Thursday, October 19, 2017

Day 517

Almost 17 months. Pretty cool and I know the daily check-in is a big part of my success. Without it I would have far too easy a time drifting away into the lands of Doesn’t Really Matter and Not Really A Problem. Especially with all the other drinkers in my family.

Speaking of which....

Today was a really good day. Went for a nice long walk with an engaging audiobook then Spouse and I got carry out lunch from a seafood place - haven’t eaten that much or that well in ages. In between those two events I got a decent amount of knotting done and binge-watched a few episodes of Transparent season 4.

So I was really surprised when out of the blue in the early afternoon I started getting a Big Sad for seemingly no apparent reason. Everything was good so what the heck? Then I realized, belatedly, that it had started right after the drinkers in the family had decided they would be doing so tonight. On an intellectual level I’m totally fine with “different strokes for different folks” and “their lives; their choices” and the previously popular “not my circus; not my monkeys.” However that doesn’t mean I still don’t have a whole lot of “well that didn’t turn out so well” stored in the memory banks including a few still fairly recent still fairly ugly things...which makes Sad a perfectly understandable thought.

Also “frigging annoyed” when they got to the boisterous stage. I don’t like raining on anyone’s parade and see above for not getting entangled but still. It’s hard when it’s family. But I’m managing. Excused myself for a shower and I believe we will have reached the going-to-sleep-early part of the evening by the time I get back.

Pretty sure my Seventeen-Month treat is gonna be bigger than usual though.

Wednesday, October 18, 2017

Day 516

Up and down day.

Did my walk early in the morning which always feels good.

Mostly the day was about the home repairs which were finally finished at six thirty this evening. The tile guys wanted to start late since they had a nearby job which couldn’t start before five but they underestimated what needed to be done and how fast they could do it. They tried to tell me it was all done at 5:45 but they had very much rushed the edges of the grout where it abutted the cabinets so I politely made them fix it. I am very proud of myself for that as I am usually non-confrontational to a fault and have difficulty with conflict. However I kept saying to myself “we are paying X for this floor so it needs to be done right” along with a side of “after this they will not be coming back.”

Sobriety didn’t directly help with the above but I’m sure it did indirectly. I’m more centered and have a greater sense of self worth (absence of drinking shame will do that) so it’s easier to expect good things and to have potentially difficult conversations.

The floor looks great. Got too hungry, angry and tired for too long during the process though. Made sure to get something to eat and take time to sit and relax while I ate - that fixed me right up. At almost 17 months self care is finally feeling like a natural next step. Oh and speaking of self care, sometime between 4:30 when they had thought they would be done and the 5:30 walk-through I ordered myself a couple tops online from my phone as a reward for Dealing With the three days of removal/installation. I think it is important to reward oneself. Not only because it’s a way to show self-love but also because so many years were spent thinking drinking was the reward for everything and I don’t want that idea anywhere near me.

Tomorrow I’m sleeping in.

Tuesday, October 17, 2017

Day 515

As vacation days go it was okay. Definitely this week of vacation is going better than the one last month. And now I find my mind a complete blank. Guess that’s okay. Between the contractors and the driving to get food and the old sit-coms I’m kinda brain dead.

Monday, October 16, 2017

Day 514

Bah. Getting new flooring which will be lovely when done but was horribly loud and echo-y all day. Plus dust all over everything. Gonna take 3 days instead of the 2 originally estimated. Praise be the dog likes them but what an icky day.

My walk helped and of course I was in pajamas by six thirty. Soon to an early bedtime. Always a good choice.

Sunday, October 15, 2017

Day 513

First real day of vacation was good. Went for a very long walk with Eldest in the morning and got all my steps done early in the day. After that I got plenty of good knitting time. Best of all? Nobody’s drinking. Tomorrow and Tuesday we are getting tile installed which won’t be entirely vacation-y but it needs done and will look really nice afterwards.

I’m really appreciating this down-time.

Saturday, October 14, 2017

Day 512

Ah, vacation.

Icky drive due to detour and being far too hangry for most of it but good pizza fixed me right up. Took my walk and was showered and in pajamas by 6 which felt delightful.

I realized today that -next- Saturday is my 17 months Soberversary. That’s quite cool. So is not having -any- responsibilities for the next week.

Friday, October 13, 2017

Day 511

Glad it’s Friday and even more glad I have a week off work.

Glad too that I’ve managed to excuse myself off to bed. I’m okay for most of the night but there always comes a point where something small but significant inside me snaps and I just can’t wait to be away from the drinkers. Who, paradoxically, never want me to leave.

Tomorrow will be better, I’m sure.

I look now and think “how could I -do- that all those years?” and yet it wasn’t long ago at all that I thought it was not just -a- necessary thing in life but -the- necessary thing in life for celebration, stress reduction, any random without drinking at all, ever, seemed impossible.

Boy was I wrong.

Thursday, October 12, 2017

Day 510

Wow five hundred and ten is a lot. Of anything, really, but especially of sober days in a row. Feels good.

So does having this week wind down. I’m off work next week so I will take Spouse and girl-beagle back down to the other house and have a week of doing pretty much nothing which will be very welcome.

I just have to get through a lot of work tomorrow first. Sigh. But a good night of sleep will help and that’s what I’m getting ready to have.

Wednesday, October 11, 2017

Day 509

Long day.

For the first time in ages - well, months anyhow, I had a passing thought of drinking. Didn’t last at all but it was there. I’d just come from the liquor store (yeah yeah I end up buying for other family members “since you’re going out anyway”) and put the booze in the trunk and in the time between sliding behind the wheel and starting the car there was “you could have one of those you know. Remember how good it felt?” That was immediately followed by “what?!!? And give up five hundred some odd days? For something that wouldn’t either be that good? Nothing is worth starting all over again at one after this long.” And that was that - the end.

Except it wasn’t really the end because I realized it was a sign that life is currently a bit too much for me. Can’t fix any of it just yet but I have a week of vacation next week which I am hoping will help. In the meantime I’m trying to make things as easy on myself as possible. It’s mostly helping although I am still doing a bit too much self-martyring I think.

But now sleep.

Tuesday, October 10, 2017

Day 508

Emotions all over the place today. Definitely not drinking and not even overeating but I couldn’t manage any family togetherness tonight. Crashed on the couch till 9:30 when I threw together a lunch for tomorrow, moved laundry to dryer and adjourned to bed. Whatever the problem a good night of restful sleep is always part of the solution. 

Monday, October 9, 2017

Day 507

Better day.

Got a long-awaited home repair done - by a contractor not us - so that felt good. Got two compliments on my new scrub top (autumn leaves) and decided that even though it is far brighter colors than I usually wear I look good in it. Also skipped another not-applicable-to-me conference in favor of getting Actual Work done so that felt nice.

On the other hand, I had a case of The Sads in late afternoon, the dogs are getting tired of one another and ABL is starting in on his third or fourth week of “let’s see if I can get SamKD mad enough to yell at me.” So it’s a mixed bag...

...but it’s a sober mixed bag and that makes all the difference.

Sunday, October 8, 2017

Day 506

Did all the things I needed to do and some of the things I wanted to do. Stayed sober in the face of much drinking. Would have gone to bed at eight thirty if it wouldn’t have raised too many eyebrows. Nine forty five was still enough to generate comments.

Tomorrow is another day.

Saturday, October 7, 2017

Day 505

Another long day full of family issues. Did not drink or even have a fleeting desire to drink but -did- have my nice long daily walk. That’s full of win.

Friday, October 6, 2017

Day 504

“Tired” caught up to me with a vengeance today. Woke up out of crazy unpleasant dreams and stayed ridiculously sleepy all day. Got all the stuff done that I needed to do but it was a slog.

Didn’t need to deal with dinner which was a help but didn’t baby myself enough otherwise I don’t think. But at least now I’m crashed on the couch which is at least horizontal if not all the way to bed.

It’s been a rough week, family-wise. Every single family member had their own set of issues and I’ve been doing, IMHO, far too much emotional care-taking. Starting to be work not to fill up the bag of resentment despite my best efforts to carve out plenty of me-time. I don’t want to drink but I have found myself thinking “yeah, this was the shit you drank so much to avoid and these are the feelings you kept trying to blunt.” It’s better to feel feelings but not always easier. Well, -is- easier to deal with all this stuff sober and alert but it’s still not necessarily pleasant.

Definitely more pleasant than a booze-fueled argument or breakdown or the inevitable hangover. So at least there’s that.

Thursday, October 5, 2017

Day 503

A good day.

Woke up with a headache but Aleve cured it by eight - how cool is that?

Got all the stuff done today that I wanted to get done and managed not to get sucked into too much family drama. Ankle-deep at most.

My Day 500 treat of the two new scrub tops will arrive tomorrow so now I have two new things for next week which will be will thinking “five hundred days!” every time I wear one or the other.

Best of all: my new audiobook is engaging enough to make walking enjoyable. I finished my Really Good audiobook yesterday and had worried nothing would be able to hold my interest after that but I was glad to be wrong.

My new nightly routine of writing a blog post is just -so- much better than my old nightly routine of drinking water and making sure there was more by my bed. Never gets old, this restful-sleep thing. Never.

Wednesday, October 4, 2017

Day 502

Such an up and down day today. All the emotions at various times and a distinct desire to run away from home. But I did it all sober which I am absolutely certain made it easier in the long run. Not only could I think thoughts and feel feelings (I remember when I hid in the bottle from both of those) but I could articulate some of those thoughts and feelings in constructive ways.

Could also keep less constructive thoughts and feelings to myself, too. Those tend to be the ones which explode out of the bottle anyhow despite best efforts.

A good thing: first blood pressure check in almost a year was fantastic: 114/70. Granted I’ve been walking regularly these past two weeks but the greatest part of that number is abstinence. Read a Canadian blog a while back which stayed that regular alcohol consumption was -the- biggest cause of so-called “essential” hypertension in middle aged individuals of both genders. So that was nice.

What’s not so nice is that it is after 11 and I am still wide awake but that’s what the Kindle app for iPhone is made for: reading easily while lying down in the dark.

Tuesday, October 3, 2017

Day 501

This day had good things in it.

My audiobook was so good I ended up taking an extra long lunchtime walk just to reach a decent stopping point.

