Friday, August 18, 2017

Day 455

Long day. Made it as easy on myself as I could. Still tired. But that's okay.

Managed another day of not stress-eating too.

Might fall asleep right here on the couch.

Thursday, August 17, 2017

Day 454

Another not-great day.

Work very busy because one person already had scheduled vacation when another got invitation from his university-dean sister to bring high-schooler child out for combined eclipse and college viewing...and I'm not the kind of person who would say no to that nor do I want to be. So I was feeling pretty overwhelmed all day and have another just like it tomorrow.

Family drama still running very high at the other house: the visit of Scylla and Charybdis is not going smoothly. Yes that's a tactful understatement. I'm sympathetic of course and do care what's happening and do wish I could make it less unpleasant. However at the same time the needy side of me is thinking "hey when does anyone ever give a damn about me and -my- problems, huh?" So far I've been doing a pretty good job of keeping my Bag of Resentment empty but it hasn't been entirely easy since one of my recurrent whine-themes is "everyone else's crises always trump my crises wah wah.

My big achievement the past couple days has been -not- stress-eating all the sugars and starches. Phone conversations with intoxicated family members have kept me from even remotely wanting booze but I've had to fight similar urges to stand in front of the open pantry eating butterscotch chips from the bag. Have to keep telling myself "it won't really fact it wil just make you feel guilty and lousy later." Sound familiar?

Fortunately I'm much better at other ways to self soothe than I was a year ago. Pajamas first thing, super easy dinners, plenty of all helps. So does sleep which I'm about to have now.

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Day 453

A bed-by-9-pm day.

Achy like crazy and so very tired. Did everything I had to do today including surfing a small wave of work-related stress and a much larger wave of family-related stress.

Dinner didn't turn out as well as I had hoped and I was too tired to enjoy computer gaming much but I'm enjoying this horizontal with covers thing very much.

It took quite a while but I'm starting to learn that I don't have to push myself. It isn't indulgent or lazy or not motivated to freaking -stop- after doing the bare minimum on any given night. Nobody is keeping score and there won't be prizes.

Tuesday, August 15, 2017

Day 452


The cat is totally fine and I'm very grateful for that.  The humans, on the other hand...well I'm grateful to have my family but at times it's all a bit much. Lots of drama over the telephone which was frustrating but then ABL decided to have a big ol' tantrum. Fun times.

Plus I'm pretty sure I'll be getting a new boss and that is a source of much tension as 1) I like the working relationship I have with my current boss and 2) the list of potential interim replacements is pretty vile.

So I have stress on the work front and even more stress on the home front. I suppose it isn't even surprising that my psoriasis is acting up. On the other hand I absolutely see how much better everything is with me -not- drinking...I was lying here thinking what it would be like if I were still a drinker and "oh gosh SO much worse" is such a big cloud of thought it's hard to pick out particular details...though I'm sure lots more arguing and lots more emotion would factor in.

Worse sleep too...not to mention that horrible emotionally drained "I want to crawl under a rock forever" feeling to go with the hangover. Don't miss any of that, not at all.

But speaking of's that time.

Monday, August 14, 2017

Day 451


The cat is better - praise be. Eldest stressed enough over impending relatives visit and classes starting next week; didn't need worry about poor sick puddy-tat. I made a vet appointment for Wednesday noonish but unless he takes a dramatic turn for the worse I will be canceling it which the vet tech seemed to expect. I guess long haired cats are sort of prone. Got some "hairball remedy treats for cats" at the grocery store too - dunno if they do a bit of good but what the heck they can't hurt and it is something tangible.

Family drama seems to have died down which also helps...and we got Middle's car today which made him very happy. At the time I was hangry enough to only be so-so about the whole process but once I ate I was happy for him.

Carry out dinner helped a lot and since Middle is leaving in the morning and won't be back till Sunday this week the lacto-ovos got to plan the menu and ignore the carnivores for a change (ABL isn't fussy about food.) Lasagna tomorrow, cheese enchiladas the day after that, leftovers from the above on Thursday. I suppose I oughta throw something green out there each night too.

Still too moody for my own liking but it's better than yesterday for sure-sure. And a week from today will be -fifteen- months. That feels good.

Sunday, August 13, 2017

Day 450

Great number - four hundred and fifty! - but not a great day.

Woke up -completely- out of sorts and cranky for no reason I could fathom. Tried to be kind to myself and totally skipped the grocery shopping in part so Middle could have the car...but stayed cranky.

Some of it is, I'm sure, the fact that one of Eldest's cats is clogged enough he will most likely have to see the vet, some of it is unjustified irrational fear of being told "no" by the car dealership and a lot if it is the fact that Middle is taking MiL and her sister to the other house on Tuesday for a visit and that is creating Much - Very Much - Drama.

I'm so tired of drama. None too thrilled about the cat, either. But sometimes that's how things go. Sigh.

Saturday, August 12, 2017

Day 449

Good day.

Slept in till nearly 8 then finally cleaned the front porch - only took about 15 min total but was several years (yes years) in building up to "just do it already." I think I secretly thought Someone Else could/should/would do it. Or something. But in any case now the whole front way into the house - porch & hall/stairs - is clean and perked up. Thinking of paying myself the $10 I would usually give a kid to clean hallway & bathroom tomorrow.

Big news though is that we set up to buy Middle's car. He totally fell in love with one that had been the loaner vehicle for when people dropped off their cars for multi-day service so it already had about 2k miles which meant not really new which meant better price. Glad it worked out the way it did. We pick it up Monday after work and although he is trying to downplay it I can tell he is-super- excited and I am just so happy to see -something- giving him such positive emotion for a change.

Big storm knocked out cable and internet a big chunk of the night - I tried to be stoic.

Stayed up too late & got too sleepy but that's okay. My sleep will be restful, not fitful.

Friday, August 11, 2017

Day 448

Cranky day. Not motivated at all.

Even so, it's good to still have my wits about me at nearly eleven on a Friday night. That never used to happen.

Thursday, August 10, 2017

Day 447

Today I did something really amazing: skipped out of two boring conference hours. I'm still sort of stunned. Totally pleased with myself but stunned that Dutiful Girl shut up for once.

I'm pretty sure I mentioned the tedious all day conference. Well the morning session was little talks by the various Important People and these talks made it clear that all the -real- decision making was 1) dependent on the findings of a consultant engagement which wouldn't be out till November & 2) going to be made by the Important People. So the afternoon "breakout workgroups" were pretty much  going through the motions for the sake of tradition rather than anything meaningful. I sat through the first of three hours and realized that not only was it stupid work but also there were some really unpleasant dynamics in the I bailed at the first break.

I felt very much like that line from Breakfast Club: being bad feels pretty good, huh?

So that was the big event for the day. I suppose lunch played a part too: for the first time in the 10 years I've been going to this conference lunch was "bring it back to your spot at the big u-shaped table" for more presentations and it was also surprisingly minimal. Usually there is a big buffet or we join the regular dining room buffet at the hotel (it's always in the same local venue) but this year we got pre-made sandwiches, no sides, one bowl of fruit. two bowls of trail mix and two big plates of cookies. The beverage choices were water or iced tea, period. I was happy it was -good- iced tea for a change but clearly we were taking cost containment to a new level.

The inexpensive fare was on nice plates and the meat eaters got a choice of ham-stuffed croissants or white-meat chicken salad on wheat or overstuffed roast beef on Kaiser rolls. I was happy there -was- a vegetarian choice but it was difficult to eat: roasted eggplant and yellow squash on slightly stale ciabatta with the barest scraping of a too-garlicky hummus. The sandwich was so tall I had to take it apart and eat the veggies with knife and fork. But hey, at least the eggplant was good. So was the trail mix.

I am amazed that I decided not to get increasingly tired and resentful for another three hours of conference. This is the first time I put personal interests over duty in a work setting since...well, ever.

A side benefit - in addition to the three hours of at-home time - was avoiding any and all pressure to stay for the "networking cocktails and heavy hors doevres" except they spelled that French word for "party snacks" correctly. Totally sidestepped the whole "now we -deserve- to drink" rah-rah which was a nice thing too.

Wednesday, August 9, 2017

Day 446

A good day.

Started off lousy: dog had barged on the bed in the night. Sheets were overdue for a change anyhow though so I tried to be philosophical about it.

Work easy although the meeting at 5 was every bit as dreary as I had feared. Came home to far less chaos than any other night over the past few weeks and that was a relief.

Sleep will be an even better relief.

Tuesday, August 8, 2017

Day 445

Long but good day.

Work relatively quiet. Spouse & Eldest returned to the other house; I took family here out to dinner. Stuffed and way too awake for this late on a weeknight but I don't have to be in too early tomorrow so it's all good.

Just percolating along, doing the sober thing.

Monday, August 7, 2017

Day 444

Hard day.

Youngest didn't pass the driving test. We both took it badly in part because it seemed very arbitrary: examiner running way late, the reasons given were kinda vague and also stunningly similar to the ones given to the driver ahead of us (also failed) but two aborted tests meant he went from being a full half-hour behind to only 8 minutes behind schedule.

Then there was the whole retest scheduling fiasco. One exam site per county in our area meant that the next available exam was next week but in the city with the nearest airport and would mean driving completely across that city to get to an exam site in a part of town down by the river with many auto body shops. This would require leaving the house every bit of 2.5 hours early to allow for rush hour traffic and me driving places I'd never been before. Plus she scheduled that exam without so much as asking me first. I agreed and started altering my work schedule for that week but asked her to at least -check- the available test times at a place only one hour away and in so doing she lost the next-week spot and ALL sites only had dates in late September who knows why?

Anyhow she was very mad at me but she now has a test at our local ten-minutes-from-home site...on Sept 25.  Sigh.

Plus dogs acting up plus ABL acting up plus Middle sullen and Eldest anxious...all with a heaping helping of menopause hormones. Oh and MiL was in the mix too.

Fun day.

But I survived as did everyone else and now I'm in bed and so is the dog. Tomorrow I can catch up at work and it's restaurant night so that's all good.

Sober is all good too.

