Saturday, March 31, 2018

Day 679

A calmer day.

Still utterly exhausted and with scratchy throat but I didn’t have anything in particular planned so no big deal. ABL is spending a week with his mother so food is generally far more low key. Went to the health food store for the first time in ages because I needed coconut milk powder for anew recipe I’m trying and ended up buying several things I totally didn’t need but one of them was brown bread extremely similar to the kind I enjoyed so much in the breakfast buffet of the cruise I took in 2016  which was weird because I had -just- been thinking of that bread last night.

Carry out dinner, reading and then knitting with an audiobook...just all low-key and nice.

Friday, March 30, 2018

Day 678

Well technically it is the very earliest part of day 679 as it’s just past midnight which is unusual for me even in a Friday.

That’s because I’ve spent the last 90 minutes offering text support to Eldest who is living through the rough situation of someone she thought was a friend attempting to take advantage of her. She’s not going to let that happen but it brings out many emotions.

Earlier I took the other two kids out for dinner and we all had a really good time.

Also - it’s the silliest and minor of things but I’ve noticed several times this week how -much- better my skin looks now that I’ve quit drinking for so long. Possibly because going to bed sober and waking up not hung over means that my new plan to use toner twice a day has actually been successful. In any case it’s a nice thing.

And now I need to start trying to unwind and get some sleep - even though it’s Friday night I don’t want to shift my sleep schedule -too- much.

Thursday, March 29, 2018

Day 677

Weird day.

Had a drinking dream in the night - first in ages and ages. It was a _near_ drinking dream, actually, as  the glass was right up to my lips when I realized “but wait! I don’t drink! No way am I starting all that over again!”

Then we finally had our inspection at work which we’ve been anticipating for almost a month. It went really well (no findings/deficiencies at all!) but still made for a weird day.

And of course there was various family weirdness scattered throughout.

But I got the button band of my sweater started and I think I’ll be able to finish it if not tomorrow night then sometimeover the weekend for sure. So that was good. Not so good is speaking to people who have been drinking though -even the pleasant ones bounce from topic to topic and repeat themselves a lot.

Wednesday, March 28, 2018

Day 676

A better day even if I didn’t get to have a walk.

Still family drama but it is somewhat less and I’m getting better at managing the telephone aspect of it.  Paced myself at work so I didn’t get stressed there and it was an easy dinner so I didn’t get stressed there either.

Best of all I got my sweater pieces assembled. Still have to knit on the button band but I tried it on without and it fits so that’s good. I also practiced using the timer in my cellphone camera so I can take pictures for Ravelry when it’s all the way done. Put some thought into the lighting and backdrop too. Happy with how it’s all coming together.

It’s just so nice to be clear-headed enough to -do-things- after dinner.

Tuesday, March 27, 2018

Day 675

What a day.

So much family drama by telephone. Got -really- mad at one point so I used that as my cue to walk downtown for the one errand I had...and it helped. A lot. Now that’s ta in the mid-forties and sunnier i hope I remember to use movement, preferably outdoors, as a de-stressor again in the future because you - know it’s gonna happen again.

Also I bought myself a pair of Yellow Submarine socks as a treat for dealing with as much drama as I have already this week and it’s not even Wednesday yet. But I blocked the two sleeves and tested the buttonhole design so tomorrow I can actually start -finishing- my sweater. Which means it will probably be all the way done-done by the weekend. Or the end of the weekend, anyhow.

I just can’t even imagine dealing with this crazy life of mine as a drinking person- it would be so _much_ harder.

Monday, March 26, 2018

Day 674

Big case of the Mad Reds today.

Woke up to no heat and then had a difficult provider at work. Those were the two things too many today.

Fortunately Youngest was Home to greet the Furnace Guy so that problem got solved. I got chocolate on the way home from work and that helped too as did a -super- easy dinner (reheating leftovers from the freezer - thanks previous self!)

Then I napped on the couch till it was time to do the nightly routine and then bed. They can’t all be exciting days.

Sunday, March 25, 2018

Day 673

It was a good day. Got the shopping done early, bought a -really- nice pineapple for super cheap, put on a good dinner and even finished the sweater sleeve. Everything was just delightful and I was putting new sheets on the bed thinking it would be a nice night and after I got in bed I’d call the Away family...