Used my words in good and careful ways to - I hope - improve the family dynamic.

Recognized an oncoming cold and went to bed early.

Couldn’t have done any of those things without being sober first.

Monday, October 2, 2017

Day 500

New milestone.

Kinda wish I’d made more of a fuss about it but that’s not where life is right now. Spent far more of the day having feelings about somebody else’s drinking than my own sobriety which is sort of weird. Did, however, skip the meeting I had planned to skip and had a nice walk with my awesome audiobook - I’m going to be sad when it’s over as it set the bar really high.

I am more emotionally tired than physically tired but bed is a good solution for both...and five hundred is a really cool number even if I didn’t make a big deal of it.

Sunday, October 1, 2017

Day 499

Nobody ever writes grocery shopping into their novels. Even in the stunningly brilliant (Amazon's Best of 2015) one I'm reading now the food is already there being cooked, being eaten, making plot points...but never being purchased. The weekly trip really rubbed me the wrong way today; can you tell?

Other than that it was an okay day. Bought myself two new mail order scrub tops for work as my Day   500 present - then turned around and spent the same amount of money on frigging drain-fly goo because no matter how often I remind the kid with dish duty to empty the sink and clean the drain screens regularly they seem to think "regularly"means in the celestial or possibly geologic sense. Oh well; it's a relatively easy fix.

A bright note: Middle will be quitting smoking this week. Praise be and how I hope it sticks. It's a group project he and several friends are doing. Not sure there's any analogy with quitting drinking and even if there were I wouldn't want to -say- anything as I'm sure it wouldn't be well-received but I did make sure he's got a Zyban script waiting in the wings.

I really hope it's a good week. As another Day 500 present actually ON the day I gave myself permission to skip my dumb noon meeting tomorrow. That should help.

Saturday, September 30, 2017

Day 498

Hey, nearly to 500! Pretty cool. Only now registered on my radar.

Very up and down day. All's well that ends well I guess. I tellya though it's getting harder and harder to be around seriously drunk people. I have plenty of compassion...just not much patience.

Friday, September 29, 2017

Day 497

Bed at 9 tonight. Sometimes the emotionally safest place to be is under the covers. Let the world turn without me tonight.

Thursday, September 28, 2017

Day 496

Bah. Long day with a fair number of difficulties.

Dropped Youngest off at home before returning to work for a 4-5pm meeting and found myself telling Spouse "I go to work at a job I kinda hate right now then when I get home I've got all this other stuff to do and now I'm doing all this eating right and walking because I don't want to have a heart attack...I feel like I'm doing everything right and got nothing to show for it." He hugged me and probably said something I don't remember.

Later in the night Youngest said "I heard you tell Dad..." and repeated my words back before saying "and it made me wonder if when I get to be fifty I'm going to feel that way."

That was reasonably stunning. Got no clue what to do about any of it.

Wednesday, September 27, 2017

Day 495

Today's self care was recognizing that I had to get Away From all the emotionally draining humans and go to bed at 9:30. Fortunately none of them gave me pushback. I write "fortunately" because it's still a little hard for me to just excuse myself from the family stuff. However it is way better than filling my bag of resentment up especially as I no longer cash in a full bag for a full bottle.

Tuesday, September 26, 2017

Day 494

Long day and I'm tired but it was a better day than yesterday for sure. Tomorrow is already better than either previous one because my big site-visit road trip got canceled.

I am way better than I used to be at taking care of myself and not pushing or martyr-ing myself but there's still room for progress: even though I was complaining about the heat before I crossed the threshold it took Spouse suggesting more than once that I should abandon cooking in favor of carry-out before I said yes. Silly.

Overall though, the whole stress/life balance is so much better than it used to be.

Monday, September 25, 2017

Day 493

So. Tired.

Many frustrating things today, not the least of which was the continued heat wave...but I got through all of them and am now finally in bed. Such a good feeling; bed when tired. And how nice to fall into the bed full of appreciation rather than vodka.

Sunday, September 24, 2017

Day 492

Long day.

The unseasonable heat wave had me irritated like a bug bite most of the day but once it cooled off I got better. Got a lot accomplished for the week food-wise, too. 

Tired, though. Started walking again and it's showing by the end of the day. 

Speaking of days, I'm kind of amazed at creeping up to 500. It's very cool. Everything - and I mean everything - is easier. Ya gotta stick with it though - I was telling someone working toward bigger chunks of sober time that the good stuff doesn't happen right away. After the first few days of "hey, I'm not hung over" wear off there's still the messed up sleep for a while and once that sort of fades the one-month mark is all "hey, I did a month, hooray!" But then there's this whole long haul where you don't feel particularly better physically and it's way easy to start thinking all those "maybe" thoughts so getting to 60 days requires more self-care and effort than one would think...and although I may be totally remembering it wrong, I think I felt the -really- good stuff didn't start being obvious till after 6 months and maybe more like 8. It is SOOoo worth it though. If you stick with it you become this whole better version of yourself.

Saturday, September 23, 2017

Day 491

Re-supply day.

When the 17 and 20 year olds run the house for a week they don't do much in the way of shopping. Therefore that was a huge chunk of my day. Got tired and frustrated at one point and almost had a breakdown in the dairy aisle of the first grocery but instead of loading up my bag of resentment I decided it was checkout time and had one of the newly-bought bananas on the way home as "too hungry" was part of the issue.

I was pretty pleased at how well I took care of myself -- it's a little thing but moving past that "power through it"/"gotta do All The Things" mindset is still a work in progress. Important work though because anger and resentment over the food shopping used to be a seriously big trigger for me.

Your mileage may vary, of course, but for so very long I used to push myself way too hard to get all the chores done on any given day and then use that to justify the drink I -deserved- because after all look at how hard I worked! Harder in the short term but healthier in the long run.

The trip is catching up with me; I'm so sleepy I've dozed off just while writing this much. Bedtime.

Friday, September 22, 2017

Day 490

Long drive home, short stop in office, carry-out for dinner.

Good to be home. Better to have Spouse here too. Best to not have alcohol dragging any of us down tonight.

Thursday, September 21, 2017

Day 489

Sixteen months. Huzzah!

Meet-up with my friend and her family went okay. Good to see her again. However the pix on my cellphone were depressing not because I'm fat but because from the nose down my face looks -exactly- like my mother's which is not a good thing. Between that and the indigestion from dinner I was a pretty unhappy cowpoke for a while but seem better now. My emotions get back to Center/baseline so much more quickly now.

I am so glad I started this journey and stuck with it.

Wednesday, September 20, 2017

Day 488

Good day although it's ending on a cranky note...but that's what bedtime is for.

Turns out I'll be spending a chunk of tomorrow late afternoon/early evening meeting up with a residency friend of mine and her family. Have mixed feelings about it but it's been several years and I have mixed feelings about everything so it will probably be wonderful.

I do not, however, consider it a sober treat. Will still have to think about what I want for that. Well, what I want which is actually possible, that is, because "drastic reduction in the level of daily family drama" isn't something over which I have any control. On the other hand, quitting drinking has led to a vast reduction in my level of daily inner drama which is probably overall helpful to the whole.

Sad tomorrow is my last vacation day but all things, good and bad, eventually end.

Tuesday, September 19, 2017

Day 487

Good day: major knitting, long walk, tasty food. Day after tomorrow is -sixteen- months. Very exciting but as of right now I have no plans. That might ought to change.

If you are a regular overdrinker who still keeps life together and wonders "does my family even notice or care about my drinking?" Trust me: they do. Very effing much.

Monday, September 18, 2017

Day 486

Better day.

Long walk with new audiobook was a good start and getting the car back from repairs meant I was all done with Actual Tasks and can now have another three days of -just- down-time with nothing hanging over my head.

Less drama within the family too. Always a good thing.

Thursday will be sixteen months. That's pretty cool.

Sunday, September 17, 2017

Day 485

If you ever once thought "but will they like who I am without the booze?"

Yes. Yes they will. Promise.

Saturday, September 16, 2017

Day 484

484 is a nice number. Good symmetry.

Glad I still have five whole vacation days after today because so far it's got significant room for improvement. Don't particularly want or need yet another learning experience about how best to deal with my own emotions in the face of others' actions, emotions and issues.

But at least it's different from what I -was- doing and the food is quite good. Plus I got at least a little knitting done today.

Hey maybe tomorrow morning is when it all turns around and becomes wonderful. Even if it isn't it will still be a sober morning and that makes everything easier to sort out.

Friday, September 15, 2017

Day 483

Much better day.

Got the one actual -task- for this vacation (car repair) underway and had a nice shopping trip with Eldest. All of the strange emotions from family last night seem to have resolved into something much more recognizably normal in the light of day.

My own emotions were quite up and down last night and this morning - never fun to deal with big change and even less so when it is largely substance driven. But things are looking better on all fronts.

Day 482 (and a fraction)

Still sober; it's just weird. Went to other house and family is, as my youngest would say, "all different-y."  More if/when I can.

Wednesday, September 13, 2017

Day 481

Today was proof that moods change without active intervention.

Woke up twenty minutes late with a bad case of the mean reds and everything went wrong on the way out the door. Was still all angry and tense (for no particular reason) most of the morning.

But then it just faded. By the time I was done with site visits and on my way to lunch I felt totally normal - without having done anything specific. Had a nice lunch at the mall and even found a new top just because I happened to walk by it and think "Ooh - pretty!"

So all those years when I saved up that anger so that I could "reward" myself with drinking in the evening were actually counterproductive. Fancy that.

Tuesday, September 12, 2017

Day 480

A good day. Dreaded having a contractor over to see about some home repairs - why I dreaded it I don't know but I did - and of course it went just as easily as the logical part of my brain knew it would. I don't know why I tend to always tend to dread/fear new interactions since I have a -huge- long list of things that turned out Just Fine but I still do it. Go figure.

So glad work calmed down. I never realize quite how stressed I get till after the pressure lifts.

Finished a really good book too; that was nice. You get so much -time- back in sobriety.

Monday, September 11, 2017

Day 479

The meeting went -way- better than I had feared. My treat was a new e-book which had been recommended by a friend and it is turning out to be quite enjoyable.

Took a walk today just to be outside in the unexpectedly warm pretty day - that was nice.

