that you don't end up carrying the lousy into another day.  When I got up this morning - half hour later than usual - I was able to just put aside all of yesterday's nonsense and move into cookie-baking mode.

I did lemon bars, pecan tassies (miniature pecan pies made in a mini-muffin tin; it's a Southern US recipe and I have no idea why they are "tassies.") and sugar cookies then decided I'd had enough and had a nice lie-down then a walk in town with my audiobook. It started snowing during my walk so I put the car in the garage when I got home. That's relevant because I'd planned to make fudge tonight then realized the fudge needed butter, of which I had none having used it all on the earlier baking. Didn't feel like going back out in the snow so I put the fudge on hold.

One thing I notice though: even with using freshly-squeezed lemon juice which has sat around marinating with the lemon zest for a while the lemon bars just aren't really all that lemon-y. This is a bonus to Youngest, who doesn't much like lemon, but it is an annoyance to me because the recipe doesn't call for lemon extract but clearly that's what is needed.  Doesn't call for yellow food coloring either but that would be how to get them looking all pretty. The sugar cookie recipe has an excellent texture (uses oil and powdered sugar in addition to butter and granulated sugar) but even with vanilla extract it doesn't have the same intense Sugar! Cookie! flavor of the kind you buy in a tube in the dairy aisle.  It's both interesting and somewhat annoying that all the artificial flavors and colors have changed our collective palates.

Tomorrow will be the grocery shopping as usual, of course. Have the menus planned and the list already written. Need to remember to stall and head out a little later so they have a real cashier line open.

And so it goes.

Friday, December 8, 2017

Day 567

I never write in the morning but I am so angry right now that I need to vent everywhere I can.


Got to work very early this morning because Youngest had 7am jazz-choir practice. As I mentioned yesterday, today is the first day of Bet doing all of the office work usually done by three people (and till recently shared among two.) Bet was off Monday and Tuesday of this week to take her mother for eye surgery at BigCenter 1.5 hours away from here.


Just now Bet told me she would be off all day this coming Monday to take her mother to a follow-up appointment at BigCenter.  I probably wasn't as tactful as I could have been when I said "Oh!" in tones of surprise and asked "so who will be answering the phones?"  Turns out Manager will be answering the phones.  I don't know who, if anyone, will be doing any of the other administrative work. That was startling enough but Bet then went on to explain that she will be off one day a week for the next eight weeks because her mother needs weekly follow-up at BigCenter.  She will be working four 10-hour days instead of five 8-hour days because she “has no time left.” 


I do understand that people’s families come first and I understand that we don’t always get the timing we like but I am pissed as hell that I am only finding this out NOW after it’s a done deal as opposed to earlier when I could maybe have used my political capital to ask for some locums help or at least someone to sit at the front desk.  I am FURIOUS that not only will there not be anyone at the front desk one day a week for the next eight weeks but also I didn’t find out until today. I can only assume Manager didn’t know about this extensive follow-up either until Bet came back...but the piece which is angering me the most and has me typing so my head won't explode is the fact that Manager, without getting clearance from anyone, decided it was okay to let Bet work the four 10-hour days so that these appoinments won't affect her pay.  Yeah sure, it's nice to be nice, but the generally-worked hours are 8:30 to 4:30 and the common rule is that when someone is out of vacation and sick time they take any further time as UNPAID time.  We do not HELP the employee screw over the department...and although I may be mean-spirited in thinking this, I suspect that if the time were going to be unpaid, Bet might have been more likely to work out other options like getting other family members to help and/or finding transportation services. I'm even more furious with Manager than I am with Bet.


But I'm doing the self-care thing: walked to the far cafeteria to get tea, vented here, vented in email to my "Administrative Dyad Partner" (the lab director who is Manager's boss) to ask for possible solutions, vented to a friend in email....and now to all of you fine people. A couple years ago this would have been, at not even eight-thirty, the trigger for THIS Friday night to be an extra-big drinking night but no longer...and that feels good.  I'm going to take that good feeling into the rest of the day with me and see how it goes.

