Day 831

Surprisingly difficult day given that it’s a vacation Friday. Lots of big emotion about various things but I handled it all without losing my cool or eating everything in sight so big win for me. Wish it felt more like a win.

But no matter — sail-away is less than 48 hours from now.

Plus the puppy thinks I’m magic because I retrieved his toys from the car we drove down two weeks ago. I had told Spouse and Eldest where they were but they had never got them so I did and he’s contentedly chewing one right now.

I’ve started just speaking truth to family instead of something diplomatic with a soft spin on the truth.Too soon if it helps with the relationships but it definitely helps my tension load.

Sleep is hitting hard now that I’m comfy in bed...and that’s a good thing so goodnight.

Day 830

Up early, drove, was down to other house by 11:30.

Much family drama. Sigh. But I persevered and didn’t even let it get to me overmuch which is easy to  do when the car service is all set up to take me to the port on Sunday. I went to bed early instead. Have stayed up two hours since then websurfing on my phone but hey, it got me away from all the drama.

But now sleep.

Day 829

Finally vacation.

Had a lovely dinner with Middle tonight - Youngest wanted to stay on campus and eat with friends which was, of course, totally fine.

Tomorrow I drive the new vehicle to the other house and on Sunday I embark on my cruise. Pretty excited. Car is already gassed up and packed.

Sober is good.

Day 828

Tired for some reason. Bed at nine tired. But hey, that’s  okay.

I’m about to have my second sober vacation. Pretty excited for that, actually. It’s just so much nicer to be all the way -there- for everything.

Day 827

A decent enough day. Middle and Youngest started classes and did just fine. Youngest even stayed on campus till past 6 socializing so no worries there.

Did laundry so I’d start with an empty hamper when I come back from my trip. Finished packing the big suitcase. Got a temporary phone plan too so it must all really be happening. This time a week from now will be my second night on the ocean. I’m getting pretty excited.

Day 826

Pretty good day despite a fair bit of family drama. Did the shopping early and spent most of the day working on my current knitting project, which I finished.

Only three workdays this week then vacation. Huzzah!

Day 825

A low key day. Good for a Saturday. Made corn muffins for breakfast. Did a bunch of knitting. Ate a little too much. Nice Saturday stuff.

Day 824

Another good day. Got the hard part of my pre-vacation work done so the three days I work next week will be quite easy.

Stayed up way late knitting again. Even so, I know I can rely on myself to make corn muffins in the morning and not say “oh no effing way” because I never have hangovers any more. Such a nice thing.

Day 823

Stayed up too late knitting so not many words tonight.

Still out of sorts over the family stuff most of the day but eventually got over it.

Starting to get excited for my vacation.

Grateful to be sober. Feel good about the work I put into it too.

Day 822

Sigh. A bit of minor family drama this evening left me disproportionately angry and for me anger is the hardest emotion to have. It’s the one I used to kill with alcohol more than any other feeling. Even now it is hard work not to kill it with food but I didn’t. I’ve teally been trying to pay close attention not just to what I eat but how and when...and tonight when just sitting with the anger became more than I could stand I played computer games and that worked pretty well. I’m still a little too wired for this time of night but I’m so very much better than I was that it feels like a win.

Well, okay: not drinking the anger away is -always- a win and not eating it away either is another win.

And now to unwind enough to get some sleep. Tomorrow is another day.

Day 821: 2 Years 3 Months

Amazing to think I’ve been a non-drinker for two and a quarter _years_ My sobriety can speak clearly, get dressed and jump up in the air with both feet.

I’m saving my treat for later though as the cruise is so very soon. I’m thinking I’ll put it towards the car umbrella I bookmarked back in April. We now have one more car than garage bay and I’d really prefer the kids take the indoor spots when it snows because they are the ones more likely to be running late and rushing and not clearing off the car properly.

Otherwise it was a plain kind of day. Work, a couple errands, home, dinner, knitting. Nice to have a plain day.

Days 819 and 820

Totally forgot to post yesterday. Just completely gone from my mind. Don’t even recall exactly what was happening at bedtime last night to make me forget. Oh well.

Yesterday I did the grocery shopping and parked my white SUV right between two other white SUVs - that was neat. Also the ground under our side-yard pine trees has become a mushroom garden; that’s neat too.

Work okay, family okay, critters okay. I’m definitely okay.

Saw another ad for a booze accessory: a big bracelet that’s really a stainless steel flask. For when the handbag wine doesn’t do the trick by itself any more, right?

Day 818

Wow today is my Day 818 and it also -is- 08/18. How cool is that?

It was also a very very good day. Slept in a little bit, had a nice relaxing morning and then Youngest dropped me off at the dealership so I could take possession of my new vehicle which was even nicer than I had thought. Plus I was proud of her because she drove the half hour home all by herself for the first time and although she made a wrong turn she figured out where she was and corrected it all on her own.