Not this Thursday but next will be -sixteen- months. That feels good. So does bed.

Sunday, September 10, 2017

Day 478

The days keep piling up one by one and I keep blogging to make sure they do. Every once in a while I get a passing "oh just one might be okay" popping out of nowhere and I have to remind myself that it never IS just one though because one always wants friends. Or else -enforcing- just one becomes -the- centerpiece of life and who needs that? Fortunately I had the occasion over this weekend to interact with some drunk people and it was a very good reminder why I like myself better sober.

Also sober Sunday mornings are -always- pleasant reinforcement - I slept in till 8 and still got the grocery shopping done in a timely fashion.

Tomorrow is a meeting I have been dreading for a week or more: I will be glad when it is over. I need to think up a treat for myself tomorrow evening. Don't know what...maybe inspiration will strike.

Saturday, September 9, 2017

Day 477

Got a lot done today. Paced myself so it didn't become overwhelming.

Baked a Mrs Smith's pie for breakfast - when one is sober one remembers to buy both pie and ice cream on Friday evening and gets up early enough with enough capacity for the baking and isn't too sick to enjoy still-warm pie a la mode for Saturday breakfast.

One's family likes that too.

Friday, September 8, 2017

Day 476

Long day.

Started when one of the affiliates called me at six am with an important question - I wasn't on call or backup call or anything but I took the call anyhow since it was better to solve the issue in the moment.

Decided to just be up for the day at that point and I wasn't even upset. Being calm about something like that is definitely a sobriety thing: in earlier times I would have been angry all day.

The problem did, however, get bigger as the morning developed. Life is like that.

Got pizza for dinner though and spent time in my online game but it's early to bed because I'm tired. The fact that it is Friday is secondary to what my body is telling me and -that- is a gift of sobriety too.

Thursday, September 7, 2017

Wednesday, September 6, 2017

Day 474

A really good day. Haven't had one of those in a while.

Sure didn't think it would be that way this morning: woke up an hour early with a bad sort-of-sinus-y headache. Given that I'm a non-drinker that combination was particularly annoying! Aleve to the rescue.

Good because the meeting I didn't want to host got canceled, the case about which I was worried arrived,I got a monitor for Youngest and - best of all - I put a deposit on the new knitting cruise with my favorite knitting guru. It's a year from now (Sept 2-9, 2018) but I'm already excited.

Plus did a very easy dinner and my laundry and some good gaming time.

All while being fully alert and enjoying myself. Sober rules.

Tuesday, September 5, 2017

Day 473

Work finally calmed down.

Enough so that I could walk to the drugstore midday - first walk in a really long time and it was nice.

No new drama at either office or home.

Hoping this is a trend :)

Monday, September 4, 2017

Day 472

Driving day.

Kept everything very low key and got all the essential stuff done. Youngest goes back to school tomorrow. Theoretically work should ease up also - you notice I say"theoretically." :)

Early to bed though - to not have done much except drive today I'm exhausted.

Sunday, September 3, 2017

Day 471

Quiet day; good day. 

One of the nice things about sober vacation is that you get -all- the vacation time: nothing is lost to the fuzzy edges or the dizzy mornings. It might not be mindfulness but it's definitely being -present- and it rocks. 

Saturday, September 2, 2017

Day 470

The days keep piling up and it's a nice feeling.

Had a good shopping trip with Eldest today. We both really enjoyed ourselves.

Also had some waves of major moodiness. Not sure what that's about but it started this past Thursday. I'm just riding them out.

Friday, September 1, 2017

Day 469

Well actually I could call it very early 470 since it's freaking two in the freaking morning. Last time I stayed up this late was...last time I came down to this house, come to think of it. But it's all good.

Another nice thing about sobriety - when you DO stay up super late you _remember_ everything about it.

But now I really do have to work on unwinding and actually sleeping...can't let my schedule get -too- messed up.

Thursday, August 31, 2017

Day 468

All's well that ends well.

Terribly moody in the morning - downright weepy - but it got better as the day progressed and the meeting I had been really dreading went far better than expected. Stunningly better.

Been sleeping like a rock - no waking up for a bathroom break and no remembering dreams either - maybe it's the noticeably later dawn. Or not.

In any case tomorrow I'm leaving work as soon as feasible to have a three day weekend at the other house and I'm looking forward to it as a nice little break. Good food and no responsibilities sounds like just what I need.

Wednesday, August 30, 2017

Day 467

Hard day but ended well.

Bunch of unpleasant unexpected administrative stuff at work. With unpleasant meetings soon to follow. Plus a headache plus site visits. Ugh.

So I got a mini chocolate cake at the grocery to go with the carry out pizza and turfed all Actual Work Around the House to another night.

Tonight in my computer gaming world I was the helper instead of the helped - it all works out in the wash. Had fun and got to end the evening in a much better mood.

Booze wouldn't have helped any of the above; it would have made me more emotional and more likely to wallow in the badness of the day. Plus wrecked my sleep and made me feel lousy in the morning. This is a better way.

Tuesday, August 29, 2017

Day 466

Long day but I planned little ways to take care of myself throughout the day. Plus Youngest made dinner so that helped.

Speaking of help...I accepted some in my online gaming world tonight and I'm still a little stunned I did it. Usually I'm really awful at that. The help was actually offered which is probably why I could accept...I still suck at asking for help. Still, taking help instead of coming up with some version of "no thanks" is still a big deal for me. Which is silly since people -like- to help.

But hey better late than never.

Monday, August 28, 2017

Day 465

In continuing yesterday's theme of noticing and appreciating the changes long-term sobriety brings I have another example.  I think I mentioned one of my sources of ongoing work stress: the possibility that my boss, with whom I like working, might be leaving.  This morning first thing I went to the main cafeteria to get some tea and I happened to run into my boss. I was going out; he was coming in.

"Hey SamKD, how ya doin?'"

"I'm are YOU doing?"

"I'm doing fine. Just great."

"That's good to know.  I heard a rumor that I hope _isn't_ true."

"Oh well who knows what's going on these days [looked away when he said it so my suspicions are up but looked back at me to say] but I'm doing fine."

"Good. I'm glad. I -like- having you as my boss."

[as he's walking on]  "Well thank you! That's good to hear!"

So why is this a sobriety thing? Because any Monday morning two years ago that would never have happened. First, I would have gone to the smaller cafeteria in my own building to get maximum fluid with minimum movement and second, if I had run into my boss I would have just smiled and said "Hi" while worrying if he could -tell- I was kinda hung over. I always said I wouldn't drink on Sunday but did anyway and I always said I would drink -less- on Sunday and sometimes I even did but often I ended up drinking the same amount as any weeknight. Occasionally even more if it had been a "bad" day to justify starting earlier and/or I knew I had an "easy" Monday.

The lack of shame is not to be underestimated. It's small but quietly life-changing.

==much later==

Glad I wrote early in the day when I was still fresh as the day got more unpleasant as it progressed. Long useless meeting in the middle of the day and one that doesn't even start till 5:30 tomorrow evening but at least that one is phone-in.

Time to unwind in bed with a book. 

Sunday, August 27, 2017

Day 464

Up and down day.

Dog woke me up early and I was cranky at first but then realized I could get the grocery run done early. Good choice because I was able to reflect on how nice a sober Sunday morning really is - clear head, rested, stomach just fine...and grocery store almost entirely to myself. I needed something like that because lately I haven't wanted to drink but I -have- been sort of "it doesn't seem all that much different" about my sobriety. Which is, of course, totally untrue...EVERY thing is different. I mean it's good to have sobriety be the "new normal" to the point where it's ordinary rather than a Big Deal like it was in the first few months but it's just a function of my crankiness/fatigue/whatever to say it's no different.

Getting the groceries home and stowed before nine without even -thoughts- about headaches, thirst, dizziness or nausea - and having it seem normal - was a nice reminder of how far I've come.

The rest of the day -seemed- like "oh I played Warcraft all day; it was double experience weekend" but looking back I also did three loads of laundry, cleaned the most prominent kitchen surfaces and planned out the week's menus. That's not exactly goofing off.

Doing the early-to-bed-with-book thing again though - I need to keep things very mellow as it was only yesterday that I was all resentful. Less is better.

Saturday, August 26, 2017

Day 463

The days keep piling up, which is nice. On the other hand this was a really out-of-sorts one. I'm awfully resentful that the easing-off of work stuff isn't happening next week after all because of my colleague's bereavement leave...which made it that much easier to get resentful over the whole household/shopping/stuff routine too.

But it does no good to -keep- dragging around a bag full of resentment pebbles so I did the bare minimum of stuff, spent a lot of time in my computer gaming world, got pizza for dinner and have settled into bed early. Closing down the mountain is always a good way to go when emotions run high. Bed with dog, phone and a book is more healing and soothing than just about anywhere else...and it only took me five decades to figure that out!

Friday, August 25, 2017

Day 462

In just one day it got complicated again. Death in a colleague's family means I'm back on service just when I thought I was done and there was an expensive plumbing adventure at the other house. Plus exhausted for a chunk of the day for no good reason.

Didn't want to treat any of it with booze though which is a huge positive.

Maybe tomorrow will be amazingly better.

Thursday, August 24, 2017

Day 461

Much better day.

The long slog of extra work is finally winding down, Middle is acting much better and I had a really good online gaming experience tonight. Plus dinner (stuffed shells - pre-made frozen kind) was both easy and good. Both kids complimented it.

Oh and there was no mysterious water dripping anywhere in the house - that alone makes it a better day than yesterday!

Tomorrow is Friday and I'm really looking forward to having carry out and a nice night of gaming and doing all of it -sober- so I can enjoy it all. Early in this journey Fridays were -so- hard and now they aren't and that's a very cool thing.

Wednesday, August 23, 2017

Day 460

Wow 460 is a pretty big number. Cool.

I keep meaning to do something nice for myself in celebration of 15 months but keep putting it off. At the rate I'm going it will be 16 months before I treat myself! Probably not as treats are important but still.

