Monday, June 26, 2017

Day 402

And now I'm home.

It was really hard to leave. The trip had more than the usual amount of bad/thoughtless/downright crazy drivers, too. But I managed.

Also managed to get the menus planned and groceries purchased and a dinner prepared that could stretch to feed the two friends visiting Middle...though I don't think they ate after all.

•I• had an ice cream cone for dinner - first one in over a decade I'm sure. At some point during my childhood I specifically switched from cones to "in a dish please" and kept announcing "I don't like ice cream cones" so long I believed it myself...but the real reason I switched was because family members criticized -how- I ate cones. I can't recall what it was they thought was so wrong but I do recall thinking "okay then...it won't be a problem any more."

After taking her SAT Youngest specifically asked to stop for ice cream and she made her waffle cone look like a nice enough experience that I filed it away under "something to try later."  Today was the later and I enjoyed it very much.

Gonna take myself to lunch tomorrow too I think. Gotta do the "big loop" of site visits to affiliates and I have to go though the nearest city of size on the way back and it's not Wednesday (the day they stay closed) so I think I'll hit the Thai place.

In the old days I would have hurried through the chores so I could start drinking and by now I would be drunk but wide awake would also have had a very lousy night's sleep when I eventually got there. Sober is just -so- much easier

Sunday, June 25, 2017

Day 401

Last night of vacation. Ir wasn't the greatest. The family which stayed up there acted like jerks and the family down here did too. Hell, for all I know _I_was a jerk too. Don't -think- so but you never know.

In any case I did it all sober and that makes it definitely better. Even when-no, make that especially when there is drinking all around. Makes it all easier to handle.

But now I'm -awfully tired.


Saturday, June 24, 2017

Day 400

Four hundred days is a really nice number.

Otherwise it was an uneventful day. I'm still pretty moody for no particular reason but I can live with it.

Friday, June 23, 2017

Day 399

First full vacation day. Slept till 8:40 which was surprising. Good but surprising.

The rest of the day kinda sucked for various reasons. Once I actually admitted to myself "hey this sucks and I don't care if it IS a vacation day I'm just not having any fun" things improved. Not because anything was different but because accepting it instead of fighting it helped.

A nice long shower and some ice cream helped too.


Thursday, June 22, 2017

Day 398

I must be on vacation; I ate too much and stayed up too late.

Lotta "not my problem" stuff today. Glad it's bedtime.  Super duper supremely glad I don't drink any more.

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Day 397

Thirteen months today. Hooray!

Start of a five-day weekend. More hooray!

Nothing profound; just way happier sober than I was drinking. Oh and the new blueberry flavored Oreos are really tasty...though the filling is definitely not a color of anything traditionally edible.

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Day 396


Remember how I was excited to finally get the second car key? Yeah, well...four hours. Yup, four. Nope, didn't plan it. Had called last week. Part was waiting. It "needs programming so it will just be a little while; please have a seat." Okay, fine...I had expected maybe 15-20 minutes.

Staff member then came to me saying how it was a lot more time consuming to program one of these keys than they thought and how he might not have time before lunch and was there any way we could drop it off later and again with the "time consuming."

I shared that I had come from 45 minutes away so drop-off was not an option (I don't know how they thought they could drop off the KEY when they also need the CAR but whatevsies) and that I could wait as long as they needed. He said words to the effect of "well it might be a couple of hours."

So I got tea and snacks (cheese and Combos; such a high-quality lunch but at least protein) from the gas station next door. On my way back I saw my car in the wide open garage with its door open and beeping. The two staff members previously involved had heads together over computer in office area.

I read (Kindle app for iPhone yeah!) and played solitaire -- I only this past Sunday discovered FreeCell and yes I know it has come free with the Windows operating system for a couple -decades- now...I tried it once, didn't like it and never went back. Now I'm into it. Go figure.

At somewhere past the two-hour mark I was told "he's trying to get it to program for the third time now. Sorry about the wait. Sometimes these things are just a pain in the neck." It eventually got done and I now have two key-fobs again in addition to the broken one which can work in an emergency but you have to use pliers to get the key back out of the ignition.

Knew enough not to do anything important or thought provoking once I got back to the office. Also to get pizza for dinner and a piece of bakery cake for having survived the ordeal.

Tomorrow I have to go in extra early for a stupid eight o'clock-sharp- meeting so I'm already in bed. So much less stressful and more productive - and in the long run far more relaxing - than "unwind with a drink or four" would have been.



Monday, June 19, 2017

Day 395

Better.

The heat wave broke, which helped generally and the current round of family drama seems to be over which helped specifically and although work is more irritating than usual I only have two more days this week. So that's all good.

Grocery shopping on a Monday evening during tourist season? Not good at all. Downright lousy, in fact...but over. Had some ice cream to celebrate that fact.

Tomorrow I'm going to finally replace the car key-fob which broke over a year ago. That will be a real accomplishment. It isn't like I haven't -wanted- to do it but that car was with Eldest two states away for almost all of that time and the dealership is a good 45-55 minutes away. But tomorrow after the affiliate site visit is the day. Huzzah.

Sunday, June 18, 2017

Day 394

Eh.

I did have a pajama day but ABL decided to be a jerk for most of it. Ya win some ya lose some. Family drama still happening; I'm awfully sick of it. Awfully sick of the recurring feeling of resentment that I, as the stable person, just don't get to -have- emotions...at least not any acknowledged or validated by others. It's an exaggeration I know but I've been in an annoyed sulky mood most of the day.

Fortunately sleep resets everything and tomorrow is a whole different day.

Saturday, June 17, 2017

Day 393

Fairly lazy day. Needed it.

Just realized that I'm in that window between "13 thirty-day units" and "13 months by date."  That feels pretty good. Also today I was watching a PBS travel show about Morocco and at some point the host said something about "hospitality and tea" while the camera panned across many women at a cafe in hijab and I thought "oh look! A whole -bunch- of people who don't drink!"

Then I took a nap. It's never the first day after a late night but the second when it all catches up.

Vacation coming up. Just a long weekend but "long" in this case is 5 days so that will be nice. I'm also thinking of putting off the shopping till Monday night and making tomorrow a Pajamas Day; haven't had one of those in a while and Father's Day in a tourist town (and a -sporty- tourist town at that) sounds like a good day to stay in.

Friday, June 16, 2017

Day 392

Wow, that's a heckuvalotta days. Go team me.

If that doesn't seem as enthused as it ought that's because exhaustion is setting in. Stayed up -far- too late last night with all the Drama and most of the Feelings and then had to go represent at in-law's birthday party. But hey, it looks like I'm on the downside of this particular round of chaos.

Also Youngest is officially done with school for the year - huzzah.

I would have never thought it much less viscerally known it as I do now but sober is just SO much better for Family Drama. That thought kept coming back to me all day as I dragged myself along with double-strength tea and a bakery cinnamon-raisin bun. Sure I was tired but I wasn't hung over, ashamed or trying to recall just exactly what had gone down. Much better place.

Also since I -did- survive a particularly unpleasant  evening/night/wee small hours I made sure to buy  myself a treat. This time it was a set of knitting needles I've wanted for a while.

Bedtime now. Sleeping late if I can manage it but "late" may only be 7-something instead of 6:20.


Thursday, June 15, 2017

Day 391

So much family drama.

But hey, I can deal with it. I'm an emotionally strong and generally capable.

Doesn't mean it doesn't suck though.

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

Day 390

Today was the first day in a while that I didn't -wake-up- tired and achy so that's progress.  However it was pretty stressful otherwise. Mostly time pressure - I just don't do well with that. Also some family stuff about which I have to keep saying "not my circus; not my monkeys." Having the Captain Awkward Archives as my primary reading material this week is helpful on that front.

One thing that almost thirteen months of sobriety has started to help me see is that I'm an emotionally strong person. Back when I was in school a colleague said "you're a rock, man" and I sort of brushed it off - especially because "If I'm so stable how come I drink so much?" These days though I'm starting to see his point and that feels good. It's not that I don't get the Big Sads or the Red Rages but that in this past year I've learned how to have emotions like that and neither let them consume me or cause me to consume booze. That feels awfully good when I stop to think about it.


Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Day 389

Bah.

Starting to finally feel better physically and then got a big case of Sad. Mostly because I've been dealing with stress on both the work and home front. So. Sick. Of. People. Living in a tourist town also doesn't help much.

But hey, I bought one of those tiny four-serving cakes from the grocery bakery and had my piece first thing when I got home. Fewer miles and dollars - both literally and figuratively - than the vodka-soda I would have had a couple years ago. Also eating a piece of cake when you first get in doesn't lead one to be oversloppy while making dinner.

But damn I wish I had a real "away" vacation lined up. Maybe next year.

Monday, June 12, 2017

Day 388

Still not healthy yet; this is getting annoying. But hey,super easy dinner and bed by 9 is the way to go.

Sober is also the way to go. For me for sure.

Sunday, June 11, 2017

Day 387

Felt worse today than yesterday; what the hell?!  Oh well it's over now: have officially moved from couch to bed.

Bunch of family drama didn't help matters a bit I'm sure.

Still...it is all so much easier to manage as a sober person...well, except for drunken family members. If I were healthy I might be all the way to amused tolerance but tonight I stalled out at annoyed.

But sleep awaits and tomorrow is a whole new day.

Saturday, June 10, 2017

Day 386

I am so glad I'm a sober person.

Youngest went to her first rock concert tonight and although I had offered to drive she made arrangements to get a ride home with a classmate. Classmate's car broke down and I learned about it at around 6:30. Not a problem! Happy to fetch Youngest and her friend!

Couple years ago I would've also done it but it would have been "staying" sober with much resentment and I would have likely started drinking when I got home at ten freaking forty-five. Madness. Especially as I'm -still- not back to health baseline...starting to think I have a light (thanks to a couple decades of vaccinations) case of Flu B as it has been way more prevalent than A and peaked late.

In any case I spent most of the day horizontal and plan to do much the same - apart from the grocery shopping - tomorrow.

Friday, June 9, 2017

Day 385

Nap day.

