Day 437

Very emotional day.

Woke up okay but by 9am had a headache and a sick stomach surprisingly reminiscent of a hangover with the emotional rollercoaster that goes with it...very odd. Hadn't even had Motrin, ferpitysake. Assume it was either stress or sickness or both.

Another round of dryer repair.  Good news: no charge. Bad news: underlying issue is still having to move the vent which involves finding a reputable contractor which is damned near impossible. Sears -has- a service for this sort of thing but when I plugged in my zip code the robo-voice said they didn't offer that service in my area.  I cried.

Plus there were family issues; seems there always are.

But at least there was a good restaurant meal at the end of it all then I had some quality lie-on-the-couch do nothing time, followed by a small crying jag. Then I went about my evening tasks and had a hot flash. They don't take me AS much by surprise these days I guess.  I should probably make myself more allowances for this whole menopause thing; I seem to be just ignoring it and that's probably not the wisest thing. In fact that whole headache-sick-to-stomach thing felt just as much like morning sickness as a hangover, in retrospect...and went away for good after that nice evening meal which an actual illness probably wouldn't.

I'm orders of magnitude better than I used to be but there's still plenty of room to go on listening to and being nicer to my body.

For now it's bed with a good book; that's always a good step. And a moment to appreciate what a nice milestone nearly four hundred and forty days of continuous sobriety really is. It's become the new normal so much that apart from my nightly blog ritual I'm not sure I listen to that or give it enough credit either.

Day 436

Much better day.

Didn't sleep in - up by 7 - but that meant I got the shopping done before it got crowded.

Less family drama, no work phone calls, found a good pasta salad at the store, tried a new biscuit recipe (heavy cream instead of cutting fat into the flour - tons easier) and made the oatmeal cookies I know the family likes.

Plus things went easier with Middle.

I hope this "easier" theme continues into the week.

Day 435

Bah. Too much family drama.

Slept a lot: straight through from not-quite midnight till eight which is rare for me. Got drive-thru breakfast for everyone so I didn't even have to get dressed. Well, "everyone" in this case is me, ABL and Middle as Youngest is down in the other house with Spouse, Eldest and SiL. Middle went to work and I finished the edges of the upstairs hallway floor tiles which not only took longer than I thought but also made me more tired than I thought.  Such is being fifty and completely deconditioned, I guess...but that project included cleaning both that hallway and the front hallway so the house looks considerably better.

Then the freaking family drama started and my day went kerblooey.  I was on the periphery of a big chunk of it but then Middle and I had what started off as a blowup and ended up as a commiseration session and although I can see that ultimately it was beneficial it was also incredibly draining. It also highlighted other family issues many of which relate to this bifurcated two-households thing and overall I ended up really bummed.

Too bummed to play my computer game, too bummed to read any of the books I've got going, too bummed to knit...I loafed on the couch managing the occasional game of FreeCell on my phone.  I had pretty much All The Sad going for a while.  Then I had ice cream.  Two bowls, even though I'd already had dinner and although I do feel better - I'm managing to blog! - that's also setting off all the body image/calorie/self-worth/etc tapes in my head.

Oh and I almost forgot: work called three times during the day too - one of them was a physician colleague whom I find particularly annoying.

I'm thinking it's early bedtime is what I'm thinking.

But not before reminding myself that even though it was a hard week and this day had too much hard in it I'm still WAY better off by -not- responding to "hard" with a whole lot of vodka. I might wake up with hearburn from the ice cream but I won't wake up dripping sweat with a racing heart and if I do wake up I'll be able to get right back to sleep as opposed to guzzling water to dilute the bile and mitigate the headache.

Plus my house is cleaner and I'm more fully present in my own life.  Even if it's sucky, it's still better sucky sober than sucky drinking.

Day 434

The days keep adding up.  I like that.

I like having the week over, too. Was a particularly long one and I still have carry-over stuff on Monday but I was home with food and in my pajamas before six which is a great thing. The Big Tourist Event is happening this weekend so I'm happy staying home and hiding from the crowds.

Played my computer game (okay, it's Warcraft but not the current version; a previous version on a private server) all evening and that was nice.

