Day 345

Another pleasant valley Sunday.

(Okay I'm not really a big Monkees fan but that's a good song.)

Anyhow it was a low key usual kind of weekend day: grocery, a walk, laundry and dinner. Tried those no-boil lasagna noodles for the first time and was surprised they actually do work really well.

Kept plugging away at my novel and I'm thinking I'll finish it tonight. Otherwise not a bit of interesting anything but that's perfectly okay. Boring beats emotional rollercoaster most any day.

Day after tomorrow is all my parathyroid radiology stuff - kinda dreading it for no good reason at all. It won't hurt, ferpitysake. Probably just my usual unease about the unknown. But soon it will be over and I have a bag of my good high-end free-trade dark chocolate covered toffee for Tuesday night as a reward for getting through a sestamibi scan and an ultrasound as a sober person. Treats are important.

Day 344

Wow that's a lot of days. Awfully close to a year now and it's both very awesome and absolutely ordinary.

This morning the dog decided we were up for the day at six thirty which was okay by me. Had to overnight mail some documents to Eldest so I went into town at eight thirty. As I was parking in the town lot who should be walking by but my mother-in-law? Yup. A year ago I would have already been trying to fix that draggy dizzy probably headachy feeling and wanting nothing more than to get to and from the post office as quickly as possible so I could lie back down and push fluids. Running into MiL would have been a calamity about which I would have complained vociferously and no doubt used as an excuse for yet more drinking the next day:"any day that -started- with running into..."

Yeah well today I just took it in stride. Walked with her to the bank and back to her apartment which meant I got caught up on all the news about herself and her sister which is useful for the family overall and deposits in the Bank of Good Will are always a smart move. So that felt pretty darned accomplished.

[later] Bah. Tried a new recipe and when I copied it out of the book I forgot to copy the sugar so I was attempting to make miniature pecan pies (tastiest) with no sweetener whatsoever. I -wondered- at the idea of a savory pecan anything but went blithely on...fortunately it is a small-batch recipe. Just goes to show that getting sober doesn't cure all stupidity/forgetfulness/etc. As Robin Williams said, "I'm the same asshole; I just have fewer dents in my car." On the other hand I'm -taking- this particular oops better than usual. I'm really feeling the "oh well" that people say about stuff like this when in the past I would be totally beating myself up over it. Now I'm just trying to decide whether or not I want to re-make the recipe correctly tomorrow and I'm thinking "nah...probably not." Learned enough about the process I know I -could- make a successful batch but don't really see the need to do it. That's a good place to leave it. 

Day 343

Okay day.

Still cranky but escapist fiction seems to be adequate therapy. Having a bowl of ice cream first thing when I got home didn't hurt either. So glad it is Friday which means carry out for dinner and no need to make stupid lunches for the next day.

Surprisingly tired...but that's what bed is for.

Day 342

Moody day.

Did everything I had to do but was just in a funk all day - probably just all the week's events catching up to me. In addition to my own shit there's been family stuff going on.

At least when my cheeks got all flushed after dinner I realized it wasn't "oh gee what did I eat that's disagreed with me?" but a hot flash. Then I felt stupid for not figuring it out long ago but I'm the only child OF an only child and my mother had a surgical menopause at age 40 and got slapped on Premarin so I had no frigging clue. And I suppose if I'm stoic/stupid enough not to realize "that much pain for that long equals broken" then I'm stoic/stupid enough not to realize "flushed cheeks and a general sense of frustration is a hot flash."

I should maybe stop being so down on myself, huh?

Tomorrow is a whole new day.

Day 341

Better day.

Ridiculously tired all day but in a better headspace. Have adopted "full-on crone" as the term to describe this hey-now-I'm-menopausal thing because I find it amusing. Have accepted the whole fucking-_surgery_-man thing too.