Tonight I discovered that the (empty rinsed cat litter) plastic jugs in which I keep water for power outages (we lose power we lose the well pump) had leaked from the laundry room into the basement. That's very few words to encompass a good hour of fact finding and worry because it started with discovering water dripping from the acoustical-tile ceiling of the basement far too close to vintage computers so those had to be moved before anything else happened then the tiles had to be moved and the whole time I was thinking "plumber-money-plumber-money." Only after I got a light and a step stool could I figure out that it wasn't an actual pipe at all...and from there I backtracked to the laundry room. Much shuffling in a tiny space to get the hugs out and I still haven't cleaned up the mess on either level the way I'd like but I do have a fan on the basement ceiling and an immense amount of gratitude that it -wasnt- some big plumbing issue.

Still wondering how hugs of water that had been fine for months and months suddenly started leaking but have made a very conscious decision not to pursue that line of questioning any further as I have absolutely no evidence to support any hypothesis. It can be gremlins or evil spirits or space aliens - the problem was found and fixed and that's what matters.

Boy I'm glad to have the coolheadedness that those 15 months have given me though - I just Dealt Woth Things. No big emotions, just getting the job done.

Sure hope tomorrow is better though.

Tuesday, August 22, 2017

Day 459

Long day.

Had totally crazy really vivid dreams all night and was way anxious about work stuff most of the day.

Managed to take care of myself and have super easy evening...except I'm pretty sure Middle is gaslighting me. I came home and assumed he was in his room. Called family to dinner; no Middle. Youngest said she thought he was out with friends. I did "Find My IPhone" which said he was still in the house so I knocked a couple times then opened door and stuck my head in. No Middle child.

So now I'm both angry and worried. My working theory was that he took off without his cellphone OR leaving a note. Had no idea where he was or when he'd be back. Little while ago I walked dog in preparation for bed and thought I'd knock and check his room again with plan to sleep on couch till he came home. This time he was in bed (upside down) and claimed 1) to be super tired and 2) to have been asleep in his bed the whole time since before I looked the first time. Oh and 3) that his cellphone was with him all day and although he'd gone to Taco Bell for lunch he had been back and asleep long before I came home.

Even though I flat out told him about not seeing him he stuck to his story  and insisted he had been home all day. Joy.

Otherwise, though, it was a pretty good day.

Monday, August 21, 2017

Day 458

Fifteen months.

It's a cool milestone but I didn't really acknowledge it at all today - car stress and work stress took precedence. The car is all set and ready for winter: inspection, oil change, headlight bulb fixed...and outrageously expensive tires because that's just how all-wheel drive cars are. But it's done and that's a relief.

Work still too busy. Made a pretty big misjudgment last week but am hugely grateful it was caught - my pride will heal.

Hoping things will settle down. Life needs to slow down a bit.

Oh and the bug-sting is starting to really itch now that it's hit the 36 hour mark. matter what else is going on I can feel good about getting off the booze roller coaster. That's an accomplishment.

Sunday, August 20, 2017

Day 457

Productive day.

Did my yard work early - got stung on the neck though. No good deed goes unpunished. Didn't see the offending insect but it must have been something in the hornet/yellow jacket category as there was no stinger. Hurt like crazy for the first couple hours but then went away. May have an itchy lump tomorrow but it's better than I expected.

Middle came home which was good - family drama due to traveling in-laws can start fading away.

Hope I have less-crazy dreams tonight -- the past few days have been full of bizarre stuff, often work-related.

Saturday, August 19, 2017

Day 456

Good things happened today. The oatmeal, however, wasn't one of them: too salty.

A guy came to clean the gutters and a different guy came to dismember and remove the apple tree which came down in a storm earlier this month. Spurred on by their example I took down the bee balm (Monarda) which had finally lost all its blooms. Tomorrow I'll trim the hedges and the peonies which will make the outside fall-ready earlier than it's been for many a year.

Also tomorrow Middle will come home with his grandmother and great-aunt this bringing the big drama-inducing other-house visit to a close.

Had a really ugly frustrated/angry/sad bit of time in the late afternoon/early evening but I rode it out. It eventually passed. Even now, at 15 months on Monday, it is still not easy to just feel the damned feelings. There's usually at least some part of my brain in a mild panic going "okay, not booze but what -else- might make this go away?!!?"  That part has to be told calmly and without malice "Time. Time will make this pass. And it will be okay."

The whole "just sit with your feelings" thing is valuable but harder than it looks.

Tomorrow's breakfast, on the other hand, will be easy: a pan of pre-made frozen cinnamon rolls. The kind you thaw overnight in the fridge then let rise in the morning till someone else in the house starts stirring. That's one less thing.

Friday, August 18, 2017

Day 455

Long day. Made it as easy on myself as I could. Still tired. But that's okay.

Managed another day of not stress-eating too.

Might fall asleep right here on the couch.

Thursday, August 17, 2017

Day 454

Another not-great day.

Work very busy because one person already had scheduled vacation when another got invitation from his university-dean sister to bring high-schooler child out for combined eclipse and college viewing...and I'm not the kind of person who would say no to that nor do I want to be. So I was feeling pretty overwhelmed all day and have another just like it tomorrow.

Family drama still running very high at the other house: the visit of Scylla and Charybdis is not going smoothly. Yes that's a tactful understatement. I'm sympathetic of course and do care what's happening and do wish I could make it less unpleasant. However at the same time the needy side of me is thinking "hey when does anyone ever give a damn about me and -my- problems, huh?" So far I've been doing a pretty good job of keeping my Bag of Resentment empty but it hasn't been entirely easy since one of my recurrent whine-themes is "everyone else's crises always trump my crises wah wah.

My big achievement the past couple days has been -not- stress-eating all the sugars and starches. Phone conversations with intoxicated family members have kept me from even remotely wanting booze but I've had to fight similar urges to stand in front of the open pantry eating butterscotch chips from the bag. Have to keep telling myself "it won't really fact it wil just make you feel guilty and lousy later." Sound familiar?

Fortunately I'm much better at other ways to self soothe than I was a year ago. Pajamas first thing, super easy dinners, plenty of all helps. So does sleep which I'm about to have now.

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Day 453

A bed-by-9-pm day.

Achy like crazy and so very tired. Did everything I had to do today including surfing a small wave of work-related stress and a much larger wave of family-related stress.

Dinner didn't turn out as well as I had hoped and I was too tired to enjoy computer gaming much but I'm enjoying this horizontal with covers thing very much.

It took quite a while but I'm starting to learn that I don't have to push myself. It isn't indulgent or lazy or not motivated to freaking -stop- after doing the bare minimum on any given night. Nobody is keeping score and there won't be prizes.

Tuesday, August 15, 2017

Day 452


The cat is totally fine and I'm very grateful for that.  The humans, on the other hand...well I'm grateful to have my family but at times it's all a bit much. Lots of drama over the telephone which was frustrating but then ABL decided to have a big ol' tantrum. Fun times.

Plus I'm pretty sure I'll be getting a new boss and that is a source of much tension as 1) I like the working relationship I have with my current boss and 2) the list of potential interim replacements is pretty vile.

So I have stress on the work front and even more stress on the home front. I suppose it isn't even surprising that my psoriasis is acting up. On the other hand I absolutely see how much better everything is with me -not- drinking...I was lying here thinking what it would be like if I were still a drinker and "oh gosh SO much worse" is such a big cloud of thought it's hard to pick out particular details...though I'm sure lots more arguing and lots more emotion would factor in.

Worse sleep too...not to mention that horrible emotionally drained "I want to crawl under a rock forever" feeling to go with the hangover. Don't miss any of that, not at all.

But speaking of's that time.

Monday, August 14, 2017

Day 451


The cat is better - praise be. Eldest stressed enough over impending relatives visit and classes starting next week; didn't need worry about poor sick puddy-tat. I made a vet appointment for Wednesday noonish but unless he takes a dramatic turn for the worse I will be canceling it which the vet tech seemed to expect. I guess long haired cats are sort of prone. Got some "hairball remedy treats for cats" at the grocery store too - dunno if they do a bit of good but what the heck they can't hurt and it is something tangible.

Family drama seems to have died down which also helps...and we got Middle's car today which made him very happy. At the time I was hangry enough to only be so-so about the whole process but once I ate I was happy for him.

Carry out dinner helped a lot and since Middle is leaving in the morning and won't be back till Sunday this week the lacto-ovos got to plan the menu and ignore the carnivores for a change (ABL isn't fussy about food.) Lasagna tomorrow, cheese enchiladas the day after that, leftovers from the above on Thursday. I suppose I oughta throw something green out there each night too.

Still too moody for my own liking but it's better than yesterday for sure-sure. And a week from today will be -fifteen- months. That feels good.

Sunday, August 13, 2017

Day 450

Great number - four hundred and fifty! - but not a great day.

Woke up -completely- out of sorts and cranky for no reason I could fathom. Tried to be kind to myself and totally skipped the grocery shopping in part so Middle could have the car...but stayed cranky.

Some of it is, I'm sure, the fact that one of Eldest's cats is clogged enough he will most likely have to see the vet, some of it is unjustified irrational fear of being told "no" by the car dealership and a lot if it is the fact that Middle is taking MiL and her sister to the other house on Tuesday for a visit and that is creating Much - Very Much - Drama.

I'm so tired of drama. None too thrilled about the cat, either. But sometimes that's how things go. Sigh.

Saturday, August 12, 2017

Day 449

Good day.

Slept in till nearly 8 then finally cleaned the front porch - only took about 15 min total but was several years (yes years) in building up to "just do it already." I think I secretly thought Someone Else could/should/would do it. Or something. But in any case now the whole front way into the house - porch & hall/stairs - is clean and perked up. Thinking of paying myself the $10 I would usually give a kid to clean hallway & bathroom tomorrow.

Big news though is that we set up to buy Middle's car. He totally fell in love with one that had been the loaner vehicle for when people dropped off their cars for multi-day service so it already had about 2k miles which meant not really new which meant better price. Glad it worked out the way it did. We pick it up Monday after work and although he is trying to downplay it I can tell he is-super- excited and I am just so happy to see -something- giving him such positive emotion for a change.

Big storm knocked out cable and internet a big chunk of the night - I tried to be stoic.

Stayed up too late & got too sleepy but that's okay. My sleep will be restful, not fitful.

Friday, August 11, 2017

Day 448

Cranky day. Not motivated at all.

Even so, it's good to still have my wits about me at nearly eleven on a Friday night. That never used to happen.

