Thursday, August 31, 2017

Day 468

All's well that ends well.

Terribly moody in the morning - downright weepy - but it got better as the day progressed and the meeting I had been really dreading went far better than expected. Stunningly better.

Been sleeping like a rock - no waking up for a bathroom break and no remembering dreams either - maybe it's the noticeably later dawn. Or not.

In any case tomorrow I'm leaving work as soon as feasible to have a three day weekend at the other house and I'm looking forward to it as a nice little break. Good food and no responsibilities sounds like just what I need.

Wednesday, August 30, 2017

Day 467

Hard day but ended well.

Bunch of unpleasant unexpected administrative stuff at work. With unpleasant meetings soon to follow. Plus a headache plus site visits. Ugh.

So I got a mini chocolate cake at the grocery to go with the carry out pizza and turfed all Actual Work Around the House to another night.

Tonight in my computer gaming world I was the helper instead of the helped - it all works out in the wash. Had fun and got to end the evening in a much better mood.

Booze wouldn't have helped any of the above; it would have made me more emotional and more likely to wallow in the badness of the day. Plus wrecked my sleep and made me feel lousy in the morning. This is a better way.

Tuesday, August 29, 2017

Day 466

Long day but I planned little ways to take care of myself throughout the day. Plus Youngest made dinner so that helped.

Speaking of help...I accepted some in my online gaming world tonight and I'm still a little stunned I did it. Usually I'm really awful at that. The help was actually offered which is probably why I could accept...I still suck at asking for help. Still, taking help instead of coming up with some version of "no thanks" is still a big deal for me. Which is silly since people -like- to help.

But hey better late than never.

Monday, August 28, 2017

Day 465



In continuing yesterday's theme of noticing and appreciating the changes long-term sobriety brings I have another example.  I think I mentioned one of my sources of ongoing work stress: the possibility that my boss, with whom I like working, might be leaving.  This morning first thing I went to the main cafeteria to get some tea and I happened to run into my boss. I was going out; he was coming in.

"Hey SamKD, how ya doin?'"

"I'm fine...how are YOU doing?"

"I'm doing fine. Just great."

"That's good to know.  I heard a rumor that I hope _isn't_ true."

"Oh well who knows what's going on these days [looked away when he said it so my suspicions are up but looked back at me to say] but I'm doing fine."

"Good. I'm glad. I -like- having you as my boss."

[as he's walking on]  "Well thank you! That's good to hear!"

So why is this a sobriety thing? Because any Monday morning two years ago that would never have happened. First, I would have gone to the smaller cafeteria in my own building to get maximum fluid with minimum movement and second, if I had run into my boss I would have just smiled and said "Hi" while worrying if he could -tell- I was kinda hung over. I always said I wouldn't drink on Sunday but did anyway and I always said I would drink -less- on Sunday and sometimes I even did but often I ended up drinking the same amount as any weeknight. Occasionally even more if it had been a "bad" day to justify starting earlier and/or I knew I had an "easy" Monday.

The lack of shame is not to be underestimated. It's small but quietly life-changing.

==much later==

Glad I wrote early in the day when I was still fresh as the day got more unpleasant as it progressed. Long useless meeting in the middle of the day and one that doesn't even start till 5:30 tomorrow evening but at least that one is phone-in.

Time to unwind in bed with a book. 

Sunday, August 27, 2017

Day 464

Up and down day.

Dog woke me up early and I was cranky at first but then realized I could get the grocery run done early. Good choice because I was able to reflect on how nice a sober Sunday morning really is - clear head, rested, stomach just fine...and grocery store almost entirely to myself. I needed something like that because lately I haven't wanted to drink but I -have- been sort of "it doesn't seem all that much different" about my sobriety. Which is, of course, totally untrue...EVERY thing is different. I mean it's good to have sobriety be the "new normal" to the point where it's ordinary rather than a Big Deal like it was in the first few months but it's just a function of my crankiness/fatigue/whatever to say it's no different.

Getting the groceries home and stowed before nine without even -thoughts- about headaches, thirst, dizziness or nausea - and having it seem normal - was a nice reminder of how far I've come.