...but they called first and it just wasn’t a good phone call at all. Sometimes it’s like that. And it really sucks to end a good day on a bad note but we don’t get to choose what other people say or do. We can only choose what we do...and I’m calling back.
———-
Not much later...

Well, that time around things ended on a better note. There’s still room for improvement but at least now I can get to sleep and get ready for a whole new week.


Saturday, March 24, 2018

Day 672

Not an awful day but not wonderful either. More long distance family drama, naturally. On the other hand the audio book I couldn’t keep renewing from the library (Commonwealth) was once again available so when I wasn’t getting phone calls or feed I g family or tending to pets I had something really nice for knitting - and I’m about half done with that second sleeve.

The booze thing is going great but the food thing isn’t going all that well. Too many sweets recently. Not binge-type amounts  and I’m doing pretty well with not eating -while- I’m upset but I’m still into the carbs in an emotionally driven way. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Bedtime now though - Saturday night or not, sleepy has hit with a vengeance.


Friday, March 23, 2018

Day 671

Big freakin’ family drama this afternoon. All of it based at the other house so I’m only peripherally involved but it was still enough to cast gloom over the evening.

Had errands downtown so I took myself to lunch - it was way more food than I’m used to eating but damned if I didn’t turn around and have a too-big dinner also. Mostly because I finally got the little apple fry-pies I’d been intermittently contemplating all week. Between the lousy mood from family stuff and the bloatingness from too much food I’ve done nothing but lie around in thecouch when I had planned to make major headway on my sweater sleeve. But such is the way of the world.

Maybe tomorrow will be wonderful.

Thursday, March 22, 2018

Day 670

Nothing particular to write tonight. The day had both ups and downs with some good and some bad. It was all easier sober than it would have been either hung over in the morning or buzzed then drunk in the evening. And I’ve got a good book for bedtime.

Wednesday, March 21, 2018

Day 669 22 Months

A decent day. Bought myself some Kindle books and got napoleons to have as a treat. The family said congratulations but weren’t otherwise particularly impressed. In addition to the pastry I ate way too much other sweet stuff and have been overfull ever since but that’s okay.

Spent a nice amount of time knitting and am now going to have an early bedtime...well, early-ish anyhow.  Sleep is always a fine thing.

Tuesday, March 20, 2018

Day 668

Today the brain rebelled. All the emotion from all the family drama and work stuff and never ending winter stuff caught up with me. The new single-serving microwave brownie mix I bought yesterday and to which I’d been looking forward turned out to suck and the new pair of pajama bottoms packaged as the size I needed turned out to be unlabeled and thus irregular and not the right size after all.

So I did what I had to do and collapsed on the couch. Finished another book which was really good but also really depressing sobtgat was a mixed bag and I feel at loose ends and uncomfortable in my own skin the way it used to be back in the early stage of being sober. I know it will eventually pass but it’s not a bit pleasant living through.

Suspect I’ll be going to bed wicked early tonight. Like maybe now.


Monday, March 19, 2018

Day 667

Unusual morning posting but I felt like sharing. Today I have to do the really long “Big loop” of site visits and my reward is to stop at the local Walmart afterwards. I’m far more excited about that than I ought to be. Possibly because I won’t ever make the half-hour trip -just- for a discount department store, possibly because I’m going to get some more pajama bottoms and possibly just because it’s something different. In any case I hope it makes the drive less unpleasant and am grateful to be feeling good and anticipating -anythjng- first thing in a Monday morning. Y’all know how it used to be.

MUCH later:  Had a great day. Both site visits went really quickly and I got the good shrimp salad I like from the chain restaurant before shopping.

Walked back into the office to find some mega-big news about the company’s leadership — doesn’t affect me directly but was certainly interesting. Would have liked to talk about it with the family tonight but as per usual they were all hip-deep in their own drama.

But hey, I finished one of the two sweater arms tonight so go me. I’ll eventually get to sleep and wake up genuinely rested so I can be fully functional for another busy sober day. I like that.

