Day 948

Oh my what a day. Hot and cold running family drama plus fresh snow.

But it’s over now and I’m already in bed and tomorrow is a whole new day. A whole new sober day.

Day 947

Another hard day. My brain has the emotional equivalent of road burn. Still sober though so yay I win.

Day 946

Bavk to work but it was a hard day anyway. New work issues, continued family drama, more car drama and of course All The Beagles All The Time.

I was all set to say “so I’m having an early bedtime” which was indeed what I planned but I just realized that with all the getting ready to go to bed stuff it is already past ten when I had been aiming for nine. Such is the way of the world. Or my house, anyway.

Day 945

The drama, it continues. But tomorrow I get to go back to work huzzah!  Given how frustrated I was with work 8 days ago, this is a good development and means the vacation was a success in that regard. In others not so much. But I’m continuing forward. Persisting. So glad to be doing it sober. Thank you Previous Me for starting that process - it is so much better than before.

Day 944

So much drama. So. Much.

Tonight my self-care is to take Benadryl and go to bed at 9:20 so as to avoid any further unpleasantness.

I am just SO happy to be a sober person: despite everything I know that my own actions have been just fine and that’s largely because I haven’t been drunk and all the stuff that goes with it. Very much worth it.

Day 943 Christmas 2018

Sober holidays totally rock. They just do, in every way. The Family Drama is always-always-always easier to navigate without alcohol. Especially if other people are drinking.

It is so good to rest and relax and go to bed early with complete cognizance of everything all day long. It’s also nice to be able to drive at a moment’s notice too.

Day 942 Christmas Eve 2018

My what a day. Family drama at all-time new peak: Eldest pregnant and Aunt in hospital.

But all’s well that ends well and being sober let me survive on practically no sleep and do okay today.

I’m going to be a grandmother. What a fascinating Christmas present.

Days 940, 941 and a Smidge:

It is four thirty on Christmas Eve morning and I don’t want to be awake but have not yet been able to get back to sleep after having been awakened by yelling for the second night in a row. Eldest and her husband drove up a day early arriving late Saturday night and the high but manageable level of family chaos expanded into critical levels.

I’m still sober.  I tend to have a mental “well of course” attached to that statement but maybe I shouldn’t because given all the volatility and the fact that there has been booze in the house I should give myself more credit. More like hey, I’m managing to stay sober in the face of huge adversity and that makes me both strong and grateful.

I am, however, really falling into bad food habits. Stuffing my face to prevent rage from erupting isn’t that far removed from drinking to stop feeling feelings. I mean yeah sure it’s a WAY lesser problem as nobody went into DTs from lack of Twinkies nor does anyone ever get pizza hangovers but it’s that same trying to block emotions with things and it’s SO easy to fall into.

But hey, awareness is the first step. And this is a short term thing.

Doesn’t -feel- short term.

Day 939

Everything went fine — they use Propofol now which is the most awesome stuff ever. I had it  for my endometrial ablation years ago and it rocked. Had 9 mm polyp which is on the large-ish side so yay Cologuard worked. From appearance and location probably hyperplastic which is zero increase in surveillance.

But gosh it’s been a rough couple months - and I still have Family Holiday Stuff coming up. Sigh

Day 938

Ugh. Clear liquid diet makes me cranky. Ditto the prep but it seems mostly over now. Nothing by mouth after 7am tomorrow and right now I’m thinking of all the food I’m gonna eat but when the time comes I will probably be too out of it on the sedatives to want anything. But once it’s over I can stop dreading it and start making ready for the holiday.

I remember a surgeon colleague of mine talking about a patient who cheerfully said that beer was a clear liquid. Glad I’m not that patient. Not any more, anyhow.

Day 937

I can’t believe I’m actually off work till these 28th. Or that I finally got dug out before I left.

Tomorrow I can sleep in if I like. Wow.

Used to be I would have been totally blotto by now in the name of “vacation!” Now that seems just silly.  Never thought I could get to this point but here I am.9’
n h ib

Days 935 and 936

Technicak difficulties last night: off the Internet.

But oh my what a difference one -good- day at work made.

Today was good from a work perspective too — will definitely becable to take a sick day on Thursday which is clear-liquids day. I already had Friday off.

Home had yet more chaos: Son went off road into tree and ditch on way home from last final. He is fine but car not so much.

So much better to be able to deal with all this crap as a sober person. Also it really -rocks- to tell healthcare workers you don’t drink at all.

Day 934

In bed a smidge before -nine- haha and that’s so awesome this is just a short note to say that I’ve caved to the Sugar Demon again — I was doing really well with not overdoing the sweets these past few days but no more. You see a couple weeks ago I flunked my Cologuard test which means now I gotta get the colonoscopy I expected the Cologuard test to say I didn’t need. It’s this Friday so the stupid low-residue diet started today which means I can’t stay in denial. That test has a high false positive rate so logically I’m not worried but there’s always that nagging asshole in the back saying “yeah but what if?”

I’d be doing better with it if my family drama would let up enough for me to even acknowledge I -have- feelings on the issue but so far not yet. Maybe that’s a blessing in disguise; who knows?

