For the first time in ages - well, months anyhow, I had a passing thought of drinking. Didn’t last at all but it was there. I’d just come from the liquor store (yeah yeah I end up buying for other family members “since you’re going out anyway”) and put the booze in the trunk and in the time between sliding behind the wheel and starting the car there was “you could have one of those you know. Remember how good it felt?” That was immediately followed by “what?!!? And give up five hundred some odd days? For something that wouldn’t either be that good? Nothing is worth starting all over again at one after this long.” And that was that - the end.
Except it wasn’t really the end because I realized it was a sign that life is currently a bit too much for me. Can’t fix any of it just yet but I have a week of vacation next week which I am hoping will help. In the meantime I’m trying to make things as easy on myself as possible. It’s mostly helping although I am still doing a bit too much self-martyring I think.
But now sleep.