Sunday, August 6, 2017

Day 443

I swear I might eventually suck less at it but I will never get used to this whole family dynamics thing. I grew up as the latchkey only child -of- an only child mother and a father who was estranged from his family so before their divorce it was just the three of us and after the divorce it was me, my crazy mother and her wacky parents. Period. Even for holidays.

Having so many people in the house is hard enough; how dare they have issues and agendas at odds with one another?!? I jest...mostly. I get that this is just how things are and can even intellectually realize that it's probably okay but I absolutely don't get it on any kind of emotional level. I have No. Freaking. Clue about anything sibling-related and not many clues about being long-term married as my parents were married in '63 and divorced in '75.

So it was a physically easy but emotionally hard day. Didn't get the laundry done that I wanted and to top it off I realized at 5pm that the drive-thru worker at 10am had never returned my credit card and when I went back the card was not in restaurant safe or any of the other places the (different of course) employee looked. So I had to call it in.

Maybe the week will be better. I sure hope so. Despite the driving test of Youngest tomorrow and an all day conference on Thursday.

Oh but I learned of a new game to play with the word-suggestion feature of smartphones. Type "my head is" then pick the center word till a complete sentence is done.  Like this: my head is so too cold for the first day of work. "My butt" also works: my butt is the best of the younger grandmothers.

But now sleep. It's an hour past the time I usually start going to sleep and I feel pretty wired still. Sigh.

Saturday, August 5, 2017

Day 442

An okay day.

Actually expressed some follow up emotions about yesterday evening and although it could have gone better it definitely could have gone far worse so that's all good

Got some good computer gaming time in too which made up for not getting much at all last night.

Best of all I'm showered and soon to be in bed. Good sleep makes every night better.

Friday, August 4, 2017

Day 441

Tonight I was far nicer on the outside than I felt on the inside. Glad to be - finally - in bed and hoping that since I -can- sleep late I -will- sleep late.

So grateful to be sober: it helps make difficult situations easier. That is completely 100 percent opposite what I would have thought and said three years ago but it's true. Not only am I not having my emotions chemically fanned in the moment but also a generally more even emotional landscape makes it easier to deal with whatever lands. Also not having to worry about "is that what really happened? Am I remembering correctly?" is huge.

Even if I don't sleep in a bit I will wake up feeling no worse than I do right now and probably better. Plus I will remember having gone to bed. These are all quietly powerful and good things.

Thursday, August 3, 2017

Day 440

Uneventful day. Apart from the 440-day mark that is but you blogfriends and I are the only ones who know about that...didn't mention it to the family. Didn't do anything special in honor of it either but that doesn't make it any less real.

Go Team Sober. It's a great way to be.

Wednesday, August 2, 2017

Day 439

Early bedtime for me.

Family all under one roof for the first time in Just Ages and although I'm totally glad it is happening as a concept the Actual Interactions were just getting too stressful.

I should stop right here and be proud of myself  for doing what I needed. I wasn't pissy or martyred or anything like that; just quietly excused myself rather than sitting there for the sake of being part of the group. Especially because everyone else was drinking. Usually that doesn't bother me a bit but tonight there was too much "aw do you -have- to do that" in my head and I don't want to be judgemental any more than anyone wants to be judged. They can have their fun their way but tonight it's better for me not to play along.

So I'm in bed marveling at how tomorrow will be 440 days. Pretty impressive. The emotional growth is slow like a tree but very worth it.

Tuesday, August 1, 2017

Day 438

Things have slowed down at work finally and that's a help.

Home still up and down but also not as stressful which is an even bigger help.

Feeling better physically too...still not sure what the hell was wrong yesterday but I'm glad it's over, whatever it was.

So grateful I managed to kick alcohol out of my life: the relationship had gone really bad and I'm so much better off without it.

Monday, July 31, 2017

Day 437

Very emotional day.

Woke up okay but by 9am had a headache and a sick stomach surprisingly reminiscent of a hangover with the emotional rollercoaster that goes with it...very odd. Hadn't even had Motrin, ferpitysake. Assume it was either stress or sickness or both.

Another round of dryer repair.  Good news: no charge. Bad news: underlying issue is still having to move the vent which involves finding a reputable contractor which is damned near impossible. Sears -has- a service for this sort of thing but when I plugged in my zip code the robo-voice said they didn't offer that service in my area.  I cried.

Plus there were family issues; seems there always are.

But at least there was a good restaurant meal at the end of it all then I had some quality lie-on-the-couch do nothing time, followed by a small crying jag. Then I went about my evening tasks and had a hot flash. They don't take me AS much by surprise these days I guess.  I should probably make myself more allowances for this whole menopause thing; I seem to be just ignoring it and that's probably not the wisest thing. In fact that whole headache-sick-to-stomach thing felt just as much like morning sickness as a hangover, in retrospect...and went away for good after that nice evening meal which an actual illness probably wouldn't.

I'm orders of magnitude better than I used to be but there's still plenty of room to go on listening to and being nicer to my body.

For now it's bed with a good book; that's always a good step. And a moment to appreciate what a nice milestone nearly four hundred and forty days of continuous sobriety really is. It's become the new normal so much that apart from my nightly blog ritual I'm not sure I listen to that or give it enough credit either.

Sunday, July 30, 2017

Day 436

Much better day.

Didn't sleep in - up by 7 - but that meant I got the shopping done before it got crowded.

Less family drama, no work phone calls, found a good pasta salad at the store, tried a new biscuit recipe (heavy cream instead of cutting fat into the flour - tons easier) and made the oatmeal cookies I know the family likes.

Plus things went easier with Middle.

I hope this "easier" theme continues into the week.

Saturday, July 29, 2017

Day 435

Bah. Too much family drama.

Slept a lot: straight through from not-quite midnight till eight which is rare for me. Got drive-thru breakfast for everyone so I didn't even have to get dressed. Well, "everyone" in this case is me, ABL and Middle as Youngest is down in the other house with Spouse, Eldest and SiL. Middle went to work and I finished the edges of the upstairs hallway floor tiles which not only took longer than I thought but also made me more tired than I thought.  Such is being fifty and completely deconditioned, I guess...but that project included cleaning both that hallway and the front hallway so the house looks considerably better.

Then the freaking family drama started and my day went kerblooey.  I was on the periphery of a big chunk of it but then Middle and I had what started off as a blowup and ended up as a commiseration session and although I can see that ultimately it was beneficial it was also incredibly draining. It also highlighted other family issues many of which relate to this bifurcated two-households thing and overall I ended up really bummed.

Too bummed to play my computer game, too bummed to read any of the books I've got going, too bummed to knit...I loafed on the couch managing the occasional game of FreeCell on my phone.  I had pretty much All The Sad going for a while.  Then I had ice cream.  Two bowls, even though I'd already had dinner and although I do feel better - I'm managing to blog! - that's also setting off all the body image/calorie/self-worth/etc tapes in my head.

Oh and I almost forgot: work called three times during the day too - one of them was a physician colleague whom I find particularly annoying.

I'm thinking it's early bedtime is what I'm thinking.

But not before reminding myself that even though it was a hard week and this day had too much hard in it I'm still WAY better off by -not- responding to "hard" with a whole lot of vodka. I might wake up with hearburn from the ice cream but I won't wake up dripping sweat with a racing heart and if I do wake up I'll be able to get right back to sleep as opposed to guzzling water to dilute the bile and mitigate the headache.

Plus my house is cleaner and I'm more fully present in my own life.  Even if it's sucky, it's still better sucky sober than sucky drinking.

Friday, July 28, 2017

Day 434

The days keep adding up.  I like that.

I like having the week over, too. Was a particularly long one and I still have carry-over stuff on Monday but I was home with food and in my pajamas before six which is a great thing. The Big Tourist Event is happening this weekend so I'm happy staying home and hiding from the crowds.

Played my computer game (okay, it's Warcraft but not the current version; a previous version on a private server) all evening and that was nice.

There's still too much stress in the family but the most stressed part of it is at the other house so it's not directly spilling onto me...just indirectly.

And now I can curl up for good restful sleep and do plenty of it.  Have slept in anywhere from twenty to fifty minutes past my usual waking time every day this week so I'm looking forward to being able to sleep in as late as my body feels like it tonight.

Thursday, July 27, 2017

Day 433

Kinda hit a wall today. Emotionally and mentally exhausted plus physically tired too. Spent a surprising chunk of my work day goofing off - just couldn't force myself to do stuff. Could be in a better place with the family too.

But sober...and that makes everything less bad.

Wednesday, July 26, 2017

Day 432

Really lousy day at work. Little to no sympathy from the family as there were plenty of issues on that front too.

Had not one but two bowls of ice cream for dinner. Played computer game till bedtime. Maybe not the greatest coping strategy but it beats booze by easy miles.

Tuesday, July 25, 2017

Day 431

Not a great day.

My whole team got completely ambushed in a phone meeting today - thanks affiliate manager. Nothing like being told we were having a meeting about the strategy for rolling out a pre-agreed-upon X and then it turning out to be us rolling out X to a hostile audience with the implication that X was not fully decided. Quite unpleasant.

Got good and mad about the tourist thrombi everywhere but especially in the doorway/cart area of the supermarket. Not a good place to have a big ol' discussion.

Also starting to get really tired of it just being -assumed- that I will be the calm and emotionally stable person ready to support whichever family member is having crisis du jour. I mean yeah I -am- usually competent and calm but it would sure be nice to get as much attention paid to my state of mind as it is to the more volatile players. Yes that's resentment and no it isn't particularly healthy or happy. I tried to make this evening all about doing the bare minimum of obligations so as to not -keep- all those pebbles of resentment but I think I only partially succeeded. Time for bed with a good book.

Tomorrow will be a whole new day. Maybe something wonderful will happen.

Monday, July 24, 2017

Day 430

Long day.

Was just exhausted most of the day: slept a good 45 minutes past my usual time and then felt like I was dragging myself uphill through mud all morning...and had yet more driving: the "Big Loop" of two separate site visits. Was all set to have a leisurely lunch afterwards but then I got so mad at Navient (the student loan company) that o realized it would be an utter waste since all I wanted to do was get back to my office so I could sit at my desk for what I expected to be a lengthy phone call.