Thursday, August 10, 2017

Day 447

Today I did something really amazing: skipped out of two boring conference hours. I'm still sort of stunned. Totally pleased with myself but stunned that Dutiful Girl shut up for once.

I'm pretty sure I mentioned the tedious all day conference. Well the morning session was little talks by the various Important People and these talks made it clear that all the -real- decision making was 1) dependent on the findings of a consultant engagement which wouldn't be out till November & 2) going to be made by the Important People. So the afternoon "breakout workgroups" were pretty much  going through the motions for the sake of tradition rather than anything meaningful. I sat through the first of three hours and realized that not only was it stupid work but also there were some really unpleasant dynamics in the I bailed at the first break.

I felt very much like that line from Breakfast Club: being bad feels pretty good, huh?

So that was the big event for the day. I suppose lunch played a part too: for the first time in the 10 years I've been going to this conference lunch was "bring it back to your spot at the big u-shaped table" for more presentations and it was also surprisingly minimal. Usually there is a big buffet or we join the regular dining room buffet at the hotel (it's always in the same local venue) but this year we got pre-made sandwiches, no sides, one bowl of fruit. two bowls of trail mix and two big plates of cookies. The beverage choices were water or iced tea, period. I was happy it was -good- iced tea for a change but clearly we were taking cost containment to a new level.

The inexpensive fare was on nice plates and the meat eaters got a choice of ham-stuffed croissants or white-meat chicken salad on wheat or overstuffed roast beef on Kaiser rolls. I was happy there -was- a vegetarian choice but it was difficult to eat: roasted eggplant and yellow squash on slightly stale ciabatta with the barest scraping of a too-garlicky hummus. The sandwich was so tall I had to take it apart and eat the veggies with knife and fork. But hey, at least the eggplant was good. So was the trail mix.

I am amazed that I decided not to get increasingly tired and resentful for another three hours of conference. This is the first time I put personal interests over duty in a work setting since...well, ever.

A side benefit - in addition to the three hours of at-home time - was avoiding any and all pressure to stay for the "networking cocktails and heavy hors doevres" except they spelled that French word for "party snacks" correctly. Totally sidestepped the whole "now we -deserve- to drink" rah-rah which was a nice thing too.

Wednesday, August 9, 2017

Day 446

A good day.

Started off lousy: dog had barged on the bed in the night. Sheets were overdue for a change anyhow though so I tried to be philosophical about it.

Work easy although the meeting at 5 was every bit as dreary as I had feared. Came home to far less chaos than any other night over the past few weeks and that was a relief.

Sleep will be an even better relief.

Tuesday, August 8, 2017

Day 445

Long but good day.

Work relatively quiet. Spouse & Eldest returned to the other house; I took family here out to dinner. Stuffed and way too awake for this late on a weeknight but I don't have to be in too early tomorrow so it's all good.

Just percolating along, doing the sober thing.

Monday, August 7, 2017

Day 444

Hard day.

Youngest didn't pass the driving test. We both took it badly in part because it seemed very arbitrary: examiner running way late, the reasons given were kinda vague and also stunningly similar to the ones given to the driver ahead of us (also failed) but two aborted tests meant he went from being a full half-hour behind to only 8 minutes behind schedule.

Then there was the whole retest scheduling fiasco. One exam site per county in our area meant that the next available exam was next week but in the city with the nearest airport and would mean driving completely across that city to get to an exam site in a part of town down by the river with many auto body shops. This would require leaving the house every bit of 2.5 hours early to allow for rush hour traffic and me driving places I'd never been before. Plus she scheduled that exam without so much as asking me first. I agreed and started altering my work schedule for that week but asked her to at least -check- the available test times at a place only one hour away and in so doing she lost the next-week spot and ALL sites only had dates in late September who knows why?

Anyhow she was very mad at me but she now has a test at our local ten-minutes-from-home site...on Sept 25.  Sigh.

Plus dogs acting up plus ABL acting up plus Middle sullen and Eldest anxious...all with a heaping helping of menopause hormones. Oh and MiL was in the mix too.

Fun day.

But I survived as did everyone else and now I'm in bed and so is the dog. Tomorrow I can catch up at work and it's restaurant night so that's all good.

Sober is all good too.

Sunday, August 6, 2017

Day 443

I swear I might eventually suck less at it but I will never get used to this whole family dynamics thing. I grew up as the latchkey only child -of- an only child mother and a father who was estranged from his family so before their divorce it was just the three of us and after the divorce it was me, my crazy mother and her wacky parents. Period. Even for holidays.

Having so many people in the house is hard enough; how dare they have issues and agendas at odds with one another?!? I jest...mostly. I get that this is just how things are and can even intellectually realize that it's probably okay but I absolutely don't get it on any kind of emotional level. I have No. Freaking. Clue about anything sibling-related and not many clues about being long-term married as my parents were married in '63 and divorced in '75.

So it was a physically easy but emotionally hard day. Didn't get the laundry done that I wanted and to top it off I realized at 5pm that the drive-thru worker at 10am had never returned my credit card and when I went back the card was not in restaurant safe or any of the other places the (different of course) employee looked. So I had to call it in.

Maybe the week will be better. I sure hope so. Despite the driving test of Youngest tomorrow and an all day conference on Thursday.

Oh but I learned of a new game to play with the word-suggestion feature of smartphones. Type "my head is" then pick the center word till a complete sentence is done.  Like this: my head is so too cold for the first day of work. "My butt" also works: my butt is the best of the younger grandmothers.

But now sleep. It's an hour past the time I usually start going to sleep and I feel pretty wired still. Sigh.

Saturday, August 5, 2017

Day 442

An okay day.

Actually expressed some follow up emotions about yesterday evening and although it could have gone better it definitely could have gone far worse so that's all good

Got some good computer gaming time in too which made up for not getting much at all last night.

Best of all I'm showered and soon to be in bed. Good sleep makes every night better.

Friday, August 4, 2017

Day 441

Tonight I was far nicer on the outside than I felt on the inside. Glad to be - finally - in bed and hoping that since I -can- sleep late I -will- sleep late.

So grateful to be sober: it helps make difficult situations easier. That is completely 100 percent opposite what I would have thought and said three years ago but it's true. Not only am I not having my emotions chemically fanned in the moment but also a generally more even emotional landscape makes it easier to deal with whatever lands. Also not having to worry about "is that what really happened? Am I remembering correctly?" is huge.

Even if I don't sleep in a bit I will wake up feeling no worse than I do right now and probably better. Plus I will remember having gone to bed. These are all quietly powerful and good things.

Thursday, August 3, 2017

Day 440

Uneventful day. Apart from the 440-day mark that is but you blogfriends and I are the only ones who know about that...didn't mention it to the family. Didn't do anything special in honor of it either but that doesn't make it any less real.

Go Team Sober. It's a great way to be.

Wednesday, August 2, 2017

Day 439

Early bedtime for me.

Family all under one roof for the first time in Just Ages and although I'm totally glad it is happening as a concept the Actual Interactions were just getting too stressful.

I should stop right here and be proud of myself  for doing what I needed. I wasn't pissy or martyred or anything like that; just quietly excused myself rather than sitting there for the sake of being part of the group. Especially because everyone else was drinking. Usually that doesn't bother me a bit but tonight there was too much "aw do you -have- to do that" in my head and I don't want to be judgemental any more than anyone wants to be judged. They can have their fun their way but tonight it's better for me not to play along.

So I'm in bed marveling at how tomorrow will be 440 days. Pretty impressive. The emotional growth is slow like a tree but very worth it.

Tuesday, August 1, 2017

Day 438

Things have slowed down at work finally and that's a help.

Home still up and down but also not as stressful which is an even bigger help.

Feeling better physically too...still not sure what the hell was wrong yesterday but I'm glad it's over, whatever it was.

So grateful I managed to kick alcohol out of my life: the relationship had gone really bad and I'm so much better off without it.

Monday, July 31, 2017

Day 437

Very emotional day.

Woke up okay but by 9am had a headache and a sick stomach surprisingly reminiscent of a hangover with the emotional rollercoaster that goes with it...very odd. Hadn't even had Motrin, ferpitysake. Assume it was either stress or sickness or both.

Another round of dryer repair.  Good news: no charge. Bad news: underlying issue is still having to move the vent which involves finding a reputable contractor which is damned near impossible. Sears -has- a service for this sort of thing but when I plugged in my zip code the robo-voice said they didn't offer that service in my area.  I cried.

Plus there were family issues; seems there always are.

But at least there was a good restaurant meal at the end of it all then I had some quality lie-on-the-couch do nothing time, followed by a small crying jag. Then I went about my evening tasks and had a hot flash. They don't take me AS much by surprise these days I guess.  I should probably make myself more allowances for this whole menopause thing; I seem to be just ignoring it and that's probably not the wisest thing. In fact that whole headache-sick-to-stomach thing felt just as much like morning sickness as a hangover, in retrospect...and went away for good after that nice evening meal which an actual illness probably wouldn't.

I'm orders of magnitude better than I used to be but there's still plenty of room to go on listening to and being nicer to my body.

For now it's bed with a good book; that's always a good step. And a moment to appreciate what a nice milestone nearly four hundred and forty days of continuous sobriety really is. It's become the new normal so much that apart from my nightly blog ritual I'm not sure I listen to that or give it enough credit either.

Sunday, July 30, 2017

Day 436

Much better day.

Didn't sleep in - up by 7 - but that meant I got the shopping done before it got crowded.

Less family drama, no work phone calls, found a good pasta salad at the store, tried a new biscuit recipe (heavy cream instead of cutting fat into the flour - tons easier) and made the oatmeal cookies I know the family likes.

Plus things went easier with Middle.

I hope this "easier" theme continues into the week.

Saturday, July 29, 2017

Day 435

Bah. Too much family drama.

Slept a lot: straight through from not-quite midnight till eight which is rare for me. Got drive-thru breakfast for everyone so I didn't even have to get dressed. Well, "everyone" in this case is me, ABL and Middle as Youngest is down in the other house with Spouse, Eldest and SiL. Middle went to work and I finished the edges of the upstairs hallway floor tiles which not only took longer than I thought but also made me more tired than I thought.  Such is being fifty and completely deconditioned, I guess...but that project included cleaning both that hallway and the front hallway so the house looks considerably better.