It was double site visit day so I took myself to lunch in the nearby college town. Discovered the Thai place I wanted was closed on Wednesdays so I went to the Mexican place nearby and learned that a "torta" is basically just a sandwich although the bread is warm and soft and vaguely reminiscent of an English muffin. Interesting but not something I'll get again.

Been burying myself in the Kindle app on my phone - nothing like escapist fiction when life gets too damned complicated. Also been pretty committed to my walking lately too - haven't lost an ounce but I definitely feel better so it's worth the effort. As I've seen in social media..."gosh I really regret that workout" said Nobody Ever. I'm far from "workout" but I do always feel better after a walk even if I really really didn't want to start it.

Doin' okay. Hell, all things considered doing freaking great. Creeping up on a whole -year- sober which is awesome and still pretty unreal-feeling.

Day 340

Not a great day.


Woke up out of weirdly disturbing dreams to an email from my new endocrinologist. Remember how happy I was last week about how I wasn't going to need surgery?  Yeah, well...all the labs are back and now it looks like I DO need surgery:
----------------------
Your calcium as well as PTH level has slowly gone back up in the range consistent with diagnosis of primary hyperparathyroidism. In the absence of any other identifiable cause for low bone mass + with history of non-traumatic fibular fracture + Young age --> you are a candidate to be considered for parathyroid surgery by Dr. R If you agree, I will place an order for neck ultrasound and sestamibi scan to localize over-active parathyroid before sending you back to Dr. R.
-----------------------


Talk about feeling sucker-punched. I didn't realize till I got that email just how much I didn't want surgery.  Yeah, sure, logically I know it's the right thing to do otherwise my bones will continue to get increasingly flimsy and I definitely don't want another stress fracture - one was more than enough - but emotionally I'm not so great with any of this. Not the neck surgery which I KNOW carries the risk of injuring a certain nerve which would mess with voice, smell and taste...and definitely not the whole general-anesthesia idea: I read Coma at the impressionable age of 11 and it's stuck with me all these years, see.


Also, if I'm being honest, I'm not at all happy with the idea of a scar on my neck, either...oddly enough, my neck is one of the things I'm kind of vain about. I have such a short neck I always wear open/V-neck tops otherwise I get way too much snowman effect.  I hope it's a good-looking scar because I'm not going to change what I wear this late in the game.


In any case I spent the whole morning pretty much in a fog/funk/depression and my very practical-minded not-terribly-sympathetic family didn't really help all that much. I wanted sympathy over sensibility...but I'm doing better now. The drive to and from my site visit helped me come to terms with things and the practical aspects of scheduling the imaging (radioactive stuff! I might glow in the dark! Okay, not really) and the various visits helped too.


Boy I hope my fancy toffee comes today...I could use some candy therapy

[A bit later]: The doctor wanted to do estradiol and FSH levels to see whether or not I was in menopause (I had endometrial ablation 6 years ago; can't recommend it highly enough) because it makes a difference how they interpret bone scans. Those results are just in and I am post-menopausal. Yippy-skippy.  Surgery and menopause all in the same day; ain't it just so special ?!!?

[much later]: The toffee -did- come, praise be. Ate one package of 5 little squares all by myself then shared a second with Youngest and ABL. That leaves two more for later.

Of course this day being what it is, ABL had to get pushy about dinner. Yeah well. Dinner was insanely easy: Stouffers mac&cheese and microwave-steamed broccoli. Went into close-down-the-mountain mode and crashed on the couch both before and after dinner which seems to be helping as did texting with Middle about the events of the day.

Had dying bananas so I made banana bread which is now in the oven. I'm back on the couch till it's done then it will be off to beddy-bye. Banana bread and bed are definitely better than booze. Even on a lousy day like today. Especially on a lousy day like today.

Day 339

Good day.

Woke up way too early even by my standards - 5:40 ferpitysake! Once I was over that fact though, it was a pretty easy day. The meeting was as long and tedious as I expected but it was a simply beautiful day for my walk afterwards.

