Three Years, One Month, Three Weeks and a Day

Weekends in the hospital are usually a holding pattern. That means we are most likely still sitting on the same decision point: heart strong enough for a transplant vs home with hospice. We can deal with either choice but it will be nice to know which. It’s not so nice to be starting our second week in the Big Medical Center Three Hours From Home but life is full of unpleasant situations.

Thought I’d write about some things for which I am grateful.

First and biggest: my sobriety. I can’t even imagine trying to do this wife/advocate thing while still being a drinking person. Either I’d be finding excuses to sneak away and get a drink or I’d be stuck in that white-knuckle “I’m so Not Drinking” state and both would be awful not just because I couldn’t be present in the right way for him but also because of the terrible shame spiral. Husband with end-stage liver disease and wife has to down a shot or four of vodka? Would make me feel not just like dog shit but really nasty ate-something-it-shouldn’t dog shit. So that’s huge. Just huge. I am grateful I got sober. Always and forever I am grateful I got sober...especially now.

I am grateful he didn’t die back in April during the first only-four-day hospital admission. Even if he dies tomorrow we will still have had two months I wasn’t sure we’d get.

I am grateful I turned out to be emotionally strong. Resilient. It’s not that I’m killing myself trying -not- to break down in tears or rage; it’s that I genuinely don’t feel the urge. Probably this has to do with my baseline personality -and- long-term sobriety. Taking away the booze takes away the really jagged fast high/low emotional peaks and valleys in favor of a more gentle wave and then it turns out I’m pretty stable on my own...and I’m grateful.

I am grateful we have a good family who can all rally around to help. We don’t have to worry about either house or the critters because the kids have those bases covered. We don’t have to worry about brother-in-law because my mother-in-law is still not just able, but happy and eager, to keep him in her apartment for as long as it takes. Having that kind of backup support is heartwarming in addition to gratifying.

I am grateful my workplace is so understanding. “Take all the time you need” has been the universal response. This is hugely helpful.

I am grateful that over the past year or so I’ve developed a spiritual practice which gives me comfort and strength.

I am grateful for a strong network of friends and acquaintances- that includes you fine blogfriends - who are there to help hold me up and listen to me.

I am grateful this hospital has enough money. Mine doesn’t and the differences are apparent everywhere from the cheerfulness of the staff to the really nice ice in the cafeteria.

Speaking of which...I am grateful for such a nice cafeteria with so many good vegetarian choices. They even stock my favorite teabags (Bigelow raspberry.) The quality and variety make this experience less lousy.

I am grateful my hairstyle- or rather lack of one - means I can sleep in a recliner, re-do my ponytail and be good to go. I’m grateful the recliner is comfy too.

I am grateful he and I keep getting more days together. He is the most interesting human I’ve ever known and we’ve had a helluva time over the past 30 years. I sure don’t want it to be over...and if it -does- have to be over I’m grateful it isn’t _today_.