Wednesday, October 5, 2016

Day 138

Moody day.

Productive at work. Managed to stay away from the candy and noticed that the Eat Now voice is very similar to the Drink Now voice and their buddy Have More shows up just everydamnedwhere.

Home not so great...there were bouts of relatively mild family drama and I found myself collecting "unappreciated" pebbles right along with "sick of the grind" and "why do everybody else's issues take precedence over mine?" These would have all been cues/justifications/triggers to drink in the past...and to start doing it -while- making the meat-based dinner I wouldn't be eating anyhow.

Tonight I said to myself "now wait just a damned minute" and sat down with a nice handful of fruit-and-nut mix before doing -anything- else then decided to have my dinner first as I would resent cooking less if I weren't hungry myself. That turned out to be a good plan. I have to -keep- reminding myself that the solution to "hungry and (resentful/angry/sad) " is not to nibble here and there while doing the evening tasks but to -sit-down- with a proper amount of food, be it snack or meal. The resentment/anger/sadness may still be there but dealing with it is easier if I have taken the time to acknowledge the body and its needs first.

I seem to have a lot of trouble with that whole "acknowledge the body" concept -- too busy being a harsh and unkind critic. Self-care is still such a struggle. I can tell I'm going in the right direction but it is at an awfully slow pace and it is easy to backslide and even easier to self- criticize. I -really- need to fire - or at least reprogram - the asshole who lives in my head.

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