------------------
MUCH later:

Dyad Partner/Director talked to Manager and the story he got was that Bet -did- in fact have sick time and/or vacation time but Manager -asked- her to do the four tens instead of unpaid time so as to not lose eight hours a week of work. I sat right there and said "Oh well that's better" and also "I'm glad to be wrong, then."  However about a half-hour later I realized both that he had never followed up on the other thing I wanted to know which was "did Manager know about all these extra days off ahead of time or did she find out today just like I did?"and also "wait a minute...'has no time left' is pretty specific."  So unfortunately even though I tend to think the best about everyone and don't -like- being untrusting, my suspicions have been raised. It is quite possible that Manager lied to Director about the four tens being her idea and the more I reflect on it the more I feel like I was "handled" as in "calmed down/mollified/pacified" by Director rather than having my concerns addressed. He was awfully quick to point blame back at the HR department and the hiring freeze not letting us post/interview/fill the position sooner as the bigger issue rather than talking about my issues too.

But in any case I can put it out of my mind till Monday. I also took myself out to lunch, cold though it was, as a reward for dealing with all this shit. The grilled cheese wasn't anything to write home about but the tater tots were absolutely perfect which was as it should be--the place I chose is known specifically -for- tater tots as a side dish instead of fries.  It was way more than I'm used to eating at lunchtime so I took a walk afterwards but was still bloated all afternoon...which is okay.

Self-care included the usual Friday night pizza and more lying around on the couch. Also a small ice cream sundae after dinner even though I'd had a huge lunch.  Now it's time for a nice early bedtime and since it's Friday night I can sleep in as late as I like tomorrow which will be nice....and I plan to make tomorrow a big cookie-baking-and-freezing day. Just looked over my recipes and I think the order will be lemon bars, sugar cookies, pecan tassies.  Then possibly fudge if I haven't totally worn myself out. Speaking of cookies...I decided those sesame cookies I deemed lousy yesterday aren't so bad after all. Had some with breakfast today and another one with my sundae.  Although I wouldn't try to pass them off to anyone else and expect them to be liked, I think I'll be keeping the frozen dough after all.

Self-care is way better and far more productive than sloshed.




Thursday, December 7, 2017

Day 566

Better day. Sleep -did- help and I think I’ve finally beaten back whatever stupid sickness was trying to take root as I had more energy than the whole rest of the week combined.

On the other hand today was the good admin assisstant’s last day. My office is usually staffed by three office people - let’s call them Alef,  Bet and Gimel. Bet started out as a transcriptionist but grew into a more general admin assistant over the years especially once the electronic system with voice recognition became widespread. She is capable but easily stressed and a big-time complainer. Alef was the personal admin to the previous boss who also grew into a more general admin assistant over the years. Gimel was the front-desk person who replaced Vav - how I miss Vav; she was the best admin assistant I’ve ever had so of course she moved on to bigger and better things which is excellent and I don’t begrudge her...but boy do I miss her.

Anyhow, Gimel gave notice and quit. Bet was her backup so it made sense for her to apply for and get Gimel’s position although the duties were a bit of a reach and the public-facing part was a big reach. Bet has been in the new position a couple months and is struggling but mostly getting it done. Had to be coached about not complaining so much and especially not to people in the visitor chairs. Alef was picking up slack and things were going okay though everyone wanted to hurry up and get the backfill of Bet’s old position posted and hired because there was a little too much work for two especially as Alef and Bet don’t like each other much. But...hiring freeze. Then Alef announced she was going out on medical leave for a knee replacement, coming back for one week in early March and then retiring. Panic ensued. After much pushing we got approval to post and hire -one- of the two open positions but that approval came on Tuesday.

So now the whole department, which usually runs with three admins, is going to be doing it with just one, the easily stressed often-whiny Bet, for the foreseeable future. Color me thrilled.

Came home and tried a new-to-me sesame cookie recipe. Flop. Picked the recipe because it also had pistachios in it. I love both so what’s not to like? Plenty. Probably screwed up the metric to English conversions as dough was ridiculously oily. Baked up okay but not flavorful and not sweet enough to be something readily identifiable as “cookie” either. I should not have made a double batch - stopped baking after first 2 dozen but couldn’t bring myself to pitch that much dough (yet, anyhow) so it is now languishing in the back of my freezer. I will make something else instead...which is probably just as well as suspect I am the only one who would have eaten them even if they were “tasty” by objective standards anyhow.