The rest of the day -seemed- like "oh I played Warcraft all day; it was double experience weekend" but looking back I also did three loads of laundry, cleaned the most prominent kitchen surfaces and planned out the week's menus. That's not exactly goofing off.

Doing the early-to-bed-with-book thing again though - I need to keep things very mellow as it was only yesterday that I was all resentful. Less is better.


Saturday, August 26, 2017

Day 463

The days keep piling up, which is nice. On the other hand this was a really out-of-sorts one. I'm awfully resentful that the easing-off of work stuff isn't happening next week after all because of my colleague's bereavement leave...which made it that much easier to get resentful over the whole household/shopping/stuff routine too.

But it does no good to -keep- dragging around a bag full of resentment pebbles so I did the bare minimum of stuff, spent a lot of time in my computer gaming world, got pizza for dinner and have settled into bed early. Closing down the mountain is always a good way to go when emotions run high. Bed with dog, phone and a book is more healing and soothing than just about anywhere else...and it only took me five decades to figure that out!

Friday, August 25, 2017

Day 462

In just one day it got complicated again. Death in a colleague's family means I'm back on service just when I thought I was done and there was an expensive plumbing adventure at the other house. Plus exhausted for a chunk of the day for no good reason.

Didn't want to treat any of it with booze though which is a huge positive.

Maybe tomorrow will be amazingly better.

Thursday, August 24, 2017

Day 461

Much better day.

The long slog of extra work is finally winding down, Middle is acting much better and I had a really good online gaming experience tonight. Plus dinner (stuffed shells - pre-made frozen kind) was both easy and good. Both kids complimented it.

Oh and there was no mysterious water dripping anywhere in the house - that alone makes it a better day than yesterday!

Tomorrow is Friday and I'm really looking forward to having carry out and a nice night of gaming and doing all of it -sober- so I can enjoy it all. Early in this journey Fridays were -so- hard and now they aren't and that's a very cool thing.

Wednesday, August 23, 2017

Day 460

Wow 460 is a pretty big number. Cool.

I keep meaning to do something nice for myself in celebration of 15 months but keep putting it off. At the rate I'm going it will be 16 months before I treat myself! Probably not as treats are important but still.

Tonight I discovered that the (empty rinsed cat litter) plastic jugs in which I keep water for power outages (we lose power we lose the well pump) had leaked from the laundry room into the basement. That's very few words to encompass a good hour of fact finding and worry because it started with discovering water dripping from the acoustical-tile ceiling of the basement far too close to vintage computers so those had to be moved before anything else happened then the tiles had to be moved and the whole time I was thinking "plumber-money-plumber-money." Only after I got a light and a step stool could I figure out that it wasn't an actual pipe at all...and from there I backtracked to the laundry room. Much shuffling in a tiny space to get the hugs out and I still haven't cleaned up the mess on either level the way I'd like but I do have a fan on the basement ceiling and an immense amount of gratitude that it -wasnt- some big plumbing issue.

Still wondering how hugs of water that had been fine for months and months suddenly started leaking but have made a very conscious decision not to pursue that line of questioning any further as I have absolutely no evidence to support any hypothesis. It can be gremlins or evil spirits or space aliens - the problem was found and fixed and that's what matters.

Boy I'm glad to have the coolheadedness that those 15 months have given me though - I just Dealt Woth Things. No big emotions, just getting the job done.

Sure hope tomorrow is better though.

Tuesday, August 22, 2017

Day 459

Long day.

Had totally crazy really vivid dreams all night and was way anxious about work stuff most of the day.

Managed to take care of myself and have super easy evening...except I'm pretty sure Middle is gaslighting me. I came home and assumed he was in his room. Called family to dinner; no Middle. Youngest said she thought he was out with friends. I did "Find My IPhone" which said he was still in the house so I knocked a couple times then opened door and stuck my head in. No Middle child.

So now I'm both angry and worried. My working theory was that he took off without his cellphone OR leaving a note. Had no idea where he was or when he'd be back. Little while ago I walked dog in preparation for bed and thought I'd knock and check his room again with plan to sleep on couch till he came home. This time he was in bed (upside down) and claimed 1) to be super tired and 2) to have been asleep in his bed the whole time since before I looked the first time. Oh and 3) that his cellphone was with him all day and although he'd gone to Taco Bell for lunch he had been back and asleep long before I came home.

