Day 648

It is surprisingly easy to eat five to six ounces of chocolates. I know because the box of Assorted All Dark arrived in the mail today and I was both hungry and irritable due to some family drama. So that was dinner.

Little did I know that the family drama would take a new and surprising turn later in the evening. I’m still just stunned. Have prophylactically put myself to bed. Sleep may not help but it sure won’t hurt.

Day 647

Got a lot done today and even went for my first walk in over a week. If it weren’t for all the family drama it would have been a really great day.

Did something unusually self-caring though: decided not to cook dinner. Got home hungry and tired so I ate before doing anything else which was good as that’s when the curtain opened on another scene in the family drama and troubles always go better on a full stomach. Then I thought I’d feel better about it after a shower but I still didn’t so I announced that either someone would have to choose a specific carry out meal or it was going to be Fend For Self and nobody was particularly hungry anyhow so Fend For Self it became. And I wasn’t even too physically tired to cook just emotionally put out...but it turned out to be a far better choice than chopping up a bunch of resentment along with the vegetables. 

Have a very tedious very mandatory 7:30 meeting tomorrow so it’s early to bed here. I have Annie Lamott’s _Small Victories: Spotting Improbable Moments of Grace_ though so it’s all good.

Day 646

I was in a public restroom with completely unflattering lighting today but as I dried my hands and looked in the mirror I stunned myself by genuinely liking what I saw. That’s sobriety: I’m finally the non-drinking person I wanted to be for practically ever. It took a really long time to get this far but it’s definitely worth the trip.

Day 645

Hard day.

Woke up with the sore throat -again- after I thought I was all done with this not-quite-sick bullshit. Which made me moody and cranky and I got to the grocery late and it was all just Not Great and the sore throat turned into wheezing.

A nap helped.  Till I got too tired doing very little and blew up at Spouse in the early evening...not one of my finer moments. But we got over it and things went on and now I’m finally in bed for the night and that’s a good thing.

Day 644

Better still.

Woke up way too early but after dealing with the critters I got some more sleep so that was good. Only today after having so much more energy did I realize how completely drained I had been pretty much all last week. Once again mistook physical illness for depression; why can’t I just be “a little bit under the weather” or “a little sick” or even “coming down with something?”  Oh wait: because my mother had Big BIG issues with and crazy around “sick.” Maybe I’ll be able to work through that eventually.

In the meanwhile it was nice to feel better though around three in the afternoon I felt like a deflating balloon. We had Party Food Dinner though; that’s always ridiculously easy and a big hit with everyone so that helped.

Sleep always helps too.

Day 643 (and a half.)

Had this in my email this morning and it's too good and serendipitous not to share:


https://medium.com/spiralbound/my-first-year-sober-ef0e51b6ffca


So I posted that much as “Draft” early Friday (now yesterday) morning and never got back to it.

Stayed up with family later than usual then answered some email from bed and fell asleep before blogging. Very unusual but relatively harmless I guess.

Had a lot of free-floating anger, resentment and sadness yesterday - I suspect it might be seasonal or biochemical or something because a raise I wasn’t 100% sure was happening -did- happen yesterday and I was _still_ in a pissy mood.

So far this morning seems a little brighter.

Day 642

Better day.

Still plenty of room for improvement but not nearly so [pick any negative adjective] as yesterday. Got myself a couple Kindle books from my wishlist and had a really nice online interaction so there was definitely good in the day as well as the not so good.

Tomorrow should be easier at work than today was - that will help too.

Sober always helps. Always.

Day 641: 21 Months

Overall a sucky day.

Work got exponentially busier and there was family drama galore. So much drama.

But at least Youngest was happy for my milestone. She asked if I ever still had cravings and I thought about it before saying “not really.” Tried to explain the concept romancing the drink and thinking it seemed like a good idea but then realizing that no it wouldn’t be a good idea at all versus actually seriously wanting to drink and I -think- she got it because she asked when my last serious wanting was. I thought about it some more and said “oh, maybe at around eight or nine months” which might not be totally accurate but -felt- accurate. I remember around that time the whole sober-is-better feeling really kicked in.

One good thing: made a lunch date with a former coworker  I haven’t seen in several years. March 17....but we are having Mexican. 

In any case I got through the day and I’m in bed now and that’s really good. Tomorrow will be a whole different experience. 

Day 640

Odd day.

Woke up with puffy throat and tight chest but was not about to let illness win. A deer clobbered Middle’s car last Wednesday evening (did I mention it? I can’t remember) so I drove it to the body shop this morning and found myself listening to FM radio for the first time in many months as my car has XM radio. Found a station the car identified as "Rock" and it was playing stuff I liked. I was three songs and a commercial break deep before it identified itself as "Oldies [call numbers]." 

