Wednesday, March 29, 2017

Day 313

Accomplished day.

Got everything done I needed to do before leaving town so that felt productive. Tired and achy but early bedtime always helps.

Things seem better at the other house too. Eldest reset the weights in her head and isn't all full of resentment any more. Glad of that. 

Getting a lot of love on social media lately; that feels good. Also the snow is -finally- more gone than still around. All in all things are better.

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

Day 312

Bah. Should get to sleep early tonight as Youngest has to be at school early for a rehearsal but I'm angry and anger is the absolute best emotion to kill sleep.

Had really long unpleasant work day then Eldest decided to do another round of "why did you let Middle have X when you wouldn't let me have Y?!" This, of course, by phone from 300 miles away. I credit long term sobriety as the reason I was able to stay mostly calm with the entire "away" family unit tonight. However that same long term sobriety is also why I now see several unhealthy emotional games being played and I think at least part of my anger is frustration at not being able to do One Thing about anybody -else's- thoughts or feelings or behaviors.

The rest is just plain old "why can't •I• be the center of attention once in a while?" Probably with a side of resentment...so I have plenty of stuff to own in all this not the least of which is the years of my own game-playing and drinking behaviors. Doesn't make me any less ticked right now though.

Writing about it does though so that's something. The act of putting words together into a document is both calming and focusing. Which is good because of previous need-sleep-early comment. Gonna try to do so now that my anger seems to have dissipated.

Gosh it's more than 10 mo this now and creeping up on 11 - even when everything else is kinda crappy that's something good to hold.

Monday, March 27, 2017

Day 311

So glad it's a short week. Thursday morning I leave for the other house and even though it's just a long weekend with two trips to the airport in it I will be away from -here- which has got to help. Between weather and work I'm down enough that positive things aren't cheering me up the way they normally do and that's not a good way to be.

Tomorrow will be particularly hard: difficult meetings all day, one of which is a 45 min drive away. On the other hand it will be grilled cheese and tomato soup for dinner that night (by request of Youngest) which sounds about right.

Not my circus, not my monkeys and not my issue at all really but I do hope the nightly drinking at the other house gets put on hold while I'm there...it isn't that I'm tempted but that I dislike sitting around trying to converse but also dislike being the Bad Guy for going to bed early. Guess it's a wait-and-see thing.

After this long weekend I work for four days then I'm off for a glorious week -- right back to the other house but with no responsibilities it will indeed be a vacation and I'm so looking forward to it. I need Away From in a big way.

But there's still two more days of this week and I'd better head off to bed - I keep waking up in the night so it's good to get an early start. How I functioned on the kind of crappy sleep alcohol causes seems strange and bizarre now...yet I did it for years and years. Now instead of expecting that middle of the night awakening along with a crazed "maybe not if I..." thought process I'm vaguely annoyed IF I don't get a good full night of sleep. That alone is a really powerful motivator for sobriety because  proper sleep makes everything better.

Sunday, March 26, 2017

Day 310

Better day. Slept till 9 which definitely helped.

Otherwise it was a typical Sunday: grocery and errands. Also I finished my latest top in time to wear tomorrow. Had originally -thought- it would be done last Sunday night but that was the peak of my disgruntlement so no dice.

Ground still almost entirely snow covered. Dreary. But a light and short work week so that's something.  Really glad I'm not trying to treat too much winter with alcohol.

Saturday, March 25, 2017

Day 309

Blah. For what seems like the millionth day in a row (but might be a dozen or 15 at most) I woke up, wandered into the kitchen and was overcome by depression and frustration and general annoyance. For the same damned reasons too: snow all over everything as far as the eye can see and the last conversation with Spouse over the phone the previous night had been through a veil of alcohol. Can't argue with either one of those things but don't have to like them. Don't have to like the morning to-do list either and totally didn't as I was puttering around doing it.

But even though it seems that way at the time no feeling lasts forever. By the time I had to take Youngest into town I'd morphed into a somewhat better frame of mind and even sort of enjoyed picking up the few items I needed prior to Real Grocery Shopping tomorrow.

Came home and made a couple different salads for the week. One of them used up practically all the leftover pasta so I was pretty happy about that. Not so happy about just flat out -not- being able to get a jar of pimentos open even with a jar gripper and wax downright pissed that my "other kind of jar opener" (the pliers-like kind) had turned up missing. But I did remember to stand on a step stool for grating so that helped.

Spending a lot of the day on the couch has helped too. I had that "you should be doing something -productive-" voice all day but I also had a bad case of the dropsies - you know, where everything spills or breaks or won't come out of its package the right way - so they sort of canceled each other out. Now I'm in bed for the night at just past 9 and happy to be here because I don't need to do one damned thing till morning.


Friday, March 24, 2017

Day 308

Yikes! Better day but almost forgot to post.

Too busy chewing through my new book (The Collapsing Empire) which was a fine Friday night.

Still fighting the lousy mood thing but it's easing up bit by bit.

Thursday, March 23, 2017

Day 307

Not a great day.

Slept poorly. Cold. Windy. Stupid inspection which had three findings blossomed into five on the final report. Tired. 

But doing it all as a sober person so yay for me.

I'd rather be sober in Aruba though.