Emotionally Exhausted

[rest of the MASH line is "..and morally bankrupt"]

Oh yes folks, I'm spent. You see just as we were getting the car thing under control Youngest got weirdly ill: neuropathy. The differential is huge and we're seeing Neurology tomorrow but I've just been worried sick, as my grandma used to say.

And of course Eldest isn't doing all that well either which means Spouse isn't as good as he could be down at the other house. At work a colleague is gone so I'm covering and the whole thing is just So. Damned. Much.

Despite all that, however, I got the shopping done and made a nice meal -- people are like the Sims and do better with good food.

And so it goes.

Day 1000

Wow. It's here. I've made it. Four digits. A thousand days.

And y'know what? It was pretty much just a day like any other. I didn't think about it till after six this evening. Made myself a sundae in honor of the day itself but ended up not wanting what seemed like cloying sweetness after all for whatever reason -- may be getting sick.

It's just so much better in every way to have that dysfunctional relationship behind me. It's hard as hell at first but it gets easier and it's really worth it. You don't grow self-esteem overnight but the complete loss of Routinely Feeling Shame kicks in pretty early and just keeps getting better.

Days 997 & 998

Easy trip home but my first day back to work was supremely annoying which I know is mostly me and not the work itself. But I made good food for dinner which helped and I’m in bed early which also helps.

Day 996

(Also 994 and 995.)

Tomorrow morning I drive back home. Being in the other house had a lot of ups and downs but a super big smsown is that the front grille of my car got cracked up. The fancy sensors are messed up now too with no Eye Sight or reverse anti-braking or _cruise_control_ and not sure it's related to that or just sort of happened at the same time. The woman who took insurance claim thinks something flew off the road or a truck and cracked it up so she asked if I heard a noise on the drive down. I was thinking "well no duh i would -remember- that I think." Didn’t day that, of course. Looks like someone kicked it to me but no proof so whaddya gonna do?It was the one thing too many yesterday. Had a little breakdown right in the middle of the driveway. Spouse said some kind words which was helpful.

Tonight I had a bedtime ice cream sundae with Spouse — I never eat ice cream at bedtime so it was nicely memorable. Also tasty.

Days 992 & 993

I’m blogging less and I can’t tell whether it’s natural evolution or drifting from sober support. Doesn’t feel drifty but then it wouldn’t, would it? In any case I’ve made it to the other house. Bad ride down - snow squalls and wind. Not slippery but poor visibility and then all kinds of stupid traffic including wreck with a lane blocked. Yucky.

Finally got here and it’s been hard for me to process how this house runs/is kept. But it’s bectime now an a good night’s sleep with NO obligations in the morning is pretty sweet.

Day 991

Home was okay enough but today work got under my skin. Such is the way of things I guess. Better than both being a problem I suppose.

Day 990

Got up early and went to the Good Grocery today - half hour each way but worth it. Made a nice dinner for the family too. Doing okay.

Hubby suggested that when I got to a thousand days I should stop counting days. I have mixed feelings about that.

Bad weather Tuesday and I’m driving Wednesday — that -should- work out so I hope it does.

Day 989

Pretty good day, all things considered. Was casting about the house a little before 8 this morning trying to figure out what to make for breakfast then realized “wait a minute...you have -options- here. You can go _buy_ breakfast for these people!” So that’s what I did and it was great.

Got some sun on my face too — took the dog a couple laps around the house. It’s not much but it’s more than I’d been doing so that’s all good.

Did a little mending, which felt accomplished. Ordered some tomato seeds which felt hopeful. Watched s bunch of videos about how to turn old cardboard boxes into a bookshelf which felt downright optimistic.

Now I’m curled up in bed early with a good book. It doesn’t suck.

Day 988

got the plane tickets and hotel for my March surgery so the only thing left is to set up car service from my house to the airport. I will be so happy to have this problem fixed but of course I’m anxious too. 

Family drama seems to have simmered down a bit. Praise be. 

I overwintered some bulbs in newspaper in the fridge and planted them yesterday - I’m not even totally sure what they are but I sure hope they grow. This winter has been hard and there’s still too much of it left. 

Day 987

The biggest news today is that one of the parathyroid surgeons from the specialty center called me back and we agreed I do in fact need the surgery (duh) and I’ve set a date of Tuesday March 19.

Other than that the day pretty much sucked. LOTS of work and just as much tomorrow plus big family drama in the evening. I get so tired of that but we don’t get to choose how other people  behave. 

We do get to choose how we respond to it though and I’m no longer responding by drinking and re-learning how not to respond by overeating either. 

But oh today right after the parathyroid thing got set up and the stress changed to relief I wanted SO much to just curl up against another human and have a good cry. The feeling eventually passed as feelings eventually always do but it wrecked a good chunk of late morning while I worked on getting re-centered. 

On the other hand I trimmed the dog’s toenails all by myself tonight which was very impressive as he usually struggles and cries and generally makes a huge ass of himself and flings himself away from me. But I did it by putting him in the kitchen sink first and that was just “up” and “weird” enough that I got the job done before he caught on. So that was a win. 

Day 986

A good day. Got everything done I needed to do and was home before dark.

Also this is the third day in a row of really working on my eating behaviors and it’s hard. Fortunately I have all this experience from quitting drinking which is helping me plan ahead and stay distracted and give myself little treats. Still no cakewalk. Ha.

Early bedtime always helps.

Day 985

I got everything on my To-Do list done today and it felt pretty amazing. No -new- family drama, either. Don’t wAnt to tempt the Fates but those two things plus unseasonably warm temperatures made this day better than any in recent memory.

And now to bed, which is also pretty terrific. I’ve been frustrated by waking up in the wee small hours more than usual lately...till I remember that I used to do the same thing only with a lot of sweat pounding heart and aching head. Just plain boring awake is so much easier.

And tomorrow is the halfway point of the week - that always feels accomplished.

Day 984

Things maybe a little brighter today. Getting the car things fixed, which is a relief. Not out of the woods yet though.

Work is supremely annoying and I’m not even entirely sure why. But I can manage.

Bedtime now though.

Days 982 & 983

I think I might not be -quite- as depressed today. Yesterday was just awful and I’m not even entirely sure why. Really glum and miserable and so many other negative feelings. Today I woke up just angry as anything — full of rage without focus. I just sort of acknowledged it and kept going about my day as if I didn’t want to scream at every single living thing and eventually it got better. Don’t know why but I’m grateful.

Of course there’s more family and auto drama; why would any of that let up? I’ve been rolling with it as best I can. So grateful to be a sober person and thus better able to deal with everything.

F

Days 980 and 981

Past two days really emotionally hard. I feel so wrung out. Yesterday’s snow day didn’t work out at all as I had hoped and there was trouble with the repairs on Middle’s car and the weather just keeps sucking and my family aren’t the most empathetic humans on the planet and I’m just glum.

Went to bed at 4pm yesterday and at 7:22 today. That’s a Belle tool which works. Didn’t have the good sense to stay in bed tonight though and when I got up I had a Lot of Carbs. I know there are way worse things but I sense a slide into some really dysfunctional food things I thought I got rid of ages ago. I can see why but that doesn’t make it easier to stop. 

Now I’m back in bed where it’s warm and quiet. Maybe tomorrow will be easier.