There's still too much stress in the family but the most stressed part of it is at the other house so it's not directly spilling onto me...just indirectly.

And now I can curl up for good restful sleep and do plenty of it.  Have slept in anywhere from twenty to fifty minutes past my usual waking time every day this week so I'm looking forward to being able to sleep in as late as my body feels like it tonight.

Day 433

Kinda hit a wall today. Emotionally and mentally exhausted plus physically tired too. Spent a surprising chunk of my work day goofing off - just couldn't force myself to do stuff. Could be in a better place with the family too.

But sober...and that makes everything less bad.

Day 432

Really lousy day at work. Little to no sympathy from the family as there were plenty of issues on that front too.

Had not one but two bowls of ice cream for dinner. Played computer game till bedtime. Maybe not the greatest coping strategy but it beats booze by easy miles.

Day 431

Not a great day.

My whole team got completely ambushed in a phone meeting today - thanks affiliate manager. Nothing like being told we were having a meeting about the strategy for rolling out a pre-agreed-upon X and then it turning out to be us rolling out X to a hostile audience with the implication that X was not fully decided. Quite unpleasant.

Got good and mad about the tourist thrombi everywhere but especially in the doorway/cart area of the supermarket. Not a good place to have a big ol' discussion.

Also starting to get really tired of it just being -assumed- that I will be the calm and emotionally stable person ready to support whichever family member is having crisis du jour. I mean yeah I -am- usually competent and calm but it would sure be nice to get as much attention paid to my state of mind as it is to the more volatile players. Yes that's resentment and no it isn't particularly healthy or happy. I tried to make this evening all about doing the bare minimum of obligations so as to not -keep- all those pebbles of resentment but I think I only partially succeeded. Time for bed with a good book.

Tomorrow will be a whole new day. Maybe something wonderful will happen.

Day 430

Long day.

Was just exhausted most of the day: slept a good 45 minutes past my usual time and then felt like I was dragging myself uphill through mud all morning...and had yet more driving: the "Big Loop" of two separate site visits. Was all set to have a leisurely lunch afterwards but then I got so mad at Navient (the student loan company) that o realized it would be an utter waste since all I wanted to do was get back to my office so I could sit at my desk for what I expected to be a lengthy phone call.

It was storming hard when I got to the town where I had planned to eat so a drive thru worked out well after all...and by the time I got back to my office Spouse had investigated and solved the problem without my having to call. So that was good.

Didn't manage to get much done anyhow though. Stayed exhausted till after dinner then I caught my second wind and now I'm all alert...bullying down trying to unwind anyhow. Pleased with how the day wound up even if the dryer -is- broken again. Got everything done and even when I was really angry I figured out how to deal with the anger. This is still a fairly big deal as anger was the emotion which sent me to booze faster than any other. Not any more.

Day 429

I did it. Got all the way around.

Drove back from the other house this morning, cleaned ABL's room, did the shopping and even made banana bread. I am sober hear me roar. Tired though. Achy too - PM Motrin and bed for me.

Day 428

Overall a good day.

Oh sure the drive was long but Eldest made some Really Good eggplant parmigiana plus there was still tiramisu-flavored gelato from the last time I was here.

Best of all, though, was listening to Eldest and Youngest (who will be here in Chaos South for college visits in the next two weeks) having fun together. That was really nice.

I sure hope I'm up for the drive back tomorrow. Thought seriously about taking another day and calling out sick on Monday but ABL is expecting me back...work too for that matter. 

But now sleep.

Day 427

Fourteen months. Very cool.

Told Spouse first thing this morning and he was exceedingly impressed. Big hug, words of pride, emotional - that was nice.

Ended up not going for lunch but -did- finish my current novel at lunchtime so that was good.

Played more of my retro computer game tonight; that was good too.

Tomorrow and the next day I'll be taking Spouse and Youngest to the other house and coming back - haven't done back-to-back driving like that in several years. Very glad to have sobriety on my side for that: yet another thing made easier by the subtraction of alcohol.

Speaking of alcohol...I'm very much a believer in live and let live, to each their own, handle your high and everyone's journey is both their own and good. However I am getting -really-tired- of hanging around drunk people. Glad that cycle will be shifting.