Got home & my 23&Me kit was in the mail as well as a used book I totally forgot I ordered so that was grand. The cheese enchiladas weren't as good as last time but still plenty tasty and I got all the chores done early in the evening.

I heard the knitting instructor who was the reason I went on the cruise last year might be doing one on a different cruise line in '18 or '19 so that right there is enough to push me into the saving-money mode I had been working toward anyway...we'll see how that goes. I tend to go through long chunks of frugal followed by bursts of spending. Gonna try to stay entertained with the toys I already have for a while.

Day 338

Weird day.

Up early, got the shopping done.

Spent most of the day seeing if I like quilting. Nope. Too fiddly.

Went into town to have my walk on sidewalks but didn't like that either because there were tourists (already - sheesh) and I was hungry. Cut the walk short.

On the other hand my new socks are fantastic. They're Bombas and totally live up to the hype. One of my new goals is to convert my entire sock inventory; that will take a while as they're on the pricey side. Worth it.

Realized around dinner time I was Really Effing Tired so made it a bed-by-eight-twenty kind of night. Not keen on tomorrow; not only do I have to ferry the kid in early for her daily AP History study sessions but I have my miserable monthly 90-min meeting. Think I'll be taking my walk right afterwards...that's the plan, anyhow.

Day 337

Flopping on the couch at 8 is kinda like going to bed for the night at 9, right? Especially if there's a good chance of dozing off?

Decent day despite the cold and gloom. Finished the top out of my last yard goods order so I have something brand new to wear at my miserable 90-min meeting on Monday. This means I'm finally done with making clothing and can experiment with quilting up the scraps/leftovers. Gonna make a placemat because I'm not sure at all that I will even -like- quilting; it might be far too fiddle. Only one way to find out.

Meanwhile I also managed to eke -some- light out of our miserable basement fixtures. I got rather taken by the contractor who finished the basement; one aspect is the fluorescent light fixtures. They are without a doubt the cheapest and flimsiest versions I have ever seen and among other flaws don't have a notch to get the bulbs in and out. They need flat-out replaced by an electrician but I managed to get one out of four bulbs working in each of two separate fixtures which is more overhead lighting than we've had there in over a year.

Tried making sausage gravy with soy-based vegetarian "sausage" and it was as so-so as one would expect. As a general rule of thumb, stand-in versions of things usually aren't as good as the genuine article and I knew that but "sucker for the new-to-me thing" won out.

Also took a walk...hey when I write it all down like this it seems like a lot - no wonder I'm tired! Think I'm going to go to bed by way of the kitchen and the las biscuit from breakfast with some butter and honey.

Day 336 Eleven Months

Yup, it's here: I did it!

Eleven months. Almost a year. Twelve months ago I was feeling so down on myself and miserable and wistful about even the -idea- of this much sobriety and now I've done it and yeah, it IS much better.

Not only did I order the 23&Me genetic thing but I got two books for my Kindle app and a used paperback AND some  high-end gourmet toffee.  Pretty good haul, I'd say. Plus work turned out to be light enough that I could leave for the day at a bit past three which pretty much never happens any more.

Took a little nap (super-exciting and living on the edge, right?) and had a nice dinner and did some sewing and it was all just so low-key...and now it's not even ten and I don't have to worry about whether there's enough booze or if I'm at the right stage of drunk or if I should be pushing fluids so I won't feel so bad in the morning and how late I can sleep in and....nah, none of that thrash any more. Didn't seem like a thrash at the time - seemed normal at the time - but you get so much more LIFE back when you're not self-embalming every night and extra on the weekends.

Oh and a couple-three days ago I ordered myself some fancy socks, too - almost forgot about that. I have so many goodies coming in the mail soon...go me!

Now I think I'll go to bed with one of my new electronic books...there's nothing like being able to lie in the dark and still read. Tech is grand. Sober is grand. Actually taking -care- of oneself is grand.