Leisurely day knitting and playing computer games and cleaning and sorting and just generally getting stuff done while also treating myself nicely. Used up leftovers for dinner, too.

It was so lousy there for a while I couldn’t see that it would ever be good again but it is.

Sober makes it all better. Oh but that reminds me: on my FaceBook feed I keep seeing ads for “the wine purse” which is a handbag with a pocket that holds what looks like an astronaut-food pouch with a spigot (hidden by a flap) so one can load up a bottle of wine and take it wherever. WTF?!!? Weren’t hip flasks enough? Oh wait, I forgot: we are now supposed to give in to -all- our desires as long as they involve _buying_ something. Sure you should take a whole bottle of wine shopping with you; you -deserve- it! Sure you should buy all the candy; you -deserve- it!

Okay maybe I oughta shut up now.  Especially as it’s bedtime anyway.

Grocery tomorrow morning. Got the list ready to go. Menus and everything.

Day 817

Another good day.

Did paid work, house work and creative work. Enjoyed peace and quiet. Got carry out for dinner. Nice evening and now bed. Sunday morning is always a particularly nice time to be sober but I’m getting to where I really like Friday night too. It used to be just guar-an-damn-teed that I’d be drinking on Friday night - probably the most of any night, too. The one time I found out the hard way about 100 proof vodka was on a Friday.

This is so much better.

Day 816

Busy day but good. Lots of work then in the evening Youngest and I took a practice drive to/from the college and then I watched my show.

Nearly forgot to post. Remembered -just- as I was dropping off to sleep so forgive the brevity.

Day 815

A mostly-good day. Work easy, no big driving trips, very minimal family drama and my good TV show.

Plus a pan of grocery-store cornbread. That’s a mixed blessing for sure: on the one hand it’s soft and sweet and tasty but in the other hand soft, sweet and tasty are a setup to eat a lot of it on the tail end of the little bit of family drama.

Read a great short book, too: Passing Strange by Ellen Klagrs. I didn’t think I even liked period fiction but this was just wonderful.

So glad to have a nice day. Hasn’t happened in awhile. Hope it’s a trend.

Day 814

Getting used to the quieter household. Mornings are so much easier.

This will also be my last week of having to share a car with Youngest: on Saturday she will have my beloved but aging sedan because I pick up my new SUV. I plan for it to be the car which takes me clear to retirement 15 years from now so I hope I bond with it even half as much as I did with my current car. It is exciting to think that my chauffeur days will soon be _over_.

Tonight I played computer games for a good three hours — first time I’ve done that in at least eight weeks. Took a completely new and different approach to one which I thought was perhaps a reflection on having lived through the chaos of the past three weeks.

Big time of transition: thevehicles, my cruise, new puppy in other house but most of all both kids up here commuting to the same college. New era. Should be interesting. Glad I’m a non-drinker so I can be fully present for it all.

Day 813

Got a lot accomplished today. That felt good.

Although I very much like the peace I do miss Spouse and the other two dogs. I think my dog misses them too. We'll get used to it, I'm sure.

Getting excited for my cruise: have the suitcase out and at least halfway packed. Okay, two-thirds.

Need to wind down for bed but now that the little one is gone things can stay plugged in when nobody is around because boy-beagle has long since outgrown the chewing phase...and that means my computer is still a novelty. Maybe just fifteen more minutes...

Things change. Different can be good too.

Day 812

I am sober hear me roar.

Hit the road by 7am so I was home before noon and then did all the shopping but only some cleaning because Youngest did most of it. Plus laundry yet I’m still in bed at a decent hour.

The house is way more calm and definitely cleaner and we can leave the doors open again and all of that is very good indeed. I miss Spouse and even kinda miss the other two dogs but I gotta admit there’s also a huge part of me happy to get back to baseline.

Special bonus is that I got all my steps in and didn’t overeat. Let’s just hope the week continues this well.

Day 811

Did it. Drove to other house with Spouse and doggies. Through torrential rain and thunder worse than any I’d ever driven through. But I did it.

Right hip was cramped/twisted before (from sleeping with two dogs on much less bed space) and it got WAY worse on drive though so took half a muscle relaxant which knocked me on my ass big time. Fell asleep in the recliner chair right after dinner and have now relocated to bed.

Dinner was really good though and I can’t tell you how NICE it is to let someone, anyone, ELSE be responsible for getting it and dealing with the dogs.

Bed at 8pm because half a Flexoril is putting my lights out is SO much better than drunk by eight but just getting started with the talking and the emotions.

Day 810

I finally made it. Tomorrow I take Spouse, girl-beagle and beagle-pup back to the other house. I love them all, of course, but we had no idea how chaotic -three- dogs would be. Just like toddlers, you get politics. And beagle-pup has reached that gangly older-puppy into-EVERYthing stage. So although I’m sure I will miss some things there are others I can’t wait to have gone.