Sunday, March 18, 2018

Day 666

A good thing about living in The Hinterlands is that if your pajamas are a solid color knit pant and a T-shirt the coat allows you to do the shopping without ever getting officially dressed. I had been to both grocery stores by 10 so I had a long bath and swapped one pair of pajamas for another. Decadent.

Then of course the family drama kicked in but I managed to avoid the vast majority in favor of knitting peacefully in my room. Made dinner and was all set to do more knitting but then all of a sudden exhaustion hit. Which is fine..,the sleeves will get done eventually. It was just as well as the telephone dragged me back into the family stuff.

Upon reflection a good chunk of the current round of family drama has been exacerbated by alcohol but of course one can’t say so to any of the drinkers. Never helps.

It does, however, make me grateful yet again that I’ve left that particular amusement park behind. Which reminds me: Wednesday will be 22 months.


Saturday, March 17, 2018

Day 665

A good day. Slept in about half an hour which was enough to feel a bit indulgent but not so much as to throw off my schedule. Lunch was great- it really was the best Mexican food I’ve had in a long time - filling but not heavy. The chili relleno was -not-  batter-dipped, praise be and nothing was too salty. Probably lots of people would think it was all on the bland side but I expect everything could be  spiced up by request. I only like 1 on the 0-5 scale at Thai places so I was fine with it. Definitely will go again but next time I have lunch with this friend we are going to the Greek place as I’ve never been - I’m the only one in the family who likes it and I haven’t been to a Greek restaurant since I was in Chicago for an 8th grade field trip and the most memorable thing was the on-fire cheese because of the huge ugly-American production the adult chaperones made every time it was ordered which was a lot. It was good but I still recall being kinda mortified. In retrospect they were likely into the ourzo.

In any case it was a good time and I’m still full because of course we split a dessert: chimicheesecake which is kitschy as all get-out buy was tasty.

This evening I started my new knitting project even though the old one isn’t finished - which is rather uncharacteristic of me. I have a total of three other knitting projects and one crochet project all of which I put on hold to start the cardigan which is “the” project right now because I want to be able to wear it when I do my knitting cruise this fall...and I had planned on not doing anything else till it was done but hey, what the heck.

St Patrick’s Day is almost like New Years Eve for being happy about sobriety and a Saturday St Patrick’s Day is about as good as it gets. I got home around 3:30 and planned very specifically to not leave till morning because drunk driving is a thing. I suspect doing the shopping early will be particularly pleasant in the morning.

Friday, March 16, 2018

Day 664

Busy day but I got everything done. Finally had enough energy to knit after dinner too. However even for a Friday night it has become my bedtime so just a quick check-in to say all is still well.

Thursday, March 15, 2018

Day 663

Once again I came to the couch with plans to knit and ended up just lying down instead. Which is fine, of course, just unusual. So is being tired enough to go for actual -coffee- instead of tea this morning. But otherwise the day was reasonably uneventful.

I’m meeting a friend for lunch on Saturday and looking forward to both seeing her and trying the restaurant as it’s a Mexican place which is touted to be the best in the area. It’s an hour away so I hope the weather stays reasonably okay.

And now I think I may just nap on the couch as if I go to bed for the night this early the dog and I will just have to get up for a bathroom break in an hour or two.

Wednesday, March 14, 2018

Day 662

Two steps forward; one step back. Overslept by half an hour this morning and was all tired and achy once awake. Oddly enough the kids, who get up at different times, also overslept.

Anyhow I was tired all day and angry for big chunks of it and I came to the couch after dinner planning on knitting and ended up just lying down under a blanket with my Kindle app for Iphone. Not good when even my down-to-just-sleeves-and-finishing sweater sounds like too much work.

We did get a pie for Pi Day though: a pre-made frozen S’mores Pie which featured marshmallow flavored meringue. Tasty but has given me what Youngest calls “the bloatingness.” I’ve discovered that eating real non-processed food -does- make a big positive difference but then I get tired or angry or both and end up chowing down on highly processed additive-laden sweets and/or starches. It would be easier if there were more instantly available -good- food choices but in my corner of rural Upper Northeast there’s nothing like a grocery store salad bar for at least 30 if not 50 miles in any direction and the prepackaged stuff in the deli aisle leans heavily toward mayonnaise based salads with the “exotic” quota being filled by salsa, hummus and the Cedars brand of tabuli and stuffed grape leaves, both of which are often out of date.