Then the freaking family drama started and my day went kerblooey.  I was on the periphery of a big chunk of it but then Middle and I had what started off as a blowup and ended up as a commiseration session and although I can see that ultimately it was beneficial it was also incredibly draining. It also highlighted other family issues many of which relate to this bifurcated two-households thing and overall I ended up really bummed.

Too bummed to play my computer game, too bummed to read any of the books I've got going, too bummed to knit...I loafed on the couch managing the occasional game of FreeCell on my phone.  I had pretty much All The Sad going for a while.  Then I had ice cream.  Two bowls, even though I'd already had dinner and although I do feel better - I'm managing to blog! - that's also setting off all the body image/calorie/self-worth/etc tapes in my head.

Oh and I almost forgot: work called three times during the day too - one of them was a physician colleague whom I find particularly annoying.

I'm thinking it's early bedtime is what I'm thinking.

But not before reminding myself that even though it was a hard week and this day had too much hard in it I'm still WAY better off by -not- responding to "hard" with a whole lot of vodka. I might wake up with hearburn from the ice cream but I won't wake up dripping sweat with a racing heart and if I do wake up I'll be able to get right back to sleep as opposed to guzzling water to dilute the bile and mitigate the headache.

Plus my house is cleaner and I'm more fully present in my own life.  Even if it's sucky, it's still better sucky sober than sucky drinking.

Friday, July 28, 2017

Day 434

The days keep adding up.  I like that.

I like having the week over, too. Was a particularly long one and I still have carry-over stuff on Monday but I was home with food and in my pajamas before six which is a great thing. The Big Tourist Event is happening this weekend so I'm happy staying home and hiding from the crowds.

Played my computer game (okay, it's Warcraft but not the current version; a previous version on a private server) all evening and that was nice.

There's still too much stress in the family but the most stressed part of it is at the other house so it's not directly spilling onto me...just indirectly.

And now I can curl up for good restful sleep and do plenty of it.  Have slept in anywhere from twenty to fifty minutes past my usual waking time every day this week so I'm looking forward to being able to sleep in as late as my body feels like it tonight.

Thursday, July 27, 2017

Day 433

Kinda hit a wall today. Emotionally and mentally exhausted plus physically tired too. Spent a surprising chunk of my work day goofing off - just couldn't force myself to do stuff. Could be in a better place with the family too.

But sober...and that makes everything less bad.

Wednesday, July 26, 2017

Day 432

Really lousy day at work. Little to no sympathy from the family as there were plenty of issues on that front too.

Had not one but two bowls of ice cream for dinner. Played computer game till bedtime. Maybe not the greatest coping strategy but it beats booze by easy miles.

Tuesday, July 25, 2017

Day 431

Not a great day.

My whole team got completely ambushed in a phone meeting today - thanks affiliate manager. Nothing like being told we were having a meeting about the strategy for rolling out a pre-agreed-upon X and then it turning out to be us rolling out X to a hostile audience with the implication that X was not fully decided. Quite unpleasant.

Got good and mad about the tourist thrombi everywhere but especially in the doorway/cart area of the supermarket. Not a good place to have a big ol' discussion.

Also starting to get really tired of it just being -assumed- that I will be the calm and emotionally stable person ready to support whichever family member is having crisis du jour. I mean yeah I -am- usually competent and calm but it would sure be nice to get as much attention paid to my state of mind as it is to the more volatile players. Yes that's resentment and no it isn't particularly healthy or happy. I tried to make this evening all about doing the bare minimum of obligations so as to not -keep- all those pebbles of resentment but I think I only partially succeeded. Time for bed with a good book.

Tomorrow will be a whole new day. Maybe something wonderful will happen.

Monday, July 24, 2017

Day 430

Long day.

Was just exhausted most of the day: slept a good 45 minutes past my usual time and then felt like I was dragging myself uphill through mud all morning...and had yet more driving: the "Big Loop" of two separate site visits. Was all set to have a leisurely lunch afterwards but then I got so mad at Navient (the student loan company) that o realized it would be an utter waste since all I wanted to do was get back to my office so I could sit at my desk for what I expected to be a lengthy phone call.

It was storming hard when I got to the town where I had planned to eat so a drive thru worked out well after all...and by the time I got back to my office Spouse had investigated and solved the problem without my having to call. So that was good.

Didn't manage to get much done anyhow though. Stayed exhausted till after dinner then I caught my second wind and now I'm all alert...bullying down trying to unwind anyhow. Pleased with how the day wound up even if the dryer -is- broken again. Got everything done and even when I was really angry I figured out how to deal with the anger. This is still a fairly big deal as anger was the emotion which sent me to booze faster than any other. Not any more.

Sunday, July 23, 2017

Day 429

I did it. Got all the way around.

Drove back from the other house this morning, cleaned ABL's room, did the shopping and even made banana bread. I am sober hear me roar. Tired though. Achy too - PM Motrin and bed for me.

Saturday, July 22, 2017

Day 428

Overall a good day.

Oh sure the drive was long but Eldest made some Really Good eggplant parmigiana plus there was still tiramisu-flavored gelato from the last time I was here.

Best of all, though, was listening to Eldest and Youngest (who will be here in Chaos South for college visits in the next two weeks) having fun together. That was really nice.

I sure hope I'm up for the drive back tomorrow. Thought seriously about taking another day and calling out sick on Monday but ABL is expecting me too for that matter. 

But now sleep.

Friday, July 21, 2017

Day 427

Fourteen months. Very cool.

Told Spouse first thing this morning and he was exceedingly impressed. Big hug, words of pride, emotional - that was nice.

Ended up not going for lunch but -did- finish my current novel at lunchtime so that was good.

Played more of my retro computer game tonight; that was good too.

Tomorrow and the next day I'll be taking Spouse and Youngest to the other house and coming back - haven't done back-to-back driving like that in several years. Very glad to have sobriety on my side for that: yet another thing made easier by the subtraction of alcohol.

Speaking of alcohol...I'm very much a believer in live and let live, to each their own, handle your high and everyone's journey is both their own and good. However I am getting -really-tired- of hanging around drunk people. Glad that cycle will be shifting.

Glad too, as always, for sober sleep. That's something for which I will always have gratitude. It's time to start settling down and have some now.

Thursday, July 20, 2017

Day 426

Good day.

Rediscovered an old computer game and spent several happy hours totally immersed.

Hey tomorrow is 14 months; how cool is that? Might take myself to lunch but also might not as there will be quite a bit of work at the office. Still cool though.

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

Day 425

Long day.

Work not bad though I'm now stuck with another all-day conference in August. Ugh.

Snacked as soon as I got home then did errands and floor tiles so I never did have a proper dinner and now I'm too tired to care. But it's okay: bed is good too.

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

Day 424

Long tiring day. Slept very badly the night before and had too much car time throughout the day.

Bed at 8:30. Hoping for a better tomorrow.

Monday, July 17, 2017

Day 423

Recovery day.

Didn't feel as bad as I thought I might, actually. Tired but not overly achy. Decided not to do anything further on the project today though which was good because the power went out for a couple of hours in the early evening anyhow.

Bed super early tonight though. Like I'm already in bed. Time to chill with trashy genre fiction on the Kindle app.

Sunday, July 16, 2017

Day 422

Productive day.

Made cinnamon rolls in the morning but they didn't turn out very well. Recipe warns against over-baking so I took them out too soon and the center one was pretty much still raw and had to be pitched  plus the icing wasn't great. But ya live ya learn.

The evening was when stuff really happened. I learned fifty is SO not forty which is so not thirty. Finally couldn't stand our staircase upstairs hallway one day has grubby stained up wall to wall carpeting with a puppy-chewed spot and the "puppy"is now two and a half. I discovered there was enough leftover vinyl stickum tile from re-doing the laundry room to do boom it was gonna be a go. Started demo tonight and I am BEAT. I did staircase and I was SO happy Youngest was interested because she was -good- help.  She ripped ou the hallway carpeting and I am glad of it because there was no way I could have done both on same night and trash day is tomorrow. Hallway still needs staples pulled and it all needs more vacuuming but getting nasty wall to wall carpeting out is a good start.

I just hope I can make it all look better. Staircase will have to be stained and then polyurethane-d and I haven't done any painting sorts of stuff for ages.

I also wish Spouse and Middle were a bit more enthusiastic but hey, the project can move forward anyhow.

Praise be for Motrin PM - took two and am in bed. Gotta work tomorrow but I will be stopping by the hardware store on my way home.

Saturday, July 15, 2017

Day 421

For a day basically hanging around the house it was sure full of emotions. Ups, downs, name it. But not treating -any- of them with alcohol means I'm all calm and ready to wind down for good sleep and that's a huge and powerful thing. 

Got quite a bit of knitting done today too. Almost done with the first pattern repeat of my new cabled cardigan. The back and sides are done as one big piece and it's an extra large at something like six stitches per inch so each row takes a while. 

Making cinnamon rolls for brunch tomorrow - would never have planned that for a Sunday morning a couple years ago. Oh and speaking of food the whole family loved the oatmeal scotchies. Big hit there. 

Looking forward to sleeping in. 

Friday, July 14, 2017

Day 420

A year and six weeks. That feels pretty good. Haven't really lost any physical weight but I've lost so much emotional weight it's a fine trade-off. I like who I am so much better now.

For example: I wanted oatmeal cookies pretty badly earlier in the week so I picked up a bag of Pepperidge Farm Sausalitos. Figured you can trust Pepperidge Farm, right? Wrong. They sucked. Lots. To me anyhow - other people must think they are swell or they wouldn't be selling for a little more than 40 cents per cookie. So fine...only option is to make some. Which I did tonight...but due to not putting the butter out to soften till after dinner I didn't even start the process till almost ten. That just would not have happened on a drinking Friday night. Or worse: would have happened badly. Now, though, I have a rack full of Scotchies and Spouse has already said "you make really good cookies." I like raisins better but I'm definitely the minority in this house and butterscotch chips are plenty tasty plus they have a cool factor because I remember when they came out.

Anyhow it was a good way to end the day and I plan on having several for breakfast.

Thursday, July 13, 2017

Day 419

It's the middle of the morning and I'm at work both of which are times and places I almost never post but I've finally actually -identified- this emotion which has been wearing me down all day and had to share a in a safe space.

