Saturday, May 28, 2016
Saturday Makes Eight
Today was the first day I felt like my real self again. Normal for the first time in months: since before I quit quitting, even. Not up, not down, just plain. Relieved I can feel normal this soon...I was worried it would take another week or so.
Didn't do anything particularly special other than sleep in till nearly nine which was a luxury. I'm still not getting the totally excellent sleep I got in months 2.5 - 6 last time but I was smart enough today that when I woke up from weird dreams at 4am I took the dog out on my way back from the bathroom so that we both could go back to sleep and -stay- asleep, which worked. And since it's a holiday weekend I get to sleep in two more days; how cool is that?!?
I'm still taking it -very- easy though: didn't get dressed till closer to eleven and when Middle volunteered to do the grocery shopping I gladly accepted.
Letting the shopping be done FOR me is something I want to acknowledge and praise myself for doing because I have a terrible time accepting help that is offered, never mind asking for any. I'm trying to change because the flip side of that particular coin is that I build up resentment and resentment is one of those emotions that helps "justify" drinking. I know it is both stupid and illogical to refuse help then get angry/sulky because I have too much to do so I've really been trying hard to get rid of that dysfunctional behavior especially as it (rightfully!) pisses off the family if they make a kind gesture and I say "no thanks." My new plan is to say "yes" to whatever help is being offered, even if it does feel weird. That's another behavior I got from my mother. She was hell-bent on doing everything to, for, by, with, at and about herself all BY herself and it rubbed off on me. Asking for help, any kind of help, was a sign of weakness and she didn't want to be -weak- bygoshbygollybygumbygee. Even though I know it's maladaptive and that people LIKE to help others, that knowledge hasn't made it much easier to change my own behavior but practice has made it a little less hard.
Because I've felt Mostly Normal today I was reminded of something Robin Williams said about sobriety: "I'm still the same asshole; I just have fewer dents in my car." Lot of truth there.