And I just realized while lying here that I really -really- don’t feel like assembling a breakfast or lunch for tomorrow. Usually I do because I’m not that impressed with our cafeteria offerings either but too tired/down/annoyed/whatever to knit is also too tired/down/annoyed to do anything else either. I’m closing down the mountain in a big way...which is fine. I’ve made the conscious decision to treat the new Never Ending Winter addition to everything -else- in my life pretty much the way I dealt with very early sobriety: do only the very bare minimum and act as if recovering from flu. There will be time to get back into things like a nice daily walk once the snowdrifts stop being hip-high.

The good need is that despite all the negatives, the idea of drinking hasn’t popped up and doesn’t appeal at all now that I’m lying here consciously thinking about it. It’s just “ew, that wouldn’t help” with a dash of “probably make things worse.” So one does get to that point.




Tuesday, March 13, 2018

Day 661

A much better day.

The weather is still vile - so much so that I actually changed the channel of the TV in the car shop’s waiting room because I simply could not stand another minute of the Weather Channel waxing orgasmic about how bad the snow in Massachusetts had become. However work was significantly better and I was even able to leave early. Flat-out planned to have ice cream for dinner which worked out well as the kids wanted breakfast for dinner and a waffle went just fine with ice cream. We got one of those six-inch round waffle irons as a supermarket promotional giveaway years ago and although I don’t break it out often it’s always a huge hit when I do so that was quite encouraging.

After dinner I situated myself on the couch and got to knit for the first time in almost a full week so that helped a lot too...and better still was that Youngest hung out and chatted a while. Things were going swimmingly till stupid family drama reared its head again. But I extricated myself as quickly as  feasible and just went the hell to bed...with more annoyance than upset which is progress. Just in the past week I’ve had some sort of inner shifting of - well, I don’t know what but the outcome is that I’m -starting- to be able to let stuff roll off my back rather than taking it all so seriously and personally. Which is good since my plate is quite full enough as-is — no room for other people’s stuff too.

The joke from tonight’s popsicle stick isn’t as good as the hop-timist but it’s similar: what do you call a sleeping Triceratops?  A dino-snore.















Monday, March 12, 2018

Day 660

I didn’t realize quite how much the day had worn me down till Youngest picked me up after my 5:30-6:30 meeting and immediately asked “what’s -wrong-?”  When I said “nothing” she told me I had looked -really- upset and angry standing there.

I reviewed my workday which had started with a couple of urgent but annoying issues followed by a nosebleed. The lunch for which it was my turn to treat wasn’t really much fun and my walk to the post office and back - only 25 minutes total - wore me out far more than usual both physically and also emotionally because the snow piled along the sidewalk was hip-high. Somewhere along the course of the day I had sprouted at least three new cold sores in my mouth plus a sore spot in my throat and the late meeting turned out to be totally useless. And it had just started to snow.

So yeah, the kid was right.

Once I got the car in the garage I ended up eating All The Carbs to an extent I haven’t done in ages but after that and a nice shower bath in the freshly painted bathroom I was doing a little better and it warmed my heart to hear Youngest and Middle actually laughing with one another...but I’m still pretty down both physically and emotionally. I know a fair bit of this is delayed effect from really pushing myself with the painting and another fair bit is the lousy weather. I also know it will eventually pass and that I should totally take care of myself in the interim but tonight I’m just so sick of all this Being Responsible stuff.



Sunday, March 11, 2018

Day 659

Well for a completely out of shape 51-year-old I’m not doing too terribly badly. We had stupid Daylight Savings Time change in the night so although my body didn’t think I slept in the clock did. In any case I wasn’t too achy but I was way dumber than usual: forgot to close up the gas tank at the station (no big deal; the cap is attached - I think they all are now) and ended up going up and down almost every grocery aisle twice because I kept forgetting stuff on the list the first time down. Despite all that I still got home without one of the ingredients for tonight’s dinner and had to go back out but since I needed a couple things from the other grocery it wasn’t the end of the world.