Glad too, as always, for sober sleep. That's something for which I will always have gratitude. It's time to start settling down and have some now.

Day 426

Good day.

Rediscovered an old computer game and spent several happy hours totally immersed.

Hey tomorrow is 14 months; how cool is that? Might take myself to lunch but also might not as there will be quite a bit of work at the office. Still cool though.

Day 425

Long day.

Work not bad though I'm now stuck with another all-day conference in August. Ugh.

Snacked as soon as I got home then did errands and floor tiles so I never did have a proper dinner and now I'm too tired to care. But it's okay: bed is good too.

Day 424

Long tiring day. Slept very badly the night before and had too much car time throughout the day.

Bed at 8:30. Hoping for a better tomorrow.

Day 423

Recovery day.

Didn't feel as bad as I thought I might, actually. Tired but not overly achy. Decided not to do anything further on the project today though which was good because the power went out for a couple of hours in the early evening anyhow.

Bed super early tonight though. Like I'm already in bed. Time to chill with trashy genre fiction on the Kindle app.

Day 422

Productive day.

Made cinnamon rolls in the morning but they didn't turn out very well. Recipe warns against over-baking so I took them out too soon and the center one was pretty much still raw and had to be pitched  plus the icing wasn't great. But ya live ya learn.

The evening was when stuff really happened. I learned fifty is SO not forty which is so not thirty. Finally couldn't stand our staircase upstairs hallway one day more...it has grubby stained up wall to wall carpeting with a puppy-chewed spot and the "puppy"is now two and a half. I discovered there was enough leftover vinyl stickum tile from re-doing the laundry room to do hallway...so boom it was gonna be a go. Started demo tonight and I am BEAT. I did staircase and I was SO happy Youngest was interested because she was -good- help.  She ripped ou the hallway carpeting and I am glad of it because there was no way I could have done both on same night and trash day is tomorrow. Hallway still needs staples pulled and it all needs more vacuuming but getting nasty wall to wall carpeting out is a good start.

I just hope I can make it all look better. Staircase will have to be stained and then polyurethane-d and I haven't done any painting sorts of stuff for ages.

I also wish Spouse and Middle were a bit more enthusiastic but hey, the project can move forward anyhow.

Praise be for Motrin PM - took two and am in bed. Gotta work tomorrow but I will be stopping by the hardware store on my way home.

Day 421

For a day basically hanging around the house it was sure full of emotions. Ups, downs, scronchways...you name it. But not treating -any- of them with alcohol means I'm all calm and ready to wind down for good sleep and that's a huge and powerful thing. 

Got quite a bit of knitting done today too. Almost done with the first pattern repeat of my new cabled cardigan. The back and sides are done as one big piece and it's an extra large at something like six stitches per inch so each row takes a while. 

Making cinnamon rolls for brunch tomorrow - would never have planned that for a Sunday morning a couple years ago. Oh and speaking of food the whole family loved the oatmeal scotchies. Big hit there. 

Looking forward to sleeping in. 

Day 420

A year and six weeks. That feels pretty good. Haven't really lost any physical weight but I've lost so much emotional weight it's a fine trade-off. I like who I am so much better now.

For example: I wanted oatmeal cookies pretty badly earlier in the week so I picked up a bag of Pepperidge Farm Sausalitos. Figured you can trust Pepperidge Farm, right? Wrong. They sucked. Lots. To me anyhow - other people must think they are swell or they wouldn't be selling for a little more than 40 cents per cookie. So fine...only option is to make some. Which I did tonight...but due to not putting the butter out to soften till after dinner I didn't even start the process till almost ten. That just would not have happened on a drinking Friday night. Or worse: would have happened badly. Now, though, I have a rack full of Scotchies and Spouse has already said "you make really good cookies." I like raisins better but I'm definitely the minority in this house and butterscotch chips are plenty tasty plus they have a cool factor because I remember when they came out.

Anyhow it was a good way to end the day and I plan on having several for breakfast.

Day 419

It's the middle of the morning and I'm at work both of which are times and places I almost never post but I've finally actually -identified- this emotion which has been wearing me down all day and had to share a in a safe space.