Still...it was kind of demoralizing. Good excuse to crash on the couch and message with a friend of mine though and that was nice. Once again it will be time for bed very soon and tomorrow is a pretty light day. Gotta say...cooking sober is way more efficient than cooking with a drink in hand despite all the cultural/societal cues to be doing the latter. Tipsy cooking may seem more fun at the time but it is - well, was for me anyhow - way messier and always leaves the dishes for the next day. Tonight I had the washing up done before the non-cookies had even come out of the oven.

Wednesday, December 6, 2017

Day 565

Trying to keep a balanced perspective but right now sad is winning.

The universe threw all sorts of little kindnesses my way today: co-worker bought my tea this morning, another co-worker brought gifts from her trip abroad and the drive-thru worker was beyond the usual level of nice. Yet still various family dramas weigh heavily and suck the joy right out of me again. Wish that I could let it all roll off me but feelings just -are-; they can’t be logic-ed away.

No urge to -drink- over any of this and I’ve managed not to succumb to the overeating All The Carbs urges either and those two facts alone should give me some satisfaction and maybe increased self worth...but what I mostly am is tired.

So after doing nothing but lie on the couch after dinner - wait, that’s not true because I did two loads of laundry and also cleaned up after dinner. After -mostly- lying around on the couch after dinner I’ve moved to bed. Whether it’s physical or emotional or a combination of both, sleep will help.


Tuesday, December 5, 2017

Day 564

Busy day.

Had to take ABL to the doctor (med refills) at 8 then reward him with drive-thru breakfast, get him settled at home and take the car to -its- appointment at the shop for sluggish starting.  As I was sitting there eating my own breakfast between appointments I thought to myself "mustn't forget to lay out his lunch before I go" and what did I end up doing? Forgetting to lay out his lunch before I went...and didn't realize it till 1:30 when I was hungry and getting ready to go buy my own lunch from the cafeteria. Fortunately home is only about seven minutes from work. No harm done.

But that makes the third bit of serious forgetfulness in a week and that worries me.  Last Tuesday I completely mixed up "quesadilla" with "chimichanga" even though I've had both many times....ordered the former thinking I would be getting the latter and only after the food came did I realize my mistake. Sunday night into yesterday morning I thought I was having lunch with my friends even though I knew lunch was set for the 11th and the appointments were on the 5th...for some reason there was this curious blank spot making me think that yesterday was the lunch. Also for some reason I've been having a really hard time remembering today is Tuesday, not Wednesday.

Spouse says it's stress and he's probably right but I'm still uneasy.  I've never been a forgetful person, never mixed up days and only once in my entire life lost track of an assignment because it was due the day after the calendar page flipped. That was my freshman year of undergrad and I've always kept a continuous six-weeks-at-a-glance calendar somewhere easily seen to avoid that ever happening again. So this is definitely unusual.  I'm keeping track now, though, and if they keep happening with the same frequency into the new year I'll figure out what kind of professional I should go see. Neurology probably.

But now I'm going to bed - still with this intermittent headache and scratchy throat and sleep is always a good answer for whatever the question might be.

Monday, December 4, 2017

Day 563

Another night of crazy dreams, waking up twice and then sleeping past usual time only to wake with a headache. Thought today was my colleague lunch so didn’t pack any only to realize when I got to work that no, the lunch is -next- Monday. Then realized I had a headache getting worse not better and could have fallen asleep standing right there in my office with my coat still on. Youngest was extra-tired this morning too - must be some illness afoot.

On the other hand my stupid noon meeting was less stupid than usual because it confirmed the more positive (to me, anyhow) interpretation of recent work-politics events. Plus I got to leave at four which is always nice.

Saw a social media video which gave me mixed feelings: “virgin” holiday drinks like mulled “wine” and hot buttered “rum.” Although I think it’s nice to have an alternative, any alternative, to all the extra over-and-above-usual boozing I thought the drinks themselves looked kinda icky and that fake versions of real booze were sort of lame compared to something original that wasn’t trying to be something else. Don’t want to rain on anyone else’s parade but it’s definitely not my thing. Of course I don’t like fake flowers, either.