Not a day too soon, either: found myself taking a two o’clock crying break in my office this afternoon. Not sure I’ve ever done that before. Continued bits of bad work news on top of continued bits of family drama laid in a background of poor sleep for days and the lingering post nasal drip/cough were all just a little overwhelming. Plus noon book club really sucked today and I’d been genuinely looking forward to it. Very poor attendance and one of the people who did attend monopolized the conversation with life-story instead of book talk.

I’m strong; I bounced back.

Now that this grand adventure is winding down I can start seriously anticipating my next grand adventure which is the knitting cruise I booked months and months ago. That will be a much deserved and most enjoyable week.

I’m just so glad to be a sober person. Even though it was hard last week it’s still very much the right choice for me.

Day 809

More bad work news, more actual work and more family drama. Joy.

But I had no urges to drink so it was a good day anyway.

Extra bonus was that it was not just the night of my tv show but a really good episode of same _and_ I got on the scales for first time in ages and haven’t blown up the way I thought I would.

Day 808

The best thing about this day was zero urge to drink at all. The cold getting better was another good thing and being in bed at 9:30 makes three.

There was a lot of not-good too though. The usual dog craziness, a really annoying work issue and more gloomy financial work news. Plus a meeting from 5 to 6 pm which is a really rotten time.

The rest of the family’s drinking is really irking me tonight; that’s part of why I’m in bed so early. They can have their fun but please do it without me. And please don’t act all disappointed about “oh you’re not staying with us?” either. No, I’m not. Even in the best of moods I find sitting around listening to y’all get louder, more opinionated and viciously sarcastic as the evening progresses to be only barely tolerable so there’s no way I’m dealing with it in my present mood. If that makes -me- the bad guy so be it.

Day 807

The cold is quite a bit better than this time last night but there’s still room to go. I took a sick day from work which is quite unusual for me...and damned if they didn’t call me at home about something anyhow. That irked me but hey, whatcha gonna do?

I still have quite a bit of resentment going on about this and that but at least the horrible “maybe you should drink” urges seem to have passed. Thursday, Friday and Saturday -totally- sucked that way with Sunday only marginally better. To (probably mis) quote Caroline Knapp: and you think the craving will never pass but it always eventually does.

I’d like some unexpected -positive- things to start happening though - that would be nice.

Day 806

Went to bed thinking my allergies were just -really- acting up. Nope: head cold. Declared itself assertively when I woke up this morning. I’ve been stressed and miserable deeply enough for long enough I’m not even surprised.

So I did what I had to do, took two Benedryl and went to bed for  the night at 9:30. Rest of family drinking — glad not to have to be social at all.

Hoping to sleep the worst of it off.

Saturday morning I take Spouse and the two extra dogs back to the other house. Can barely wait.

Day 805

Another really emotionally hard day. Family drama up close and personal. I’ve been eating like a freaking pâté goose and I don’t even care because fighting the urge not to freaking -drink- has been hard enough. Not particularly happy with using sugar like a freaking drug but as I’ve said a million times nobody ever woke up in the middle of the night sweaty and with pounding heart after too many cookies. Nor did anyone ever get a hangover from pie.

I am so tired of being strong. So. Tired.

But hey...I didn’t drink so I still win.

Day 804

Really rough day. Just rough. In emotional survival mode. Ate way too much food but don’t care. Not drinking is enough.

Day 803

Another really emotionally hard day. The one-two punch of stress at both work and Home is getting to me.

Enough that this blogging thing has saved me again: in the late afternoon and early evening That Voice was so loud and so sirenlike that even “what, and give up more than two _years_?!!?” wasn’t quite a strong enough reply but “and howinhell would you tell the blogosphere about -that-, huh?” was enough. Praise be. Accountability helps - it really does. I was sitting with “aw fuck it; what’s the point of staying sober when it’s going to crap around you anyway?” for way more of this day than I liked...but I got through it. No booze.

I had pizza -and- one of those individual fruit pies which aren’t ever as good as you think they’re gonna be and started a new knitting project. The urge faded eventually.

Bedtime now. The sleep will be restful and shame free.

After all, nobody ever, anywhere, woke up and thought “gee, I wish I’d gotten good and drunk last night. I really regret not drinking.”

Day 802

Hard day.

Got lousy sleep and had to use a fleet car for my work-related site visits and heard bad work news and family drama and was just SO depressed and glum so -much- of the day.

Then of course the very first thing which happens as soon as I cross the threshold is walking the adult dogs and cleaning up after the puppy and I have _lots_ of feelings about that lemmetellya but in this case trading really down for pretty pissed off wasn’t entirely awful because pissed off is so much more energetic.

But now bed. 

Day 801

Up and down day. Work stuff. Home stuff. Emotions. Dogs.

Basically okay. Got myself some new pants as a treat. Starting to get excited about the cruise.