Even though I flat out told him about not seeing him he stuck to his story  and insisted he had been home all day. Joy.

Otherwise, though, it was a pretty good day.

Monday, August 21, 2017

Day 458

Fifteen months.

It's a cool milestone but I didn't really acknowledge it at all today - car stress and work stress took precedence. The car is all set and ready for winter: inspection, oil change, headlight bulb fixed...and outrageously expensive tires because that's just how all-wheel drive cars are. But it's done and that's a relief.

Work still too busy. Made a pretty big misjudgment last week but am hugely grateful it was caught - my pride will heal.

Hoping things will settle down. Life needs to slow down a bit.

Oh and the bug-sting is starting to really itch now that it's hit the 36 hour mark.

Still...no matter what else is going on I can feel good about getting off the booze roller coaster. That's an accomplishment.


Sunday, August 20, 2017

Day 457

Productive day.

Did my yard work early - got stung on the neck though. No good deed goes unpunished. Didn't see the offending insect but it must have been something in the hornet/yellow jacket category as there was no stinger. Hurt like crazy for the first couple hours but then went away. May have an itchy lump tomorrow but it's better than I expected.

Middle came home which was good - family drama due to traveling in-laws can start fading away.

Hope I have less-crazy dreams tonight -- the past few days have been full of bizarre stuff, often work-related.

Saturday, August 19, 2017

Day 456

Good things happened today. The oatmeal, however, wasn't one of them: too salty.

A guy came to clean the gutters and a different guy came to dismember and remove the apple tree which came down in a storm earlier this month. Spurred on by their example I took down the bee balm (Monarda) which had finally lost all its blooms. Tomorrow I'll trim the hedges and the peonies which will make the outside fall-ready earlier than it's been for many a year.

Also tomorrow Middle will come home with his grandmother and great-aunt this bringing the big drama-inducing other-house visit to a close.

Had a really ugly frustrated/angry/sad bit of time in the late afternoon/early evening but I rode it out. It eventually passed. Even now, at 15 months on Monday, it is still not easy to just feel the damned feelings. There's usually at least some part of my brain in a mild panic going "okay, not booze but what -else- might make this go away?!!?"  That part has to be told calmly and without malice "Time. Time will make this pass. And it will be okay."

The whole "just sit with your feelings" thing is valuable but harder than it looks.

Tomorrow's breakfast, on the other hand, will be easy: a pan of pre-made frozen cinnamon rolls. The kind you thaw overnight in the fridge then let rise in the morning till someone else in the house starts stirring. That's one less thing.

Friday, August 18, 2017

Day 455

Long day. Made it as easy on myself as I could. Still tired. But that's okay.

Managed another day of not stress-eating too.

Might fall asleep right here on the couch.



Thursday, August 17, 2017

Day 454

Another not-great day.

Work very busy because one person already had scheduled vacation when another got invitation from his university-dean sister to bring high-schooler child out for combined eclipse and college viewing...and I'm not the kind of person who would say no to that nor do I want to be. So I was feeling pretty overwhelmed all day and have another just like it tomorrow.

Family drama still running very high at the other house: the visit of Scylla and Charybdis is not going smoothly. Yes that's a tactful understatement. I'm sympathetic of course and do care what's happening and do wish I could make it less unpleasant. However at the same time the needy side of me is thinking "hey when does anyone ever give a damn about me and -my- problems, huh?" So far I've been doing a pretty good job of keeping my Bag of Resentment empty but it hasn't been entirely easy since one of my recurrent whine-themes is "everyone else's crises always trump my crises wah wah.

My big achievement the past couple days has been -not- stress-eating all the sugars and starches. Phone conversations with intoxicated family members have kept me from even remotely wanting booze but I've had to fight similar urges to stand in front of the open pantry eating butterscotch chips from the bag. Have to keep telling myself "it won't really help...in fact it wil just make you feel guilty and lousy later." Sound familiar?

Fortunately I'm much better at other ways to self soothe than I was a year ago. Pajamas first thing, super easy dinners, plenty of playtime...it all helps. So does sleep which I'm about to have now.