Didn’t have energy to knit though, which was how I had thought I’d spend the day. Took a two-and-a-half hour nap instead which I just -never- do. But that’s not the end of the world either. I’m writing now, a good 2-3 hours earlier than usual, because I have no freaking idea when I will end up falling asleep although I have graduated from lying down on the couch to sitting in the recliner chair now that dinner is over.

Oh one other too-tired-to-be-smart moment: even though I’ve been thinking intermittently all weekend about how tomorrow is the monthly lunch with a couple of my colleagues and it’s my turn to pay I went ahead and assembled a salad to take for lunch tomorrow while I was doing dinner. Good thing it will keep...and that I done mind if the lettuce gets wilty as it’s already dressed.

The weather still has me down - I think it has everyone down. There’s a lot of snow on the ground already and we are due to get another 5 or so inched Tuesday plus “snow showers” here and there all the other days. We haven’t had a March this hard in a long time. But there’s no use arguing with the weather.

I found s box of popsicles when I was storing the grocery and they are the kind with jokes on the stick. What do you call a happy bunny rabbit?

A hop-timist.

Saturday, March 10, 2018

Day 658

Operation Bathroom Overhaul is done. Two coats of paint including the ceiling plus spray-painting the freestanding shelving unit. Took all damned day but for a totally out of shape de-conditioned 51 year old I did okay. New shower curtain and bath mats finished the look and everyone is much happier.

I made sure to take my Big Gun: real Bayer aspirin of”back and body” strength after each coat and took a warm bath after I was done but I suspect I will be achy anyhow. Worth it though - especially since it was a whole ten years ago that I announced I was too old to haul ass up and down a ladder painting any more.

Of course sobriety is behind all this - no way could I have done this project if I were still drinking. Well...probably I could but it would have taken the -whole- weekend, been more of a thrash and probably messier. As I was cleaning up after this paint job I actually found more old paint marks from the first re-paint a dozen or so years ago than I did from this time.

Didn’t even -think- of doing anything else today — let everyone fend for their own breakfast and lunch then got pizza for dinner...and I’m already in bed.

Friday, March 9, 2018

Day 657

This morning I was irritable and it was exacerbated by a really -stupid- work thing but I eventually got over it.

This evening’s big thing was starting a home improvement project: repainting the upstairs bathroom. Plan was to prep the walls tonight and it got done but boy I wasn’t ready for the difference ten years makes - that’s how long it’s been since I painted anything and even back then I was all “never doing this myself again ever!” Yeah well. I went slowly and took a nice long break in the middle and Youngest volunteered to help which I graciously accepted. 

Tomorrow I start painting and even if it looks not entirely terrific it will still be SO much better than what was there before that it should still turn out okay. 

This is yet another “brought to you by sobriety” event. Previously I wouldn’t have wanted to give up premium Friday night drinking time for real work. 

But now sleep. 

Thursday, March 8, 2018

Day 656


The day started rough - woke up to discover the dog had puked on the bed oh joy and that wasn't even the only rough thing - but got better as it progressed, largely because I allowed myself to do the barest minimum of everything. Big emotional stuff on top of bad weather (which fortunately wasn't -as- bad as predicted) was all catching up to me so it was time to close down the mountain.

Once I got home I didn't make dinner but did get the right gauge for my next sweater, which I can already tell is going to be more fun than the current one, so that's something to look forward to doing now that I'm starting to get tired of my current one. It's getting close to done though as sleeves go fast. Bought myself some more yarn just because it was pretty and on closeout at a really good price, too...but that's enough of that. I've never been much of a retail therapy kind of person but I can see how that could creep into someone's life if that someone had quit drinking and was working really hard on not doing the emotional-eating thing.

In any case things seem to be slowly calming down to baseline and about time, I say. But now I'm going to bed because I'm very close to finishing my audiobook.

Wednesday, March 7, 2018

Day 655

It all caught up to me today. Weather, drama...I was down-down-down all morning and only slightly better in the afternoon. I babied myself though and reached out to friends by email and got through it.

Evening was a little better as my new yarn arrived so after dinner and two bowls of ice cream I played with that and listened to my audio book and chatted with Youngest. The gloom eventually lifted.