A high of only 48 degrees F tomorrow...not so much.  But hey, it is what it is, right? Excuse to stay in, if nothing else.

Day 335

What an annoying day.

Work was just one long string of issues all day long. One of them was so damned dumb I had to take a walk around campus to cool down. Healthier than fuming at my desk, that's for sure.

Somewhere along the way I realized "been back from vacation less than a week and my psoriasis is acting up." All this time I thought it was family triggered. Silly fucking me. On the one hand I'm happy it -isn't- the family but on the other hand it's not like I can change much about the job either. That's what steroid lotion is for, I guess.

The stink-cherry on this bullshit sundae of a day was dropping ABL's mini-pizza cheese-side down as soon as it came out of the toaster oven. Fortunately I had another in the freezer. Even more fortunately I -didn't- have a meltdown...kind of impressed myself there.

I did, however, eat not all the carbs but definitely a lot and called it dinner.

Tomorrow is eleven months!!

Day 334

Another in-bed-by-9 day.

Finally had my endocrinology appointment and the good news was that my new doctor is absolutely stellar in every way with the better news being that I certainly won't need parathyroid surgery. The bad news was that there was a whole big bunch of data from 2008 in my electronic chart that _wasn't_my_stuff_. Like a chest X-ray when I haven't had one of those since I was eleven. She and I both thought that was pretty worrisome. Clearly some kind of mismatch but when I emailed our chief information technology doc about it he turfed it to the Privacy Office which I thought was kind of a cop out.

Had an absolutely miserable meeting from 5-6 which ran over till 6:15 and the only tangible things I took away from it were that there will be yet another evaluation form coming up soon and that two of the high-end docs -really- hate each other.

I knew the meeting would suck so I planned an easy dinner and saved myself a nice dark chocolate Easter egg to have the moment I crossed the threshold. That was all well and good but for some reason I got alternatingly angry and sad after dinner for no good reason...or maybe from what seemed like too much stupidity for one day. In any case I did the evening things I -had- to do and then just went the hell to bed.

Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Day 333

A really good day.

This morning as I was walking up the hill from parking lot to office I realized that it isn't just the lack of hangover that makes sober mornings better; it's the lack of regret.

Took a long walk at lunch with my totally dumb fun podcast, tried a new recipe for dinner and had enough energy/momentum/whatever to do three minor household fixes that have been needing done for many months.

Thought again of sitting at my Actual Computer in the family room for a wordy post but Youngest was heavily into a video game on the TV and I didn't want to be the distraction in her peripheral vision. It's not really the quantity of the blog post but the doing of the blog post which matters.

So I finished a top instead. As I was sewing the bobbin thread ran out -just- as I finished a seam but not -during- the seam. That was a true blessing.

Once "tired" hit (and hit hard) I went to bed. With books, of course.

Day 332

The first day back to work after vacation is always draining.

Got through it though - when you know your time will be truly productive because there's no post-booze physical and emotional misery you can plan out how best to deal with the day and have it actually work.

Getting back to the regular household routine is good too...I was so sick of it before vacation I felt like breaking things but the away-time helped me get my perspective back.

And speaking of "back"....I got MY car back finally and it just makes everything so much nicer any time I have to drive. Didn't realize (or maybe didn't -let- myself realize) how suboptimal sharing the other car was.

And now to sleep. Big fan of good sleep.

Day 331

Busy day. Bed-by-9:30 kind of day.

After a long day with a big to-do list it is just so nice for the default reward to be "climb into bed" instead of "down a drink or two." Going to bed is restful and soothing and simple. Drinking, though I always -thought- it was a relaxing reward, just made everything more complicated. Sleep, doing stuff...all of it. Oh sure I was totally all about -deserving- the booze for years and years and convinced myself it made things better not worse but now that I've been away from it a while (11 months on Friday!) I can see it was all just a big illusion.