Repressed fury.

The last - and identifying straw - was going to the cafeteria in my building and discovering that they were out of not just my preferred, second and third choices of caffeine-containing tea but ALL choices of caffeine-containing tea. On my way to the other on-campus cafeteria I finally realized that the feeling I was having over the tea was just more of the -same- feeling I've been having since yesterday.  There are numerous family- and work-related reasons and I'm not sure any of them can be resolved any time soon but at least I've figured it out...and not turned it into "Oh I'm depressed" or "I must be sad" or any other more "manageable" or "acceptable" emotion. Nope, I'm fucking _pissed_off_ is what I am. It's a start.

An important start too, because scanning back I realize I've had a whole half-century -lifetime- of being talked out of anger. My parents did it so often when I was a kid that the process became completely internalized...and then I went and married someone with parents who would take their anger at other people or situations out on their children, both emotionally and physically. I've actually heard MiL say "yeah...I would get mad at [her mother in law] and hit [Spouse and ABL.]" so even though he isn't actively trying to convince me I'm not feeling the feelings I have (that was my mother's game and boy was she good at it) it's not like he's comfortable with anger either.

So I'm probably not going to be DOING anything about it but one of my favorite lines from the series _Enterprise_ was when Dr. Phlox told Archer "just _be_aware_.  You'd be amazed what a difference it can make."

[Much later]:

Phlox was right. Just being aware does help. Mentally saying "of course you're mad and that's okay" is pretty powerful, actually. Somehow makes it all a little easier.

Now I'm in bed and tomorrow will be a whole new day. Maybe the cafeteria will have re-stocked. Maybe the drama will go away. Maybe something wonderful will happen.

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

Day 418

The family drama continues.

I've done a surprisingly good job of not stress-eating All The Carbs. No thoughts about having a drink, either, even though it's around.

Did a decent job of not letting the pebbles build up in my bag of resentment, too. Oh sure I was working on a big haul but then made the conscious effort to let it go.

Been having -crazy- vivid dreams though. Not quite nightmare but unpleasant all the same. Still...waking up out of a dream full of rats is better than waking up with a racing heart all covered in flop-sweat.

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

Day 417

Had to check that number three times - kept thinking "is it really that many?" Yes. Yes it is.

Whole train of thought about what to write tonight but it was in the car way earlier this evening and I've been with family since and now it's late. Perhaps another time.

Monday, July 10, 2017

Day 416

Long day.

Woke up and all I wanted to do was go right back to sleep which is -not- like me. Was irritable all day and had a scratchy throat and was just generally out of sorts. Could be stress, allergies, some bug...who knows? Spent a lot of after dinner time lying down which seems to be helping and am in bed for the night which should also help.

Zero words of wisdom today. Well except for the usual: sober really is worth it but it takes a while to get there.

Sunday, July 9, 2017

Day 415

And home. With Spouse.

Got way too hungry & thirsty on the drive because girl-beagle just Doesn't Do stops well but once that was fixed everything was fine.

Till we had major family drama. Worked through that and everything was fine.

Till I went to bed and the first thing boy-beagle did was leap up and pee on the bedding. And the washer isn't empty. Well hell...but the couch is comfy and far easier than re-making the bed when I'm already sleepy.

Tomorrow's another day.

Saturday, July 8, 2017

Day 414

Long damned day. Finally realized belatedly that "out of town weekend" does not necessarily equal "vacation" which kind of helped my mental outlook. Still hasn't been a very good weekend thus far and don't really expect tomorrow to be much better. Expect it to be worse, in fact.

But even lousy sober Sundays beat hung over Sundays  And no matter how lousy it is there will eventually come a bedtime and then a whole new day.

Was lying here in bed appreciating the size of four hundred and fourteen days. Fourteen months will be here before I know it...and the next Really Big milestone is 500 days...and that doesn't seem impossibly far away either.

Eldest was asking me in car this evening what it (long term sobriety) was like and this is what I said:

Well the first two weeks are -really- hard but then it eases up a little the next week and by then you're close to a month which gives you a boost. The second month goes better and then by the end of -two- months you feel a lot better.

She asked what the biggest changes I noticed were and I had to stop and think because "-everything-" was true but sounded too glib. First I said "my emotions got so much better -- instead of being like this [finger up and down fast in spiky zig zags] they're more like this [same finger making a much slower sine wave]." Then I said "and the -sleep- is so much better."

The thing I didn't say was "it took a while but my -spirit- started growing and still is."

Friday, July 7, 2017

Day 413

Long day. Worked till three then hit the road for other house.

Finally got here a bit past 8. Road repair put me a freaking hour behind schedule. My family of balloonheads did not even think of getting some food and having it waiting. Like the good local pizza I always want when I'm here. Fortunately they had leftovers. They remembered the booze, of course...which I don't do any more. Also my son in law has such bad BO today it stays in the room after he leaves...not sure whatinhell is up with that since it has never happened before.  Fortunately they are all cool with me having early bedtime so that's what I did. Bed with phone reading now; start over fresh in the morning.

Thursday, July 6, 2017

Day 412

Survived the day. Was a good boss. Did all the home stuff. Too tired to knit but am working my way through the archives of a new blog so that was okay.

Tomorrow I'm knocking off work early so I can drive down to the other house and fetch Spouse and Girl-beagle back on Sunday. With work on Monday of course. Probably wouldn't have contemplated a whirlwind trip like that back in the overdrinking days.

Wednesday, July 5, 2017

Day 411

Another not-great day.

Morning was fine and I did indeed take myself to lunch but when I got back there was a second round of family drama and a bunch of work hell.

Went home by way of the ice cream shop. Waffle cone for dinner never hurt anyone, right? Right.

I am heartily sick of many things right now but bed and sleep will help - they always do.

Tuesday, July 4, 2017

Day 410

That's a really good number and I'm happy it keeps creeping up day by day.

Happy I got a lot of knitting done too. If I stick at my two current projects I'll have a couple nice things but with fine yarn and small gauge it's gonna take five-ever. (That's an expression I swiped from Youngest.)

But for choosing not to do any sort of celebrating this day still had -way- too much family drama. Shower-go-to-bed-at-nine levels of family drama.

But hey, it makes work look good so that's something. Plus I won $10 on a one-dollar scratch-off lottery card* so that's something too.

I'm thinking it's about time to take myself for lunch again...maybe tomorrow.

*I know lotteries are considered by many to be a voluntary stupidity tax but I grew up ina state which didn't allow -any- form of gambling till I was almost done with college so I still find lottery-ticket _vending_machines_ a novelty. I never waste more than $2 at a time and always play the one with the highest odds of winning (50% if you count free plays.)

Monday, July 3, 2017

Day 409

Really down all day. Not sure why.

Did minimum necessary work and had cereal for dinner. Felt a bit better as the evening progressed. Maybe I'll be back to baseline tomorrow.

Sober depressed is still better than drinking depressed. "Down" sure but none of that deep self-loathing. That's something.

Sunday, July 2, 2017

Day 408

Quiet day.

Did the shopping and a lot of knitting. When I got the Big Cranky in the afternoon I had a little ice cream and a nap. Woke up all better; fancy that. Made lasagna for dinner and am happy to have the leftovers.

Sometimes boring is good.

Saturday, July 1, 2017

Day 407

Better day. Did everything I wanted to do: wash bedding, ABL haircut, stop by office and finish up work ... and finally have that damned ice cream cone. Sat in the one empty booth all by myself to eat it too, which may well have ticked off the two women behind me getting iced coffee who got stuck with the talk table but too bad.

MiL was annoying with her attempts to be manipulative today but I didn't let it get to me. Easier not to do that when not all emotionally akimbo from overdrinking the night before.

I was just sitting here reflecting on one of the many totally unexpected benefits of sobriety: clean sheets. In my drinking days I never had my act together enough to get the bed stripped and remade in a timely fashion and when falling into it all drunk I never cared anyway. Even with all the night sweats. Now though it seems just a logical bit of self-kindness. I'm not up to every week yet, which is what that book _Unfuck Your Habitat_ recommends but it's still "way more often." I can't remember the last time I changed the sheets twice in the same month. Undergrad, maybe.

In any case that nice fresh bed will be waiting for me in a bit and I just had a nice bath to go with it. If I had known hust how _much_ better life would be without booze maybe I would have started sooner.  Still...better now than never and it gives a -lot- of time back so that's all good.

Friday, June 30, 2017

Day 406

A lousy day in the neighborhood.

Lotta work, lotta work politics and my plans to get an ice cream cone for dinner on the way home were thwarted because Youngest needed rescued from a lousy graduation party in the middle of nowhere in the middle of a thunderstorm.

Then the cable & internet went out.

But it's over and I can sleep in as late as I feel like.

Thursday, June 29, 2017

Day 405

The retreat was long and parts were hugely boring and some of it was depressing and I hated damned near all of it. But it's over for another year.

I didn't get ice cream for dinner after all because I just wanted to be -home- but I probably should have because...

...for the first time in Just Ages the thought of a drink popped into my head. Only briefly and in adding but it was there in response to just not being comfortable in my own skin - that frustrated irritable not quite sad not quite angry but definitely not happy state. I was sitting on the couch wishing I felt just about any other way than what I was feeling when - boom - there it was. The thought about one of those beers I passed by in the way out of the retreat and I didn't  even -like- beer when I drank. But just as quickly as it came it left again so that was that.

Now I'm in bed which is a nice safe place to be. Tomorrow starts my Very Busy Month at work.

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Day 404

An okay day.

Took a walk for the first time in ages; that was nice.
Learned that a director I like was abruptly let go; that wasn't nice.

I have an all day "leadership retreat" tomorrow which I am really dreading and do -not- want to do but duty calls. Trying to decide what my treat for afterwards will be. Maybe ice cream for dinner. Maybe not.

I really appreciate the inner calm which has come with sobriety. I still get upset but there aren't as many bizarrely euphoric "ups" or crashingly low "downs." Weebles wobble but they don't fall down.

Tuesday, June 27, 2017

Day 403

Wow it really is four hundred and three days; that feels good.

So does -finally- having a scarf pattern for my pretty yarn -- there's been much ripping out and starting over in the past three days.