So that was a shock. 

After swapping damaged car for a loaner I stopped at a Denny's (chain restaurant) specifically because they advertise biscuits. Total bummer: the biscuit was a strange rubbery thing not worth eating. I should have known better as it's impossible to get a decent biscuit in these parts - you know it's bad when KFC is the best of all available options. Wasn’t a total loss though as the omelet was good as were the hash browns.

Went to the register to pay for my meal and right there was a sign saying that if one presented one's AARP card one could get 15% off the bill all day every day...so then I was annoyed I didn't have mine with me. I mean yeah sure 51 hardly seems senior-citizen-discount old but hey, 15% is still 15%.

Finished up a lot of odds and ends at work and then despite the tired and achy went for a walk anyhow as the weather is currently unseasonably warm. That was slow going but mostly nice except for all the whole-sidewalk puddles as my feet got wet. 

Got home and made a by-request dinner: Wienerschnitzel. I’m lacto-ovo (plus clams, shrimp and scallops) but my family isn’t and I’m not big on forcing my beliefs on others so I’m fine with cooking carnivorous meals but this one is about the worst I can think of: little baby veal cutlets breaded and sautéed in an extraordinary amount of butter...but the menfolk inthe family all think it’s great. (Maybe someday I will live in a place where the whole household is meat-free but that ain’t today.) Turned our to be a damned fine production: everything done at the same time and served at the proper temperatures.

Due in part to unexpected phone call nobody thanked me for the dinner which was a helluva lot of work. I know Heinlein said we should -never- _expect_ gratitude but it was awfully fucking hard not to be picking up pebbles by the -handsful- to fill up my bag of resentment. Eventually got over it but even so I’m not making -that- meal again maybe ever.

Had to change the sheets because boy-beagle puked on the bed sometime in the night last night but after that I spent most of the evening lying down. And now it’s bedtime for real and tomorrow is a whole new day AND my 21-month Soberversary. Huzzah!







 


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Day 639

Fighting off illness. Winning so far. Lots of lying down doing nothing this evening as I’m exhausted and achy but not a bit -sleepy-. Figures...but it isn’t the end of the world if I oversleep tomorrow as the morning is dedicated to taking Middle’s car to the body shop and getting a loaner.

I ordered a skirt today - very unusual for me as I much prefer pants. However my knitting cruise this fall includes afternoon tea at the Hotel Hamilton and I’m planning ahead. Not sure it counts as my 21-month treat but adding a T-shirt from my favorite artist might. Not to be worn together, of course.

In any case it’s timd to start trying to unwind enough to sleep. So glad I’m not still playing that last-dink-bs-bedtime-vs-up-too-late-again game.

Day 638

Did so much today. Drove home with Spouse and Girl-beagle, went grocery shopping and then made banana bread for everyone and a curry for my lunches plus did some knitting. I am sober hear me roar.

Speaking of which I just now realized Wednesday will be my 21-month Soberversary. Need to think up a nice treat.

But for now I need to get rid of these freaking hiccups; they are really annoying. Then bed.

Day 637

Lot of emotional ups and downs today. Really glad not to have drinking in the mix making everything more dramatic and worse. That’s a huge thing. Also I took a nice long walk and managed not to overeat - those are pretty big too. So it was a successful day, if not a blissful one.

Tomorrow will be a whole brand new day.

Day 636

Drove down to the other house today. Easy drive for a change - no rain; no snow.

However even though the drive was easy I found myself being really irritated really easily. Also hungry...and the two together meant I overate. Not horribly so and it was definitely lesser of two evils because there were a few romancing-the-drink flashes in the early evening...they didn’t last more than a few seconds each but it was still startling.

In any case I’ve opted for an early bedtime and that seems to be helping.

Tomorrow is a whole new day.

Day 635

Emotionally exhausted. Not that full of physical energy either.

Had some work drama -and- family drama today and the latter went deep enough for long enough that I found myself not only having ice cream for dessert but then chocolate and later some crackers just when I’d been doing so much better with the emotional eating. Oh well. Baby steps.

Special finishing tough on the day? Longtime friend has worrisome neck mass.

Time to sleep now...tomorrow might be an entirely better day. Even if it isn’t it’s still a -different- day.

Day 634

Such an up and down day.

Started off okay enough but then I had bad work news followed by minor family drama. So I took a nice long walk at lunch and that helped as did my audiobook: a new-to-me Carl Hiaasen.