I had planned to sit down at my Real Computer with Actual Keyboard and do a big long post but by the time I did all the back-home things I realized bed was what I needed. Maybe I'll be all verbose another day.

Feels good to be finally treating myself more like the way I would treat a beloved relative. Wish I'd started catching onto it decades ago.

Day 330

A good day.

Sad night because it's the last day of my vacation but it was a good day. Went to the mall with Eldest which was actually a fairly big deal as home is so damned rural. We had a really nice time. 

Been a good vacation. Wish it could be longer. Trying not to think of all the stuff I gotta do when I get back. 

Day 329

Lazy day. My phone says I only barely broke 3000 steps.

Big food day too - Spouse & I finally had anniversary lunch. Good thing Eldest and I have big shopping day planned for tomorrow. Then I drive home Sunday.

I'm in that weird emotional place of not wanting the vacation to be over yet also starting to miss home  and routine.

Still really glad to be sober. Life gets so much easier.

Day 328

A more challenging day.

Eldest and SiL returned which changed the household dynamic. MiL still thinks I'm having Easter dinner at her house even though I have told her no twice already. Car shuffle. Realization that my vacation is more than half over. None of it bad, exactly, just more stressful and then I got an irritated spot on my left eye. Time to call it a night.

Day 327

Good calm day.

No more free floating rage or sadness. Willing to write the whole thing off as viral and/or hormonal. Feeling much more like myself again.

Once more I was reminded how great waking up rested and totally functional is - had an early appointment for the car and it was just no trouble to be up, dressed and out the door on a -vacation- day. Even if it is just routine stuff being fully -present- is just so much better. Doubly so on vacation which for so many years was a three syllable word for "drink freely without worry about getting up in the morning."

Breaking the cycle of drink/up too late/bad sleep/up too early/repair strategies/repeat is the best thing ever for vacation. You get so much -time- back.

Day 326

Quiet day.

Took a four hour nap in the middle of the day which seems to have made the anger vanish so now I'm wondering if the anger was of the overtired tantrum-y toddler variety. In any case I'm glad it's gone.

Beautiful weather today - downright hot this afternoon. Not one single Actual Task today; I did some crocheting and finished my novel. Tomorrow I get the oldest of our three cars fixed up so we can eventually transfer it to Eldest and SiL...but that is the only chore remaining for the whole vacation.

So far, so good.

Day 325

I wish I knew why I was so -angry- all the time. Seems like now that I'm on vacation and don't have lots of stuff going on it is my new default state. Hard.

Slept in till ten past nine today; that was something. The weather was absolutely beautiful today; that was nice too. Even saw the first violet of the year. Had some good food too. Just wish I knew what was behind all the anger. Guess it will come in time

Day 324

A decent day.

Woke up with a vicious muscle-tension headache which put me in a stunningly bad mood till I killed it with aspirin and half a muscle relaxant tablet. It cast a huge cloud over everything and had me in a vile mood - unbelievable to think I accepted damned near daily morning headaches for -years-. 

Later in the afternoon I found myself in a huge fit of anger. Lots of little things and a couple not so little things had all brewed into a huge bunch of rage, far out of proportion to any of the things themselves...but I rode it out and didn't even end up overeating. Got busy with a cleaning project instead and rolled with it. Eventually it dissipated. 

Tomorrow is only Monday and I don't drive back till Saturday so that's one good thought and the other good thought is that I have not one damned thing planned all day. Well, except for walking the dog in the morning but I can do that in pajamas and go right back to bed if I feel like it.

Day 323

First real day of vacation and it has been really good.

Got up at 6, was on the road by 6:30 and the driving was all done by11. It was all so easy.

I blog every day to keep from getting complacent about my sobriety even though I don't always talk about it explicitly. Today though it was just really obvious that sobriety is better. Without it no doubt I would have used "on vacation" as a reason to drink as much as, if not more than, usual. Which means I would have had lousy sleep and felt miserable for the drive...plus not been nearly as safe a driver, frankly.