Repressed fury.


The last - and identifying straw - was going to the cafeteria in my building and discovering that they were out of not just my preferred, second and third choices of caffeine-containing tea but ALL choices of caffeine-containing tea. On my way to the other on-campus cafeteria I finally realized that the feeling I was having over the tea was just more of the -same- feeling I've been having since yesterday.  There are numerous family- and work-related reasons and I'm not sure any of them can be resolved any time soon but at least I've figured it out...and not turned it into "Oh I'm depressed" or "I must be sad" or any other more "manageable" or "acceptable" emotion. Nope, I'm fucking _pissed_off_ is what I am. It's a start.


An important start too, because scanning back I realize I've had a whole half-century -lifetime- of being talked out of anger. My parents did it so often when I was a kid that the process became completely internalized...and then I went and married someone with parents who would take their anger at other people or situations out on their children, both emotionally and physically. I've actually heard MiL say "yeah...I would get mad at [her mother in law] and hit [Spouse and ABL.]" so even though he isn't actively trying to convince me I'm not feeling the feelings I have (that was my mother's game and boy was she good at it) it's not like he's comfortable with anger either.


So I'm probably not going to be DOING anything about it but one of my favorite lines from the series _Enterprise_ was when Dr. Phlox told Archer "just _be_aware_.  You'd be amazed what a difference it can make."

[Much later]:

Phlox was right. Just being aware does help. Mentally saying "of course you're mad and that's okay" is pretty powerful, actually. Somehow makes it all a little easier.

Now I'm in bed and tomorrow will be a whole new day. Maybe the cafeteria will have re-stocked. Maybe the drama will go away. Maybe something wonderful will happen.

Day 418

The family drama continues.

I've done a surprisingly good job of not stress-eating All The Carbs. No thoughts about having a drink, either, even though it's around.

Did a decent job of not letting the pebbles build up in my bag of resentment, too. Oh sure I was working on a big haul but then made the conscious effort to let it go.

Been having -crazy- vivid dreams though. Not quite nightmare but unpleasant all the same. Still...waking up out of a dream full of rats is better than waking up with a racing heart all covered in flop-sweat.

Day 417

Had to check that number three times - kept thinking "is it really that many?" Yes. Yes it is.

Whole train of thought about what to write tonight but it was in the car way earlier this evening and I've been with family since and now it's late. Perhaps another time.

Day 416

Long day.

Woke up and all I wanted to do was go right back to sleep which is -not- like me. Was irritable all day and had a scratchy throat and was just generally out of sorts. Could be stress, allergies, some bug...who knows? Spent a lot of after dinner time lying down which seems to be helping and am in bed for the night which should also help.

Zero words of wisdom today. Well except for the usual: sober really is worth it but it takes a while to get there.

Day 415

And home. With Spouse.

Got way too hungry & thirsty on the drive because girl-beagle just Doesn't Do stops well but once that was fixed everything was fine.

Till we had major family drama. Worked through that and everything was fine.

Till I went to bed and the first thing boy-beagle did was leap up and pee on the bedding. And the washer isn't empty. Well hell...but the couch is comfy and far easier than re-making the bed when I'm already sleepy.

Tomorrow's another day.

Day 414

Long damned day. Finally realized belatedly that "out of town weekend" does not necessarily equal "vacation" which kind of helped my mental outlook. Still hasn't been a very good weekend thus far and don't really expect tomorrow to be much better. Expect it to be worse, in fact.

But even lousy sober Sundays beat hung over Sundays  And no matter how lousy it is there will eventually come a bedtime and then a whole new day.

Was lying here in bed appreciating the size of four hundred and fourteen days. Fourteen months will be here before I know it...and the next Really Big milestone is 500 days...and that doesn't seem impossibly far away either.

Eldest was asking me in car this evening what it (long term sobriety) was like and this is what I said:

Well the first two weeks are -really- hard but then it eases up a little the next week and by then you're close to a month which gives you a boost. The second month goes better and then by the end of -two- months you feel a lot better.

