Tuesday, April 21, 2020
Day 1432
1432 saw birth of the Ghent Altarpiece and death of a Cypriot king. It's also a month to the day till my four-year soberversary.
Blogfriends it's been rough. Not the sobriety; all the rest of it. This virus has brought out the "People Gonna People" in everybody and I'm too emotionally fragile from the year I just had to be very good at dealing with any of it. Which is why I electronically asked my primary care doc about a referral to a head doc. I kinda knew I needed help getting to a better place but the final trigger was one of those dumb online quizzes where I scored an eight of eight and thought "maybe I should stop waiting to see if it gets better on its own." Rest of family visibly relieved; that was interesting. So now I'm waiting to hear back which can take up to three days which tomorrow will be so I will re-send or something on Thursday if I haven't heard.
I'm still mostly functional just not very happy. But I'm working on changing that.
I'm so glad I got sober first. And until I typed it for you guys up there it didn't even register that today was the one-month-before...so it's good I wrote a blog post. I remember when each month was a huge milestone and I just couldn't even think of being where I am right now. The idea that the whole front-and-center of it all would just....go away...would have blown my mind. Completely. And that's totally okay because we can only do what we can do right now.
It gets better but it takes a while to get really good. Keep chipping away at it. All of it is a learning experience. And times like right now? It's really sucking but damn at least I know it's not really sucking because of the booze, y'know? And I know how much -worse- it would suck with booze on board along with everything else. So there's that. Even now, feeling pretty crap, it's absolutely a given that sober crap is better.
Early bedtime always helps. Peace out, y'all.
Saturday, April 11, 2020
Day Fourteen Something
...hang on, I'm looking: Day 1422. Another couple months and it will be Columbus Year.
The actual year 1422 was pretty weird too - Hundred Years War and Crusades still in play but at the end of August King Henry 5th of England died then on my mother's birthday King Charles 6th of France died.
And I'm totally distracting myself from the issue at hand which is namely I feel miserable. Time of Pandemic was one too many things in my already full life. I find myself full of rage with sadness stuffed in the chinks. For days on end. It's like this virus has ripped the thin veneer of "nice; mostly civilized" off of -everything- and left all the ugly open to air out. I see it catalyzing pre-existing dividing lines and creating new ones and it's just so TIRESOME as in soul-grindingly wearying. People keep debating what is or isn't best and this is just at my micro level; I stopped watching television generally and TV news specifically years ago.
The trouble is, as I said last time, people gonna people....and now way too many everybodys have to jockey for position about what the right thing actually is, and what they should do to promote their OWN causes and the slope from noble to base just gets steeper every day. And yes of course we should do the things that keep the most people safe but even just what we've already -done- is going to make this year really freaking suck no matter how you look at it and I just got DONE with a year of more than my fair share of "suck" by any reasonable standards so I'm especially bitter and sad right now. And the fact that so many people have called me their "rock" over the years, and the fact that I AM generally really emotionally strong, both make it that much more anger-inducing because nobody's used to ME being sad so they tend not to know what to do with it.
And that's fair since I don't know what to do with myself either. Going for a walk helped somewhat as at least I was a well-exercised depressive so I had a side of "accomplishment" with my sad; the other side of that was cleaning the bathroom. However my Zoom-based knitgroup was a little more than I could handle so I bowed out after an hour. There's another Zoom-based social thing tonight I might try....or I might not. I"m having a super hard time with "cordial" just now. Might do what I've -been- doing which is World of Warcraft Classic either with or without familiy members. And knitting. Virtual destruction and actual creation; I guess that's as good a way to maintain sanity - or attempt to do so - as any. But I still cry seemingly out of the blue and my outlook is definitely way more Eeyore than Pooh for sure.
The actual year 1422 was pretty weird too - Hundred Years War and Crusades still in play but at the end of August King Henry 5th of England died then on my mother's birthday King Charles 6th of France died.
And I'm totally distracting myself from the issue at hand which is namely I feel miserable. Time of Pandemic was one too many things in my already full life. I find myself full of rage with sadness stuffed in the chinks. For days on end. It's like this virus has ripped the thin veneer of "nice; mostly civilized" off of -everything- and left all the ugly open to air out. I see it catalyzing pre-existing dividing lines and creating new ones and it's just so TIRESOME as in soul-grindingly wearying. People keep debating what is or isn't best and this is just at my micro level; I stopped watching television generally and TV news specifically years ago.