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Day 453

A bed-by-9-pm day.

Achy like crazy and so very tired. Did everything I had to do today including surfing a small wave of work-related stress and a much larger wave of family-related stress.

Dinner didn't turn out as well as I had hoped and I was too tired to enjoy computer gaming much but I'm enjoying this horizontal with covers thing very much.

It took quite a while but I'm starting to learn that I don't have to push myself. It isn't indulgent or lazy or not motivated to freaking -stop- after doing the bare minimum on any given night. Nobody is keeping score and there won't be prizes.


Tuesday, August 15, 2017

Day 452

Bah.

The cat is totally fine and I'm very grateful for that.  The humans, on the other hand...well I'm grateful to have my family but at times it's all a bit much. Lots of drama over the telephone which was frustrating but then ABL decided to have a big ol' tantrum. Fun times.

Plus I'm pretty sure I'll be getting a new boss and that is a source of much tension as 1) I like the working relationship I have with my current boss and 2) the list of potential interim replacements is pretty vile.

So I have stress on the work front and even more stress on the home front. I suppose it isn't even surprising that my psoriasis is acting up. On the other hand I absolutely see how much better everything is with me -not- drinking...I was lying here thinking what it would be like if I were still a drinker and "oh gosh SO much worse" is such a big cloud of thought it's hard to pick out particular details...though I'm sure lots more arguing and lots more emotion would factor in.

Worse sleep too...not to mention that horrible emotionally drained "I want to crawl under a rock forever" feeling to go with the hangover. Don't miss any of that, not at all.

But speaking of sleep...it's that time.

Monday, August 14, 2017

Day 451

Improvement.

The cat is better - praise be. Eldest stressed enough over impending relatives visit and classes starting next week; didn't need worry about poor sick puddy-tat. I made a vet appointment for Wednesday noonish but unless he takes a dramatic turn for the worse I will be canceling it which the vet tech seemed to expect. I guess long haired cats are sort of prone. Got some "hairball remedy treats for cats" at the grocery store too - dunno if they do a bit of good but what the heck they can't hurt and it is something tangible.

Family drama seems to have died down which also helps...and we got Middle's car today which made him very happy. At the time I was hangry enough to only be so-so about the whole process but once I ate I was happy for him.

Carry out dinner helped a lot and since Middle is leaving in the morning and won't be back till Sunday this week the lacto-ovos got to plan the menu and ignore the carnivores for a change (ABL isn't fussy about food.) Lasagna tomorrow, cheese enchiladas the day after that, leftovers from the above on Thursday. I suppose I oughta throw something green out there each night too.

Still too moody for my own liking but it's better than yesterday for sure-sure. And a week from today will be -fifteen- months. That feels good.

Sunday, August 13, 2017

Day 450

Great number - four hundred and fifty! - but not a great day.

Woke up -completely- out of sorts and cranky for no reason I could fathom. Tried to be kind to myself and totally skipped the grocery shopping in part so Middle could have the car...but stayed cranky.

Some of it is, I'm sure, the fact that one of Eldest's cats is clogged enough he will most likely have to see the vet, some of it is unjustified irrational fear of being told "no" by the car dealership and a lot if it is the fact that Middle is taking MiL and her sister to the other house on Tuesday for a visit and that is creating Much - Very Much - Drama.

I'm so tired of drama. None too thrilled about the cat, either. But sometimes that's how things go. Sigh.


Saturday, August 12, 2017

Day 449

Good day.

Slept in till nearly 8 then finally cleaned the front porch - only took about 15 min total but was several years (yes years) in building up to "just do it already." I think I secretly thought Someone Else could/should/would do it. Or something. But in any case now the whole front way into the house - porch & hall/stairs - is clean and perked up. Thinking of paying myself the $10 I would usually give a kid to clean hallway & bathroom tomorrow.

Big news though is that we set up to buy Middle's car. He totally fell in love with one that had been the loaner vehicle for when people dropped off their cars for multi-day service so it already had about 2k miles which meant not really new which meant better price. Glad it worked out the way it did. We pick it up Monday after work and although he is trying to downplay it I can tell he is-super- excited and I am just so happy to see -something- giving him such positive emotion for a change.

