Day 918

A really hard day, emotionally. Weepy, distracted, edgy — no one specific reason. Might be getting sick. Finally in bed. So glad I’m not still drinking because juggling that on top of this much baseline icky would be Just Awful.

Now that I think on it...it was. But I hadn’t seen it at the time because it was too insidious.

Day 917

Hard day. Couldn’t get to sleep till nearly 2 and then the dogs got me up at 4:45. Kinda stunned I’m as functional as I am. Didn’t do much Actual Work today but did get the holiday shopping done. This year everyone gets a t-shirt along with their book — who doesn’t wear t-shirts? This year’s book theme is cookbooks mostly because the younger two kids will want one eventually if not now.

The family drama is on a low simmer - it will probably boil over at some point but I’ll take this for as long as it lasts.

Bed now. Maybe I’ll be wiser tomorrow.

Day 916

Ended up at work till ten o’clock. That happens so rarely I’ve forgotten when the last time was but of course it threw the whole night totally off-kilter. Like it’s past midnight and I’m still awake for one thing.

But it was okay in the end.

Day 915

Today was hard and I’m tired.

I was about to add that I had no idea why because I didn’t DO anything and then realized that was pretty silly. The household is back up to 3 dogs again and although it’s an order of magnitude better than last time it’s still more work and then there was that wet heavy unexpected snow this morning not to mention a couple of work kerfuffles. Plus the family stuff; always the family stuff. Plus it was barely 24 hours ago the furnace got fixed...again.

But I finished my book club book and it’s the best one so far - that’s something.

And sober is -always- something. Hell, way more than just “something.”

Day 914

Grateful for easy workload today and tomorrow. Harder than I thought to get back in the swing after five days away. Came home to no heat (again) and a mother-in-law issue oh joy.

Ate real food today though and it helped. Felt quite a bit better. Didn’t hurt that the local grocery has some Really Good Dates right now.

Now bed.

Day 913

A better day all around. Once I got over the morning Dealing With Critters it was a peaceful enough Sunday. Not particularly thrilled about going back to work tomorrow but so be it.

I’m doing better with the three-dog chaos this time around. Hope I can continue to do so.

Day 912 and a half

Did it again - straight to bed without posting. It's because my routine has been completely shot to shit having the three dogs all together again plus Hubby up here plus lots of family drama before his arrival. Crashed hard at 10 sharp last night with a phone so dead I had to leave it on the charger just to get it to light up again.

It is now 7:53 in the ayem and I've spent the last hour catering to critters. They seem to be settled for the moment though which means I can use this time to shake out my bag of resentment -- it got a big ol' load of pebbles just now. Why should _I_ be the one, blah blah -- well, because I'm the morning person of the house, that's why...and it's not like I don't totally make them do the nighttime stuff.

Mostly I'm out of sorts since I let myself eat WAY too much junk these past two days. When you get used to eating mostly healthy stuff and then go back to candy and cookies and potato chips in a big way your body feels sort of bloated and exploded and vile or at least mine does...and I woke up in the night with Really Terrible Heartburn the likes of which I haven't had since I was pregnant. So today I'll try to do better.

Still not drinking though so I still win.

Day 911

Oh boy so much family drama.

I ate SO many carbs. Was reminded why I don’t keep M&Ms in the house - ate -two- servings.

Family back home though - that’s good. Have all 3 dogs again but have improved the situation with them by getting a doggie playpen.

So happy to be a non-drinker. Truly grateful.

Day 910 and a half

Went to bed at 9pm last night and never blogged about my wonderful non-Thanksgiving!

I gotta tell y'all...it was pretty fantastic. This not-drinking thing rules all the time but given my history of horrible Thanksgivings from childhood where other people drank and my history of horrible Thanksgivings in teen and adult years where I was one of the drinking people the new history of being a Totally! Alcohol! Free! Person! is extra-satisfying on Turkey Day.

Hubby woke me up at 7:20 which meant I slept in a good hour and it was Just Lovely. When I got downstairs I had that yummy cornbread I made Wednesday night waiting for me along with butter I had remembered to put out so that it was spreadable. Since there was a wind-chill warning I decided I wasn't leaving the house and didn't -- went as far as the driveway walking the dog but that was it.

My roasted butternut squash and onions turned out far better than I expected -- again, because I wasn't going to bed blotto I remembered to set them out the night before so they were room temperature and first thing in the morning I put the pre-cubed frozen-but-thawed veggies on good-quality paper towels (yes, if I had feed-bag dishcloths they would have been better but I have -one- and I keep it for covering hot things out of the oven) to drain. Those two steps are what allowed the veggies to be GOOD and those are the two steps which required the cook not to be sloppy drunk the night before or hung over the morning of.  Score two points for me.

