Tuesday, September 27, 2016

Day 130

(I really thought it was only 129 till I double-checked.)

An angry day.

Called in a refill for ABL's primary prescription Saturday morning and the robo-voice told me it needed authorization for more refills and that the pharmacy would contact his provider. This morning I gave him the -last- pill so I walked to the drugstore at 1pm thinking surely it would be a done deal. Well the pharmacy had alerted the clinic but the clinic hadn't responded so no go. I begged four pills (it is an antipsychotic; hardly abuseable) and walked back in a towering g rage, far greater than the situation warranted but there it was. Called the clinic and spent 20 minutes getting treated rudely by people in my own healthcare system. Also getting told the pharmacy hadn't made contact.  I stayed civil but I thought I was gonna blow a head pipe for sure. Eventually I was told that it would be taken care of by the end of the day which in our teaching clinics should be five-ish as they don't book patients after 4:30.

It was actually Spouse who suggested "file a complaint, then."  You would think I could have figured that out on my own but I was ineffectually fuming. It was a good idea though so I emailed the senior administrator of the medicine clinics whom I know because we go to all the same meetings. I didn't complain or express anger just told the story as it happened. I had to go chair the monthly provider meeting in our department so I missed the very apologetic phone call she made within 10 minutes of my email but the message was waiting when I got back to my office.

Unfortunately what was not waiting was the damned prescription when I called the pharmacy at 6 because they close at 7. So there will be a Round 2 tomorrow.

Even at only a month away from turning 50 I still don't do anger well at all and I -really- don't do well with justifiable anger at the poor actions of others. I had huge rage alternating with an inexplicable desire to cry. It is hours later and the anger has passed but the sadness and resentment at having to expend so much energy on what should be an easy process are still in full force. The little kid in me is screaming "that's not fair! Why should •I• have to do more work because somebody -else- screwed up?"  Because that's just how it is sometimes, I know, but I've had several of those lately and it is really frustrating.

I didn't, however, want to drink. One small grace, I suppose. Didn't want to kill the anger with booze. And although I would have gladly eaten a lot of something really good, nothing in the immediate area counted as "really good" in my mind so I didn't even end up trying to kill the anger with food either. That's progress for sure...but I'm not in a very good mental place to appreciate the personal growth. I'm in a rather more whiny place do I'm hoping a good night's sleep will fix it.

At least when I have to Deal With Things tomortow I will be doing so hangover-free...that's always a good one to remember.


  1. When I first felt full-blown anger after I quit drinking, I loved it. I felt something fully! It just felt so damn good and liberating. Scared the bejeezus out of those around me who were used to easy-going, always slightly blurry Kary May, they didn't know what to make of me stomping around and putting my foot down. I enjoyed the hell out of that too.

    Glad you didn't feel the urge, that's big sign of progress.

  2. Those stomping mad feelings of frustration are hard!
    I find I often cry. Even when mad.
    It takes time to figure out all these intense feelings.
    Big hug.


  3. The longer I stay sober, the more I see how to manage my anger in a healthy way.
    But there are times I let my frustrations out in the car, or at home!
    So glad you didn't feel like drinking.