As in came home and had one for nearly 2 hours. Let one kid fetch the (McDonalds) dinner, let the other one feed the cats. When I did wake up I had ice cream and cookies for dinner.

When I finally went to put on my pajamas I discovered the -cutest- stuffed dachshund toy dog on the bed...THAT was why Spouse had been going on and on about getting another dog. It was sweet and thoughtful and funny (we watch a lot of _That 70s Show_ so it had sorry-about-menopause tones too) and I immediately called to say how much I loved it and apologize for what a jerk I had been -- in retrospect he had never once said anything about it being a real dog but I assumed and we all know Felix Unger said that assuming makes an ASS out of U and ME.

The whole driving thing is starting to gel for Youngest and Eldest feels okay about her first law school quiz. I feel very okay about getting to sleep in tomorrow.



Thursday, June 8, 2017

Day 384

Not a great day.

The lunch with friends wasn't that great, work was both busy and depressing and Eldest is having a rough adjustment to her only-one-but-accelerated law school class so I'm hearing a lot about that.

Plus Spouse has this running gag about getting another dog and I'm not inaplace to find that funny if it's a joke or acceptable if it's serious. But the dog I -do- own has a yeasty ear.  Got a bad case of Too Many Things Going On.

So I had two different kinds of carbs for dinner and went to bed early.

Despite everything that three hundred and eighty freaking four number is pretty cool.

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

Day 383

Two steps forward, one back.

Under weather again. Work busier and with some unpleasant features. Middle generally sullen and mild-to-moderate inconsiderate.

But hey, sober. Which means good sleep and no worries about misremembering/not remembering shit.

Tuesday, June 6, 2017

Day 382

Better day.

Must have been sick: scratchy throat in the morning but overall more energy and less sad/angry.

Discovered the totally awesome Captain Awkward blog and have been totally binge-reading the archives. Too hard to make it a clicky-link on tiny phone screen so I'll leave it as an exercise for the reader but BOY does she give good advice. Totally accepting, too.

And now sleep. Loves me some sleep. Been so long - more than a year! - since I had the sweaty pounding heart thirsty horrible wee small hours...don't miss that at all.


Monday, June 5, 2017

Day 381

Long day.

Woke up stunningly irritable - after Youngest drove us into town and she had gone into school I was actually yelling out loud in the car "that was THE most annoying thing in the WORLD!" about her having driven even though it was no different from other days.

Had a big sad for no reason later in the morning. Figured all this was emotional or menopause hormones or something so I forced myself to get out in the fresh air for a walk at lunchtime but that didn't go well either.

Had a weary slow afternoon but was still just crying tired when I came home. I thought I was depressed but noticed right before a nap my throat had got real scratchy and after sleep and some dinner including pie I felt considerably better. So maybe the whole thing is borderline sick. I never seem to figure out "gee I'm -really- irritable and sad" is "dummy that's how your body deals with a virus so you don't -get- to the runny/drippy phase" till after the fact. Of course I didn't realize the afternoon/evening flushing was fucking hot flashes either ... I thought it was somehow related to eating and wondered what weird digestive issue or carcinoid tumor I had. Being raised by a mother who, in addition to being isolationist and crazy as hell _also_ wanted to be a guy left me absolutely woefully clueless about being a woman, especially an aging one.  She made sure I was fully informed on the booze front, that's ferdamnedshur....but that's an entirely different bottle of fish.

In any case I've been taking it very easy and whether it's physical or emotional I'm hoping to sleep it off. With nice actually-rejuvenating sober sleep.

Oh and I've got a new brownie recipe to try one of these days - that doesn't suck.

Gosh it's going to be -thirteen- months soon; how cool is that?

Sunday, June 4, 2017

Day 380

Another not-great day.

So not-great, in fact, that on the way to the grocery I thought "why even bother?" as some vague reference to booze, drugs and mass quantities of highly refined sugar. Haven't succumbed to any. That alone makes this day a huge win.

Ways the day was not-great:
1) The recipe I've been wanting to try for over a month didn't turn out very well because the frozen peaches were of poor quality.
2) The home engineered dryer vent situation needed further adjustments.
3) The basement radiator which I had repaired a while back, has started leaking again. Not nearly as much as before but not zero either.

Those three alone were enough to do me in before shopping this morning...but the day had yet more in store:  Eldest's very favorite college professor died earlier this week, it is raining -again- and while doing yard clean up I noticed wood around one of the bay windows which really needs work.

Fortunately the rain caused Youngest to decide -not- to have the parking practice she wanted earlier in the day...I suppose that's something. I hadn't been looking forward to it.

==Later==

Well I'm doing a little better. It's just now 7 and I have ALL the evening chores done so if I feel like just going to sleep on the couch I can. Also since I finally had freshly washed bedding I washed the dog and then myself so that's a good way to start the week. Life goes on and the horrible becomes manageable whether I drink or not...and in fact it's better when I don't. Every time a really rotten thing happens and I deal with it all sober that's another brick in the temple of self esteem.


Saturday, June 3, 2017

Day 379

I think today I had the emotional fallout from yesterday.  Dropped off Youngest at the high school for her SAT and had a huge wave of sadness in the car on the way home. No real reason, just sad. Then a whole lot of angry also with no real reason. Was just a mess most of the morning...but that's okay.

Had cake and a glass of iced coffee (I'm a tea drinker so brewed coffee is the Big Gun of my caffeinated world) and then burned off some of the anger with yardwork but it was still an out-of-sorts kind of day.

Got a shitload of laundry done, that's for sure. There's still plenty more which is probably a contributor to the free-floating anger.

Kept messing up my knitting which was definitely a contributor to the free-floating anger.

Fell asleep on the couch in the late afternoon and surprise, surprise...that helped. When all else fails just put yourself down for a nap like an overstimulated toddler.





Friday, June 2, 2017

Day 378

What a day.

Took a personal day for the dryer repair person and then got an email at 8:36 saying arrival time would be between 11:30 and 1:30. Got a text at 1:15 telling me the service person was en route. The guy arrived at 1:40 and I just didn't care for him.

Anyhow the reason another part in the dryer failed in so short a time is because the dryer vent not only runs many feet (15 perhaps) between the kitchen floor and basement ceiling but then goes UP to a vent some 10 feet or so above ground level. The vent near the ground outside turns out to be for the range. So even if I did hire someone to put a zillion dropcloths over the vintage computers, remove the acoustic tile and thoroughly clean the ductwork the problem would only recur because of the design. And there isn't a good solution because as the repairman noticed, the laundry room is in the middle of the house.

Once again the house has painfully reminded me there are REASONS why we have the profession "architect."  We are the second owners of this house. The first owners were the ones who had it built...to blueprints they themselves had designed on one of those Eighties computer programs that aren't even made any more. Blueprints which they then shopped around to local contractors with the lowest bids. Every. Single. Time. We've had repairmen (yes, still always men in these parts) in for -anything- at some point I always hear "why did they do THAT?"

So this was a bitter but not unfamiliar pain. Two trips to the hardware store later and I've got the dryer venting into the garage for now but it looks ridiculous and means the garage door is now permanently open the width of slightly-smushed dryer air hose. But after damned near a month of heat less dryer we will adapt.

Dog acted up, brother in law acted up and the whole dryer inciden unnerved me enough that I screwed up my knitting and had to rip out a good hour-plus of work.

All that and the husband of an Internet acquaintance died. It was somewhat expected and he was 91 but it's still sad.

Carry-out for dinner and Not. One. Other. Thing. the whole rest of the night...except for re-doing the knitting I lost.

As I told Spouse on the phone, I am _really_good_ at coping. Highly capable.

But tired.

Thursday, June 1, 2017

Day 377

Okay day.

Made sure I had a substantial snack and extra caffeine around 3 and hey, presto! No sad/angry/resentful in the early evening. Seems like I'm overlooking physical issues like fatigue or hunger and attributing those things to emotion. Don't know where that came from but going to be working on it.

Stupid dryer repair customer service was supposed to text/email today to narrow down the arrival window from "between 8am and 5pm."  They texted and emailed...but only to confirm the SAME all-day window not narrow it down to morning or afternoon. Tried to get someone to pin it down morebut no luck whatsoever.

So I'm taking a personal day. Annoying but no other good choices. On the other hand it gives me another 3-day weekend and who doesn't like three day weekends?

I just hope it is an easy quick fix -- every single one of us has a bigger than usual pile of laundry.


Wednesday, May 31, 2017

Day 376

Better day.

As expected, woke up cold-free and pain-free which already made it better.

Quiet day at work which helped yet more...and my tedious 4:30 meeting got canceled.

Even so I had another round of down/sad/mad/tired from about 4:30 to about 7:30. Was dreading going home, annoyed when I got there, resentful of the usual evening stuff and just out of sorts. Treated it with some sweets and relaxing with a book for a while before starting dinner but I wasn't back to myself till after dinner and some couch-crash time. Dunno whether it's emotional or physical or both or neither but it's something...yesterday I wrote it all off to being angry-hungry but it was the same today and I made sure to have a snack. It bears watching...but I sure hope it isn't the new normal.

By 8:30 I was perky enough to do a bit of knitting so that was a nice way to end the evening. Now I'm going to try hard for Actual Sleep earlier than the past couple nights as that may be part of this early evening crash.

Funny...now that I'm used to feeling -good- most of the time I'm a lot fussier about anything upsetting the equilibrium. I tolerated and even expected far worse in the drinking past.

Tuesday, May 30, 2017

Day 375

Bah.

Woke up with the head cold Youngest had last week and also a really irritating bit of neuralgia on my scalp of all places, probably from sitting funny while I did all that knitting this weekend. Then discovered not one, not two but -three- meetings added to my schedule. So not a great day...and then I let myself get way too hungry in the late afternoon even though I know better.

But hey, I can handle not-great. Snacked as soon as I got home and then rounded it out enough to call dinner...and took Aleve as soon as there was food in my stomach. Middle and Youngest went out for dinner (she wanted to try a new fast-food thing) so I gave ABL a Hungry Man which he considers a treat and crashed on the couch. Rose briefly to do lunches and take a muscle relaxer and am now back on the couch. The whole self-care thing is pretty much second nature now. 