Got home and there was family drama from the Away Team and then family drama at home because Middle, after avoiding two separate deer, couldn't brake/avoid a third deer which darted in front of him and now his nice new car is banged up and he was totally beside himself.

Called the insurance company and it's going to be covered and we'll get a rental for the duration of the repairs but of course that was One More Thing painted atop a background of feeling unappreciated and unacknowledged. If I weren't so tired I'd still feel that way now, I think.

I don't mention it much as there's not a lot of help to be had for it but I get SO freaking tired of being the damned Maypole around which everything else gets braided. I remember when I was sixteen I wrote in my journal "of course I -want- to be the princess who gets carried off into the sunset and a new life by the prince on a white charger but I'll end up being the one slogging back to the wrecked castle with the pack pony and the wizard because someone's got to rebuild the damned thing."  I didn't realize then I was writing freaking _prophecy_.

But bed and a good night's sleep will help - it always does - and things might look better in the morning.

Day 633

A good day.

Managed to take a walk at lunchtime even after doing a site visit. Got way too hungry waiting on Youngest to be done setting up the Valentine’s Day carnations at school but knowing that was all it was helped me get through till I could eat and food, of course, fixed me right up.  Grateful not to be turning all that hungry-angry into a reason to stop at the liquor store...and not to turn it into grabbing the first handful of food I could reach as soon as I got in, either.

Tomorrow is both Valentine’s Day -and- Ash Wednesday - that’s an interesting juxtaposition.

Day 632

A bed at 9:15 kind of night. It was a decent enough day: easy work, monthly lunch with colleagues, sent regrets for the 5-6pm meeting Wednesday night and even had a walk but somehow I was still just totally fed up by 8:30. But that’s what bed with the Kindle app is for.

Day 631

For a pajama day it sure seemed busy. Laundry, changed sheets, cooked, replaced the garage light bulbs (-all- of them went out - so annoying) found and packaged some requested items for the other house, fielded ABL’s same irritating questions at least three separate times...it’s none of it very big by itself but stuff adds up.

Still, it’s never a totally bad day when one has a shower to change from one pair of pajamas to another...and in a few minutes I’ll be putting my clean self into clean sheets and going to bed early with a book. That’s always nice. 

I hope I don’t have crazy dreams again tonight - last night was downright disturbing. Hey, get a load o’ that: me so used to quality sleep that I’m complaining about nightmares! I’ve come a long way, that’s for sure. 

Day 630

The numbers are slowly piling up. Feels good.

Today was rough in places: woke up seriously down. Between family stuff, the weather stuff and work stuff I slid right past blue into indigo and was working on purple...but it eventually eased up. A warmer day helped because I made myself get out in the fresh air. I didn’t walk much but it was something and every little bit helps. Tried to eat real food instead of junk, too - that never hurts.

After dinner I did the grocery shopping because Youngest needs the car tomorrow morning - this means I don’t have to leave the house at all if I don’t feel like it. Got a list of things to do in/around the house though so that’s fine.

Picked up my knitting for the first time in over a month but ket getting interrupted. Maybe tomorrow.

But now sleep. It always helps.

Day 629

One of those days.

Annoying, pure and simple, from start to finish. Weather, work, family: it all irritated. Granted, I was good and primed to be irritated what with being tired and cranky and all.

In any case I made it through the day, got a pizza for dinner and crashed hard on the couch. No energy for the computer or even the podcasts I follow and it took s good hour of doing nothing at all before I even could manage reading in the Kindle app. Don’t know how much is emotional and how much is physical but I’m just riding it out. Moved from couch to bed and figure I can start over tomorrow.

Day 628

Long tiring day.

There were many minor annoyances but I managed to turn the last and most irritating around into a benefit. When I got back to work after my Big Loop the parking lot was a complete disaster as some spaces were taken up with plowed snow and there had been enough snow to hide the marking so everyone had just sort of guessed where they should park and they were lousy guessers. No spots there and no spots in the other lot either so I had to park on the street. Well fine: the street has a two hour time limit and it was 1:30. There was no way I was going to go move my car and go -back- to the office so my day became officially over at 3:30.

Had a shower bath first thing and that helped. So did carry-out for dinner and a nice bowl of ice cream. Needed all of that because there was some family drama to top off the day.

 Been thinking about May not just because it will be full-on spring by then but also because my two-year Soberversary is May 21. Already thinking about fancy cake again - I never did get it last time I-forget-why-not but maybe this time I will.

Sleep now though.