And on that note I’m going to bed as I have both an ABL appointment and a car appointment tomorrow. The Great Cookie Caper continues...did the. 7-layer bars while the chili simmered as those aren’t real cooking and also ground the pistachios for sesame cookies. Got out first Christmas card today which reminds me I gotta do those too - forgot an obligation. Fortunately there are very few to do - less than ten for sure.

I was sober last Christmas too but this year it seems to be overall happier. I’m all for that.


Sunday, December 3, 2017

Day 562

A good day. There was early morning family drama which annoyed me because I wanted to get to the grocery before it got crowded but it worked out to my advantage: after nine there still aren’t many people but they open up a non-express real-cashier checkout line. I had been fully prepared to do the whole self-serve thing again but praise be I didn’t have to.

Decided not to get lemons yet as I’m not at all sure whether lemon bars will freeze but I did order myself a 9x9 pan. Plus started planning a line of attack: tomorrow will be 7-layer bars because they are ridiculously easy and will totally freeze well since they’re basically just candy. Or not, depending on my mood. The beautiful thing is that there is no rush and I only have to do as much as I want. I could get fed up and ditch the whole project and it wouldn’t hurt a thing.

More family drama later in the day but I didn’t let it get to me. Progress!

And now sleep.

Saturday, December 2, 2017

Days 560 and 561

Wow I totally spaced writing a post yesterday. That’s because I came home so out of sorts I ended up going to bed way early and then falling asleep right away. Wasn’t a bad day or anything just one of those evenings where nothing appeals: not my computer toys, not my yarn toys, not my book toys...nine of it. Didn’t want to drink but didn’t want to do anything else either.

Today, however, has been much better. Spouse had a big EBay box which I needed to re-label and send down to the other house (EBay only lets you ship to billing address) and I was feeling some resentment about it so I took myself for breakfast afterwards and that was a really smart choice. Food made by someone else always tastes better and I can’t remember the last time I had a -hot- breakfast. Was very nice. The cafe was pushing the booze though: in addition to Mimosas, Bloody Marys and Screwdrivers all being listed on the breakfast menu they also had a breakfast -drink- special which today was Bailey’s in coffee. I suppose if you are a tourist it isn’t unreasonable but damn, even decades ago when I didn’t think I had a drinking problem I would never have started that early because it could only lead to disaster. Different strokes for different folks, I guess.

After breakfast I was brave enough to stroll over to the sidewalk I mentioned and they -did- fix it. Was surprised to find, in among the relief, a bit of disappointment that my feet were -not- forever memorialized in front of the Presbyterian Church.

When I got home I put butter out to soften. You know that saying “be the change you want to see in the world”? Well for the past week or so I was thinking maybe I should be the Christmas I wanted to see in the world. The one thing I -do- like about the holiday is the cookie trays - you know, where there are a bunch of different kinds and often fudge or that stuff with colored mini marshmallows in white chocolate. (Upon reflection, the cookie tray was something -no- body in my family did...of course -that- isn’t significant hahaha...) Well since I had all the obligatory gift-stuff done and had already decided I wasn’t doing any decorating I felt positive enough about everything to say “y’know what? Let’s do it. Make a batch here and there and freeze it all and then won’t you be all set?!?”

Plus there was a vegan gluten free recipe for peanut butter chocolate chip bars I had to try because curiosity was killing me. It was first on the list. My own feeling was “meh” and Youngest was “not a fan” so I will see what the people in my office think on Monday. Belle’s shortbread, on the other hand, was a huge hit. Most of it is already in the freezer for safekeeping as it would have gone very quickly otherwise.

While I was doing the baking Youngest decorated - how cool is that?! I was really happy to see lights and a tree go up so I guess there is a difference between being Scroogey McGrinchface and just not wanting to add onto one’s To-Do list. Things could change, of course, but right now I’m feeling better  and more excited about Christmas than I have in several years.

Also I made sure to get the bulky/heavy stuff (beverages, cat litter) at the grocery this evening so that when I go tomorrow morning I can use the self-check out. And now I’m taking time out to have a nice lie-down and appreciate my fine forethought.