But damn the nerve pain is annoying. Ah well, the Flexoril should help...either it will loosen up whatever is putting pressure/swelling on the nerve or it will make me sleepy enough not to care. But in either case I think it's time to shuffle off to bed. 

 If this had happened a couple of years ago my solution would have been to drink, of course. Wouldn't have had any better chance of working but would have guaranteed a lousy tomorrow. This is a clearly superior choice but boy it took a long time to see it that way. I'm grateful to Earlier Me who started down this path. 

Monday, May 29, 2017

Day 374

Overall a good day.

Did exactly as I planned I would: banana bread followed by shower. Did it rather earlier than I thought though as the dog decided he was up for the day at 5:45. Took a little nap around 9 to make up for it.

The Meal With Mother In Law wasn't awful just tedious...and Aunt-in-Law brought an awesome vegan casserole. Her church-ladies group has at least one vegan so she brought the dish to a pitch-in and even the carnivores raved and I see why: it was great. Sweet potatoes, quinoa, apricots, sun dried tomatoes and raisins don't -sound- necessarily like they would go together but they sure did.

Better still is that I finished one knitting project and started another - that always feels good. The finished one is a lace scarf I did specifically to wear around other knitters when I eventually go on another knitting vacation (like the cruise a year and a half ago.) I had not realized that one is supposed to wear proof of skill to such an event - never even crossed my mind - so I plan to be prepared next time. The new project is also a lace scarf but it is designed to show off the yarn as it is from my favorite indie dyer.

Knitting complicated lace is something I never would have bothered to try back when I was drinking. Now I have a fancy show-off-y scarf on blocking wires drying in an upstairs bedroom. Sober rocks.

Sunday, May 28, 2017

Day 373

Much better day. Got the shopping done early, had lots of good knitting time and the new (to me; it's from a nineteen-teens cookbook) recipe was a big hit.

Wish I didn't have to take the family to MiL's for late lunch/early supper tomorrow but there's no getting out of it at this late stage. Sigh. However even the unpleasant stuff is easier sober.

Weekends categorically are easier - I've got the stuff for banana bread laid out in the kitchen and there's no worry at all that strange emotional weirdness will mess any of it up in the night or that I'll be all "oh screw this" in the morning. I can plan to make the bread and then shower while it bakes and be reasonably sure those plans will come to fruition. It seems like a small thing but it's a huge self-esteem boost.

Sleep now though.

Saturday, May 27, 2017

Day 372

An up and down day.

Had a lot of anger and sadness but all's well that ends well - back to baseline by the time dinner was over and got a lot of good knitting done today.

Now if I could just figure out three more dinners for next week I'll be set. I'm lacto-ovo and Youngest eats no meat except chicken and turkey but doesn't like many vegetables. BiL isn't fussy but Middle is both fussy -and- the kind of carnivore who thinks dinner should be a recognizeable meat, starch and veg. Innotherwords no casseroles. I'll think of something. Maybe stir-fry with the beef on the side. Or something. Sigh.

Anyhow I think it's bedtime.



Friday, May 26, 2017

Day 371

Made it to Friday.

Ended up reading instead of knitting again as I ended up too tired too early in the evening but that's okay.

Nothing at all special happened tonight and that's just fine with me.

Thursday, May 25, 2017

Day 370

A very blah day.

Dreary weather, dreary work stuff, Youngest has a cold - the whole day was kind of a downer.

Also I looked into the "community" which runs the restaurant where I had the awesome food yesterday and, sadly, I just can't give them any more of my money. It's definitely a cult and that alone wouldn't necessarily be a deal-breaker but the fact that all those young people making the very tasty food aren't allowed to eat any of it (the tribe members eat a very plain diet) was enough to turn me off...and then I read about their child-rearing practices and it was all over for me. I'll stick to the Thai place or the Mexican place from now on.

On the other hand I have a good book on my Kindle app so the day isn't a total wash. Time to just read in bed till I get sleepy. Maybe something spontaneously good will happen.

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Day 369

A bed-by-nine-thirty day.

Morning meeting, big road trip for work, other associated work nonsense and MiL's ongoing leg pain that my healthcare system keeps all but ignoring.

On the other hand I found a really good restaurant and had an awesome hot sandwich for lunch so that was something.

I'm quietly excited to be starting my -second- year of sobriety. Feels good.

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Day 368

Not the greatest of days.

Walked into the office thinking I would have a quiet restful day because I totally forgot about the three-hour file review meeting. We got done early which was good because I had a different last-minute fix-an-acute problem meeting back to back with the first meeting. No more easy.

Some of you may remember that a recent sober treat was getting 23&Me genetic testing. That finally came in by email today (hard copy to follow.) You know how eavesdropping is always its own punishment? Genetic mapping seems to be the same way. I found out that ancestry-wise I'm genetically boring (what isn't British/Irish is French/German) but lucky me I have TWO copies of the late-onset Alzheimer's gene APO-E 4. Highest risk group possible. Most people have a less than 10% lifetime risk but I have a 2% risk by age 65, a 28% risk by age 75 and a 60%  risk by age 85 which is right around when my maternal grandmother got it. Joy. I know genetic risk isn't the only factor and we call people who rely on 60% effective birth control "parents" but it was still a helluva note this morning. Made me double down on my commitment to retire the very DAY I'm eligible for full benefits, that's for sure. I also ordered vegan Omega-3 fatty acid capsules and Lutein to act as an antioxidizer to go with it. Can't hurt; might help.

Also I can finally no longer ignore the fact that the dryer won't heat. Had much anger about that being One More Thing but after looking at YouTube videos about diagnosing a non-heating dryer I scheduled a service call from an authorized repair person. Not this Friday but next which is actually decent for this area but seems like forever away.

ABL's eavesdropping got him all worked up; he thought me talking about the dryer repair to Spouse had something to do with him (ABL not Spouse) going to the doctor which he hates. Got all stressed out in the kitchen. Had to talk him down.

But hey I'm dealing with the stuff and not getting too stressed and taking plenty of lie-down time on the couch with easy escapist fiction. It will be okay.

Monday, May 22, 2017

Day 367

Drove home. Rained pretty much the whole way.

Turned in the rental car, planned menus, bought groceries, cooked dinner, did laundry...and in between spent a lot of time flopped on the couch because capital-T Tired hit hard during the grocery shopping.

Oh but won $10 on a $1 scratch-off lottery ticket. That was nice...and I hope it is a harbinger of good things to come this week. But now sleep.

Sunday, May 21, 2017

Days 365 & 366 - Soberversary!

Didn't plan to skip last night's post - fell asleep in the easy chair.

It's okay though since yesterday was Day 365 which is one year but today is May 21 which is one year by actual day. So they can both be Soberversary.

One year ago yesterday I drank for the last time. I had quit for a little over four months in 2004 then didn't even try again till 2015 when I realized in July I -really- needed to quit. Did almost two months and just over six months but this is the time which finally stuck. It's both absolutely ordinary and completely stunning all at once.

If you had told me three or four years ago I'd be able to celebrate a whole year of sobriety I would have been wistful but not very believing. "Too hard." Yeah well it hasn't always been easy but it wasn't nearly the gigantic overwhelming thing I used to make it out to be. And doing the sober thing makes so much of the REST of life so MUCH easier that it is totally worth it.

[Much later]

Didn't do anything special but Eldest made a cake which was nice. Also nice: had this house since August of 2013 but this is the first spring I've been here when the landscaping flowers were actually blooming. Five colors of iris, a couple rhododendron bushes and a lot-lot of laurel. Laurel flowers are so pretty they look like an artist's rendition of a flower all gathered up in bunches. Plus there was a mated pair of cardinals in the front yard. So that was all good.

Tomorrow I drive back to the other house. Wish I didn't have to but that's where the job is.

Here's to Year Two.

Friday, May 19, 2017

Day 364

Another day full of the crazy.

There was so much family nuttiness I threatened to buy one of those burner cellphones and start sleeping in my office. Got a laugh out of Spouse, which is hard to do. Humor is a far better coping mechanism than saving it all up to trade for really plastered.

Oh and getting a big bakery cinnamon raisin danish doesn't hurt either. Haven't had one in at least two if not more years so it was a very nice way to start the day. Stuck with me too, which I found surprising.

Still...I'm really glad to be in bed for the night. Really. Hugely. Glad. As I said on my way out of the family room,"I think only about six of every ten neurons are still working."

Tomorrow is a whole new day. Day -after- tomorrow is the official soberversary. Not sure how I'll celebrate.

Thursday, May 18, 2017

Day 363

Another long day.

Did everything I needed to do. The family doesn't know yet but I'm in bed for the night at 9:36. They'll figure it out eventually.

Been eating a lot of sweets and not doing any walking this past week - too much chaos in all other aspects of life - but I'm just letting it ride. I'm not drinking and I haven't had any big emotional outbursts so everything else can just wait.

And now sleep...keeping oneself afloat in a sea of chaos is exhausting.

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

Day 362

Another day full of the crazy.

But it's over now...and I wisely spent most of the evening horizontal on the couch as all the stress of days previous is catching up to me. One positive note though: despite all the lunacy I've had no desire whatsoever to drink. Even at the stupid work shindig with wine last night. Just went straight for the water without a second thought about it.

Since I'm going to be at the other house I think the fancy cake is gonna have to wait a month. That's okay; I need a big time treat for then too.

It's really happening. So many years of my life I had this seemingly impossible dream but it is quite possible and getting closer all the time.

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

Day 361

Another long day.

Still too much family drama thanks to Scylla...she's really pulling out all the stops this time. Had a lot of anger earlier today but oddly enough kinda peaceful now about the horrible lying and truth-twisting. She can make a lot of noise and gets to Spouse the way my mother got to me but she can't hurt me and I am not at all above telling her the hell off. One of the things sobering up, turning 50 and being menopausal gave me was the belief that I'm old and wise enough to say what the fuck I feel like saying and not be all worried about conflict or the feelings of those who have been awful. Had enough experience as an adult to figure that I'm basically decent and those who anger me probably have it coming.