It was storming hard when I got to the town where I had planned to eat so a drive thru worked out well after all...and by the time I got back to my office Spouse had investigated and solved the problem without my having to call. So that was good.

Didn't manage to get much done anyhow though. Stayed exhausted till after dinner then I caught my second wind and now I'm all alert...bullying down trying to unwind anyhow. Pleased with how the day wound up even if the dryer -is- broken again. Got everything done and even when I was really angry I figured out how to deal with the anger. This is still a fairly big deal as anger was the emotion which sent me to booze faster than any other. Not any more.

Sunday, July 23, 2017

Day 429

I did it. Got all the way around.

Drove back from the other house this morning, cleaned ABL's room, did the shopping and even made banana bread. I am sober hear me roar. Tired though. Achy too - PM Motrin and bed for me.

Saturday, July 22, 2017

Day 428

Overall a good day.

Oh sure the drive was long but Eldest made some Really Good eggplant parmigiana plus there was still tiramisu-flavored gelato from the last time I was here.

Best of all, though, was listening to Eldest and Youngest (who will be here in Chaos South for college visits in the next two weeks) having fun together. That was really nice.

I sure hope I'm up for the drive back tomorrow. Thought seriously about taking another day and calling out sick on Monday but ABL is expecting me too for that matter. 

But now sleep.

Friday, July 21, 2017

Day 427

Fourteen months. Very cool.

Told Spouse first thing this morning and he was exceedingly impressed. Big hug, words of pride, emotional - that was nice.

Ended up not going for lunch but -did- finish my current novel at lunchtime so that was good.

Played more of my retro computer game tonight; that was good too.

Tomorrow and the next day I'll be taking Spouse and Youngest to the other house and coming back - haven't done back-to-back driving like that in several years. Very glad to have sobriety on my side for that: yet another thing made easier by the subtraction of alcohol.

Speaking of alcohol...I'm very much a believer in live and let live, to each their own, handle your high and everyone's journey is both their own and good. However I am getting -really-tired- of hanging around drunk people. Glad that cycle will be shifting.

Glad too, as always, for sober sleep. That's something for which I will always have gratitude. It's time to start settling down and have some now.

Thursday, July 20, 2017

Day 426

Good day.

Rediscovered an old computer game and spent several happy hours totally immersed.

Hey tomorrow is 14 months; how cool is that? Might take myself to lunch but also might not as there will be quite a bit of work at the office. Still cool though.

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

Day 425

Long day.

Work not bad though I'm now stuck with another all-day conference in August. Ugh.

Snacked as soon as I got home then did errands and floor tiles so I never did have a proper dinner and now I'm too tired to care. But it's okay: bed is good too.

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

Day 424

Long tiring day. Slept very badly the night before and had too much car time throughout the day.

Bed at 8:30. Hoping for a better tomorrow.

Monday, July 17, 2017

Day 423

Recovery day.

Didn't feel as bad as I thought I might, actually. Tired but not overly achy. Decided not to do anything further on the project today though which was good because the power went out for a couple of hours in the early evening anyhow.

Bed super early tonight though. Like I'm already in bed. Time to chill with trashy genre fiction on the Kindle app.

Sunday, July 16, 2017

Day 422

Productive day.

Made cinnamon rolls in the morning but they didn't turn out very well. Recipe warns against over-baking so I took them out too soon and the center one was pretty much still raw and had to be pitched  plus the icing wasn't great. But ya live ya learn.

The evening was when stuff really happened. I learned fifty is SO not forty which is so not thirty. Finally couldn't stand our staircase upstairs hallway one day has grubby stained up wall to wall carpeting with a puppy-chewed spot and the "puppy"is now two and a half. I discovered there was enough leftover vinyl stickum tile from re-doing the laundry room to do boom it was gonna be a go. Started demo tonight and I am BEAT. I did staircase and I was SO happy Youngest was interested because she was -good- help.  She ripped ou the hallway carpeting and I am glad of it because there was no way I could have done both on same night and trash day is tomorrow. Hallway still needs staples pulled and it all needs more vacuuming but getting nasty wall to wall carpeting out is a good start.

I just hope I can make it all look better. Staircase will have to be stained and then polyurethane-d and I haven't done any painting sorts of stuff for ages.

I also wish Spouse and Middle were a bit more enthusiastic but hey, the project can move forward anyhow.

Praise be for Motrin PM - took two and am in bed. Gotta work tomorrow but I will be stopping by the hardware store on my way home.

Saturday, July 15, 2017

Day 421

For a day basically hanging around the house it was sure full of emotions. Ups, downs, name it. But not treating -any- of them with alcohol means I'm all calm and ready to wind down for good sleep and that's a huge and powerful thing. 

Got quite a bit of knitting done today too. Almost done with the first pattern repeat of my new cabled cardigan. The back and sides are done as one big piece and it's an extra large at something like six stitches per inch so each row takes a while. 

Making cinnamon rolls for brunch tomorrow - would never have planned that for a Sunday morning a couple years ago. Oh and speaking of food the whole family loved the oatmeal scotchies. Big hit there. 

Looking forward to sleeping in. 

Friday, July 14, 2017

Day 420

A year and six weeks. That feels pretty good. Haven't really lost any physical weight but I've lost so much emotional weight it's a fine trade-off. I like who I am so much better now.

For example: I wanted oatmeal cookies pretty badly earlier in the week so I picked up a bag of Pepperidge Farm Sausalitos. Figured you can trust Pepperidge Farm, right? Wrong. They sucked. Lots. To me anyhow - other people must think they are swell or they wouldn't be selling for a little more than 40 cents per cookie. So fine...only option is to make some. Which I did tonight...but due to not putting the butter out to soften till after dinner I didn't even start the process till almost ten. That just would not have happened on a drinking Friday night. Or worse: would have happened badly. Now, though, I have a rack full of Scotchies and Spouse has already said "you make really good cookies." I like raisins better but I'm definitely the minority in this house and butterscotch chips are plenty tasty plus they have a cool factor because I remember when they came out.

Anyhow it was a good way to end the day and I plan on having several for breakfast.

Thursday, July 13, 2017

Day 419

It's the middle of the morning and I'm at work both of which are times and places I almost never post but I've finally actually -identified- this emotion which has been wearing me down all day and had to share a in a safe space.

Repressed fury.

The last - and identifying straw - was going to the cafeteria in my building and discovering that they were out of not just my preferred, second and third choices of caffeine-containing tea but ALL choices of caffeine-containing tea. On my way to the other on-campus cafeteria I finally realized that the feeling I was having over the tea was just more of the -same- feeling I've been having since yesterday.  There are numerous family- and work-related reasons and I'm not sure any of them can be resolved any time soon but at least I've figured it out...and not turned it into "Oh I'm depressed" or "I must be sad" or any other more "manageable" or "acceptable" emotion. Nope, I'm fucking _pissed_off_ is what I am. It's a start.

An important start too, because scanning back I realize I've had a whole half-century -lifetime- of being talked out of anger. My parents did it so often when I was a kid that the process became completely internalized...and then I went and married someone with parents who would take their anger at other people or situations out on their children, both emotionally and physically. I've actually heard MiL say "yeah...I would get mad at [her mother in law] and hit [Spouse and ABL.]" so even though he isn't actively trying to convince me I'm not feeling the feelings I have (that was my mother's game and boy was she good at it) it's not like he's comfortable with anger either.

So I'm probably not going to be DOING anything about it but one of my favorite lines from the series _Enterprise_ was when Dr. Phlox told Archer "just _be_aware_.  You'd be amazed what a difference it can make."

[Much later]:

Phlox was right. Just being aware does help. Mentally saying "of course you're mad and that's okay" is pretty powerful, actually. Somehow makes it all a little easier.

Now I'm in bed and tomorrow will be a whole new day. Maybe the cafeteria will have re-stocked. Maybe the drama will go away. Maybe something wonderful will happen.

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

Day 418

The family drama continues.

I've done a surprisingly good job of not stress-eating All The Carbs. No thoughts about having a drink, either, even though it's around.

Did a decent job of not letting the pebbles build up in my bag of resentment, too. Oh sure I was working on a big haul but then made the conscious effort to let it go.

Been having -crazy- vivid dreams though. Not quite nightmare but unpleasant all the same. Still...waking up out of a dream full of rats is better than waking up with a racing heart all covered in flop-sweat.

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

Day 417

Had to check that number three times - kept thinking "is it really that many?" Yes. Yes it is.

Whole train of thought about what to write tonight but it was in the car way earlier this evening and I've been with family since and now it's late. Perhaps another time.

Monday, July 10, 2017

Day 416

Long day.

Woke up and all I wanted to do was go right back to sleep which is -not- like me. Was irritable all day and had a scratchy throat and was just generally out of sorts. Could be stress, allergies, some bug...who knows? Spent a lot of after dinner time lying down which seems to be helping and am in bed for the night which should also help.

Zero words of wisdom today. Well except for the usual: sober really is worth it but it takes a while to get there.

Sunday, July 9, 2017

Day 415

And home. With Spouse.

Got way too hungry & thirsty on the drive because girl-beagle just Doesn't Do stops well but once that was fixed everything was fine.

Till we had major family drama. Worked through that and everything was fine.

Till I went to bed and the first thing boy-beagle did was leap up and pee on the bedding. And the washer isn't empty. Well hell...but the couch is comfy and far easier than re-making the bed when I'm already sleepy.

Tomorrow's another day.

Saturday, July 8, 2017

Day 414

Long damned day. Finally realized belatedly that "out of town weekend" does not necessarily equal "vacation" which kind of helped my mental outlook. Still hasn't been a very good weekend thus far and don't really expect tomorrow to be much better. Expect it to be worse, in fact.

But even lousy sober Sundays beat hung over Sundays  And no matter how lousy it is there will eventually come a bedtime and then a whole new day.

Was lying here in bed appreciating the size of four hundred and fourteen days. Fourteen months will be here before I know it...and the next Really Big milestone is 500 days...and that doesn't seem impossibly far away either.

Eldest was asking me in car this evening what it (long term sobriety) was like and this is what I said:

Well the first two weeks are -really- hard but then it eases up a little the next week and by then you're close to a month which gives you a boost. The second month goes better and then by the end of -two- months you feel a lot better.

