Thursday, July 13, 2017
It's the middle of the morning and I'm at work both of which are times and places I almost never post but I've finally actually -identified- this emotion which has been wearing me down all day and had to share a in a safe space.
The last - and identifying straw - was going to the cafeteria in my building and discovering that they were out of not just my preferred, second and third choices of caffeine-containing tea but ALL choices of caffeine-containing tea. On my way to the other on-campus cafeteria I finally realized that the feeling I was having over the tea was just more of the -same- feeling I've been having since yesterday. There are numerous family- and work-related reasons and I'm not sure any of them can be resolved any time soon but at least I've figured it out...and not turned it into "Oh I'm depressed" or "I must be sad" or any other more "manageable" or "acceptable" emotion. Nope, I'm fucking _pissed_off_ is what I am. It's a start.
An important start too, because scanning back I realize I've had a whole half-century -lifetime- of being talked out of anger. My parents did it so often when I was a kid that the process became completely internalized...and then I went and married someone with parents who would take their anger at other people or situations out on their children, both emotionally and physically. I've actually heard MiL say "yeah...I would get mad at [her mother in law] and hit [Spouse and ABL.]" so even though he isn't actively trying to convince me I'm not feeling the feelings I have (that was my mother's game and boy was she good at it) it's not like he's comfortable with anger either.
So I'm probably not going to be DOING anything about it but one of my favorite lines from the series _Enterprise_ was when Dr. Phlox told Archer "just _be_aware_. You'd be amazed what a difference it can make."
Phlox was right. Just being aware does help. Mentally saying "of course you're mad and that's okay" is pretty powerful, actually. Somehow makes it all a little easier.
Now I'm in bed and tomorrow will be a whole new day. Maybe the cafeteria will have re-stocked. Maybe the drama will go away. Maybe something wonderful will happen.