That applied at work today too. Stayed angry a bit longer but got over that one too.

Gonna spend my Sunday Soberversary at the other house in more civilization; how cool is that?

Gotta sleep now though.

Monday, May 15, 2017

Day 360

Better day.

Still room for improvement but orders of magnitude superior to yesterday.

Also the big one-year mark is only five days away. That's so cool.

But for now bedtime.

Sunday, May 14, 2017

Day 359

Family drama, Day Two. Really rough day. Scylla was in such fine form I had to just leave the premises for a while. Used excuse "out of ice."

Much earlier night though - by 10:30 all the family in the house were asleep except me & dawgs and we are all piled down for the night ready to start trying.

Stayed sober. Didn't overeat due to anger/frustration/sadness either. Those things make it a day full of win already...but I also won $15 on a one-dollar lottery scratch off card so go me.

Sure hope today wasn't a harbinger for the week ahead.

Saturday, May 13, 2017

Day 358

Well technically Day 359 since it is close to two in the morning

Much family drama. Much. Still sober. Glad I'm so close to a year that even when whole rest of family started imbibing I wasn't particularly tempted. Been doing this sober thing long enough that it wasn't even really a consideration any more than eating meat would be.

Good thing too as "hey I'm a sober person" is currently one of the few positive self-esteem things I've got going for myself. Glad it's a big one.

Things will improve; they always do. Probably not tomorrow as that's the day we throw Scylla and Charybdis into the mix but maybe the day after. And once I do get to sleep I won't wake up feeling like hell so there's that.

Friday, May 12, 2017

Day 357

Not a great day.

All through work I kept telling myself that once I got home and settled I'd have the whole evening to knit. Then when it finally rolled around I was too tired to do anything but lie on the couch.

Just as I was ready to doze off I learned that not only are the away family coming up this weekend but Eldest already arranged to have MiL and her sister over to this house for Mother's Day dinner. Joy. MiL is totally excited about this new surprise development and wants to help Eldest cook said dinner in my kitchen. Color me far less than thrilled. I've already started pushing for carry-out instead.

I'll get through this and get through it sober but just -one- year I'd like NOT to have to do the inter-generational shuffle for the most guilt-laden Hallmark holiday on the calendar.






Thursday, May 11, 2017

Day 356

Super long mostly icky day.

Forgot (blocked, more like) that tonight was Youngest's scholastic awards ceremony which you would think is a good thing and in theory it is but in practice it goes on and on largely because the teachers - English most of all - feel obligated to speechify. The kookiest of the bunch said that she had five awards to give and the thing which tied them all together was...zombies. Not kidding. She made all five into various characters in her zombie apocalypse story: The Leader, The Helper,The Character, The Nerd and I can't remember the one between Character and Nerd because I was so stunned she was doing that whole "you make nerds cool" bullshit...

...well, anyhow my kid got two awards so I should be happy but after a lousy day at work and rushing around to get shit -particularly dinner - done before the awards ceremony I was in No Mood by the time we got home and the call to our Away Family didn't go well.

On the other hand after the awards ceremony -last- year I came home and had my first drink poured within five minutes of crossing the threshold at nine-thirty...then followed it up with three more. Didn't get to sleep till closer to one than midnight and I'm sure I must've done the wake-at-three go-back-to-sleep-miserable thing and must have felt like utter garbage the next day but not even noticed because that's just how mornings were.

This is better. It really is. 

Wednesday, May 10, 2017

Day 355

Really long day.

Went straight from my 4:30-5:30 meeting down to campus so Middle could move home. Had to get a printer cartridge on the way home so Youngest could print out a school assignment which meant I got way too tired and hungry before I actually ate.

Eating helped though, as did buying some pre-made deli sandwiches for lunches tomorrow - I have a very low threshold for "even making a sandwich is too much effort tonight."

Wanted to do a whole pattern repeat on my knitting project but only managed half...at least I'm learning to have good sense and stop rather than pressing on and getting frustrated. Even now at almost a year it is still all about not getting overwhelmed or frustrated.

Tuesday, May 9, 2017

Day 354



Didn't even realize I hadn't hit "post" on yesterday's entry till I came here abnormally early and at work to start today's.  Thought for sure I had...but it was late and I've been frustrated lately. Anyhow...


I was unsuccessful in getting anyone to call me back yesterday.  Figures, right?  However I kept checking and checking the online MyChart because I knew the radiology results auto-released at SOME point.  Well of course right after I finished my novel at damned near midnight and before I planned to start actually sleeping I had to check one last time...and the results were there. Apparently the magic number is four business days.  No adenoma seen. Not on any of the modalities.  A probable colloid cyst in the thyroid but that's nothing. So of course that meant I was tossing and turning and pondering (and texting the info to Spouse) till freaking one-thirty in the morning before I actually got to sleep...then woke up from a bad dream at 2:30 and was up for the day at 6...so even though it's barely 1pm right now I'm ready to call it a day.  Can't, of course, but that's what caffeine is for I suppose.


I was afraid of exactly this outcome and am frustrated by it but have decided not to have surgery, at least not now or any time soon.  What this means is that I still have primary hyperparathyroidism and it’s still causing the flimsy bones but we can’t easily point and say “there, that’s the spot causing the trouble.” 

Most of the studies say that only 60% of adenomas show up on scans and that surgical intervention is the only true curative process for primary hyperparathyroidism but I was much more okay with a teeny little surgery to go looking for a known adenoma than I am with doing the bigger surgery we'd be discussing now: bilateral exploration to look at all four glands, take the biggest one, do intraoperative PTH monitoring and all that stuff. Longer anesthesia time, more chance for nerve damage, bigger scar...and yes, as I think I mentioned a few days ago, the scar is an issue as it would be right on the front of my neck and I don't HAVE enough of a neck to be covering it up with scarves and such -- I've favored open and V and scoop necklines my whole life to avoid the snowman effect.  So even though it may still seem shallow and vain the idea of either showing off a scar to the whole world 24/7 (my primary choice) or having to learn an entirely new and awkward way of dressing (which wouldn't be possible at work anyhow as I wear scrubs now) is part of the decision-making process.

Another part is the whole anesthesia/surgery/hospital thing…never been keen on ANY of that. Particularly general anesthesia. I read _Coma_ the summer I was eleven and it really stuck with me over the years...aided by the fact that a beloved histology technician in my residency ended up dying of hypoxic brain injury due to an anesthesia misadventure while she was getting surgery for a freaking shoulder lipoma. So I'm not keen on "going under" for any reason.

And yes, the fact that my surgeon just doesn't do all that many of these and we're a teaching hospital with surgical residents plays into the decision too...more so for my family than me as I have to be all open-minded and understanding about it but my kids all know the teacher who got recurrent laryngeal nerve damage from her parathyroid surgery for exactly the kind of disease I have.

The bigger part, though, is that other studies seem to show that primary hyperparathyroidism doesn't get better or go away without surgery but it doesn't get a whole lot worse either.  If I had true osteoporosis instead of osteopenia (the precursor to osteoporosis)  I might consider going ahead with the bigger surgery but I don't....and I don't really have any symptoms either.  Yes, I had the totally-no-trauma stress fracture and will be running around knowing I'm at risk for another but I don't do high-impact anything and am not overly concerned at this point. Right now the benefits of NOT having the surgery seem more/better to me than the benefits of having the surgery.  Of course if I got a kidney stone or another fracture I would likely change my mind.

So that's THAT settled at least. I'm really glad NOT to be having surgery as you all know that the week I thought I didn't need it I was much happier than when it looked like I had to do it after all.  Maybe now I can start being more excited about other aspects of my life...like the idea that in less than two weeks I will have a WHOLE YEAR of continuous sobriety.

[much later]
Did all the evening stuff, finished another book and am now in bed. THIS time I'm putting down the smartphone early.

All my family and friends, including my two doctor friends, think I am making the right decision by not having the surgery. Good to have support.

Checked my mail and somehow I've gotten on a "Bible verse of the day" emailing list and the first one was Ephesians 5:18 And be not drunk with wine, wherein is excess; but be filled with the Spirit.   Weirdly appropriate. Maybe they start everyone out with that one or maybe someone's selling my browser history but it was an okay way to end this day. Sleep now. 

Day 353

Still no radiology results. Got a snotty secretary when I called to inquire, too. From tone of voice she clearly thought it was a great kindness to leave a message for the nurse...who never called me back. This was after pointing out that I had "just" had the tests because "it isn't even a week yet" never mind that I know damned well the radiology turnaround time is even faster than anatomic pathology. I never ever title-drop but the freaking MD is right on my chart and every single identification sticker ever printed for me so clearly that secretary either didn't bother to read past first three letters of last name plus date of birth or has some personal vendetta.



Also my lunch date got canceled.



So I came home, did a super easy dinner and buried myself in a novel for the night. Maybe tomorrow will be better. I'd kind of like to know whether I need surgery or not, y'know?

Sunday, May 7, 2017

Day 352

I declared today a Minimalist Day: only what must be done, not what ought to be done or might be a good idea. After the family drama and with the continued unseasonably cold, gray and rainy weather, I needed to just snuggle inside and not worry about steps or cleaning or anything other than reading my current novel and working on my new knitting project...so that's what I did.

Because I made the lunches early in the afternoon I had all the must-do stuff done by 6pm and that was a really good feeling. Didn't make me less annoyed that I still have no radiology results or make me miss Spouse any less or make me any less disgusted with the most recent round of family drama (which seems to have subsided I hope) but it made all of those things easier to tolerate.

Self-care means listening to myself which in this case is NOT continuing to try to knit "just one more row" on my new and relatively complicated project...and it also means NOT forcing myself to answer a friend's email yet tonight even though that's what I kind of had in mind when I sat down at this computer just now. It means winding down, walking the dog and going to bed early because the body is saying "tired" and the brain is saying "enough" and I can read a while in bed and still be asleep at a decent hour.