Day 627

Getting TO work was no problem at all as the snow hadn’t started yet. Home was another matter. Had to clear about 9-10” of snow off the car and the roads were lousy lousy lousy...but I made it. Once I got home everything was fine and since it appears to have stopped snowing everything should be more or less normal tomorrow.

In years past I would have most likely had to figure out a way to stop by a liquor store, horrible weather or not. So glad not to have -that- in the mix.

Oh but that reminds me: Youngest was sick on Monday when I did the shopping and strawberry is her favorite flavor but she does -not- like strawberry-kiwi at all so finding strawberry -juice- was pretty impossible...till I thought of daiquiri/margarita mixer. We have to dilute it with water (I think club soda would be better but she hates fizzy drinks) but it is indeed strawberry and more or less juice, although on the syrupy side.

I really hope the weather is decent tomorrow as I need to do the Big Loop again. Sigh. But if it isn’t I will cancel.

Day 626

An agreeably uneventful day.

Another way of seeing it is as the calm before a storm: enough snow is expected that school is already canceled. Pity I can’t also take a snow day but as a boss for an essential-services department it would be hypocritical as hell if I did...so in I shall go. I already have the big pushbroom from our front porch in the back of the car as the 8-12” of snow is supposed to happen during the day. You would think, as much snow as we have here, that someone would have built a coveted parking garage a decade or two ago but no. My understanding is that the village powers-that-be think a parking garage would be ugly and might detract from the historic beauty of the town. I think snow on my car is ugly.

But now sleep. Adventure awaits.

Day 625

Everything started catching up with me today.

It -kept- snowing, far more than expected and enough to close the schools. Also got lots colder. With those two things as background I got hit with the travel fatigue and still had to do the stupid shopping. However my fancy Hawaiian chocolate arrived so that helped...as did a nice shower bath (that’s where you take a shower to get clean then fill the tub to soak) and going to bed at 9pm. Good thing too as I walked in the door really tired and cranky. 

Finished Girl Walks Out of a Bar at lunchtime today - it was an interesting read but not as thick and chewy as, say, Caroline Knapp or Augusten Burroughs. 

And now early to bed means early to sleep. Good sleep always rocks.

Day 624

Drove home this morning. Left way early because snow was predicted for afternoon up here and of course I didn’t want to go and it was hard. At least I very sensibly ate a good breakfast before heading out - usually I don’t and then I get too hungry. Well surprise!!! The snow started far earlier than expected. The last third of my trip was Just. Awful. An hour of no faster than 45-50 mph on interstate with either 65 or 70mph speed limit then 45 minutes of no faster than 30 mph on a state highway with speed limit of 55 mph and drove (crept!) by several cars off the road. Had planned to do the grocery shopping this afternoon but fuck that - I put the car in the garage as soon as I got in and and announced I was not going out again till tomorrow morning. I keep the house well-stocked enough that even after being gone from Friday morning till Sunday noon I didn’t -have- to go out.

Then it just -kept- snowing. The weather people had predicted 3-5” in total but we already had that much on the ground by the time I got home all cranky and traumatized. We now have closer to eight or nine inches. 

After I got home the very first thing I did was take a good hour to relax on the couch. I was kind of wrecked from so -much- bad weather driving.  However once I recovered I fed the critters, made chili for the humans, cleaned the bathroom, shoveled the front-of-the-house walkway, did laundry and made the good brownies from The Joy of Cooking. I had a lot of nervous energy to burn.

Even after all that I was in bed for the night at 9:30 which is where I’m writing this blog post. Formerly I would have been so stressed from the driving that I would have stopped at the liquor store on the way home and spent the rest of the evening getting tanked to make up for the trauma of the drive...and used the excuse of “it’s the Super Bowl so -everyone- will be drinking on a work night and hung over in the morning” as an excuse to make sure I got -enough- which is to say more than my usual amount. Would have done all kinds of stupid stuff like pumping fluids or eating late at night to attempt not to have the inevitable lousy sleep and shitty morning too.

It is just so -good- to be off _that_ merry-go-round. 

Day 623

Good day.

Slept in a bit, ate too much good food, went shopping with Eldest...it’s good to be down here and will be so hard to leave in the morning.

No words of wisdom today either...Well except for “sober is better. May not seem like it at first but it really truly is.”

Day 622

Drive from one house to the other today. It was long and tedious except for the two snow squalls which were hard and worrisome but blissfully short.

No words of wisdom - or any other kind - tinight. I just want sleep

Day 621

Long day and tired finally caught up to me in a big way. Might wake up in the middle of the night but  I need to sleep right now...was dozing off in my chair.

Probably a belly full of ice cream sundae has something to do with it.