Anyhow sorta grim out here.

Day 933

Not a great day by any stretch of the imagination and then I had technical difficulties with my phone. But hey, sober for the win. Even when life sucks, it sucks less without booze on board.

Day 932

Survived the week. Didn’t get a lot done and still have a pretty lousy overall attitude but I’m in bed early for a change and making the most of it. I can’t imagine living my convoluted life with alcohol still on board. Even when things suck, sobriety is a big act of self love.

Day 931

Another long hard day but I had all three dogs piled on me in the easy chair for a nap and it was nice.

Day 930

Wow I didn’t even realize it was an “aught” day. I mean yeah, yesterday being twenty-nine -should- have been the tip-off but things are so hard here right now that I’m not thinking at top efficiency.

I have, again today as I did last night, had a wave of calm compassion wash over me in the middle of Big Drama/Tension. This was Very Weird as I am -not- like that and it had a big from-the-outside-pushing-in feeling. Makes one wonder about spiritual sorts of things.

But now? Early bed. Well, no...bed not as way late as recently. Better.

Day 929 u

Another really long really hard day. But I’m discovering I have a lot of strength in reserve. Glad I have it but wish I didn’t need it. Been discovering a lot of compassion too though.  

Day 928

I’m getting really tired of lousy days.

I’m getting particularly tired of the too-much-work day interrupted by some kind of family drama.
I’m also thinking my ratio of “doing for others” to “receiving from others” is approaching 1 closely enough that I’m seriously pissed about it...and wondering how I managed to be so compliant in allowing it to happen in the first place.

Most of all I’m completely weary of the constant expectation that I will be totally -fine- with whatever emotional landscape change might be happening, willing to go along with whatever rapidly changing plans might be made and happy to be a sounding board all evening.

Can’t decide whether I’m a misanthrope or I have a particularly needy family. Possibly both.

Days 926 and 927

Weekend icky. Too much family drama, not enough down-time and three beagles.

But I didn’t drink so I still win.

Day 925

Long day but I consciously worked on keeping a better attitude and it helped.

But now I’m way too sleepy. Dozed off with 2 of the 3 dogs in the recliner chair and have only wakes up enough to get into bed, check in with y’all and go to sleep.

G’night.

Day 924

The day was way busy but I dealt with it better, I think.  Well, except for a quiet little midday meltdown over the household issues creeping into work time but still I felt better today than yesterday for the most part.

Tomorrow I have to write a PowerPoint lecture to give next Thursday — needs to be tomorrow because next week is super busy. I sure hope January and February aren’t like this.

I guess I’m not entirely surprised my psoriasis is flaring.

Day 923

Did not get nearly the work done today I ought to have done but promised myself not to feel stressed or guilty about it. Ate too much, ditto. Fell asleep in recliner chair from 9 till 11 but feel -good- about that as it means I’m gradually getting my sleep deficit fixed.

Good news: finally figuring out how to deal with dogs in ways that lower household stress. Bad news: the little one has diarrhea. It’s always something.

I can’t imagine even trying to live my current life with booze on board.

Day 922 and a Half

Last night was just a mess all the way around.  Hubby's computer broke, the kids had company, the dogs were unhappy with life in general...so I ended up sleeping in the family room recliner chair which totally threw off the nighttime routines.

I haven't been doing well lately -- not with the sobriety; that seems to be really well-grounded (finally) -- but with everything else in life.  I was tired and glum...but finally realized that maybe I DO have a lot on my plate and maybe there really IS a lot of stress in my life so maybe I should ratchet back the self-improvement from "continue to gain new ground on food and exercise issues" to "hold onto current gains without setbacks."

You'd think this would be stunningly obvious and maybe to other people it is but for me it's a conscious thing because even though the Drinking Voice in my head is largely silent there's this Other Voice which is all "I don't know why you can't keep up with all this stuff; everyone else can...you're just a slacker and never mind all this stuff you HAVE done everyone is pissed off at you for all the stuff over here you HAVEN'T done because you're such a goof off who doesn't know how to use her time properly."  Don't know who-all contributed to that voice but it's sure annoying.

And even though I'd much rather spend a nice chunk of time blogging I'm going to have to cut this off and get to the actual paying work of the day as there is a lot plus I have a site visit and a meeting -after- the site visit.

But at least now I have a good hearty breakfast on board and that helps.

Day 921

Played catch-up all day. Got pretty much caught up so I guess it was worth it. Ridiculously tired from not that much work. Also the dogs have been pretty awful these past couple days.

Even so...lousy sober days are still better than lousy drunk ones and -way- better than hangovers.

Day 920

Long day with much napping.

Coffee with my friend was as expected. Family was pretty much as expected. Too sleepy to elaborate further.

Day 919

A pretty decent day. Went to the food grocery. Cooked. Ate. Had a Roy Rogers tonight after dinner tonight — was lovely.

Got a new pair of gloves - excited about it. Having coffee with friend tomorrow and a bit more curious/puzzled than flat-out excited but looking forward to it all the same.

Stunned to be getting closer to 1000 days.