Two weeks from today is my one-year soberversary.  I'm excited about that but not yet planning anything to/for/by/with/at/about it...seems like there are too many other things happening all around right now.  Still thinking about ordering a fancy cake though: there's always a place for cake.

Saturday, May 6, 2017

Day 351

Bah. It's much better when days start out lousy and improve. This one was the other way around.

Lovely quiet morning fighting with my new knitting project (I won) but then family drama just kept filling the day like water in a leaky boat. Sometimes it's like that.

The weather isn't helping either; every time I had motive and opportunity for a walk it was raining hard. Poked around the supermarket and did a bit on spinny-bike but definitely didn't hit the step count today. Resentment bag though...that's another story. Going to bed and writing this blog post are part of my active emptying of said bag because it's just too draining to haul around a bag that full and heavy.

Made a curry for lunches next week and it's good but at the absolute top of my tolerable-spiciness level. I'm thinking maybe a glop of sour cream or yogurt might help. But right now sleep will help.

Getting closer to a year all the time...even on an otherwise lousy day that still feels pretty good. Banana bread for breakfast (it's cooling on the counter right now) is pretty good too. So are all of you fine people.

Friday, May 5, 2017

Day 350

Long day but a good one.

Worked hard all day but got done by four. Went for a walk after dinner and then had a brand new knitting project to play with. Got interrupted by family drama but didn't let it get to me and even made a bit of peace via social media around a friendship which had fallen apart some time ago. An overall good end to the week.

Thursday, May 4, 2017

Day 349

I've never started a post this early (quarter past six...in the morning, not evening) but I wanted to make note of something before the daily chaos made it slip my mind. While cruising the internet (okay, FaceBook) in the span of less than 3 minutes I've seen first an ad for "wine to-go cups" and now some click bait title "beer can help pain."  I don't want to harsh anybody's mellow and am overall fine with "handle your high" but ferpitysake isn't a "to go" wineglass (heavy white glass with a silicone sleeve) being marketed as "soppy cup for adults" normalizing freaking drinking in public during usually-sober times and places just a bit much?!? Hip flasks have been around forever but always carried at best an underground-rebel stigma. I get that it's a free market economy but I'm just sort of stunned. Maybe it's me. It probably is.

[MUCH later]

Such a long day. Found out my endocrinologist won't be back in the office till Monday. Our hospital's Privacy Office is real assholes about not letting anyone look in their own chart so I'm stuck not knowing outcome till -next- week.

Also had Day Two of dealing with car insurance stuff and I've just given up on ever seeing spring again...we may get snow on Monday.

On the other hand I got my 10k steps in today...by watching another episode of Catastrophe while doing spinny-bike (that's what Youngest calls the stationary bicycle) and I am going to be so sad when I work my way through the 6 episodes of Season 3 as who knows how long I'll have to wait for Season 4? Going to make it last though...I ended up totally binge-watching the new season of Transparent.

Also had some good chocolate today so that helped too.

Only just now did I realize that if today is 349 that makes tomorrow Day 350 which is a big number and getting so close to a year...once again it is amazing how everything has changed for the better. Not a huge great landslide kind of everything but a quiet buffing-and-putting-in-the-sunshine kind of everything.

And now I've got to start trying to sleep...the maybe-surgery stress is coming out in my dreams and in waking up at weird hours.

Wednesday, May 3, 2017

Day 348

Lousy day...and I freely admit the greater part of lousy was my own mood doing it.

Woke up hoping to have a MyChart message about my test results but no such luck...and that frustration set a tone for the whole rest of the day. Of course it had to be the morning I was getting the oil changed in the car -and- turning in the plates from the car we just gave Eldest -and- faxing the subsequent paperwork to the insurance company all on a day when I had a bunch of Actual Work to do. Cue up resentment there...and the weather was all cold and rainy and I didn't really like what I'd packedmyself for lunch and and and...well, you get the idea.

For the first time in two and a half weeks I just couldn't talk myself into going for a walk at any point during the day. Hell I took to my bed at six but didn't get to stay there - ABL freaking had to do his laundry  and although he would be -capable- of doing it with Youngest's minor supervision, the _ritual_ involves me. His version of autism is way big on ritual and routine.

Be that as it may I more or less got over myself and got the evening stuff done. Now I'm back in bed for real this time...and hoping I'll be in a better emotional place tomorrow. If nothing else I won't have as much work to do which should help.


Tuesday, May 2, 2017

Day 347

So the tests were time consuming but not the least bit stressful. After an injection of the radioactive stuff (cue up The Firm) it was nothing but lying  on table with knee and arm rests while flat large camera is very close to face then right side at angle then left side at angle 10 min each for total of half hour in two sessions an hour apart. I'm good enough at relaxing I dozed off both times.  Then at the end of the second session they do a short neck CT scan followed by going to a different room for a neck ultrasound. Easy peasy.

Of course now everything hinges on the -results- of those tests. It is possible I will have a message waiting as early as tomorrow morning. 

I planned to have my good toffee when I got home but ended up saving it in favor of the chocolate pie I made because it turned out really well but won't keep. Of course I had a second piece.

Glad to have the tests behind me. Glad to be doing all of this totally sober, too - not only is there no morning dragginess but there's no self-doubt or shame whatsoever. 


Monday, May 1, 2017

Day 346

Irritable day.

Spent the whole day squeezing a lot of work into a short amount of time because I'm going to be in and out of Radiology most of the day tomorrow. Had a dumb meeting in the middle of the day which didn't help.

Neither did the fact that the "away" family hasn't been demonstrating much, if any, concern or support for my scans tomorrow. Between that and Eldest not thanking me for the car I just signed over to her I filled my bag of resentment damned near all the way today. Robert Heinlein said we should never expect gratitude and he was right but it still hurts and it doesn't do me any good to pretend it doesn't. He didn't have anything to say about expecting concern. I suppose I understand that there's no point getting worked up over the -tests- since it is what the scans -show- that matters but I _am_ edgy about it, I've told the family I'm edgy about it and they know how generally weird about any kind of "sick" I am in the first place so it would be nice to get even an "I'm thinking about you."

Peace in the Mideast would be nice too.

So I made a no-recipe-just-guessing no-bake chocolate cheesecake (out of leftovers from other baking projects; canyoubelieve?) and then did spinny-bike while it set up because I didn't have a chance to take an actual walk during the day. Watched two episodes of Catastrophe which is turning out to be really enjoyable.

Had to taste the pie (delicious and good texture) even though I usually never eat this late at night and it may well give me nightmares or heartburn or both. So be it.

And now to sleep. Sleep helps everything.

Sunday, April 30, 2017

Day 345

Another pleasant valley Sunday.

(Okay I'm not really a big Monkees fan but that's a good song.)

Anyhow it was a low key usual kind of weekend day: grocery, a walk, laundry and dinner. Tried those no-boil lasagna noodles for the first time and was surprised they actually do work really well.

Kept plugging away at my novel and I'm thinking I'll finish it tonight. Otherwise not a bit of interesting anything but that's perfectly okay. Boring beats emotional rollercoaster most any day.

Day after tomorrow is all my parathyroid radiology stuff - kinda dreading it for no good reason at all. It won't hurt, ferpitysake. Probably just my usual unease about the unknown. But soon it will be over and I have a bag of my good high-end free-trade dark chocolate covered toffee for Tuesday night as a reward for getting through a sestamibi scan and an ultrasound as a sober person. Treats are important.




Saturday, April 29, 2017

Day 344

Wow that's a lot of days. Awfully close to a year now and it's both very awesome and absolutely ordinary.

This morning the dog decided we were up for the day at six thirty which was okay by me. Had to overnight mail some documents to Eldest so I went into town at eight thirty. As I was parking in the town lot who should be walking by but my mother-in-law? Yup. A year ago I would have already been trying to fix that draggy dizzy probably headachy feeling and wanting nothing more than to get to and from the post office as quickly as possible so I could lie back down and push fluids. Running into MiL would have been a calamity about which I would have complained vociferously and no doubt used as an excuse for yet more drinking the next day:"any day that -started- with running into..."

Yeah well today I just took it in stride. Walked with her to the bank and back to her apartment which meant I got caught up on all the news about herself and her sister which is useful for the family overall and deposits in the Bank of Good Will are always a smart move. So that felt pretty darned accomplished.

[later] Bah. Tried a new recipe and when I copied it out of the book I forgot to copy the sugar so I was attempting to make miniature pecan pies (tastiest) with no sweetener whatsoever. I -wondered- at the idea of a savory pecan anything but went blithely on...fortunately it is a small-batch recipe. Just goes to show that getting sober doesn't cure all stupidity/forgetfulness/etc. As Robin Williams said, "I'm the same asshole; I just have fewer dents in my car." On the other hand I'm -taking- this particular oops better than usual. I'm really feeling the "oh well" that people say about stuff like this when in the past I would be totally beating myself up over it. Now I'm just trying to decide whether or not I want to re-make the recipe correctly tomorrow and I'm thinking "nah...probably not." Learned enough about the process I know I -could- make a successful batch but don't really see the need to do it. That's a good place to leave it. 

Friday, April 28, 2017

Day 343

Okay day.

Still cranky but escapist fiction seems to be adequate therapy. Having a bowl of ice cream first thing when I got home didn't hurt either. So glad it is Friday which means carry out for dinner and no need to make stupid lunches for the next day.

Surprisingly tired...but that's what bed is for.

Thursday, April 27, 2017

Day 342

Moody day.

Did everything I had to do but was just in a funk all day - probably just all the week's events catching up to me. In addition to my own shit there's been family stuff going on.

At least when my cheeks got all flushed after dinner I realized it wasn't "oh gee what did I eat that's disagreed with me?" but a hot flash. Then I felt stupid for not figuring it out long ago but I'm the only child OF an only child and my mother had a surgical menopause at age 40 and got slapped on Premarin so I had no frigging clue. And I suppose if I'm stoic/stupid enough not to realize "that much pain for that long equals broken" then I'm stoic/stupid enough not to realize "flushed cheeks and a general sense of frustration is a hot flash."

I should maybe stop being so down on myself, huh?

Tomorrow is a whole new day.

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Day 341

Better day.