She asked what the biggest changes I noticed were and I had to stop and think because "-everything-" was true but sounded too glib. First I said "my emotions got so much better -- instead of being like this [finger up and down fast in spiky zig zags] they're more like this [same finger making a much slower sine wave]." Then I said "and the -sleep- is so much better."

The thing I didn't say was "it took a while but my -spirit- started growing and still is."

Friday, July 7, 2017

Day 413

Long day. Worked till three then hit the road for other house.

Finally got here a bit past 8. Road repair put me a freaking hour behind schedule. My family of balloonheads did not even think of getting some food and having it waiting. Like the good local pizza I always want when I'm here. Fortunately they had leftovers. They remembered the booze, of course...which I don't do any more. Also my son in law has such bad BO today it stays in the room after he leaves...not sure whatinhell is up with that since it has never happened before.  Fortunately they are all cool with me having early bedtime so that's what I did. Bed with phone reading now; start over fresh in the morning.

Thursday, July 6, 2017

Day 412

Survived the day. Was a good boss. Did all the home stuff. Too tired to knit but am working my way through the archives of a new blog so that was okay.

Tomorrow I'm knocking off work early so I can drive down to the other house and fetch Spouse and Girl-beagle back on Sunday. With work on Monday of course. Probably wouldn't have contemplated a whirlwind trip like that back in the overdrinking days.

Wednesday, July 5, 2017

Day 411

Another not-great day.

Morning was fine and I did indeed take myself to lunch but when I got back there was a second round of family drama and a bunch of work hell.

Went home by way of the ice cream shop. Waffle cone for dinner never hurt anyone, right? Right.

I am heartily sick of many things right now but bed and sleep will help - they always do.

Tuesday, July 4, 2017

Day 410

That's a really good number and I'm happy it keeps creeping up day by day.

Happy I got a lot of knitting done too. If I stick at my two current projects I'll have a couple nice things but with fine yarn and small gauge it's gonna take five-ever. (That's an expression I swiped from Youngest.)

But for choosing not to do any sort of celebrating this day still had -way- too much family drama. Shower-go-to-bed-at-nine levels of family drama.

But hey, it makes work look good so that's something. Plus I won $10 on a one-dollar scratch-off lottery card* so that's something too.

I'm thinking it's about time to take myself for lunch again...maybe tomorrow.

*I know lotteries are considered by many to be a voluntary stupidity tax but I grew up ina state which didn't allow -any- form of gambling till I was almost done with college so I still find lottery-ticket _vending_machines_ a novelty. I never waste more than $2 at a time and always play the one with the highest odds of winning (50% if you count free plays.)

Monday, July 3, 2017

Day 409

Really down all day. Not sure why.

Did minimum necessary work and had cereal for dinner. Felt a bit better as the evening progressed. Maybe I'll be back to baseline tomorrow.

Sober depressed is still better than drinking depressed. "Down" sure but none of that deep self-loathing. That's something.

Sunday, July 2, 2017

Day 408

Quiet day.

Did the shopping and a lot of knitting. When I got the Big Cranky in the afternoon I had a little ice cream and a nap. Woke up all better; fancy that. Made lasagna for dinner and am happy to have the leftovers.

Sometimes boring is good.

Saturday, July 1, 2017

Day 407

Better day. Did everything I wanted to do: wash bedding, ABL haircut, stop by office and finish up work ... and finally have that damned ice cream cone. Sat in the one empty booth all by myself to eat it too, which may well have ticked off the two women behind me getting iced coffee who got stuck with the talk table but too bad.

MiL was annoying with her attempts to be manipulative today but I didn't let it get to me. Easier not to do that when not all emotionally akimbo from overdrinking the night before.

I was just sitting here reflecting on one of the many totally unexpected benefits of sobriety: clean sheets. In my drinking days I never had my act together enough to get the bed stripped and remade in a timely fashion and when falling into it all drunk I never cared anyway. Even with all the night sweats. Now though it seems just a logical bit of self-kindness. I'm not up to every week yet, which is what that book _Unfuck Your Habitat_ recommends but it's still "way more often." I can't remember the last time I changed the sheets twice in the same month. Undergrad, maybe.

In any case that nice fresh bed will be waiting for me in a bit and I just had a nice bath to go with it. If I had known hust how _much_ better life would be without booze maybe I would have started sooner.  Still...better now than never and it gives a -lot- of time back so that's all good.

Friday, June 30, 2017

Day 406

A lousy day in the neighborhood.

Lotta work, lotta work politics and my plans to get an ice cream cone for dinner on the way home were thwarted because Youngest needed rescued from a lousy graduation party in the middle of nowhere in the middle of a thunderstorm.

Then the cable & internet went out.

But it's over and I can sleep in as late as I feel like.

Thursday, June 29, 2017

Day 405

The retreat was long and parts were hugely boring and some of it was depressing and I hated damned near all of it. But it's over for another year.

I didn't get ice cream for dinner after all because I just wanted to be -home- but I probably should have because...

...for the first time in Just Ages the thought of a drink popped into my head. Only briefly and in adding but it was there in response to just not being comfortable in my own skin - that frustrated irritable not quite sad not quite angry but definitely not happy state. I was sitting on the couch wishing I felt just about any other way than what I was feeling when - boom - there it was. The thought about one of those beers I passed by in the way out of the retreat and I didn't  even -like- beer when I drank. But just as quickly as it came it left again so that was that.

Now I'm in bed which is a nice safe place to be. Tomorrow starts my Very Busy Month at work.

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Day 404

An okay day.

Took a walk for the first time in ages; that was nice.
Learned that a director I like was abruptly let go; that wasn't nice.

I have an all day "leadership retreat" tomorrow which I am really dreading and do -not- want to do but duty calls. Trying to decide what my treat for afterwards will be. Maybe ice cream for dinner. Maybe not.

I really appreciate the inner calm which has come with sobriety. I still get upset but there aren't as many bizarrely euphoric "ups" or crashingly low "downs." Weebles wobble but they don't fall down.

Tuesday, June 27, 2017

Day 403

Wow it really is four hundred and three days; that feels good.

So does -finally- having a scarf pattern for my pretty yarn -- there's been much ripping out and starting over in the past three days.

Did indeed take myself to lunch and it was wickedly efficient -- they have "speedy lunch service" totally covered. I got pad Thai because the last and only time I had it was in 1990 in west Philadelphia...and I hadn't liked it. I figured I might as well try again. Still not -that- crazy about it but it's moved from "blech" to "okay."

Otherwise things were uneventful which is fine.

Monday, June 26, 2017

Day 402

And now I'm home.

It was really hard to leave. The trip had more than the usual amount of bad/thoughtless/downright crazy drivers, too. But I managed.

Also managed to get the menus planned and groceries purchased and a dinner prepared that could stretch to feed the two friends visiting Middle...though I don't think they ate after all.

•I• had an ice cream cone for dinner - first one in over a decade I'm sure. At some point during my childhood I specifically switched from cones to "in a dish please" and kept announcing "I don't like ice cream cones" so long I believed it myself...but the real reason I switched was because family members criticized -how- I ate cones. I can't recall what it was they thought was so wrong but I do recall thinking "okay won't be a problem any more."

After taking her SAT Youngest specifically asked to stop for ice cream and she made her waffle cone look like a nice enough experience that I filed it away under "something to try later."  Today was the later and I enjoyed it very much.

Gonna take myself to lunch tomorrow too I think. Gotta do the "big loop" of site visits to affiliates and I have to go though the nearest city of size on the way back and it's not Wednesday (the day they stay closed) so I think I'll hit the Thai place.

In the old days I would have hurried through the chores so I could start drinking and by now I would be drunk but wide awake would also have had a very lousy night's sleep when I eventually got there. Sober is just -so- much easier

Sunday, June 25, 2017

Day 401

Last night of vacation. Ir wasn't the greatest. The family which stayed up there acted like jerks and the family down here did too. Hell, for all I know _I_was a jerk too. Don't -think- so but you never know.

In any case I did it all sober and that makes it definitely better. Even when-no, make that especially when there is drinking all around. Makes it all easier to handle.

But now I'm -awfully tired.

Saturday, June 24, 2017

Day 400

Four hundred days is a really nice number.

Otherwise it was an uneventful day. I'm still pretty moody for no particular reason but I can live with it.

Friday, June 23, 2017

Day 399

First full vacation day. Slept till 8:40 which was surprising. Good but surprising.

The rest of the day kinda sucked for various reasons. Once I actually admitted to myself "hey this sucks and I don't care if it IS a vacation day I'm just not having any fun" things improved. Not because anything was different but because accepting it instead of fighting it helped.

A nice long shower and some ice cream helped too.

Thursday, June 22, 2017

Day 398

I must be on vacation; I ate too much and stayed up too late.

Lotta "not my problem" stuff today. Glad it's bedtime.  Super duper supremely glad I don't drink any more.

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Day 397

Thirteen months today. Hooray!

Start of a five-day weekend. More hooray!

Nothing profound; just way happier sober than I was drinking. Oh and the new blueberry flavored Oreos are really tasty...though the filling is definitely not a color of anything traditionally edible.

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Day 396

Remember how I was excited to finally get the second car key? Yeah, well...four hours. Yup, four. Nope, didn't plan it. Had called last week. Part was waiting. It "needs programming so it will just be a little while; please have a seat." Okay, fine...I had expected maybe 15-20 minutes.

Staff member then came to me saying how it was a lot more time consuming to program one of these keys than they thought and how he might not have time before lunch and was there any way we could drop it off later and again with the "time consuming."

I shared that I had come from 45 minutes away so drop-off was not an option (I don't know how they thought they could drop off the KEY when they also need the CAR but whatevsies) and that I could wait as long as they needed. He said words to the effect of "well it might be a couple of hours."

So I got tea and snacks (cheese and Combos; such a high-quality lunch but at least protein) from the gas station next door. On my way back I saw my car in the wide open garage with its door open and beeping. The two staff members previously involved had heads together over computer in office area.

I read (Kindle app for iPhone yeah!) and played solitaire -- I only this past Sunday discovered FreeCell and yes I know it has come free with the Windows operating system for a couple -decades- now...I tried it once, didn't like it and never went back. Now I'm into it. Go figure.

