Day 152

A mostly good day.

Used a sewing machine for the first time in a couple years - assembled a top I'd had cut out all this time since the last machine died. It went together really well. After really hating and avoiding it for decades I kind of like sewing now. However I'm not all that keen on the finished item. Fun-print pajama top but I'm used to knits not wovens. Still it was a nice experience because sewing is intimately entwined with my mother in my head...and not in a good way. As I told Eldest this morning "I have SO many sewing issues it's a wonder I can do it at all." Proved to myself I still can, though, even with her voice in my head. Perhaps in spite of it.

Thought everything was cool as far as the whole drinking thing went but I was watching an old Mary Tyler Moore Show where a crusty female journalist goes out drinking with Lou and out of the blue That Voice said you used to drink a half pint of vodka; wouldn't that be really nice right now? The answer, of course, was "not in the long term, no," but I was surprised by how easily glamorized it had become. "Fighting complacency" is a whole lot more tangible all of a sudden and I was very glad I've got the accountability of daily blogging.

I'm still surprised the seemingly superficial external cues are hitting so hard. Probably there are multiple factors involved and maybe I will sort some of them out but the bigger issue is that I need to Be Aware. This is skirting a little too close to how things were last time and I don't want to eventually succumb so I need to pay more attention to self care and maybe back off the exercise -and- food control at least till I get my mother's birthday behind me. Big long walk every morning is terrific but trying to also cut calories - on vacation no less - sounds like something I'd tell a friend was "maybe overkill, don't you think?" Yes even if your physical -is- the week you get back. It isn't like your doctor is going to -yell- at you or anything; you've still made progress since two years ago.

I've written - on this very blog no less, and not even that long ago - that the whole "okay now start eating right and exercising" is, for me anyhow, a subtle trap...yet here I have been starting right down that same path. Glad I noticed it and even more glad I have this forum in which to really -realize- it.

Tomorrow I think I'll get something nice for breakfast after my walk. Maybe print out an adult coloring page or something. Be a little more indulgent.