Ridiculously tired all day but in a better headspace. Have adopted "full-on crone" as the term to describe this hey-now-I'm-menopausal thing because I find it amusing. Have accepted the whole fucking-_surgery_-man thing too.

It was double site visit day so I took myself to lunch in the nearby college town. Discovered the Thai place I wanted was closed on Wednesdays so I went to the Mexican place nearby and learned that a "torta" is basically just a sandwich although the bread is warm and soft and vaguely reminiscent of an English muffin. Interesting but not something I'll get again.

Been burying myself in the Kindle app on my phone - nothing like escapist fiction when life gets too damned complicated. Also been pretty committed to my walking lately too - haven't lost an ounce but I definitely feel better so it's worth the effort. As I've seen in social media..."gosh I really regret that workout" said Nobody Ever. I'm far from "workout" but I do always feel better after a walk even if I really really didn't want to start it.

Doin' okay. Hell, all things considered doing freaking great. Creeping up on a whole -year- sober which is awesome and still pretty unreal-feeling.

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Day 340

Not a great day.


Woke up out of weirdly disturbing dreams to an email from my new endocrinologist. Remember how happy I was last week about how I wasn't going to need surgery?  Yeah, well...all the labs are back and now it looks like I DO need surgery:
----------------------
Your calcium as well as PTH level has slowly gone back up in the range consistent with diagnosis of primary hyperparathyroidism. In the absence of any other identifiable cause for low bone mass + with history of non-traumatic fibular fracture + Young age --> you are a candidate to be considered for parathyroid surgery by Dr. R If you agree, I will place an order for neck ultrasound and sestamibi scan to localize over-active parathyroid before sending you back to Dr. R.
-----------------------


Talk about feeling sucker-punched. I didn't realize till I got that email just how much I didn't want surgery.  Yeah, sure, logically I know it's the right thing to do otherwise my bones will continue to get increasingly flimsy and I definitely don't want another stress fracture - one was more than enough - but emotionally I'm not so great with any of this. Not the neck surgery which I KNOW carries the risk of injuring a certain nerve which would mess with voice, smell and taste...and definitely not the whole general-anesthesia idea: I read Coma at the impressionable age of 11 and it's stuck with me all these years, see.


Also, if I'm being honest, I'm not at all happy with the idea of a scar on my neck, either...oddly enough, my neck is one of the things I'm kind of vain about. I have such a short neck I always wear open/V-neck tops otherwise I get way too much snowman effect.  I hope it's a good-looking scar because I'm not going to change what I wear this late in the game.


In any case I spent the whole morning pretty much in a fog/funk/depression and my very practical-minded not-terribly-sympathetic family didn't really help all that much. I wanted sympathy over sensibility...but I'm doing better now. The drive to and from my site visit helped me come to terms with things and the practical aspects of scheduling the imaging (radioactive stuff! I might glow in the dark! Okay, not really) and the various visits helped too.


Boy I hope my fancy toffee comes today...I could use some candy therapy

[A bit later]: The doctor wanted to do estradiol and FSH levels to see whether or not I was in menopause (I had endometrial ablation 6 years ago; can't recommend it highly enough) because it makes a difference how they interpret bone scans. Those results are just in and I am post-menopausal. Yippy-skippy.  Surgery and menopause all in the same day; ain't it just so special ?!!?

[much later]: The toffee -did- come, praise be. Ate one package of 5 little squares all by myself then shared a second with Youngest and ABL. That leaves two more for later.

Of course this day being what it is, ABL had to get pushy about dinner. Yeah well. Dinner was insanely easy: Stouffers mac&cheese and microwave-steamed broccoli. Went into close-down-the-mountain mode and crashed on the couch both before and after dinner which seems to be helping as did texting with Middle about the events of the day.

Had dying bananas so I made banana bread which is now in the oven. I'm back on the couch till it's done then it will be off to beddy-bye. Banana bread and bed are definitely better than booze. Even on a lousy day like today. Especially on a lousy day like today.

Monday, April 24, 2017

Day 339

Good day.

Woke up way too early even by my standards - 5:40 ferpitysake! Once I was over that fact though, it was a pretty easy day. The meeting was as long and tedious as I expected but it was a simply beautiful day for my walk afterwards.

Got home & my 23&Me kit was in the mail as well as a used book I totally forgot I ordered so that was grand. The cheese enchiladas weren't as good as last time but still plenty tasty and I got all the chores done early in the evening.

I heard the knitting instructor who was the reason I went on the cruise last year might be doing one on a different cruise line in '18 or '19 so that right there is enough to push me into the saving-money mode I had been working toward anyway...we'll see how that goes. I tend to go through long chunks of frugal followed by bursts of spending. Gonna try to stay entertained with the toys I already have for a while.


Sunday, April 23, 2017

Day 338

Weird day.

Up early, got the shopping done.

Spent most of the day seeing if I like quilting. Nope. Too fiddly.

Went into town to have my walk on sidewalks but didn't like that either because there were tourists (already - sheesh) and I was hungry. Cut the walk short.

On the other hand my new socks are fantastic. They're Bombas and totally live up to the hype. One of my new goals is to convert my entire sock inventory; that will take a while as they're on the pricey side. Worth it.

Realized around dinner time I was Really Effing Tired so made it a bed-by-eight-twenty kind of night. Not keen on tomorrow; not only do I have to ferry the kid in early for her daily AP History study sessions but I have my miserable monthly 90-min meeting. Think I'll be taking my walk right afterwards...that's the plan, anyhow.


Saturday, April 22, 2017

Day 337

Flopping on the couch at 8 is kinda like going to bed for the night at 9, right? Especially if there's a good chance of dozing off?

Decent day despite the cold and gloom. Finished the top out of my last yard goods order so I have something brand new to wear at my miserable 90-min meeting on Monday. This means I'm finally done with making clothing and can experiment with quilting up the scraps/leftovers. Gonna make a placemat because I'm not sure at all that I will even -like- quilting; it might be far too fiddle. Only one way to find out.

Meanwhile I also managed to eke -some- light out of our miserable basement fixtures. I got rather taken by the contractor who finished the basement; one aspect is the fluorescent light fixtures. They are without a doubt the cheapest and flimsiest versions I have ever seen and among other flaws don't have a notch to get the bulbs in and out. They need flat-out replaced by an electrician but I managed to get one out of four bulbs working in each of two separate fixtures which is more overhead lighting than we've had there in over a year.

Tried making sausage gravy with soy-based vegetarian "sausage" and it was as so-so as one would expect. As a general rule of thumb, stand-in versions of things usually aren't as good as the genuine article and I knew that but "sucker for the new-to-me thing" won out.

Also took a walk...hey when I write it all down like this it seems like a lot - no wonder I'm tired! Think I'm going to go to bed by way of the kitchen and the las biscuit from breakfast with some butter and honey.

Friday, April 21, 2017

Day 336 Eleven Months

Yup, it's here: I did it!

Eleven months. Almost a year. Twelve months ago I was feeling so down on myself and miserable and wistful about even the -idea- of this much sobriety and now I've done it and yeah, it IS much better.

Not only did I order the 23&Me genetic thing but I got two books for my Kindle app and a used paperback AND some  high-end gourmet toffee.  Pretty good haul, I'd say. Plus work turned out to be light enough that I could leave for the day at a bit past three which pretty much never happens any more.

Took a little nap (super-exciting and living on the edge, right?) and had a nice dinner and did some sewing and it was all just so low-key...and now it's not even ten and I don't have to worry about whether there's enough booze or if I'm at the right stage of drunk or if I should be pushing fluids so I won't feel so bad in the morning and how late I can sleep in and....nah, none of that thrash any more. Didn't seem like a thrash at the time - seemed normal at the time - but you get so much more LIFE back when you're not self-embalming every night and extra on the weekends.

Oh and a couple-three days ago I ordered myself some fancy socks, too - almost forgot about that. I have so many goodies coming in the mail soon...go me!

Now I think I'll go to bed with one of my new electronic books...there's nothing like being able to lie in the dark and still read. Tech is grand. Sober is grand. Actually taking -care- of oneself is grand.

A high of only 48 degrees F tomorrow...not so much.  But hey, it is what it is, right? Excuse to stay in, if nothing else.

Thursday, April 20, 2017

Day 335

What an annoying day.

Work was just one long string of issues all day long. One of them was so damned dumb I had to take a walk around campus to cool down. Healthier than fuming at my desk, that's for sure.

Somewhere along the way I realized "been back from vacation less than a week and my psoriasis is acting up." All this time I thought it was family triggered. Silly fucking me. On the one hand I'm happy it -isn't- the family but on the other hand it's not like I can change much about the job either. That's what steroid lotion is for, I guess.

The stink-cherry on this bullshit sundae of a day was dropping ABL's mini-pizza cheese-side down as soon as it came out of the toaster oven. Fortunately I had another in the freezer. Even more fortunately I -didn't- have a meltdown...kind of impressed myself there.

I did, however, eat not all the carbs but definitely a lot and called it dinner.

Tomorrow is eleven months!!

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Day 334

Another in-bed-by-9 day.

Finally had my endocrinology appointment and the good news was that my new doctor is absolutely stellar in every way with the better news being that I certainly won't need parathyroid surgery. The bad news was that there was a whole big bunch of data from 2008 in my electronic chart that _wasn't_my_stuff_. Like a chest X-ray when I haven't had one of those since I was eleven. She and I both thought that was pretty worrisome. Clearly some kind of mismatch but when I emailed our chief information technology doc about it he turfed it to the Privacy Office which I thought was kind of a cop out.

Had an absolutely miserable meeting from 5-6 which ran over till 6:15 and the only tangible things I took away from it were that there will be yet another evaluation form coming up soon and that two of the high-end docs -really- hate each other.

I knew the meeting would suck so I planned an easy dinner and saved myself a nice dark chocolate Easter egg to have the moment I crossed the threshold. That was all well and good but for some reason I got alternatingly angry and sad after dinner for no good reason...or maybe from what seemed like too much stupidity for one day. In any case I did the evening things I -had- to do and then just went the hell to bed.

Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

Day 333

A really good day.

This morning as I was walking up the hill from parking lot to office I realized that it isn't just the lack of hangover that makes sober mornings better; it's the lack of regret.

Took a long walk at lunch with my totally dumb fun podcast, tried a new recipe for dinner and had enough energy/momentum/whatever to do three minor household fixes that have been needing done for many months.

Thought again of sitting at my Actual Computer in the family room for a wordy post but Youngest was heavily into a video game on the TV and I didn't want to be the distraction in her peripheral vision. It's not really the quantity of the blog post but the doing of the blog post which matters.

So I finished a top instead. As I was sewing the bobbin thread ran out -just- as I finished a seam but not -during- the seam. That was a true blessing.

Once "tired" hit (and hit hard) I went to bed. With books, of course.




Monday, April 17, 2017

Day 332

The first day back to work after vacation is always draining.

Got through it though - when you know your time will be truly productive because there's no post-booze physical and emotional misery you can plan out how best to deal with the day and have it actually work.

Getting back to the regular household routine is good too...I was so sick of it before vacation I felt like breaking things but the away-time helped me get my perspective back.

And speaking of "back"....I got MY car back finally and it just makes everything so much nicer any time I have to drive. Didn't realize (or maybe didn't -let- myself realize) how suboptimal sharing the other car was.

And now to sleep. Big fan of good sleep.

Sunday, April 16, 2017

Day 331

Busy day. Bed-by-9:30 kind of day.

After a long day with a big to-do list it is just so nice for the default reward to be "climb into bed" instead of "down a drink or two." Going to bed is restful and soothing and simple. Drinking, though I always -thought- it was a relaxing reward, just made everything more complicated. Sleep, doing stuff...all of it. Oh sure I was totally all about -deserving- the booze for years and years and convinced myself it made things better not worse but now that I've been away from it a while (11 months on Friday!) I can see it was all just a big illusion.

I had planned to sit down at my Real Computer with Actual Keyboard and do a big long post but by the time I did all the back-home things I realized bed was what I needed. Maybe I'll be all verbose another day.

Feels good to be finally treating myself more like the way I would treat a beloved relative. Wish I'd started catching onto it decades ago.

Saturday, April 15, 2017

Day 330

A good day.

Sad night because it's the last day of my vacation but it was a good day. Went to the mall with Eldest which was actually a fairly big deal as home is so damned rural. We had a really nice time. 

Been a good vacation. Wish it could be longer. Trying not to think of all the stuff I gotta do when I get back. 

Friday, April 14, 2017

Day 329

Lazy day. My phone says I only barely broke 3000 steps.

Big food day too - Spouse & I finally had anniversary lunch. Good thing Eldest and I have big shopping day planned for tomorrow. Then I drive home Sunday.

I'm in that weird emotional place of not wanting the vacation to be over yet also starting to miss home  and routine.

Still really glad to be sober. Life gets so much easier.

Thursday, April 13, 2017

Day 328

A more challenging day.

Eldest and SiL returned which changed the household dynamic. MiL still thinks I'm having Easter dinner at her house even though I have told her no twice already. Car shuffle. Realization that my vacation is more than half over. None of it bad, exactly, just more stressful and then I got an irritated spot on my left eye. Time to call it a night.


Wednesday, April 12, 2017

Day 327

Good calm day.

No more free floating rage or sadness. Willing to write the whole thing off as viral and/or hormonal. Feeling much more like myself again.

Once more I was reminded how great waking up rested and totally functional is - had an early appointment for the car and it was just no trouble to be up, dressed and out the door on a -vacation- day. Even if it is just routine stuff being fully -present- is just so much better. Doubly so on vacation which for so many years was a three syllable word for "drink freely without worry about getting up in the morning."

Breaking the cycle of drink/up too late/bad sleep/up too early/repair strategies/repeat is the best thing ever for vacation. You get so much -time- back.


Tuesday, April 11, 2017

Day 326

Quiet day.

Took a four hour nap in the middle of the day which seems to have made the anger vanish so now I'm wondering if the anger was of the overtired tantrum-y toddler variety. In any case I'm glad it's gone.

Beautiful weather today - downright hot this afternoon. Not one single Actual Task today; I did some crocheting and finished my novel. Tomorrow I get the oldest of our three cars fixed up so we can eventually transfer it to Eldest and SiL...but that is the only chore remaining for the whole vacation.

So far, so good.

Monday, April 10, 2017

Day 325

I wish I knew why I was so -angry- all the time. Seems like now that I'm on vacation and don't have lots of stuff going on it is my new default state. Hard.

Slept in till ten past nine today; that was something. The weather was absolutely beautiful today; that was nice too. Even saw the first violet of the year. Had some good food too. Just wish I knew what was behind all the anger. Guess it will come in time

Sunday, April 9, 2017

Day 324

A decent day.

Woke up with a vicious muscle-tension headache which put me in a stunningly bad mood till I killed it with aspirin and half a muscle relaxant tablet. It cast a huge cloud over everything and had me in a vile mood - unbelievable to think I accepted damned near daily morning headaches for -years-. 

Later in the afternoon I found myself in a huge fit of anger. Lots of little things and a couple not so little things had all brewed into a huge bunch of rage, far out of proportion to any of the things themselves...but I rode it out and didn't even end up overeating. Got busy with a cleaning project instead and rolled with it. Eventually it dissipated. 

Tomorrow is only Monday and I don't drive back till Saturday so that's one good thought and the other good thought is that I have not one damned thing planned all day. Well, except for walking the dog in the morning but I can do that in pajamas and go right back to bed if I feel like it.

Saturday, April 8, 2017

Day 323

First real day of vacation and it has been really good.

Got up at 6, was on the road by 6:30 and the driving was all done by11. It was all so easy.

I blog every day to keep from getting complacent about my sobriety even though I don't always talk about it explicitly. Today though it was just really obvious that sobriety is better. Without it no doubt I would have used "on vacation" as a reason to drink as much as, if not more than, usual. Which means I would have had lousy sleep and felt miserable for the drive...plus not been nearly as safe a driver, frankly.

Sober meant good sleep and an easy drive and the only thing I was when I got here was hungry. I gotta say, the whole Being Present thing is worth it.

Friday, April 7, 2017

Day 322

A good day because as of 4pm I am on _vacation_. Already in bed so as to sleep early, awaken early and get that 4.5 hour drive -done- early. You can do that pretty easily as a sober person.

This time I have toys and no need to drive all over everywhere so I'm thinking it is already a better gig.

I also need away from -here- for a good solid week as both the weather and ABL have been getting on my nerves of late. A week of sleeping in, no real responsibilities and nice warm sunny days should help a lot. Plus Eldest and SiL are going away that same week (up here actually to finish some business) so Spouse and I will have much deserved just-us time. Looking forward to it.



Thursday, April 6, 2017

Day 321

A better day.

Colin Powell was right: no matter what the problem, it will always look better in the morning. Today Spouse and I talked about the fact that although the drainage issue was indeed a problem, it wasn't nearly as super-urgent as the first repairman seemed to indicate and further reflection upon how he acted toward Spouse and Eldest during the estimate made us conclude that he was doing too much of the hard sell. While I'm down there on vacation next week we will get a second estimate, but we're not going to immediately rush right into a huge remediation project.

But boy do people want us to borrow money - my cellphone rang more today than it has in the entire 15 years I've had one. Once I got home for the night I finally wised up and told the two most persistent callers that I'd gone with another lender...

...which leads right into a particular pet peeve of mine: whatever happened to telephone manners?  I wasn't allowed to PLACE a call in my childhood till I was able to say "Hello this is SamKD, may I please speak to Paul ?" (He was my best friend at the time.)  We held all three children to the same standard but every single time I answered the phone today I got "is this SamKD?" Rude, rude, rude. For the sake of expediency I replied "yes, it is..." and waited but from now on out I'm saying "You called me; who is THIS?"

Anyhow that whole big ugly issue is reasonably resolved for now.  You can probably tell I'm at a real keyboard instead of tippy-tapping on my phone from bed; I'm far more verbose than usual.

Today was also my Big Loop in which I travel to two separate branch facilities for a total of 140 miles from start to finish and I had to do it in the pouring rain -- I am SO sick of driving in the rain. For compensation I took myself to lunch at the one reasonably-local Thai place and liked it very much although in future I need to order my food as a "1" on the 0-5 spicy scale.  Two was still tasty but a tad more spicy than I'd truly like.

Stuffing myself full of good curry made the rest of the afternoon far more tolerable. As soon as I got home I attacked the now-refrigerated giant cookie and discovered that if one could chisel it out of the pie-pan (yes, very well greased beforehand--didn't help enough) it was actually pretty good.  So that improved too.

Then out of the blue Middle walked through the door - what a nice surprise! He said he wanted to see me before I went on my vacation and it was very nice indeed. He seems to be doing well which warms my heart.

World events, however, don't warm my heart at all. I haven't had the television on at all in a good six weeks but Spouse said that I ought to turn on the news as our President had ordered a missile launch against Syria so now I'm listening to CNN for the first time in at least four months. I guess I'm glad I heard Trump's (very short) speech as it happened but the whole thing is just depressing.

On the other hand I wasn't sleepy anyhow so this is at least interesting.  For maybe another half hour I guess.

Oh I almost forgot: I think my treat for eleven months (which will be the 21st which is only two weeks away) will be finally doing 23AndMe. Now that I've eliminated the biggest threat to my health it might be worthwhile to get some genetic information, y'know?

We certainly live in interesting times.

Wednesday, April 5, 2017

Day 320

Some days just suck.

Stuck at home waiting for signature-required delivery so tried a new dessert I saw online: giant samoa cookie. Also cut out last piece of scrub top fabric. Felt pretty good about all that. Went to work and had an uneventful hour.

Then learned that standing water around other house turned out to be inadequate sump pump and piping when house originally built. With special bonus of two new cracks in poured concrete basement. Price tag to fix? Low five figures. Yeah...five. And this is "caught early; no leaking anywhere yet."