At somewhere past the two-hour mark I was told "he's trying to get it to program for the third time now. Sorry about the wait. Sometimes these things are just a pain in the neck." It eventually got done and I now have two key-fobs again in addition to the broken one which can work in an emergency but you have to use pliers to get the key back out of the ignition.

Knew enough not to do anything important or thought provoking once I got back to the office. Also to get pizza for dinner and a piece of bakery cake for having survived the ordeal.

Tomorrow I have to go in extra early for a stupid eight o'clock-sharp- meeting so I'm already in bed. So much less stressful and more productive - and in the long run far more relaxing - than "unwind with a drink or four" would have been.

Monday, June 19, 2017

Day 395


The heat wave broke, which helped generally and the current round of family drama seems to be over which helped specifically and although work is more irritating than usual I only have two more days this week. So that's all good.

Grocery shopping on a Monday evening during tourist season? Not good at all. Downright lousy, in fact...but over. Had some ice cream to celebrate that fact.

Tomorrow I'm going to finally replace the car key-fob which broke over a year ago. That will be a real accomplishment. It isn't like I haven't -wanted- to do it but that car was with Eldest two states away for almost all of that time and the dealership is a good 45-55 minutes away. But tomorrow after the affiliate site visit is the day. Huzzah.

Sunday, June 18, 2017

Day 394


I did have a pajama day but ABL decided to be a jerk for most of it. Ya win some ya lose some. Family drama still happening; I'm awfully sick of it. Awfully sick of the recurring feeling of resentment that I, as the stable person, just don't get to -have- least not any acknowledged or validated by others. It's an exaggeration I know but I've been in an annoyed sulky mood most of the day.

Fortunately sleep resets everything and tomorrow is a whole different day.

Saturday, June 17, 2017

Day 393

Fairly lazy day. Needed it.

Just realized that I'm in that window between "13 thirty-day units" and "13 months by date."  That feels pretty good. Also today I was watching a PBS travel show about Morocco and at some point the host said something about "hospitality and tea" while the camera panned across many women at a cafe in hijab and I thought "oh look! A whole -bunch- of people who don't drink!"

Then I took a nap. It's never the first day after a late night but the second when it all catches up.

Vacation coming up. Just a long weekend but "long" in this case is 5 days so that will be nice. I'm also thinking of putting off the shopping till Monday night and making tomorrow a Pajamas Day; haven't had one of those in a while and Father's Day in a tourist town (and a -sporty- tourist town at that) sounds like a good day to stay in.

Friday, June 16, 2017

Day 392

Wow, that's a heckuvalotta days. Go team me.

If that doesn't seem as enthused as it ought that's because exhaustion is setting in. Stayed up -far- too late last night with all the Drama and most of the Feelings and then had to go represent at in-law's birthday party. But hey, it looks like I'm on the downside of this particular round of chaos.

Also Youngest is officially done with school for the year - huzzah.

I would have never thought it much less viscerally known it as I do now but sober is just SO much better for Family Drama. That thought kept coming back to me all day as I dragged myself along with double-strength tea and a bakery cinnamon-raisin bun. Sure I was tired but I wasn't hung over, ashamed or trying to recall just exactly what had gone down. Much better place.

Also since I -did- survive a particularly unpleasant  evening/night/wee small hours I made sure to buy  myself a treat. This time it was a set of knitting needles I've wanted for a while.

Bedtime now. Sleeping late if I can manage it but "late" may only be 7-something instead of 6:20.

Thursday, June 15, 2017

Day 391

So much family drama.

But hey, I can deal with it. I'm an emotionally strong and generally capable.

Doesn't mean it doesn't suck though.

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

Day 390

Today was the first day in a while that I didn't -wake-up- tired and achy so that's progress.  However it was pretty stressful otherwise. Mostly time pressure - I just don't do well with that. Also some family stuff about which I have to keep saying "not my circus; not my monkeys." Having the Captain Awkward Archives as my primary reading material this week is helpful on that front.

One thing that almost thirteen months of sobriety has started to help me see is that I'm an emotionally strong person. Back when I was in school a colleague said "you're a rock, man" and I sort of brushed it off - especially because "If I'm so stable how come I drink so much?" These days though I'm starting to see his point and that feels good. It's not that I don't get the Big Sads or the Red Rages but that in this past year I've learned how to have emotions like that and neither let them consume me or cause me to consume booze. That feels awfully good when I stop to think about it.

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Day 389


Starting to finally feel better physically and then got a big case of Sad. Mostly because I've been dealing with stress on both the work and home front. So. Sick. Of. People. Living in a tourist town also doesn't help much.

But hey, I bought one of those tiny four-serving cakes from the grocery bakery and had my piece first thing when I got home. Fewer miles and dollars - both literally and figuratively - than the vodka-soda I would have had a couple years ago. Also eating a piece of cake when you first get in doesn't lead one to be oversloppy while making dinner.

But damn I wish I had a real "away" vacation lined up. Maybe next year.

Monday, June 12, 2017

Day 388

Still not healthy yet; this is getting annoying. But hey,super easy dinner and bed by 9 is the way to go.

Sober is also the way to go. For me for sure.

Sunday, June 11, 2017

Day 387

Felt worse today than yesterday; what the hell?!  Oh well it's over now: have officially moved from couch to bed.

Bunch of family drama didn't help matters a bit I'm sure. is all so much easier to manage as a sober person...well, except for drunken family members. If I were healthy I might be all the way to amused tolerance but tonight I stalled out at annoyed.

But sleep awaits and tomorrow is a whole new day.

Saturday, June 10, 2017

Day 386

I am so glad I'm a sober person.

Youngest went to her first rock concert tonight and although I had offered to drive she made arrangements to get a ride home with a classmate. Classmate's car broke down and I learned about it at around 6:30. Not a problem! Happy to fetch Youngest and her friend!

Couple years ago I would've also done it but it would have been "staying" sober with much resentment and I would have likely started drinking when I got home at ten freaking forty-five. Madness. Especially as I'm -still- not back to health baseline...starting to think I have a light (thanks to a couple decades of vaccinations) case of Flu B as it has been way more prevalent than A and peaked late.

In any case I spent most of the day horizontal and plan to do much the same - apart from the grocery shopping - tomorrow.

Friday, June 9, 2017

Day 385

Nap day.

As in came home and had one for nearly 2 hours. Let one kid fetch the (McDonalds) dinner, let the other one feed the cats. When I did wake up I had ice cream and cookies for dinner.

When I finally went to put on my pajamas I discovered the -cutest- stuffed dachshund toy dog on the bed...THAT was why Spouse had been going on and on about getting another dog. It was sweet and thoughtful and funny (we watch a lot of _That 70s Show_ so it had sorry-about-menopause tones too) and I immediately called to say how much I loved it and apologize for what a jerk I had been -- in retrospect he had never once said anything about it being a real dog but I assumed and we all know Felix Unger said that assuming makes an ASS out of U and ME.

The whole driving thing is starting to gel for Youngest and Eldest feels okay about her first law school quiz. I feel very okay about getting to sleep in tomorrow.

Thursday, June 8, 2017

Day 384

Not a great day.

The lunch with friends wasn't that great, work was both busy and depressing and Eldest is having a rough adjustment to her only-one-but-accelerated law school class so I'm hearing a lot about that.

Plus Spouse has this running gag about getting another dog and I'm not inaplace to find that funny if it's a joke or acceptable if it's serious. But the dog I -do- own has a yeasty ear.  Got a bad case of Too Many Things Going On.

So I had two different kinds of carbs for dinner and went to bed early.

Despite everything that three hundred and eighty freaking four number is pretty cool.

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

Day 383

Two steps forward, one back.

Under weather again. Work busier and with some unpleasant features. Middle generally sullen and mild-to-moderate inconsiderate.

But hey, sober. Which means good sleep and no worries about misremembering/not remembering shit.

Tuesday, June 6, 2017

Day 382

Better day.

Must have been sick: scratchy throat in the morning but overall more energy and less sad/angry.

Discovered the totally awesome Captain Awkward blog and have been totally binge-reading the archives. Too hard to make it a clicky-link on tiny phone screen so I'll leave it as an exercise for the reader but BOY does she give good advice. Totally accepting, too.

And now sleep. Loves me some sleep. Been so long - more than a year! - since I had the sweaty pounding heart thirsty horrible wee small hours...don't miss that at all.

Monday, June 5, 2017

Day 381

Long day.

Woke up stunningly irritable - after Youngest drove us into town and she had gone into school I was actually yelling out loud in the car "that was THE most annoying thing in the WORLD!" about her having driven even though it was no different from other days.

Had a big sad for no reason later in the morning. Figured all this was emotional or menopause hormones or something so I forced myself to get out in the fresh air for a walk at lunchtime but that didn't go well either.

Had a weary slow afternoon but was still just crying tired when I came home. I thought I was depressed but noticed right before a nap my throat had got real scratchy and after sleep and some dinner including pie I felt considerably better. So maybe the whole thing is borderline sick. I never seem to figure out "gee I'm -really- irritable and sad" is "dummy that's how your body deals with a virus so you don't -get- to the runny/drippy phase" till after the fact. Of course I didn't realize the afternoon/evening flushing was fucking hot flashes either ... I thought it was somehow related to eating and wondered what weird digestive issue or carcinoid tumor I had. Being raised by a mother who, in addition to being isolationist and crazy as hell _also_ wanted to be a guy left me absolutely woefully clueless about being a woman, especially an aging one.  She made sure I was fully informed on the booze front, that's ferdamnedshur....but that's an entirely different bottle of fish.

In any case I've been taking it very easy and whether it's physical or emotional I'm hoping to sleep it off. With nice actually-rejuvenating sober sleep.

Oh and I've got a new brownie recipe to try one of these days - that doesn't suck.

Gosh it's going to be -thirteen- months soon; how cool is that?

Sunday, June 4, 2017

Day 380

Another not-great day.

So not-great, in fact, that on the way to the grocery I thought "why even bother?" as some vague reference to booze, drugs and mass quantities of highly refined sugar. Haven't succumbed to any. That alone makes this day a huge win.