Did indeed take myself to lunch and it was wickedly efficient -- they have "speedy lunch service" totally covered. I got pad Thai because the last and only time I had it was in 1990 in west Philadelphia...and I hadn't liked it. I figured I might as well try again. Still not -that- crazy about it but it's moved from "blech" to "okay."

Otherwise things were uneventful which is fine.

Monday, June 26, 2017

Day 402

And now I'm home.

It was really hard to leave. The trip had more than the usual amount of bad/thoughtless/downright crazy drivers, too. But I managed.

Also managed to get the menus planned and groceries purchased and a dinner prepared that could stretch to feed the two friends visiting Middle...though I don't think they ate after all.

•I• had an ice cream cone for dinner - first one in over a decade I'm sure. At some point during my childhood I specifically switched from cones to "in a dish please" and kept announcing "I don't like ice cream cones" so long I believed it myself...but the real reason I switched was because family members criticized -how- I ate cones. I can't recall what it was they thought was so wrong but I do recall thinking "okay won't be a problem any more."

After taking her SAT Youngest specifically asked to stop for ice cream and she made her waffle cone look like a nice enough experience that I filed it away under "something to try later."  Today was the later and I enjoyed it very much.

Gonna take myself to lunch tomorrow too I think. Gotta do the "big loop" of site visits to affiliates and I have to go though the nearest city of size on the way back and it's not Wednesday (the day they stay closed) so I think I'll hit the Thai place.

In the old days I would have hurried through the chores so I could start drinking and by now I would be drunk but wide awake would also have had a very lousy night's sleep when I eventually got there. Sober is just -so- much easier

Sunday, June 25, 2017

Day 401

Last night of vacation. Ir wasn't the greatest. The family which stayed up there acted like jerks and the family down here did too. Hell, for all I know _I_was a jerk too. Don't -think- so but you never know.

In any case I did it all sober and that makes it definitely better. Even when-no, make that especially when there is drinking all around. Makes it all easier to handle.

But now I'm -awfully tired.

Saturday, June 24, 2017

Day 400

Four hundred days is a really nice number.

Otherwise it was an uneventful day. I'm still pretty moody for no particular reason but I can live with it.

Friday, June 23, 2017

Day 399

First full vacation day. Slept till 8:40 which was surprising. Good but surprising.

The rest of the day kinda sucked for various reasons. Once I actually admitted to myself "hey this sucks and I don't care if it IS a vacation day I'm just not having any fun" things improved. Not because anything was different but because accepting it instead of fighting it helped.

A nice long shower and some ice cream helped too.

Thursday, June 22, 2017

Day 398

I must be on vacation; I ate too much and stayed up too late.

Lotta "not my problem" stuff today. Glad it's bedtime.  Super duper supremely glad I don't drink any more.

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Day 397

Thirteen months today. Hooray!

Start of a five-day weekend. More hooray!

Nothing profound; just way happier sober than I was drinking. Oh and the new blueberry flavored Oreos are really tasty...though the filling is definitely not a color of anything traditionally edible.

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Day 396

Remember how I was excited to finally get the second car key? Yeah, well...four hours. Yup, four. Nope, didn't plan it. Had called last week. Part was waiting. It "needs programming so it will just be a little while; please have a seat." Okay, fine...I had expected maybe 15-20 minutes.

Staff member then came to me saying how it was a lot more time consuming to program one of these keys than they thought and how he might not have time before lunch and was there any way we could drop it off later and again with the "time consuming."

I shared that I had come from 45 minutes away so drop-off was not an option (I don't know how they thought they could drop off the KEY when they also need the CAR but whatevsies) and that I could wait as long as they needed. He said words to the effect of "well it might be a couple of hours."

So I got tea and snacks (cheese and Combos; such a high-quality lunch but at least protein) from the gas station next door. On my way back I saw my car in the wide open garage with its door open and beeping. The two staff members previously involved had heads together over computer in office area.

I read (Kindle app for iPhone yeah!) and played solitaire -- I only this past Sunday discovered FreeCell and yes I know it has come free with the Windows operating system for a couple -decades- now...I tried it once, didn't like it and never went back. Now I'm into it. Go figure.

At somewhere past the two-hour mark I was told "he's trying to get it to program for the third time now. Sorry about the wait. Sometimes these things are just a pain in the neck." It eventually got done and I now have two key-fobs again in addition to the broken one which can work in an emergency but you have to use pliers to get the key back out of the ignition.

Knew enough not to do anything important or thought provoking once I got back to the office. Also to get pizza for dinner and a piece of bakery cake for having survived the ordeal.

Tomorrow I have to go in extra early for a stupid eight o'clock-sharp- meeting so I'm already in bed. So much less stressful and more productive - and in the long run far more relaxing - than "unwind with a drink or four" would have been.

Monday, June 19, 2017

Day 395


The heat wave broke, which helped generally and the current round of family drama seems to be over which helped specifically and although work is more irritating than usual I only have two more days this week. So that's all good.

Grocery shopping on a Monday evening during tourist season? Not good at all. Downright lousy, in fact...but over. Had some ice cream to celebrate that fact.

Tomorrow I'm going to finally replace the car key-fob which broke over a year ago. That will be a real accomplishment. It isn't like I haven't -wanted- to do it but that car was with Eldest two states away for almost all of that time and the dealership is a good 45-55 minutes away. But tomorrow after the affiliate site visit is the day. Huzzah.

Sunday, June 18, 2017

Day 394


I did have a pajama day but ABL decided to be a jerk for most of it. Ya win some ya lose some. Family drama still happening; I'm awfully sick of it. Awfully sick of the recurring feeling of resentment that I, as the stable person, just don't get to -have- least not any acknowledged or validated by others. It's an exaggeration I know but I've been in an annoyed sulky mood most of the day.

Fortunately sleep resets everything and tomorrow is a whole different day.

Saturday, June 17, 2017

Day 393

Fairly lazy day. Needed it.

Just realized that I'm in that window between "13 thirty-day units" and "13 months by date."  That feels pretty good. Also today I was watching a PBS travel show about Morocco and at some point the host said something about "hospitality and tea" while the camera panned across many women at a cafe in hijab and I thought "oh look! A whole -bunch- of people who don't drink!"

Then I took a nap. It's never the first day after a late night but the second when it all catches up.

Vacation coming up. Just a long weekend but "long" in this case is 5 days so that will be nice. I'm also thinking of putting off the shopping till Monday night and making tomorrow a Pajamas Day; haven't had one of those in a while and Father's Day in a tourist town (and a -sporty- tourist town at that) sounds like a good day to stay in.

Friday, June 16, 2017

Day 392

Wow, that's a heckuvalotta days. Go team me.

If that doesn't seem as enthused as it ought that's because exhaustion is setting in. Stayed up -far- too late last night with all the Drama and most of the Feelings and then had to go represent at in-law's birthday party. But hey, it looks like I'm on the downside of this particular round of chaos.

Also Youngest is officially done with school for the year - huzzah.

I would have never thought it much less viscerally known it as I do now but sober is just SO much better for Family Drama. That thought kept coming back to me all day as I dragged myself along with double-strength tea and a bakery cinnamon-raisin bun. Sure I was tired but I wasn't hung over, ashamed or trying to recall just exactly what had gone down. Much better place.

Also since I -did- survive a particularly unpleasant  evening/night/wee small hours I made sure to buy  myself a treat. This time it was a set of knitting needles I've wanted for a while.

Bedtime now. Sleeping late if I can manage it but "late" may only be 7-something instead of 6:20.

Thursday, June 15, 2017

Day 391

So much family drama.

But hey, I can deal with it. I'm an emotionally strong and generally capable.

Doesn't mean it doesn't suck though.

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

Day 390

Today was the first day in a while that I didn't -wake-up- tired and achy so that's progress.  However it was pretty stressful otherwise. Mostly time pressure - I just don't do well with that. Also some family stuff about which I have to keep saying "not my circus; not my monkeys." Having the Captain Awkward Archives as my primary reading material this week is helpful on that front.

One thing that almost thirteen months of sobriety has started to help me see is that I'm an emotionally strong person. Back when I was in school a colleague said "you're a rock, man" and I sort of brushed it off - especially because "If I'm so stable how come I drink so much?" These days though I'm starting to see his point and that feels good. It's not that I don't get the Big Sads or the Red Rages but that in this past year I've learned how to have emotions like that and neither let them consume me or cause me to consume booze. That feels awfully good when I stop to think about it.

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Day 389


Starting to finally feel better physically and then got a big case of Sad. Mostly because I've been dealing with stress on both the work and home front. So. Sick. Of. People. Living in a tourist town also doesn't help much.

But hey, I bought one of those tiny four-serving cakes from the grocery bakery and had my piece first thing when I got home. Fewer miles and dollars - both literally and figuratively - than the vodka-soda I would have had a couple years ago. Also eating a piece of cake when you first get in doesn't lead one to be oversloppy while making dinner.

But damn I wish I had a real "away" vacation lined up. Maybe next year.

Monday, June 12, 2017

Day 388

Still not healthy yet; this is getting annoying. But hey,super easy dinner and bed by 9 is the way to go.

Sober is also the way to go. For me for sure.

Sunday, June 11, 2017

Day 387

Felt worse today than yesterday; what the hell?!  Oh well it's over now: have officially moved from couch to bed.

Bunch of family drama didn't help matters a bit I'm sure. is all so much easier to manage as a sober person...well, except for drunken family members. If I were healthy I might be all the way to amused tolerance but tonight I stalled out at annoyed.

But sleep awaits and tomorrow is a whole new day.

Saturday, June 10, 2017

Day 386

I am so glad I'm a sober person.

Youngest went to her first rock concert tonight and although I had offered to drive she made arrangements to get a ride home with a classmate. Classmate's car broke down and I learned about it at around 6:30. Not a problem! Happy to fetch Youngest and her friend!

Couple years ago I would've also done it but it would have been "staying" sober with much resentment and I would have likely started drinking when I got home at ten freaking forty-five. Madness. Especially as I'm -still- not back to health baseline...starting to think I have a light (thanks to a couple decades of vaccinations) case of Flu B as it has been way more prevalent than A and peaked late.

In any case I spent most of the day horizontal and plan to do much the same - apart from the grocery shopping - tomorrow.