Day 121

An out-of-sorts day.

After the grocery run I was moody. Not all the way to any particular emotion but not quite right either and ended up being angrysad. Took me a while to figure out my vague had become specifically negative because I had been triggered by binge-watching One Mississippi - once I figured that out I still felt just as rotten big at least I'd sorted out the rotten-ness which felt like progress. It eventually passed. Distracted myself with a new chocolate cake recipe   and an old computer game during some of the worst of it. Takes practice but I'm starting to realize that feeling emotionally bad doesn't last forever no matter how much you think it will at the time and therefore it doesn't have to be specifically treated.

 Chocolate cake reminds me: the structure of planning a week of dinner menus, provisioning them and then doing them is an overall good thing which never used to happen so regularly or completely before. Too much resentment and wanting to get out of it altogether or at least hurry up and get it out of the way so the drinking part of the evening could commence. There was always that Little Voice trying to angle for "aw can't I just pick up carry out while I get the alcohol?" Never mind that even I don't think much of the local carry out choices - I was all stuck on " I worked so I shouldn't have to cook TOO" never mind that I'm the best qualified in the family to do it, can produce better stuff than fast food and actually kind of like it when I don't have a packed-full bag of resentment already weighing me down. It was my own version of "gee if you put half as much energy into doing X as you do trying to get -out- of doing X you'd've been way do e by now."

Funny how it takes this long to see that.