Day 165

Better day.

Not great, but better.  Didn't need allergy medicine this morning and didn't fall asleep immediately after dinner.  Still draggy though and my mood is just terrible. Depressed, somewhat resentful, hugely sad...no particular reason for any of it, best as I can tell. Well, except for the course of human events ie my local situation (uncomfortable merger) and the national situation (this ghawdawful election that just can't be over soon enough.)

Sitting there tired and cranky and out of sorts at my desk this afternoon "oh why BOTHER with all this sobriety shit and all this walking to be healthy shit; it's not DOING anything" popped into my head loud as anything and startled the heck out of me. "Well right now Spouse has quit drinking and it seems to finally have stuck this time and you've wanted that for ages so that's a big enough reason even if you think everything else is complete crap" was my immediate response and by the time I started working on more self-motivating reasons the urge had passed, so that was good. But still. I know it's because I was just on vacation and now I'm not and I've gone and gotten sick on top of everything else but I had hoped -not- to get a lot of "oh to hell with all this" thinking this time around.

I don't know why, since it's probably a normal response of the tired cranky inner addict wanting its accustomed coping mechanism...but it's disconcerting nonetheless. The thoughts seem to come at times and places where it would be damned near impossible to actually act on them so maybe it's a safety valve of some kind but I'm still not crazy about it. On the other hand I know a woman at work who quit some seven or eight years ago and she not infrequently will say something like "good and stinkin' drunk is what this day needs" and not actually mean it or do it.  I dunno.

In any case I got through the day and did everything I had to do and out of the blue Middle up and did the dishes tonight which was just the sweetest thing and I told him so. I wish I could say that helped more than it did...but I'm so out of sorts and grumpy-cat that although it -was- really sweet and -did- feel nice I'm not as appreciative of it as I would normally be and not feeling as nice and fuzzy about it as I usually would...and that's probably fatigue and lingering illness too but it makes me sad as I'm always -wishing- for spontaneously nice things to happen and now one has gone and happened and I'm not even able to enjoy it properly. I think maybe that's a sign it's time to go to bed and try again tomorrow. Maybe I'll be able to enjoy it better when I look at that nice empty sink first thing in the morning and realize "hey, *I* didn't make it that way for a change."