Anyhow I put the veggies in a 400 F oven on covection bake till they were just barely roasted enough for me to consider edible then turned the oven off but left the veggies in while I went to the basement to play with polymer clay and what happened was just magical: the veggies got all caramelized and the onions (pre-chopped little cubes frozen in a bag - nothing fancy) turned downright crispy and it was so wonderful I ate 2/3 right then and there for lunch and the rest for dinner later.

Good thing too since my other cooking - a new brand of Tex-Mex rice which one microwaves in the container - turned out to be inedible dreck.  Fortunately I had other things to eat. I also made up my muesli for next week because I had time and a free kitchen and the longer it sits the better it gets.

Other than that I did the same things one does on any Thanksgiving - wandered around the house, watched stupid stuff on screens, some laundry - but without the relatives or the booze or all the various food I don't like. Didn't get obnoxiously ohmahGHAWD too full either, that was a bonus.Then, as mentioned previously, when I got sleepy at 9pm I just - fancy this - Went. To. Sleep. For the night, with no fuss at all and no saying goodnight -- there's something to this alone-time thing, y'know?

On the other hand I'm glad the family is coming back later today. Last night I started getting a little lonely and it was downright weird to have been in the house this long without anyone else in it - kept hearing the dog and thinking he was one of my family and kept trying to turn every other little noise into someone else in the house - not A Stranger or A Bad Guy but again, one of the family...which was weird because I grew up a latchkey only child and thus thought I'd totally slide right back into the alone thing.

In any case I also used that not-blotto-at-night thing to plan ahead for this morning's frittata: chopped half an onion and drained a jar of pimientos last night in addition to setting out the eggs and Parmesan cheese so everything was room temperature when I wanted to cook this morning at 6:45 because I got up at the same time I always do. It goes a lot better when the cook isn't a drunk, y'know?

Today I need to go to the grocery but not till after it warms up a bit -- MINUS eight is not nearly enough degrees!  The family isn't due back till late afternoon though so I still have plenty of time. I hope I remember to write a proper post tonight.

I also hope everyone had a wonderful day yesterday whether it was a holiday for you or not. And if you aren't yet on the sober side of the street I welcome you to cross over any time you like -- we have cookies, fewer headaches and _so_ much less shame.

Day 909

A good day. Just really nice. Have decided not to make the dressing after all — too busy enjoying the cornbread as-is. Turned out I hated the brand of pesto I bought but the radiatori (spelled it wrong yesterday) were plenty good plain.

Now I’m in a bed with fresh sheets and a clean doggo — has him washed before the kids had been gone thirty minutes. Sleep sounds wonderful.

Day 908

Vacation. Five blissful days of vacation — two and a half with nobody at all. In my own house! How excellent! Special bonus: a new recipe to try.

But first: wash the dog. Been stalking because once -everyone- is out of the house I can wash both of us at the same time in the kids bathroom which has a bathtub with hand-held shower nozzle. Take up the mats, throw down a bunch of towels, wash him and let him shake dry while I clean up self and tub.

Tomorrow night is pasta with pesto. Radiatore - my favorite shape.

But now bedtime. Gonna bake in the morning.

Day 907

Already in bed an hour before usual. Tired...mostly of Real Winter arriving this early, I think. Got all my work done though so tomorrow the only thing I -have- to do is the big double site visit thing but I’m going to do some errands at the end of it and treat myself to lunch somewhere so it’s all good. 

But early bedtime feels so good.

Day 906

A really good Sunday. Was up and to the grocery a smidge before eight which was grand as nobody was in the store. Well...almost. Then about twenty minutes after I got everything put away the weather changed into gloomy and windy and snowy so I was even more happy to have done the work early.

Goofed around all day and it was just lovely. Totally excited for my Not Thanksgiving I’m having this year. Gonna make cornbread dressing with fake sausage, roasted cubed butternut squash with various goodies like nuts and onions and the dried cranberries if I don’t put them in the dressing.  and the night before or after radiatore pasta with good pesto. Think I might get sliced big slab-like portobello mushrooms this week but it will end up being whatever is freshest when I go to the produce/meat  supermarket.

Glad I’m rested up since work had been so unpleasant lately. Early to bed and everything.

Day 905

A great day. Played with polymer clay pretty much all day. Finished the commission for Eldest and started work on some of my own ideas.

Bed now though. Food shopping tomorrow oh joy.

Day 904

Weather. Family drama. Work drama. Not great.

On the other hand I finished the art project I’ve been doing for quite some time which -is- kinda great. I love having productive and creative Friday nights.

And now I’m in bed which is also kinda great.

Day 903

Wow. Two years, five months and 25 days. Back when I first started I could never even have dreamed  this and here I am living it. So cool.

