Tuesday, May 31, 2016
Back to work and today I finally started feeling like Sober Me again. That person who identifies as a non-drinker. Who feels just plain normal mostly. Who went on a cruise and remembers every single bit of it as grand and glorious because there were no tipsy nights or even mini-miserable mornings. I like that person; I'm glad she's back. Gotta fight complacency so she sticks around longer this time.
Finished my new book and although I enjoyed the combination of high-quality writing and forthright honesty, I was a bit sad that it contained a whole lot of "this is how I used to be" and not much of "this is what the sober part is like." It seemed like a -short- 272 pages, possibly because there were "fantasy relapse" scenes sprinkled throughout.
In the words of Dom DeLuise "Nice. Nice. Not thrilling, but nice."
However there were two quotes I liked well enough to jot down:
Once the first sip of alcohol registered, the jig was up. Little addicted synapses all over my brain demanded more -- no matter how sober I was after just one sip
I prefer to bathe my feelings in copious amounts of alcohol rather than feel them.
Boy, did both of those ring true.
What I really want, though, is something about how life changes after the first 90 or 100 days. Like the four-to-eight months phase and the around-a-year phase. Stuff I can read to prepare and, I hope, have success. I suspect it's more than "just don't drink." I'm wondering if it's like a joke I heard once: "How many family counselors does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but you can't just change the bulb; you have to rewire the whole house."
But for tonight I'm happy to have these eleven days. I think I'm doing a little better at the "be good to yourself" this time around -- in response to being a pick-up-and-put relative (so that Middle has the car for his odd-hours part-time job) and also to be Just Plain Easier I've started buying meals at work again instead of packing a lunch. After only one day I'm now wondering what sort of crazed cost-effectiveness healthy-eating bee got in my bonnet that I started doing it in the first place given how much easier it is to let food service professionals deal with lunch.
I'm also wondering why lunch seems like an indulgence and why it is hard for me to indulge myself in even small ways when I'm all about letting other people - including family members - indulge themselves. Back to that "one set of standards for the rest of the known world; a different damned-near-impossible one for you." Yeah, well, that can be fixed. I hope.