Big storm knocked out cable and internet a big chunk of the night - I tried to be stoic.

Stayed up too late & got too sleepy but that's okay. My sleep will be restful, not fitful.

Friday, August 11, 2017

Day 448

Cranky day. Not motivated at all.

Even so, it's good to still have my wits about me at nearly eleven on a Friday night. That never used to happen.

Thursday, August 10, 2017

Day 447

Today I did something really amazing: skipped out of two boring conference hours. I'm still sort of stunned. Totally pleased with myself but stunned that Dutiful Girl shut up for once.

I'm pretty sure I mentioned the tedious all day conference. Well the morning session was little talks by the various Important People and these talks made it clear that all the -real- decision making was 1) dependent on the findings of a consultant engagement which wouldn't be out till November & 2) going to be made by the Important People. So the afternoon "breakout workgroups" were pretty much  going through the motions for the sake of tradition rather than anything meaningful. I sat through the first of three hours and realized that not only was it stupid work but also there were some really unpleasant dynamics in the group...so I bailed at the first break.

I felt very much like that line from Breakfast Club: being bad feels pretty good, huh?

So that was the big event for the day. I suppose lunch played a part too: for the first time in the 10 years I've been going to this conference lunch was "bring it back to your spot at the big u-shaped table" for more presentations and it was also surprisingly minimal. Usually there is a big buffet or we join the regular dining room buffet at the hotel (it's always in the same local venue) but this year we got pre-made sandwiches, no sides, one bowl of fruit. two bowls of trail mix and two big plates of cookies. The beverage choices were water or iced tea, period. I was happy it was -good- iced tea for a change but clearly we were taking cost containment to a new level.

The inexpensive fare was on nice plates and the meat eaters got a choice of ham-stuffed croissants or white-meat chicken salad on wheat or overstuffed roast beef on Kaiser rolls. I was happy there -was- a vegetarian choice but it was difficult to eat: roasted eggplant and yellow squash on slightly stale ciabatta with the barest scraping of a too-garlicky hummus. The sandwich was so tall I had to take it apart and eat the veggies with knife and fork. But hey, at least the eggplant was good. So was the trail mix.

I am amazed that I decided not to get increasingly tired and resentful for another three hours of conference. This is the first time I put personal interests over duty in a work setting since...well, ever.

A side benefit - in addition to the three hours of at-home time - was avoiding any and all pressure to stay for the "networking cocktails and heavy hors doevres" except they spelled that French word for "party snacks" correctly. Totally sidestepped the whole "now we -deserve- to drink" rah-rah which was a nice thing too.

Wednesday, August 9, 2017

Day 446

A good day.

Started off lousy: dog had barged on the bed in the night. Sheets were overdue for a change anyhow though so I tried to be philosophical about it.

Work easy although the meeting at 5 was every bit as dreary as I had feared. Came home to far less chaos than any other night over the past few weeks and that was a relief.

Sleep will be an even better relief.

Tuesday, August 8, 2017

Day 445

Long but good day.

Work relatively quiet. Spouse & Eldest returned to the other house; I took family here out to dinner. Stuffed and way too awake for this late on a weeknight but I don't have to be in too early tomorrow so it's all good.

Just percolating along, doing the sober thing.

Monday, August 7, 2017

Day 444

Hard day.

Youngest didn't pass the driving test. We both took it badly in part because it seemed very arbitrary: examiner running way late, the reasons given were kinda vague and also stunningly similar to the ones given to the driver ahead of us (also failed) but two aborted tests meant he went from being a full half-hour behind to only 8 minutes behind schedule.

Then there was the whole retest scheduling fiasco. One exam site per county in our area meant that the next available exam was next week but in the city with the nearest airport and would mean driving completely across that city to get to an exam site in a part of town down by the river with many auto body shops. This would require leaving the house every bit of 2.5 hours early to allow for rush hour traffic and me driving places I'd never been before. Plus she scheduled that exam without so much as asking me first. I agreed and started altering my work schedule for that week but asked her to at least -check- the available test times at a place only one hour away and in so doing she lost the next-week spot and ALL sites only had dates in late September who knows why?