But must sleep now.

Day 902

Rough day. Had to do a site visit so lotta driving. Kinda disgusted with my employer these days. Still too much family drama. Cut way back on sweets. It all adds up.

But a hot bath helps amdgoing to bed helps too. Sleep is always a good thing.

Day 901

Not bad, for a Monday. First real snow of the season and still enough left that I pushed slush off the driveway earlier this evening. Not predicted to break freezing tomorrow or Thursday, either. That was a lot in a short period of time.

Fortunately work was pretty easy as was home. And now it’s bedtime.

Day 900

Hey it’s here - 900 days! Spent it being really tired but that’s okay. I think a big part of it is because I’ve gone cold turkey off the sweets. Cut way way back on processed stuff too. I figure the turned-out-to-be-nothing scary chest thing was a wake up call to work on leveling up the self care in diet and exercise categories.

In any case I’ve decided to call it a super-early bedtime and hope I get some energy back tomorrow.

Day 899

Too sleepy to post. More another to me.

Day 898

Such a long day it’s technically tomorrow. Stayed late at work due to last minute stuff then just as I was putting pizza on plates, Middle cut his finger badly enough to trek out in the Wintry Mix to get patched up at my hospital’s ER. So that took a big bite out of the evening. Then as things were settling down again my call to the bank because they declined to let me have money I knew I had trurned into a fraud report. Seems that somehow last Tuesday someone got cash at an ATM with my card number from my account even though the card was with me the whole time. Not amusing.

But it’s done now. Bed. Huzzah.

Day 897

A terrible horrible no good very bad day. Work drama, WAY too much family drama and it’s still only the first week of Standard Time.

But I didn’t drink so I win. Also didn’t overeat so bonus there. Tomorrow is the last day of the Way Too Busy week at work, praise be.

Day 896

Passed my stress test easily. No EKG changes. Not only that but at 80% of my target heart rate I could still carry on a conversation so I’m not nearly as out of shape as I thought I was. Bounced back noticeably quickly too so that was all very reassuring and made me feel good. I had a scary chest pressure episode the night I rolled into the NJ house 10-11 days ago. In retrospect I probably should have sought medical assistance but I wasn’t about to spend first 2 days of my vacation in strange hospital for rule out MI and I didn’t think it was severe enough to be full-on MI...but my family is full of heart disease and I have two copies of the APOE4 gene which is early heart disease and late Alzheimer’s so I figured I’d better get checked out. My Dr is now thinking it might have been due to passing a gallstone. I’m just so happy I do -not- have angina. Yet, anyhow — kinda feel like the whatever-it-was night have been a portend to get my act together on the food and exercise thing...

...so my new thing has been to eat real unprocessed food as much as possible and get off the refined sugar. Need to do more walking but it just hasn’t been happening lately.

Need to start trying to get some sleep, too...and that -will- happen. :-)

Day 895

I am having a stress test first thing tomorrow morning and I am scared. I know it’s “of the unknown” and I shouldn’t be but still am. Mostly scared of needing angioplasty even though I’m sure I’ll feel tons younger/better after. Also scared of this being nothing at all and looking awful — that one is real primal and relates to being the By Proxy of a Munschausens Mother.

I know the one thing I’m -not- doing though and that’s drinking. Which means I’m not having any of Those Feelings about my alcohol use in a healthcare setting. That’s one big warm hug from myself to myself.

Day 894

Busy day with a lot of stuff going on. Overall more positive than negative I think...but exhausting. Fortunately I’m already in bed. Can’t get enough of that amazing restful sober sleep.

Day 893

I do so love Fall Back Sunday morning. I don’t care for the early darkness a bit but that extra morning hour is always lovely. 

Day had a lot of ups and downs but there was one really good thing: the first (and so far only) recipe I got from Pinterest turned out to be a huge hit. Everyone liked it including my son’s friend. 

Day 892

Drove home this morning. Got in around 1:30.  So many complicated feelings about it all. Huge relief and pleasure to have the house back from three dogs, frustration over drive, missing Spouse...it's a lot.

I've been puttering about and constantly telling myself "shower then bed" for two hours now. It's gone from being "way super early" to "kinda late."

We'll see how it goes tomorrow. SO grateful that ABL wants to stay with his mother the entire month as much as she wants him to stay.

Day 891

Long day with more drama than I wanted and the last day of my vacation.

Just a few minutes ago I learned that the husband of a childhood friend died earlier tonight: complications of the flu. The first death of my peer group and it is kind of stunning. The friend and I have been estranged for several years and I didn’t know the husband well at all so I probably won’t be doing all that much for/about the death but it is still shocking.

Day 890

Hard day: full of family drama.

But I had cake for dinner so that’s something. :-)