Meeting I expected to last only 30-45 min ran for 70. During meeting I thought "hey, isn't that what homeowners insurance is for?"

Got home and had shower bath first thing. Self care after hard news is key. Good thing I did too because after the bath I learned that homeowners most likely will not cover this as it is "water damage" but not the kind of natural disaster flooding which would cause our flood insurance to kick in. While waiting for homeowners insurance agent to email back started investigating home equity loans/credit lines which resulted in my cellphone blowing the hell up with calls - apparently everybody is super-eager to become our debtor. Who knew? Not I, and it seems kinda sleazy.

Then the dessert sucked.

So after a brief respite on the couch I have ignored the dishes, taken Motrin PM and gone to bed. Even if tomorrow sucks just as badly (ghawdforbid -another- chunk of change that size) I will be rested and better able to face it.

I hope.



Tuesday, April 4, 2017

Day 319

That number slowly gets bigger. Good.

Easy work day but grumpy anyhow in large part due to the weather: dreary cold rain all day. Plus a bunch of stuff on the family To Do list.

Got myself a cookie at the grocery but also an even better treat: splurged and got prepackaged deli sandwiches for ABL's lunch every day this week and since I had already splurged on single-serving starches and sweets I turned "making lunch" into literally just grabbing things and putting them in a bag. Can't justify doing it -all- the time but this week,being squeezed between the "working" long weekend and my Actual Vacation is sort of weird anyhow and needs all the help it can get.

Bed early again - that always helps too. Oh and although it was dreary I did walk to the drugstore and back today and getting a walk, even a small one, always feels like good self-care.

Monday, April 3, 2017

Day 318

Home again. Such a long day. Definitely not my preference to do the drive then go to work all the same day but it's not every day a department merger officially happens either.

Months of sobriety meant I was clear headed enough to be -able- to have a big long day like today...I can't even begin to imagine how things would have worked out if I had tried to cram so much into one day when I was still drinking. That's always a nice boost for the New Me.

But now to sleep - Youngest has before-school review sessions for her Advanced Placement US History course every freaking school day between now and the May exam and they count as part of the grade. Means getting up 30-45 min early for the foreseeable future. Joy. Sure feels good to be curled up under the covers by 9 though.

Sunday, April 2, 2017

Day 317

Finally it winds down.

Eldest and SiL are safely home and I leave in the morning for the other house. Glad the working vacation is over. Real vacation starts next weekend and is right back here but without any set obligations or the Kids because they have business back north and will be leaving the day after I arrive and returning the day before I leave. That should feel more like vacation because nothing will be hanging over my head and I will remember to bring toys this time: crochet project, coloring supplies, different reading material. Also the unexpected cold snap will be gone so I can take walks which always help even when I don't think they will.

Glad I had this blog and so many days: my sobriety felt very fragile this trip. It is intact so hurray for me.

Saturday, April 1, 2017

Day 316

Wow 316 is a big number. Good to see it too as it has been one angry day.

Went to sleep last night angry, woke up better then was angry again by nine and it's been coming and going in waves ever since. Nobody can push one's buttons better than family. But hey, I'm almost entirely through the day by now and I didn't drink so that's a win.

Have eaten way too much carb both relative to protein and categorically not just today but this whole long weekend...but in the grand scheme of things I don't much care. It isn't that I want to drink but that I want to Not Feel and alcohol used to be the easy ticket to Noshitsgivenistan. Now that's off the table so I've got to - gasp, horrors - live through the emotions and feel all the feelings. I'm a lot better at dealing with anger than I was a few months ago but it is still hard. Boredom is hard too and that's been next up after anger this weekend - I didn't bring any yarnstuff and my books are turning out to mostly suck.

But this too shall pass. Every day is a new chance to -not- be sucky. And even really lousy sober days contain the one gem of "this would be so much -worse- with a hangover or with fresh booze on board." So there's that.

Friday, March 31, 2017

Day 315

Hanging in there.

Drove the kids to the airport in heavy rain over a route I hadn't taken in over 20 years and did just fine. That ended up being the big excitement of the day though. Poured rain the whole day and is still raining so not much motivation to go anywhere and not much to do here as I'm in one of those nothing seems to satisfy moods. But it will pass eventually.

Planning on going back to slee for a nice long while after walking the dog tomorrow though.

Thursday, March 30, 2017

Day 314

Weird day.

Drove down to the other house and early on saw a bald eagle fly across the highway to roost in a tree - I actually gasped with delight. It took almost 50 years but the DDT ban worked: they are coming back.

Got too tired and hungry on the trip though despite bringing along some cheese. Had planned to stop at a local-to-this-house deli on my way in to get myself a drink and something to eat but it was right at noon and parking lot looked crowded so I thought "Nah, it will be fine; I will still have Lipton from last time or Eldest will have gotten more because she knows I am coming." Guess what? No tea. That - and choosing to be a good sport about it - was enough to send me into a huge spiral of resentment which only improved a little after I made tea. Every minor issue became Just One More Thing and there were LOTS of little minor issues.  It's only now that I am in bed that I am finally starting to emotionally unwind.

I keep thinking I -ought- to be happier to be here. It's the first time I've seen Spouse in four or five weeks and although I -am- happy it is also tempered with annoyance at how he and Eldest can manage to blow complexity into just about any damned thing. I know people are like wood and some just burn hotter than others and probably by morning I'll get my sea legs (how's that for mixing metaphors?!) but it was all a little much this afternoon and evening. 

On the other hand there is not only no snow but our azelea bush is blooming. That's not nothing.


Wednesday, March 29, 2017

Day 313

Accomplished day.

Got everything done I needed to do before leaving town so that felt productive. Tired and achy but early bedtime always helps.

Things seem better at the other house too. Eldest reset the weights in her head and isn't all full of resentment any more. Glad of that. 

Getting a lot of love on social media lately; that feels good. Also the snow is -finally- more gone than still around. All in all things are better.

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

Day 312

Bah. Should get to sleep early tonight as Youngest has to be at school early for a rehearsal but I'm angry and anger is the absolute best emotion to kill sleep.

Had really long unpleasant work day then Eldest decided to do another round of "why did you let Middle have X when you wouldn't let me have Y?!" This, of course, by phone from 300 miles away. I credit long term sobriety as the reason I was able to stay mostly calm with the entire "away" family unit tonight. However that same long term sobriety is also why I now see several unhealthy emotional games being played and I think at least part of my anger is frustration at not being able to do One Thing about anybody -else's- thoughts or feelings or behaviors.

The rest is just plain old "why can't •I• be the center of attention once in a while?" Probably with a side of resentment...so I have plenty of stuff to own in all this not the least of which is the years of my own game-playing and drinking behaviors. Doesn't make me any less ticked right now though.

Writing about it does though so that's something. The act of putting words together into a document is both calming and focusing. Which is good because of previous need-sleep-early comment. Gonna try to do so now that my anger seems to have dissipated.

Gosh it's more than 10 mo this now and creeping up on 11 - even when everything else is kinda crappy that's something good to hold.

Monday, March 27, 2017

Day 311

So glad it's a short week. Thursday morning I leave for the other house and even though it's just a long weekend with two trips to the airport in it I will be away from -here- which has got to help. Between weather and work I'm down enough that positive things aren't cheering me up the way they normally do and that's not a good way to be.

Tomorrow will be particularly hard: difficult meetings all day, one of which is a 45 min drive away. On the other hand it will be grilled cheese and tomato soup for dinner that night (by request of Youngest) which sounds about right.

Not my circus, not my monkeys and not my issue at all really but I do hope the nightly drinking at the other house gets put on hold while I'm there...it isn't that I'm tempted but that I dislike sitting around trying to converse but also dislike being the Bad Guy for going to bed early. Guess it's a wait-and-see thing.

After this long weekend I work for four days then I'm off for a glorious week -- right back to the other house but with no responsibilities it will indeed be a vacation and I'm so looking forward to it. I need Away From in a big way.

But there's still two more days of this week and I'd better head off to bed - I keep waking up in the night so it's good to get an early start. How I functioned on the kind of crappy sleep alcohol causes seems strange and bizarre now...yet I did it for years and years. Now instead of expecting that middle of the night awakening along with a crazed "maybe not if I..." thought process I'm vaguely annoyed IF I don't get a good full night of sleep. That alone is a really powerful motivator for sobriety because  proper sleep makes everything better.

Sunday, March 26, 2017

Day 310

Better day. Slept till 9 which definitely helped.

Otherwise it was a typical Sunday: grocery and errands. Also I finished my latest top in time to wear tomorrow. Had originally -thought- it would be done last Sunday night but that was the peak of my disgruntlement so no dice.

Ground still almost entirely snow covered. Dreary. But a light and short work week so that's something.  Really glad I'm not trying to treat too much winter with alcohol.

Saturday, March 25, 2017

Day 309

Blah. For what seems like the millionth day in a row (but might be a dozen or 15 at most) I woke up, wandered into the kitchen and was overcome by depression and frustration and general annoyance. For the same damned reasons too: snow all over everything as far as the eye can see and the last conversation with Spouse over the phone the previous night had been through a veil of alcohol. Can't argue with either one of those things but don't have to like them. Don't have to like the morning to-do list either and totally didn't as I was puttering around doing it.

But even though it seems that way at the time no feeling lasts forever. By the time I had to take Youngest into town I'd morphed into a somewhat better frame of mind and even sort of enjoyed picking up the few items I needed prior to Real Grocery Shopping tomorrow.

Came home and made a couple different salads for the week. One of them used up practically all the leftover pasta so I was pretty happy about that. Not so happy about just flat out -not- being able to get a jar of pimentos open even with a jar gripper and wax downright pissed that my "other kind of jar opener" (the pliers-like kind) had turned up missing. But I did remember to stand on a step stool for grating so that helped.

Spending a lot of the day on the couch has helped too. I had that "you should be doing something -productive-" voice all day but I also had a bad case of the dropsies - you know, where everything spills or breaks or won't come out of its package the right way - so they sort of canceled each other out. Now I'm in bed for the night at just past 9 and happy to be here because I don't need to do one damned thing till morning.