Thursday, October 19, 2017

Day 517

Almost 17 months. Pretty cool and I know the daily check-in is a big part of my success. Without it I would have far too easy a time drifting away into the lands of Doesn’t Really Matter and Not Really A Problem. Especially with all the other drinkers in my family.

Speaking of which....

Today was a really good day. Went for a nice long walk with an engaging audiobook then Spouse and I got carry out lunch from a seafood place - haven’t eaten that much or that well in ages. In between those two events I got a decent amount of knotting done and binge-watched a few episodes of Transparent season 4.

So I was really surprised when out of the blue in the early afternoon I started getting a Big Sad for seemingly no apparent reason. Everything was good so what the heck? Then I realized, belatedly, that it had started right after the drinkers in the family had decided they would be doing so tonight. On an intellectual level I’m totally fine with “different strokes for different folks” and “their lives; their choices” and the previously popular “not my circus; not my monkeys.” However that doesn’t mean I still don’t have a whole lot of “well that didn’t turn out so well” stored in the memory banks including a few still fairly recent still fairly ugly things...which makes Sad a perfectly understandable thought.

Also “frigging annoyed” when they got to the boisterous stage. I don’t like raining on anyone’s parade and see above for not getting entangled but still. It’s hard when it’s family. But I’m managing. Excused myself for a shower and I believe we will have reached the going-to-sleep-early part of the evening by the time I get back.

Pretty sure my Seventeen-Month treat is gonna be bigger than usual though.

Wednesday, October 18, 2017

Day 516

Up and down day.

Did my walk early in the morning which always feels good.

Mostly the day was about the home repairs which were finally finished at six thirty this evening. The tile guys wanted to start late since they had a nearby job which couldn’t start before five but they underestimated what needed to be done and how fast they could do it. They tried to tell me it was all done at 5:45 but they had very much rushed the edges of the grout where it abutted the cabinets so I politely made them fix it. I am very proud of myself for that as I am usually non-confrontational to a fault and have difficulty with conflict. However I kept saying to myself “we are paying X for this floor so it needs to be done right” along with a side of “after this they will not be coming back.”

Sobriety didn’t directly help with the above but I’m sure it did indirectly. I’m more centered and have a greater sense of self worth (absence of drinking shame will do that) so it’s easier to expect good things and to have potentially difficult conversations.

The floor looks great. Got too hungry, angry and tired for too long during the process though. Made sure to get something to eat and take time to sit and relax while I ate - that fixed me right up. At almost 17 months self care is finally feeling like a natural next step. Oh and speaking of self care, sometime between 4:30 when they had thought they would be done and the 5:30 walk-through I ordered myself a couple tops online from my phone as a reward for Dealing With the three days of removal/installation. I think it is important to reward oneself. Not only because it’s a way to show self-love but also because so many years were spent thinking drinking was the reward for everything and I don’t want that idea anywhere near me.

Tomorrow I’m sleeping in.

Tuesday, October 17, 2017

Day 515

As vacation days go it was okay. Definitely this week of vacation is going better than the one last month. And now I find my mind a complete blank. Guess that’s okay. Between the contractors and the driving to get food and the old sit-coms I’m kinda brain dead.

Monday, October 16, 2017

Day 514

Bah. Getting new flooring which will be lovely when done but was horribly loud and echo-y all day. Plus dust all over everything. Gonna take 3 days instead of the 2 originally estimated. Praise be the dog likes them but what an icky day.

My walk helped and of course I was in pajamas by six thirty. Soon to an early bedtime. Always a good choice.

Sunday, October 15, 2017

Day 513

First real day of vacation was good. Went for a very long walk with Eldest in the morning and got all my steps done early in the day. After that I got plenty of good knitting time. Best of all? Nobody’s drinking. Tomorrow and Tuesday we are getting tile installed which won’t be entirely vacation-y but it needs done and will look really nice afterwards.

I’m really appreciating this down-time.

Saturday, October 14, 2017

Day 512

Ah, vacation.

Icky drive due to detour and being far too hangry for most of it but good pizza fixed me right up. Took my walk and was showered and in pajamas by 6 which felt delightful.

I realized today that -next- Saturday is my 17 months Soberversary. That’s quite cool. So is not having -any- responsibilities for the next week.

Friday, October 13, 2017

Day 511

Glad it’s Friday and even more glad I have a week off work.

Glad too that I’ve managed to excuse myself off to bed. I’m okay for most of the night but there always comes a point where something small but significant inside me snaps and I just can’t wait to be away from the drinkers. Who, paradoxically, never want me to leave.

Tomorrow will be better, I’m sure.

I look now and think “how could I -do- that all those years?” and yet it wasn’t long ago at all that I thought it was not just -a- necessary thing in life but -the- necessary thing in life for celebration, stress reduction, any random without drinking at all, ever, seemed impossible.

Boy was I wrong.