Day Fourteen Something

...hang on, I'm looking: Day 1422. Another couple months and it will be Columbus Year. 

The actual year 1422 was pretty weird too - Hundred Years War and Crusades still in play but at the end of August King Henry 5th of England died then on my mother's birthday King Charles 6th of France died.

And I'm totally distracting myself from the issue at hand which is namely I feel miserable. Time of Pandemic was one too many things in my already full life. I find myself full of rage with sadness stuffed in the chinks. For days on end. It's like this virus has ripped the thin veneer of "nice; mostly civilized" off of -everything- and left all the ugly open to air out. I see it catalyzing pre-existing dividing lines and creating new ones and it's just so TIRESOME as in soul-grindingly wearying. People keep debating what is or isn't best and this is just at my micro level; I stopped watching television generally and TV news specifically years ago.

The trouble is, as I said last time, people gonna people....and now way too many everybodys have to jockey for position about what the right thing actually is, and what they should do to promote their OWN causes and the slope from noble to base just gets steeper every day. And yes of course we should do the things that keep the most people safe but even just what we've already -done- is going to make this year really freaking suck no matter how you look at it and I just got DONE with a year of more than my fair share of "suck" by any reasonable standards so I'm especially bitter and sad right now.  And the fact that so many people have called me their "rock" over the years, and the fact that I AM generally really emotionally strong, both make it that much more anger-inducing because nobody's used to ME being sad so they tend not to know what to do with it.

And that's fair since I don't know what to do with myself either. Going for a walk helped somewhat as at least I was a well-exercised depressive so I had a side of "accomplishment" with my sad; the other side of that was cleaning the bathroom.  However my Zoom-based knitgroup was a little more than I could handle so I bowed out after an hour. There's another Zoom-based social thing tonight I might try....or I might not. I"m having a super hard time with "cordial" just now.  Might do what I've -been- doing which is World of Warcraft Classic either with or without familiy members. And knitting. Virtual destruction and actual creation; I guess that's as good a way to maintain sanity - or attempt to do so - as any.  But I still cry seemingly out of the blue and my outlook is definitely way more Eeyore than Pooh for sure.