Saturday, May 28, 2016

Saturday Makes Eight


Today was the first day I felt like my real self again. Normal for the first time in months: since before I quit quitting, even. Not up, not down, just plain. Relieved I can feel normal this soon...I was worried it would take another week or so.

Didn't do anything particularly special other than sleep in till nearly nine which was a luxury.  I'm still not getting the totally excellent sleep I got in months 2.5 - 6 last time but I was smart enough today that when I woke up from weird dreams at 4am I took the dog out on my way back from the bathroom so that we both could go back to sleep and -stay- asleep, which worked. And since it's a holiday weekend I get to sleep in two more days; how cool is that?!?

I'm still taking it -very- easy though: didn't get dressed till closer to eleven and when Middle volunteered to do the grocery shopping I gladly accepted.

 Letting the shopping be done FOR me is something I want to acknowledge and praise myself for doing because I have a terrible time accepting help that is offered, never mind asking for any. I'm trying to change because the flip side of that particular coin is that I build up resentment and resentment is one of those emotions that helps "justify" drinking. I know it is both stupid and illogical to refuse help then get angry/sulky because I have too much to do so I've really been trying hard to get rid of that dysfunctional behavior especially as it (rightfully!) pisses off the family if they make a kind gesture and I say "no thanks."  My new plan is to say "yes" to whatever help is being offered, even if it does feel weird. That's another behavior I got from my mother. She was hell-bent on doing everything to, for, by, with, at and about herself all BY herself and it rubbed off on me.  Asking for help, any kind of help, was a sign of weakness and she didn't want to be -weak- bygoshbygollybygumbygee.  Even though I know it's maladaptive and that people LIKE to help others, that knowledge hasn't made it much easier to change my own behavior but practice has made it a little less hard.

 Because I've felt Mostly Normal today I was reminded of something Robin Williams said about sobriety:  "I'm still the same asshole; I just have fewer dents in my car."  Lot of truth there.

4 comments:

  1. Well done on completing day 8. I am also bad at letting people help me. To my own detriment I'm afraid. And good sleep is the best gift in sobriety, although mine is only just kicking in now. Can't seem to sign in with wordpress so using old google. Plantbasednanablog.wordpress.com

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  2. So glad you this day of feeling back to your old self! It's nice isn't it? I leave for vacation in a week and hubby and dog can't come. I won't miss the 4am dog needs to pee thing for a bit. Hoping for good sleep myself. 9am, oh one can hope!!

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  3. Hi. I am exactly the same :-/ . I feel I am being put upon by all and sundry but can't/won't accept help. Yesterday I felt out of sorts all day, got grumpy with my husband because he didn't get the kid's breakfast in exactly way as I would (what?!) and then, when he offered to buy me flowers because I wasn't feeling great, I said 'no, I don't want any'! I did apologise and change my mind about the flowers but accepting help is definitely something I need to work on. Day 6 here. Hope you have a great day. Ellen x

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  4. You're taking a good look at yourself here. Congratulations on day 8!

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