Sober meant good sleep and an easy drive and the only thing I was when I got here was hungry. I gotta say, the whole Being Present thing is worth it.

Day 322

A good day because as of 4pm I am on _vacation_. Already in bed so as to sleep early, awaken early and get that 4.5 hour drive -done- early. You can do that pretty easily as a sober person.

This time I have toys and no need to drive all over everywhere so I'm thinking it is already a better gig.

I also need away from -here- for a good solid week as both the weather and ABL have been getting on my nerves of late. A week of sleeping in, no real responsibilities and nice warm sunny days should help a lot. Plus Eldest and SiL are going away that same week (up here actually to finish some business) so Spouse and I will have much deserved just-us time. Looking forward to it.

Day 321

A better day.

Colin Powell was right: no matter what the problem, it will always look better in the morning. Today Spouse and I talked about the fact that although the drainage issue was indeed a problem, it wasn't nearly as super-urgent as the first repairman seemed to indicate and further reflection upon how he acted toward Spouse and Eldest during the estimate made us conclude that he was doing too much of the hard sell. While I'm down there on vacation next week we will get a second estimate, but we're not going to immediately rush right into a huge remediation project.

But boy do people want us to borrow money - my cellphone rang more today than it has in the entire 15 years I've had one. Once I got home for the night I finally wised up and told the two most persistent callers that I'd gone with another lender...

...which leads right into a particular pet peeve of mine: whatever happened to telephone manners?  I wasn't allowed to PLACE a call in my childhood till I was able to say "Hello this is SamKD, may I please speak to Paul ?" (He was my best friend at the time.)  We held all three children to the same standard but every single time I answered the phone today I got "is this SamKD?" Rude, rude, rude. For the sake of expediency I replied "yes, it is..." and waited but from now on out I'm saying "You called me; who is THIS?"

Anyhow that whole big ugly issue is reasonably resolved for now.  You can probably tell I'm at a real keyboard instead of tippy-tapping on my phone from bed; I'm far more verbose than usual.

Today was also my Big Loop in which I travel to two separate branch facilities for a total of 140 miles from start to finish and I had to do it in the pouring rain -- I am SO sick of driving in the rain. For compensation I took myself to lunch at the one reasonably-local Thai place and liked it very much although in future I need to order my food as a "1" on the 0-5 spicy scale.  Two was still tasty but a tad more spicy than I'd truly like.

Stuffing myself full of good curry made the rest of the afternoon far more tolerable. As soon as I got home I attacked the now-refrigerated giant cookie and discovered that if one could chisel it out of the pie-pan (yes, very well greased beforehand--didn't help enough) it was actually pretty good.  So that improved too.

Then out of the blue Middle walked through the door - what a nice surprise! He said he wanted to see me before I went on my vacation and it was very nice indeed. He seems to be doing well which warms my heart.

World events, however, don't warm my heart at all. I haven't had the television on at all in a good six weeks but Spouse said that I ought to turn on the news as our President had ordered a missile launch against Syria so now I'm listening to CNN for the first time in at least four months. I guess I'm glad I heard Trump's (very short) speech as it happened but the whole thing is just depressing.

On the other hand I wasn't sleepy anyhow so this is at least interesting.  For maybe another half hour I guess.

Oh I almost forgot: I think my treat for eleven months (which will be the 21st which is only two weeks away) will be finally doing 23AndMe. Now that I've eliminated the biggest threat to my health it might be worthwhile to get some genetic information, y'know?

We certainly live in interesting times.

Day 320

Some days just suck.

Stuck at home waiting for signature-required delivery so tried a new dessert I saw online: giant samoa cookie. Also cut out last piece of scrub top fabric. Felt pretty good about all that. Went to work and had an uneventful hour.