Ways the day was not-great:
1) The recipe I've been wanting to try for over a month didn't turn out very well because the frozen peaches were of poor quality.
2) The home engineered dryer vent situation needed further adjustments.
3) The basement radiator which I had repaired a while back, has started leaking again. Not nearly as much as before but not zero either.

Those three alone were enough to do me in before shopping this morning...but the day had yet more in store:  Eldest's very favorite college professor died earlier this week, it is raining -again- and while doing yard clean up I noticed wood around one of the bay windows which really needs work.

Fortunately the rain caused Youngest to decide -not- to have the parking practice she wanted earlier in the day...I suppose that's something. I hadn't been looking forward to it.


Well I'm doing a little better. It's just now 7 and I have ALL the evening chores done so if I feel like just going to sleep on the couch I can. Also since I finally had freshly washed bedding I washed the dog and then myself so that's a good way to start the week. Life goes on and the horrible becomes manageable whether I drink or not...and in fact it's better when I don't. Every time a really rotten thing happens and I deal with it all sober that's another brick in the temple of self esteem.

Saturday, June 3, 2017

Day 379

I think today I had the emotional fallout from yesterday.  Dropped off Youngest at the high school for her SAT and had a huge wave of sadness in the car on the way home. No real reason, just sad. Then a whole lot of angry also with no real reason. Was just a mess most of the morning...but that's okay.

Had cake and a glass of iced coffee (I'm a tea drinker so brewed coffee is the Big Gun of my caffeinated world) and then burned off some of the anger with yardwork but it was still an out-of-sorts kind of day.

Got a shitload of laundry done, that's for sure. There's still plenty more which is probably a contributor to the free-floating anger.

Kept messing up my knitting which was definitely a contributor to the free-floating anger.

Fell asleep on the couch in the late afternoon and surprise, surprise...that helped. When all else fails just put yourself down for a nap like an overstimulated toddler.

Friday, June 2, 2017

Day 378

What a day.

Took a personal day for the dryer repair person and then got an email at 8:36 saying arrival time would be between 11:30 and 1:30. Got a text at 1:15 telling me the service person was en route. The guy arrived at 1:40 and I just didn't care for him.

Anyhow the reason another part in the dryer failed in so short a time is because the dryer vent not only runs many feet (15 perhaps) between the kitchen floor and basement ceiling but then goes UP to a vent some 10 feet or so above ground level. The vent near the ground outside turns out to be for the range. So even if I did hire someone to put a zillion dropcloths over the vintage computers, remove the acoustic tile and thoroughly clean the ductwork the problem would only recur because of the design. And there isn't a good solution because as the repairman noticed, the laundry room is in the middle of the house.

Once again the house has painfully reminded me there are REASONS why we have the profession "architect."  We are the second owners of this house. The first owners were the ones who had it blueprints they themselves had designed on one of those Eighties computer programs that aren't even made any more. Blueprints which they then shopped around to local contractors with the lowest bids. Every. Single. Time. We've had repairmen (yes, still always men in these parts) in for -anything- at some point I always hear "why did they do THAT?"

So this was a bitter but not unfamiliar pain. Two trips to the hardware store later and I've got the dryer venting into the garage for now but it looks ridiculous and means the garage door is now permanently open the width of slightly-smushed dryer air hose. But after damned near a month of heat less dryer we will adapt.

Dog acted up, brother in law acted up and the whole dryer inciden unnerved me enough that I screwed up my knitting and had to rip out a good hour-plus of work.

All that and the husband of an Internet acquaintance died. It was somewhat expected and he was 91 but it's still sad.

Carry-out for dinner and Not. One. Other. Thing. the whole rest of the night...except for re-doing the knitting I lost.

As I told Spouse on the phone, I am _really_good_ at coping. Highly capable.

But tired.

Thursday, June 1, 2017

Day 377

Okay day.

Made sure I had a substantial snack and extra caffeine around 3 and hey, presto! No sad/angry/resentful in the early evening. Seems like I'm overlooking physical issues like fatigue or hunger and attributing those things to emotion. Don't know where that came from but going to be working on it.

Stupid dryer repair customer service was supposed to text/email today to narrow down the arrival window from "between 8am and 5pm."  They texted and emailed...but only to confirm the SAME all-day window not narrow it down to morning or afternoon. Tried to get someone to pin it down morebut no luck whatsoever.

So I'm taking a personal day. Annoying but no other good choices. On the other hand it gives me another 3-day weekend and who doesn't like three day weekends?

I just hope it is an easy quick fix -- every single one of us has a bigger than usual pile of laundry.

Wednesday, May 31, 2017

Day 376

Better day.

As expected, woke up cold-free and pain-free which already made it better.

Quiet day at work which helped yet more...and my tedious 4:30 meeting got canceled.

Even so I had another round of down/sad/mad/tired from about 4:30 to about 7:30. Was dreading going home, annoyed when I got there, resentful of the usual evening stuff and just out of sorts. Treated it with some sweets and relaxing with a book for a while before starting dinner but I wasn't back to myself till after dinner and some couch-crash time. Dunno whether it's emotional or physical or both or neither but it's something...yesterday I wrote it all off to being angry-hungry but it was the same today and I made sure to have a snack. It bears watching...but I sure hope it isn't the new normal.

By 8:30 I was perky enough to do a bit of knitting so that was a nice way to end the evening. Now I'm going to try hard for Actual Sleep earlier than the past couple nights as that may be part of this early evening crash. that I'm used to feeling -good- most of the time I'm a lot fussier about anything upsetting the equilibrium. I tolerated and even expected far worse in the drinking past.

Tuesday, May 30, 2017

Day 375


Woke up with the head cold Youngest had last week and also a really irritating bit of neuralgia on my scalp of all places, probably from sitting funny while I did all that knitting this weekend. Then discovered not one, not two but -three- meetings added to my schedule. So not a great day...and then I let myself get way too hungry in the late afternoon even though I know better.

But hey, I can handle not-great. Snacked as soon as I got home and then rounded it out enough to call dinner...and took Aleve as soon as there was food in my stomach. Middle and Youngest went out for dinner (she wanted to try a new fast-food thing) so I gave ABL a Hungry Man which he considers a treat and crashed on the couch. Rose briefly to do lunches and take a muscle relaxer and am now back on the couch. The whole self-care thing is pretty much second nature now. 

But damn the nerve pain is annoying. Ah well, the Flexoril should help...either it will loosen up whatever is putting pressure/swelling on the nerve or it will make me sleepy enough not to care. But in either case I think it's time to shuffle off to bed. 

 If this had happened a couple of years ago my solution would have been to drink, of course. Wouldn't have had any better chance of working but would have guaranteed a lousy tomorrow. This is a clearly superior choice but boy it took a long time to see it that way. I'm grateful to Earlier Me who started down this path. 

Monday, May 29, 2017

Day 374

Overall a good day.

Did exactly as I planned I would: banana bread followed by shower. Did it rather earlier than I thought though as the dog decided he was up for the day at 5:45. Took a little nap around 9 to make up for it.

The Meal With Mother In Law wasn't awful just tedious...and Aunt-in-Law brought an awesome vegan casserole. Her church-ladies group has at least one vegan so she brought the dish to a pitch-in and even the carnivores raved and I see why: it was great. Sweet potatoes, quinoa, apricots, sun dried tomatoes and raisins don't -sound- necessarily like they would go together but they sure did.

Better still is that I finished one knitting project and started another - that always feels good. The finished one is a lace scarf I did specifically to wear around other knitters when I eventually go on another knitting vacation (like the cruise a year and a half ago.) I had not realized that one is supposed to wear proof of skill to such an event - never even crossed my mind - so I plan to be prepared next time. The new project is also a lace scarf but it is designed to show off the yarn as it is from my favorite indie dyer.

Knitting complicated lace is something I never would have bothered to try back when I was drinking. Now I have a fancy show-off-y scarf on blocking wires drying in an upstairs bedroom. Sober rocks.

Sunday, May 28, 2017

Day 373

Much better day. Got the shopping done early, had lots of good knitting time and the new (to me; it's from a nineteen-teens cookbook) recipe was a big hit.

Wish I didn't have to take the family to MiL's for late lunch/early supper tomorrow but there's no getting out of it at this late stage. Sigh. However even the unpleasant stuff is easier sober.

Weekends categorically are easier - I've got the stuff for banana bread laid out in the kitchen and there's no worry at all that strange emotional weirdness will mess any of it up in the night or that I'll be all "oh screw this" in the morning. I can plan to make the bread and then shower while it bakes and be reasonably sure those plans will come to fruition. It seems like a small thing but it's a huge self-esteem boost.

Sleep now though.

Saturday, May 27, 2017

Day 372

An up and down day.

Had a lot of anger and sadness but all's well that ends well - back to baseline by the time dinner was over and got a lot of good knitting done today.

Now if I could just figure out three more dinners for next week I'll be set. I'm lacto-ovo and Youngest eats no meat except chicken and turkey but doesn't like many vegetables. BiL isn't fussy but Middle is both fussy -and- the kind of carnivore who thinks dinner should be a recognizeable meat, starch and veg. Innotherwords no casseroles. I'll think of something. Maybe stir-fry with the beef on the side. Or something. Sigh.

Anyhow I think it's bedtime.

Friday, May 26, 2017

Day 371

Made it to Friday.

Ended up reading instead of knitting again as I ended up too tired too early in the evening but that's okay.

Nothing at all special happened tonight and that's just fine with me.

Thursday, May 25, 2017

Day 370

A very blah day.

Dreary weather, dreary work stuff, Youngest has a cold - the whole day was kind of a downer.

Also I looked into the "community" which runs the restaurant where I had the awesome food yesterday and, sadly, I just can't give them any more of my money. It's definitely a cult and that alone wouldn't necessarily be a deal-breaker but the fact that all those young people making the very tasty food aren't allowed to eat any of it (the tribe members eat a very plain diet) was enough to turn me off...and then I read about their child-rearing practices and it was all over for me. I'll stick to the Thai place or the Mexican place from now on.

On the other hand I have a good book on my Kindle app so the day isn't a total wash. Time to just read in bed till I get sleepy. Maybe something spontaneously good will happen.