Anyhow she was very mad at me but she now has a test at our local ten-minutes-from-home site...on Sept 25.  Sigh.

Plus dogs acting up plus ABL acting up plus Middle sullen and Eldest anxious...all with a heaping helping of menopause hormones. Oh and MiL was in the mix too.

Fun day.

But I survived as did everyone else and now I'm in bed and so is the dog. Tomorrow I can catch up at work and it's restaurant night so that's all good.

Sober is all good too.

Sunday, August 6, 2017

Day 443

I swear I might eventually suck less at it but I will never get used to this whole family dynamics thing. I grew up as the latchkey only child -of- an only child mother and a father who was estranged from his family so before their divorce it was just the three of us and after the divorce it was me, my crazy mother and her wacky parents. Period. Even for holidays.

Having so many people in the house is hard enough; how dare they have issues and agendas at odds with one another?!? I jest...mostly. I get that this is just how things are and can even intellectually realize that it's probably okay but I absolutely don't get it on any kind of emotional level. I have No. Freaking. Clue about anything sibling-related and not many clues about being long-term married as my parents were married in '63 and divorced in '75.

So it was a physically easy but emotionally hard day. Didn't get the laundry done that I wanted and to top it off I realized at 5pm that the drive-thru worker at 10am had never returned my credit card and when I went back the card was not in restaurant safe or any of the other places the (different of course) employee looked. So I had to call it in.

Maybe the week will be better. I sure hope so. Despite the driving test of Youngest tomorrow and an all day conference on Thursday.

Oh but I learned of a new game to play with the word-suggestion feature of smartphones. Type "my head is" then pick the center word till a complete sentence is done.  Like this: my head is so too cold for the first day of work. "My butt" also works: my butt is the best of the younger grandmothers.

But now sleep. It's an hour past the time I usually start going to sleep and I feel pretty wired still. Sigh.

Saturday, August 5, 2017

Day 442

An okay day.

Actually expressed some follow up emotions about yesterday evening and although it could have gone better it definitely could have gone far worse so that's all good

Got some good computer gaming time in too which made up for not getting much at all last night.

Best of all I'm showered and soon to be in bed. Good sleep makes every night better.

Friday, August 4, 2017

Day 441

Tonight I was far nicer on the outside than I felt on the inside. Glad to be - finally - in bed and hoping that since I -can- sleep late I -will- sleep late.

So grateful to be sober: it helps make difficult situations easier. That is completely 100 percent opposite what I would have thought and said three years ago but it's true. Not only am I not having my emotions chemically fanned in the moment but also a generally more even emotional landscape makes it easier to deal with whatever lands. Also not having to worry about "is that what really happened? Am I remembering correctly?" is huge.

Even if I don't sleep in a bit I will wake up feeling no worse than I do right now and probably better. Plus I will remember having gone to bed. These are all quietly powerful and good things.


Thursday, August 3, 2017

Day 440

Uneventful day. Apart from the 440-day mark that is but you blogfriends and I are the only ones who know about that...didn't mention it to the family. Didn't do anything special in honor of it either but that doesn't make it any less real.

Go Team Sober. It's a great way to be.

Wednesday, August 2, 2017

Day 439

Early bedtime for me.

Family all under one roof for the first time in Just Ages and although I'm totally glad it is happening as a concept the Actual Interactions were just getting too stressful.

I should stop right here and be proud of myself  for doing what I needed. I wasn't pissy or martyred or anything like that; just quietly excused myself rather than sitting there for the sake of being part of the group. Especially because everyone else was drinking. Usually that doesn't bother me a bit but tonight there was too much "aw do you -have- to do that" in my head and I don't want to be judgemental any more than anyone wants to be judged. They can have their fun their way but tonight it's better for me not to play along.

So I'm in bed marveling at how tomorrow will be 440 days. Pretty impressive. The emotional growth is slow like a tree but very worth it.

Tuesday, August 1, 2017

Day 438

Things have slowed down at work finally and that's a help.

Home still up and down but also not as stressful which is an even bigger help.

Feeling better physically too...still not sure what the hell was wrong yesterday but I'm glad it's over, whatever it was.

So grateful I managed to kick alcohol out of my life: the relationship had gone really bad and I'm so much better off without it.