She asked what the biggest changes I noticed were and I had to stop and think because "-everything-" was true but sounded too glib. First I said "my emotions got so much better -- instead of being like this [finger up and down fast in spiky zig zags] they're more like this [same finger making a much slower sine wave]." Then I said "and the -sleep- is so much better."

The thing I didn't say was "it took a while but my -spirit- started growing and still is."

Day 413

Long day. Worked till three then hit the road for other house.

Finally got here a bit past 8. Road repair put me a freaking hour behind schedule. My family of balloonheads did not even think of getting some food and having it waiting. Like the good local pizza I always want when I'm here. Fortunately they had leftovers. They remembered the booze, of course...which I don't do any more. Also my son in law has such bad BO today it stays in the room after he leaves...not sure whatinhell is up with that since it has never happened before.  Fortunately they are all cool with me having early bedtime so that's what I did. Bed with phone reading now; start over fresh in the morning.

Day 412

Survived the day. Was a good boss. Did all the home stuff. Too tired to knit but am working my way through the archives of a new blog so that was okay.

Tomorrow I'm knocking off work early so I can drive down to the other house and fetch Spouse and Girl-beagle back on Sunday. With work on Monday of course. Probably wouldn't have contemplated a whirlwind trip like that back in the overdrinking days.

Day 411

Another not-great day.

Morning was fine and I did indeed take myself to lunch but when I got back there was a second round of family drama and a bunch of work hell.

Went home by way of the ice cream shop. Waffle cone for dinner never hurt anyone, right? Right.

I am heartily sick of many things right now but bed and sleep will help - they always do.

Day 410

That's a really good number and I'm happy it keeps creeping up day by day.

Happy I got a lot of knitting done too. If I stick at my two current projects I'll have a couple nice things but with fine yarn and small gauge it's gonna take five-ever. (That's an expression I swiped from Youngest.)

But for choosing not to do any sort of celebrating this day still had -way- too much family drama. Shower-go-to-bed-at-nine levels of family drama.

But hey, it makes work look good so that's something. Plus I won $10 on a one-dollar scratch-off lottery card* so that's something too.

I'm thinking it's about time to take myself for lunch again...maybe tomorrow.

*I know lotteries are considered by many to be a voluntary stupidity tax but I grew up ina state which didn't allow -any- form of gambling till I was almost done with college so I still find lottery-ticket _vending_machines_ a novelty. I never waste more than $2 at a time and always play the one with the highest odds of winning (50% if you count free plays.)

Day 409

Really down all day. Not sure why.

Did minimum necessary work and had cereal for dinner. Felt a bit better as the evening progressed. Maybe I'll be back to baseline tomorrow.

Sober depressed is still better than drinking depressed. "Down" sure but none of that deep self-loathing. That's something.

Day 408

Quiet day.

Did the shopping and a lot of knitting. When I got the Big Cranky in the afternoon I had a little ice cream and a nap. Woke up all better; fancy that. Made lasagna for dinner and am happy to have the leftovers.

Sometimes boring is good.

Day 407

Better day. Did everything I wanted to do: wash bedding, ABL haircut, stop by office and finish up work ... and finally have that damned ice cream cone. Sat in the one empty booth all by myself to eat it too, which may well have ticked off the two women behind me getting iced coffee who got stuck with the talk table but too bad.

MiL was annoying with her attempts to be manipulative today but I didn't let it get to me. Easier not to do that when not all emotionally akimbo from overdrinking the night before.

I was just sitting here reflecting on one of the many totally unexpected benefits of sobriety: clean sheets. In my drinking days I never had my act together enough to get the bed stripped and remade in a timely fashion and when falling into it all drunk I never cared anyway. Even with all the night sweats. Now though it seems just a logical bit of self-kindness. I'm not up to every week yet, which is what that book _Unfuck Your Habitat_ recommends but it's still "way more often." I can't remember the last time I changed the sheets twice in the same month. Undergrad, maybe.

In any case that nice fresh bed will be waiting for me in a bit and I just had a nice bath to go with it. If I had known hust how _much_ better life would be without booze maybe I would have started sooner.  Still...better now than never and it gives a -lot- of time back so that's all good.