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Day 369

A bed-by-nine-thirty day.

Morning meeting, big road trip for work, other associated work nonsense and MiL's ongoing leg pain that my healthcare system keeps all but ignoring.

On the other hand I found a really good restaurant and had an awesome hot sandwich for lunch so that was something.

I'm quietly excited to be starting my -second- year of sobriety. Feels good.

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Day 368

Not the greatest of days.

Walked into the office thinking I would have a quiet restful day because I totally forgot about the three-hour file review meeting. We got done early which was good because I had a different last-minute fix-an-acute problem meeting back to back with the first meeting. No more easy.

Some of you may remember that a recent sober treat was getting 23&Me genetic testing. That finally came in by email today (hard copy to follow.) You know how eavesdropping is always its own punishment? Genetic mapping seems to be the same way. I found out that ancestry-wise I'm genetically boring (what isn't British/Irish is French/German) but lucky me I have TWO copies of the late-onset Alzheimer's gene APO-E 4. Highest risk group possible. Most people have a less than 10% lifetime risk but I have a 2% risk by age 65, a 28% risk by age 75 and a 60%  risk by age 85 which is right around when my maternal grandmother got it. Joy. I know genetic risk isn't the only factor and we call people who rely on 60% effective birth control "parents" but it was still a helluva note this morning. Made me double down on my commitment to retire the very DAY I'm eligible for full benefits, that's for sure. I also ordered vegan Omega-3 fatty acid capsules and Lutein to act as an antioxidizer to go with it. Can't hurt; might help.

Also I can finally no longer ignore the fact that the dryer won't heat. Had much anger about that being One More Thing but after looking at YouTube videos about diagnosing a non-heating dryer I scheduled a service call from an authorized repair person. Not this Friday but next which is actually decent for this area but seems like forever away.

ABL's eavesdropping got him all worked up; he thought me talking about the dryer repair to Spouse had something to do with him (ABL not Spouse) going to the doctor which he hates. Got all stressed out in the kitchen. Had to talk him down.

But hey I'm dealing with the stuff and not getting too stressed and taking plenty of lie-down time on the couch with easy escapist fiction. It will be okay.

Monday, May 22, 2017

Day 367

Drove home. Rained pretty much the whole way.

Turned in the rental car, planned menus, bought groceries, cooked dinner, did laundry...and in between spent a lot of time flopped on the couch because capital-T Tired hit hard during the grocery shopping.

Oh but won $10 on a $1 scratch-off lottery ticket. That was nice...and I hope it is a harbinger of good things to come this week. But now sleep.

Sunday, May 21, 2017

Days 365 & 366 - Soberversary!

Didn't plan to skip last night's post - fell asleep in the easy chair.

It's okay though since yesterday was Day 365 which is one year but today is May 21 which is one year by actual day. So they can both be Soberversary.

One year ago yesterday I drank for the last time. I had quit for a little over four months in 2004 then didn't even try again till 2015 when I realized in July I -really- needed to quit. Did almost two months and just over six months but this is the time which finally stuck. It's both absolutely ordinary and completely stunning all at once.

If you had told me three or four years ago I'd be able to celebrate a whole year of sobriety I would have been wistful but not very believing. "Too hard." Yeah well it hasn't always been easy but it wasn't nearly the gigantic overwhelming thing I used to make it out to be. And doing the sober thing makes so much of the REST of life so MUCH easier that it is totally worth it.

[Much later]

Didn't do anything special but Eldest made a cake which was nice. Also nice: had this house since August of 2013 but this is the first spring I've been here when the landscaping flowers were actually blooming. Five colors of iris, a couple rhododendron bushes and a lot-lot of laurel. Laurel flowers are so pretty they look like an artist's rendition of a flower all gathered up in bunches. Plus there was a mated pair of cardinals in the front yard. So that was all good.

Tomorrow I drive back to the other house. Wish I didn't have to but that's where the job is.

Here's to Year Two.

Friday, May 19, 2017

Day 364

Another day full of the crazy.

There was so much family nuttiness I threatened to buy one of those burner cellphones and start sleeping in my office. Got a laugh out of Spouse, which is hard to do. Humor is a far better coping mechanism than saving it all up to trade for really plastered.

Oh and getting a big bakery cinnamon raisin danish doesn't hurt either. Haven't had one in at least two if not more years so it was a very nice way to start the day. Stuck with me too, which I found surprising.

Still...I'm really glad to be in bed for the night. Really. Hugely. Glad. As I said on my way out of the family room,"I think only about six of every ten neurons are still working."

Tomorrow is a whole new day. Day -after- tomorrow is the official soberversary. Not sure how I'll celebrate.

Thursday, May 18, 2017

Day 363

Another long day.

Did everything I needed to do. The family doesn't know yet but I'm in bed for the night at 9:36. They'll figure it out eventually.

Been eating a lot of sweets and not doing any walking this past week - too much chaos in all other aspects of life - but I'm just letting it ride. I'm not drinking and I haven't had any big emotional outbursts so everything else can just wait.

And now sleep...keeping oneself afloat in a sea of chaos is exhausting.

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

Day 362

Another day full of the crazy.

But it's over now...and I wisely spent most of the evening horizontal on the couch as all the stress of days previous is catching up to me. One positive note though: despite all the lunacy I've had no desire whatsoever to drink. Even at the stupid work shindig with wine last night. Just went straight for the water without a second thought about it.

Since I'm going to be at the other house I think the fancy cake is gonna have to wait a month. That's okay; I need a big time treat for then too.

It's really happening. So many years of my life I had this seemingly impossible dream but it is quite possible and getting closer all the time.

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

Day 361

Another long day.

Still too much family drama thanks to Scylla...she's really pulling out all the stops this time. Had a lot of anger earlier today but oddly enough kinda peaceful now about the horrible lying and truth-twisting. She can make a lot of noise and gets to Spouse the way my mother got to me but she can't hurt me and I am not at all above telling her the hell off. One of the things sobering up, turning 50 and being menopausal gave me was the belief that I'm old and wise enough to say what the fuck I feel like saying and not be all worried about conflict or the feelings of those who have been awful. Had enough experience as an adult to figure that I'm basically decent and those who anger me probably have it coming.

That applied at work today too. Stayed angry a bit longer but got over that one too.

Gonna spend my Sunday Soberversary at the other house in more civilization; how cool is that?

Gotta sleep now though.

Monday, May 15, 2017

Day 360

Better day.

Still room for improvement but orders of magnitude superior to yesterday.

Also the big one-year mark is only five days away. That's so cool.

But for now bedtime.

Sunday, May 14, 2017

Day 359

Family drama, Day Two. Really rough day. Scylla was in such fine form I had to just leave the premises for a while. Used excuse "out of ice."

Much earlier night though - by 10:30 all the family in the house were asleep except me & dawgs and we are all piled down for the night ready to start trying.

Stayed sober. Didn't overeat due to anger/frustration/sadness either. Those things make it a day full of win already...but I also won $15 on a one-dollar lottery scratch off card so go me.

Sure hope today wasn't a harbinger for the week ahead.

Saturday, May 13, 2017

Day 358

Well technically Day 359 since it is close to two in the morning

Much family drama. Much. Still sober. Glad I'm so close to a year that even when whole rest of family started imbibing I wasn't particularly tempted. Been doing this sober thing long enough that it wasn't even really a consideration any more than eating meat would be.

Good thing too as "hey I'm a sober person" is currently one of the few positive self-esteem things I've got going for myself. Glad it's a big one.

Things will improve; they always do. Probably not tomorrow as that's the day we throw Scylla and Charybdis into the mix but maybe the day after. And once I do get to sleep I won't wake up feeling like hell so there's that.

Friday, May 12, 2017

Day 357

Not a great day.

All through work I kept telling myself that once I got home and settled I'd have the whole evening to knit. Then when it finally rolled around I was too tired to do anything but lie on the couch.

Just as I was ready to doze off I learned that not only are the away family coming up this weekend but Eldest already arranged to have MiL and her sister over to this house for Mother's Day dinner. Joy. MiL is totally excited about this new surprise development and wants to help Eldest cook said dinner in my kitchen. Color me far less than thrilled. I've already started pushing for carry-out instead.

I'll get through this and get through it sober but just -one- year I'd like NOT to have to do the inter-generational shuffle for the most guilt-laden Hallmark holiday on the calendar.

Thursday, May 11, 2017

Day 356

Super long mostly icky day.

Forgot (blocked, more like) that tonight was Youngest's scholastic awards ceremony which you would think is a good thing and in theory it is but in practice it goes on and on largely because the teachers - English most of all - feel obligated to speechify. The kookiest of the bunch said that she had five awards to give and the thing which tied them all together was...zombies. Not kidding. She made all five into various characters in her zombie apocalypse story: The Leader, The Helper,The Character, The Nerd and I can't remember the one between Character and Nerd because I was so stunned she was doing that whole "you make nerds cool" bullshit...

...well, anyhow my kid got two awards so I should be happy but after a lousy day at work and rushing around to get shit -particularly dinner - done before the awards ceremony I was in No Mood by the time we got home and the call to our Away Family didn't go well.

On the other hand after the awards ceremony -last- year I came home and had my first drink poured within five minutes of crossing the threshold at nine-thirty...then followed it up with three more. Didn't get to sleep till closer to one than midnight and I'm sure I must've done the wake-at-three go-back-to-sleep-miserable thing and must have felt like utter garbage the next day but not even noticed because that's just how mornings were.

This is better. It really is. 

Wednesday, May 10, 2017

Day 355

Really long day.

Went straight from my 4:30-5:30 meeting down to campus so Middle could move home. Had to get a printer cartridge on the way home so Youngest could print out a school assignment which meant I got way too tired and hungry before I actually ate.

Eating helped though, as did buying some pre-made deli sandwiches for lunches tomorrow - I have a very low threshold for "even making a sandwich is too much effort tonight."

Wanted to do a whole pattern repeat on my knitting project but only managed least I'm learning to have good sense and stop rather than pressing on and getting frustrated. Even now at almost a year it is still all about not getting overwhelmed or frustrated.