Then learned that standing water around other house turned out to be inadequate sump pump and piping when house originally built. With special bonus of two new cracks in poured concrete basement. Price tag to fix? Low five figures. Yeah...five. And this is "caught early; no leaking anywhere yet."

Meeting I expected to last only 30-45 min ran for 70. During meeting I thought "hey, isn't that what homeowners insurance is for?"

Got home and had shower bath first thing. Self care after hard news is key. Good thing I did too because after the bath I learned that homeowners most likely will not cover this as it is "water damage" but not the kind of natural disaster flooding which would cause our flood insurance to kick in. While waiting for homeowners insurance agent to email back started investigating home equity loans/credit lines which resulted in my cellphone blowing the hell up with calls - apparently everybody is super-eager to become our debtor. Who knew? Not I, and it seems kinda sleazy.

Then the dessert sucked.

So after a brief respite on the couch I have ignored the dishes, taken Motrin PM and gone to bed. Even if tomorrow sucks just as badly (ghawdforbid -another- chunk of change that size) I will be rested and better able to face it.

I hope.

Day 319

That number slowly gets bigger. Good.

Easy work day but grumpy anyhow in large part due to the weather: dreary cold rain all day. Plus a bunch of stuff on the family To Do list.

Got myself a cookie at the grocery but also an even better treat: splurged and got prepackaged deli sandwiches for ABL's lunch every day this week and since I had already splurged on single-serving starches and sweets I turned "making lunch" into literally just grabbing things and putting them in a bag. Can't justify doing it -all- the time but this week,being squeezed between the "working" long weekend and my Actual Vacation is sort of weird anyhow and needs all the help it can get.

Bed early again - that always helps too. Oh and although it was dreary I did walk to the drugstore and back today and getting a walk, even a small one, always feels like good self-care.

Day 318

Home again. Such a long day. Definitely not my preference to do the drive then go to work all the same day but it's not every day a department merger officially happens either.

Months of sobriety meant I was clear headed enough to be -able- to have a big long day like today...I can't even begin to imagine how things would have worked out if I had tried to cram so much into one day when I was still drinking. That's always a nice boost for the New Me.

But now to sleep - Youngest has before-school review sessions for her Advanced Placement US History course every freaking school day between now and the May exam and they count as part of the grade. Means getting up 30-45 min early for the foreseeable future. Joy. Sure feels good to be curled up under the covers by 9 though.

Day 317

Finally it winds down.

Eldest and SiL are safely home and I leave in the morning for the other house. Glad the working vacation is over. Real vacation starts next weekend and is right back here but without any set obligations or the Kids because they have business back north and will be leaving the day after I arrive and returning the day before I leave. That should feel more like vacation because nothing will be hanging over my head and I will remember to bring toys this time: crochet project, coloring supplies, different reading material. Also the unexpected cold snap will be gone so I can take walks which always help even when I don't think they will.

Glad I had this blog and so many days: my sobriety felt very fragile this trip. It is intact so hurray for me.

Day 316

Wow 316 is a big number. Good to see it too as it has been one angry day.

Went to sleep last night angry, woke up better then was angry again by nine and it's been coming and going in waves ever since. Nobody can push one's buttons better than family. But hey, I'm almost entirely through the day by now and I didn't drink so that's a win.

Have eaten way too much carb both relative to protein and categorically not just today but this whole long weekend...but in the grand scheme of things I don't much care. It isn't that I want to drink but that I want to Not Feel and alcohol used to be the easy ticket to Noshitsgivenistan. Now that's off the table so I've got to - gasp, horrors - live through the emotions and feel all the feelings. I'm a lot better at dealing with anger than I was a few months ago but it is still hard. Boredom is hard too and that's been next up after anger this weekend - I didn't bring any yarnstuff and my books are turning out to mostly suck.

But this too shall pass. Every day is a new chance to -not- be sucky. And even really lousy sober days contain the one gem of "this would be so much -worse- with a hangover or with fresh booze on board." So there's that.