The trouble is, as I said last time, people gonna people....and now way too many everybodys have to jockey for position about what the right thing actually is, and what they should do to promote their OWN causes and the slope from noble to base just gets steeper every day. And yes of course we should do the things that keep the most people safe but even just what we've already -done- is going to make this year really freaking suck no matter how you look at it and I just got DONE with a year of more than my fair share of "suck" by any reasonable standards so I'm especially bitter and sad right now. And the fact that so many people have called me their "rock" over the years, and the fact that I AM generally really emotionally strong, both make it that much more anger-inducing because nobody's used to ME being sad so they tend not to know what to do with it.
And that's fair since I don't know what to do with myself either. Going for a walk helped somewhat as at least I was a well-exercised depressive so I had a side of "accomplishment" with my sad; the other side of that was cleaning the bathroom. However my Zoom-based knitgroup was a little more than I could handle so I bowed out after an hour. There's another Zoom-based social thing tonight I might try....or I might not. I"m having a super hard time with "cordial" just now. Might do what I've -been- doing which is World of Warcraft Classic either with or without familiy members. And knitting. Virtual destruction and actual creation; I guess that's as good a way to maintain sanity - or attempt to do so - as any. But I still cry seemingly out of the blue and my outlook is definitely way more Eeyore than Pooh for sure.
Wednesday, April 1, 2020
Day 1412
Yes, Blogfriends I'm still here and still sober...but boy am I sick of 2020. Y'all are too, no doubt.
Anne Lamott often says "Grace bats last" and I sure hope she's right. Love is bigger than hate but chaos ultimately wins over order. In Time of Pandemic I have realized and keep realizing that people gonna people. BOY are people gonna people. It hasn't hit our area much yet - our first local positive case was on March 11 and we're still in the mid two-digit figures which means as of this writing nobody in my immediate circle -- family, friends, close co-workers -- has displayed symptoms of or tested positive for COVID19. I am, of course, grateful for this. Very.
However that doesn't knock a thing off the university. [family lexicon; source]
The whole rest of my life is full of stuff. Just full. It's been fucking hard as hell for a really long time and I'm really sick of it but there's nothing for it but to keep on living through it. Which I am just so glad to be doing without having to think so much about booze the way I used to.
Oh which reminds me: "food and beverage" is the magic phrase keeping liquor stores open in my state. Convenience stores - where the nicotine products are sold - fall under "food" and often "gas" so they're okay too. And praise be they are -- can you imagine the other way?!? Oh. My. Not good.
But I am SOOOooooo grateful not to have to fuck around with any of that shit or especially its side effects. I'm sleeping poorly as-is; like I needed the three ayem dehydrated thing too? This is better.
Stay strong...yes I'm telling myself as much as all you fine people.
Anne Lamott often says "Grace bats last" and I sure hope she's right. Love is bigger than hate but chaos ultimately wins over order. In Time of Pandemic I have realized and keep realizing that people gonna people. BOY are people gonna people. It hasn't hit our area much yet - our first local positive case was on March 11 and we're still in the mid two-digit figures which means as of this writing nobody in my immediate circle -- family, friends, close co-workers -- has displayed symptoms of or tested positive for COVID19. I am, of course, grateful for this. Very.
However that doesn't knock a thing off the university. [family lexicon; source]
The whole rest of my life is full of stuff. Just full. It's been fucking hard as hell for a really long time and I'm really sick of it but there's nothing for it but to keep on living through it. Which I am just so glad to be doing without having to think so much about booze the way I used to.
Oh which reminds me: "food and beverage" is the magic phrase keeping liquor stores open in my state. Convenience stores - where the nicotine products are sold - fall under "food" and often "gas" so they're okay too. And praise be they are -- can you imagine the other way?!? Oh. My. Not good.
But I am SOOOooooo grateful not to have to fuck around with any of that shit or especially its side effects. I'm sleeping poorly as-is; like I needed the three ayem dehydrated thing too? This is better.
Stay strong...yes I'm telling myself as much as all you fine people.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)