Tuesday, May 9, 2017

Day 354

Didn't even realize I hadn't hit "post" on yesterday's entry till I came here abnormally early and at work to start today's.  Thought for sure I had...but it was late and I've been frustrated lately. Anyhow...

I was unsuccessful in getting anyone to call me back yesterday.  Figures, right?  However I kept checking and checking the online MyChart because I knew the radiology results auto-released at SOME point.  Well of course right after I finished my novel at damned near midnight and before I planned to start actually sleeping I had to check one last time...and the results were there. Apparently the magic number is four business days.  No adenoma seen. Not on any of the modalities.  A probable colloid cyst in the thyroid but that's nothing. So of course that meant I was tossing and turning and pondering (and texting the info to Spouse) till freaking one-thirty in the morning before I actually got to sleep...then woke up from a bad dream at 2:30 and was up for the day at even though it's barely 1pm right now I'm ready to call it a day.  Can't, of course, but that's what caffeine is for I suppose.

I was afraid of exactly this outcome and am frustrated by it but have decided not to have surgery, at least not now or any time soon.  What this means is that I still have primary hyperparathyroidism and it’s still causing the flimsy bones but we can’t easily point and say “there, that’s the spot causing the trouble.” 

Most of the studies say that only 60% of adenomas show up on scans and that surgical intervention is the only true curative process for primary hyperparathyroidism but I was much more okay with a teeny little surgery to go looking for a known adenoma than I am with doing the bigger surgery we'd be discussing now: bilateral exploration to look at all four glands, take the biggest one, do intraoperative PTH monitoring and all that stuff. Longer anesthesia time, more chance for nerve damage, bigger scar...and yes, as I think I mentioned a few days ago, the scar is an issue as it would be right on the front of my neck and I don't HAVE enough of a neck to be covering it up with scarves and such -- I've favored open and V and scoop necklines my whole life to avoid the snowman effect.  So even though it may still seem shallow and vain the idea of either showing off a scar to the whole world 24/7 (my primary choice) or having to learn an entirely new and awkward way of dressing (which wouldn't be possible at work anyhow as I wear scrubs now) is part of the decision-making process.

Another part is the whole anesthesia/surgery/hospital thing…never been keen on ANY of that. Particularly general anesthesia. I read _Coma_ the summer I was eleven and it really stuck with me over the years...aided by the fact that a beloved histology technician in my residency ended up dying of hypoxic brain injury due to an anesthesia misadventure while she was getting surgery for a freaking shoulder lipoma. So I'm not keen on "going under" for any reason.

And yes, the fact that my surgeon just doesn't do all that many of these and we're a teaching hospital with surgical residents plays into the decision too...more so for my family than me as I have to be all open-minded and understanding about it but my kids all know the teacher who got recurrent laryngeal nerve damage from her parathyroid surgery for exactly the kind of disease I have.

The bigger part, though, is that other studies seem to show that primary hyperparathyroidism doesn't get better or go away without surgery but it doesn't get a whole lot worse either.  If I had true osteoporosis instead of osteopenia (the precursor to osteoporosis)  I might consider going ahead with the bigger surgery but I don't....and I don't really have any symptoms either.  Yes, I had the totally-no-trauma stress fracture and will be running around knowing I'm at risk for another but I don't do high-impact anything and am not overly concerned at this point. Right now the benefits of NOT having the surgery seem more/better to me than the benefits of having the surgery.  Of course if I got a kidney stone or another fracture I would likely change my mind.

So that's THAT settled at least. I'm really glad NOT to be having surgery as you all know that the week I thought I didn't need it I was much happier than when it looked like I had to do it after all.  Maybe now I can start being more excited about other aspects of my the idea that in less than two weeks I will have a WHOLE YEAR of continuous sobriety.

[much later]
Did all the evening stuff, finished another book and am now in bed. THIS time I'm putting down the smartphone early.

All my family and friends, including my two doctor friends, think I am making the right decision by not having the surgery. Good to have support.

Checked my mail and somehow I've gotten on a "Bible verse of the day" emailing list and the first one was Ephesians 5:18 And be not drunk with wine, wherein is excess; but be filled with the Spirit.   Weirdly appropriate. Maybe they start everyone out with that one or maybe someone's selling my browser history but it was an okay way to end this day. Sleep now. 

Day 353

Still no radiology results. Got a snotty secretary when I called to inquire, too. From tone of voice she clearly thought it was a great kindness to leave a message for the nurse...who never called me back. This was after pointing out that I had "just" had the tests because "it isn't even a week yet" never mind that I know damned well the radiology turnaround time is even faster than anatomic pathology. I never ever title-drop but the freaking MD is right on my chart and every single identification sticker ever printed for me so clearly that secretary either didn't bother to read past first three letters of last name plus date of birth or has some personal vendetta.

Also my lunch date got canceled.

So I came home, did a super easy dinner and buried myself in a novel for the night. Maybe tomorrow will be better. I'd kind of like to know whether I need surgery or not, y'know?

Sunday, May 7, 2017

Day 352

I declared today a Minimalist Day: only what must be done, not what ought to be done or might be a good idea. After the family drama and with the continued unseasonably cold, gray and rainy weather, I needed to just snuggle inside and not worry about steps or cleaning or anything other than reading my current novel and working on my new knitting that's what I did.

Because I made the lunches early in the afternoon I had all the must-do stuff done by 6pm and that was a really good feeling. Didn't make me less annoyed that I still have no radiology results or make me miss Spouse any less or make me any less disgusted with the most recent round of family drama (which seems to have subsided I hope) but it made all of those things easier to tolerate.

Self-care means listening to myself which in this case is NOT continuing to try to knit "just one more row" on my new and relatively complicated project...and it also means NOT forcing myself to answer a friend's email yet tonight even though that's what I kind of had in mind when I sat down at this computer just now. It means winding down, walking the dog and going to bed early because the body is saying "tired" and the brain is saying "enough" and I can read a while in bed and still be asleep at a decent hour.

Two weeks from today is my one-year soberversary.  I'm excited about that but not yet planning anything to/for/by/with/at/about it...seems like there are too many other things happening all around right now.  Still thinking about ordering a fancy cake though: there's always a place for cake.

Saturday, May 6, 2017

Day 351

Bah. It's much better when days start out lousy and improve. This one was the other way around.

Lovely quiet morning fighting with my new knitting project (I won) but then family drama just kept filling the day like water in a leaky boat. Sometimes it's like that.

The weather isn't helping either; every time I had motive and opportunity for a walk it was raining hard. Poked around the supermarket and did a bit on spinny-bike but definitely didn't hit the step count today. Resentment bag though...that's another story. Going to bed and writing this blog post are part of my active emptying of said bag because it's just too draining to haul around a bag that full and heavy.

Made a curry for lunches next week and it's good but at the absolute top of my tolerable-spiciness level. I'm thinking maybe a glop of sour cream or yogurt might help. But right now sleep will help.

Getting closer to a year all the time...even on an otherwise lousy day that still feels pretty good. Banana bread for breakfast (it's cooling on the counter right now) is pretty good too. So are all of you fine people.

Friday, May 5, 2017

Day 350

Long day but a good one.

Worked hard all day but got done by four. Went for a walk after dinner and then had a brand new knitting project to play with. Got interrupted by family drama but didn't let it get to me and even made a bit of peace via social media around a friendship which had fallen apart some time ago. An overall good end to the week.

Thursday, May 4, 2017

Day 349

I've never started a post this early (quarter past the morning, not evening) but I wanted to make note of something before the daily chaos made it slip my mind. While cruising the internet (okay, FaceBook) in the span of less than 3 minutes I've seen first an ad for "wine to-go cups" and now some click bait title "beer can help pain."  I don't want to harsh anybody's mellow and am overall fine with "handle your high" but ferpitysake isn't a "to go" wineglass (heavy white glass with a silicone sleeve) being marketed as "soppy cup for adults" normalizing freaking drinking in public during usually-sober times and places just a bit much?!? Hip flasks have been around forever but always carried at best an underground-rebel stigma. I get that it's a free market economy but I'm just sort of stunned. Maybe it's me. It probably is.

[MUCH later]

Such a long day. Found out my endocrinologist won't be back in the office till Monday. Our hospital's Privacy Office is real assholes about not letting anyone look in their own chart so I'm stuck not knowing outcome till -next- week.

Also had Day Two of dealing with car insurance stuff and I've just given up on ever seeing spring again...we may get snow on Monday.

On the other hand I got my 10k steps in watching another episode of Catastrophe while doing spinny-bike (that's what Youngest calls the stationary bicycle) and I am going to be so sad when I work my way through the 6 episodes of Season 3 as who knows how long I'll have to wait for Season 4? Going to make it last though...I ended up totally binge-watching the new season of Transparent.

Also had some good chocolate today so that helped too.

Only just now did I realize that if today is 349 that makes tomorrow Day 350 which is a big number and getting so close to a year...once again it is amazing how everything has changed for the better. Not a huge great landslide kind of everything but a quiet buffing-and-putting-in-the-sunshine kind of everything.

And now I've got to start trying to sleep...the maybe-surgery stress is coming out in my dreams and in waking up at weird hours.

Wednesday, May 3, 2017

Day 348

Lousy day...and I freely admit the greater part of lousy was my own mood doing it.

Woke up hoping to have a MyChart message about my test results but no such luck...and that frustration set a tone for the whole rest of the day. Of course it had to be the morning I was getting the oil changed in the car -and- turning in the plates from the car we just gave Eldest -and- faxing the subsequent paperwork to the insurance company all on a day when I had a bunch of Actual Work to do. Cue up resentment there...and the weather was all cold and rainy and I didn't really like what I'd packedmyself for lunch and and and...well, you get the idea.

For the first time in two and a half weeks I just couldn't talk myself into going for a walk at any point during the day. Hell I took to my bed at six but didn't get to stay there - ABL freaking had to do his laundry  and although he would be -capable- of doing it with Youngest's minor supervision, the _ritual_ involves me. His version of autism is way big on ritual and routine.

Be that as it may I more or less got over myself and got the evening stuff done. Now I'm back in bed for real this time...and hoping I'll be in a better emotional place tomorrow. If nothing else I won't have as much work to do which should help.