Saturday, August 19, 2017

Day 456

Good things happened today. The oatmeal, however, wasn't one of them: too salty.

A guy came to clean the gutters and a different guy came to dismember and remove the apple tree which came down in a storm earlier this month. Spurred on by their example I took down the bee balm (Monarda) which had finally lost all its blooms. Tomorrow I'll trim the hedges and the peonies which will make the outside fall-ready earlier than it's been for many a year.

Also tomorrow Middle will come home with his grandmother and great-aunt this bringing the big drama-inducing other-house visit to a close.

Had a really ugly frustrated/angry/sad bit of time in the late afternoon/early evening but I rode it out. It eventually passed. Even now, at 15 months on Monday, it is still not easy to just feel the damned feelings. There's usually at least some part of my brain in a mild panic going "okay, not booze but what -else- might make this go away?!!?"  That part has to be told calmly and without malice "Time. Time will make this pass. And it will be okay."

The whole "just sit with your feelings" thing is valuable but harder than it looks.

Tomorrow's breakfast, on the other hand, will be easy: a pan of pre-made frozen cinnamon rolls. The kind you thaw overnight in the fridge then let rise in the morning till someone else in the house starts stirring. That's one less thing.

Friday, August 18, 2017

Day 455

Long day. Made it as easy on myself as I could. Still tired. But that's okay.

Managed another day of not stress-eating too.

Might fall asleep right here on the couch.

Thursday, August 17, 2017

Day 454

Another not-great day.

Work very busy because one person already had scheduled vacation when another got invitation from his university-dean sister to bring high-schooler child out for combined eclipse and college viewing...and I'm not the kind of person who would say no to that nor do I want to be. So I was feeling pretty overwhelmed all day and have another just like it tomorrow.

Family drama still running very high at the other house: the visit of Scylla and Charybdis is not going smoothly. Yes that's a tactful understatement. I'm sympathetic of course and do care what's happening and do wish I could make it less unpleasant. However at the same time the needy side of me is thinking "hey when does anyone ever give a damn about me and -my- problems, huh?" So far I've been doing a pretty good job of keeping my Bag of Resentment empty but it hasn't been entirely easy since one of my recurrent whine-themes is "everyone else's crises always trump my crises wah wah.

My big achievement the past couple days has been -not- stress-eating all the sugars and starches. Phone conversations with intoxicated family members have kept me from even remotely wanting booze but I've had to fight similar urges to stand in front of the open pantry eating butterscotch chips from the bag. Have to keep telling myself "it won't really fact it wil just make you feel guilty and lousy later." Sound familiar?

Fortunately I'm much better at other ways to self soothe than I was a year ago. Pajamas first thing, super easy dinners, plenty of all helps. So does sleep which I'm about to have now.

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Day 453

A bed-by-9-pm day.

Achy like crazy and so very tired. Did everything I had to do today including surfing a small wave of work-related stress and a much larger wave of family-related stress.

Dinner didn't turn out as well as I had hoped and I was too tired to enjoy computer gaming much but I'm enjoying this horizontal with covers thing very much.

It took quite a while but I'm starting to learn that I don't have to push myself. It isn't indulgent or lazy or not motivated to freaking -stop- after doing the bare minimum on any given night. Nobody is keeping score and there won't be prizes.

Tuesday, August 15, 2017

Day 452


The cat is totally fine and I'm very grateful for that.  The humans, on the other hand...well I'm grateful to have my family but at times it's all a bit much. Lots of drama over the telephone which was frustrating but then ABL decided to have a big ol' tantrum. Fun times.

Plus I'm pretty sure I'll be getting a new boss and that is a source of much tension as 1) I like the working relationship I have with my current boss and 2) the list of potential interim replacements is pretty vile.

So I have stress on the work front and even more stress on the home front. I suppose it isn't even surprising that my psoriasis is acting up. On the other hand I absolutely see how much better everything is with me -not- drinking...I was lying here thinking what it would be like if I were still a drinker and "oh gosh SO much worse" is such a big cloud of thought it's hard to pick out particular details...though I'm sure lots more arguing and lots more emotion would factor in.

Worse sleep too...not to mention that horrible emotionally drained "I want to crawl under a rock forever" feeling to go with the hangover. Don't miss any of that, not at all.

But speaking of's that time.

Monday, August 14, 2017

Day 451


The cat is better - praise be. Eldest stressed enough over impending relatives visit and classes starting next week; didn't need worry about poor sick puddy-tat. I made a vet appointment for Wednesday noonish but unless he takes a dramatic turn for the worse I will be canceling it which the vet tech seemed to expect. I guess long haired cats are sort of prone. Got some "hairball remedy treats for cats" at the grocery store too - dunno if they do a bit of good but what the heck they can't hurt and it is something tangible.

Family drama seems to have died down which also helps...and we got Middle's car today which made him very happy. At the time I was hangry enough to only be so-so about the whole process but once I ate I was happy for him.

Carry out dinner helped a lot and since Middle is leaving in the morning and won't be back till Sunday this week the lacto-ovos got to plan the menu and ignore the carnivores for a change (ABL isn't fussy about food.) Lasagna tomorrow, cheese enchiladas the day after that, leftovers from the above on Thursday. I suppose I oughta throw something green out there each night too.

Still too moody for my own liking but it's better than yesterday for sure-sure. And a week from today will be -fifteen- months. That feels good.

Sunday, August 13, 2017

Day 450

Great number - four hundred and fifty! - but not a great day.

Woke up -completely- out of sorts and cranky for no reason I could fathom. Tried to be kind to myself and totally skipped the grocery shopping in part so Middle could have the car...but stayed cranky.

Some of it is, I'm sure, the fact that one of Eldest's cats is clogged enough he will most likely have to see the vet, some of it is unjustified irrational fear of being told "no" by the car dealership and a lot if it is the fact that Middle is taking MiL and her sister to the other house on Tuesday for a visit and that is creating Much - Very Much - Drama.

I'm so tired of drama. None too thrilled about the cat, either. But sometimes that's how things go. Sigh.