One good thing: I never once thought of drinking. The reflexive treatment of all problems with a hefty dose of ethanol seems to have largely faded. I don’t want to get complacent as it could rear its ugly head at any time, I’m sure ... but it today and that’s great.

Sleep is also great.

Tuesday, March 6, 2018

Day 654

Busy day. Family travel, family drama...but it calmed down considerably by day’s end.

I am just so grateful that sobriety has allowed me to become so much more able to adapt and roll with shifting events and plans.

Grateful for a nice warm bed, too.


Monday, March 5, 2018

Day 653

Well they can’t all be great days.

Work was only so-so but home has been full of anger and resentment inducing drama. But at least I’m finally in bed now and although I finished off my chocolates early on in the evening hoping the sugar would help (not really) at least I didn’t feel like drinking so that’s something. 

Oh and the dog had his vet visit today and he’s perfectly healthy. He’s also now all caught up on shots and has nice trimmed nails. 

Sunday, March 4, 2018

Day 652

Much calmer day.

There was a family get-together for Youngest but she and Spouse both let me opt out rather than having to deal with MiL and Aunt (MiL's older sister) which was a great boon. I claimed "have to work" and actually -was- in my office although it was just to websurf and knit. Which was delightful, actually...and so much better for my emotional well-being. Had I stayed my blood pressure would have gone sky-high and I would have been crabby the entire rest of the night. As it is, I'm calm and thinking about going to bed early. 

Part of self-care is -letting- others help you. For some of us that's harder than it looks.

Saturday, March 3, 2018

Day 651


Woke up this morning and made a double batch of snickerdoodles, the cookie from my childhood. Half for the household and half to send to a very dear friend of mine who is recuperating from vertebral fractures. Used the measuring cups and mixing bowls from my childhood too. Best batch I've ever made and they were cooling on the counter before anyone else got up.

That's what sobriety gets you.  Kickass cookies instead of a hangover.

I thought I'd feel at least a little smug about the whole thing but what I felt then and still feel now is a profound sense of gratitude. I'm just so grateful not to be drinking any more. If I were still drinking I would have been sucked into the drama last night and would have had huge regrets instead of energy to cook. I might have put out the butter to soften or I might have forgotten completely. I might've left it on the stove while preheating and melted it. I might've forced myself to make the cookies in time to hit the post office before it closed at noon but they wouldn't have had the same kindness baked in, surely. I might have said "fuck all of it" and slept instead. I might still be having huge emotions from the night before or I might not even -remember- the night before. All those things have happened in the past.

I haven't made snickerdoodles in years - since before my mother died - and not with those bowls since I lived at home. I suspect there was some deep stuff going on just below the surface of my consciousness which was healthy and necessary. Probably explains why I ate eight or ten over the course of today, too.

It takes a while to figure out how to have a sober life but once you get the ball rolling it seems to get better and better.

Friday, March 2, 2018

Day 650

Wow. Six hundred and fifty days is a whole lotta days. If you had told me three years ago I’d have this much sobriety I would have looked at you with wistful confusion. It would have seemed entirely impossible...but here I am.

Tonight’s lesson was that alcohol added to family drama makes it much worse. In fact alcohol can create drama - of all kinds - all by itself. This isn’t a new lesson of course. I’m not big on trying to push my beliefs onto anyone else but  boy I see why AA people say “if you want what we’ve got then do what we do.”

I’m always happy I don’t drink any more but right now tonight I am _extremely_ happy I don’t drink any more. Just. So. Glad.


Thursday, March 1, 2018

Day 649

A better day. No big surprise there; yesterday set the bar awfully low.

Kind of impressed that I didn’t feel the urge to drink at all even though some of my bigger buttons were being pressed. That’s real progress and really heartwarming.

The family drama has me down and the impending snowstorm has me down so it’s not the least bit surprising that the stupid two-steps-forward-one-step-back sickness has been trying to win again. I swear my upper and middle respiratory system has been a battleground for practically a whole lunar cycle.

But I’m much better at knowing g how to push fluids and -let- myself take it easy. As I said to someone just the other day: we have to treat ourselves as well as we treat everyone else and that’s hard for a lot of us. It shouldn’t be but it is. I