Day 15

Today I wanted to drink.

It's a boring Saturday and the phone call which woke me up from my nap wasn't worth it and because I was looking at the charge-card online site I knew the family down in Chaos South had bought booze but not mentioned it which just irritated me no end and then the mail came with Eldest's last college-job paycheck and when I mentioned it we agreed I'd just deposit it in our account and transfer the amount to her account the next time I was at the bank machine.

The car was at home so I thought "and I could do that now, I suppose, as much for something to do as anything," and immediately That Voice said "sure, because the liquor store is just half a block up the street and you could get a half-pint of vodka while you're there and that will make the afternoon much less boring, won't it? And besides, look at all the stuff you got through this past week and none of the rest of the family gives a shit anyhow so why bother?"

Because I feel better without it, that's why. Took a fair bit of doing to get over that particular hump, especially as it -is- such a dull afternoon and I decided not to leave the premises at all since it's safer that way when I'm in an "iffy" mood...but the urge seems to be passing.  Mostly passed, in fact.

This blog has already paid for itself in accountability because part of what helped shut up That Voice was knowing that if I did drink and reset my counter to zero I'd have to share that fact and I'd much rather share that just as Caroline Knapp said (more or less) "you sit and wait for the urge to pass and you think it never will but eventually it always does."  Which the rational part of my brain knew despite how much That Voice was throwing a tantrum.  The tantrum is pretty much over now and the urge seems to have passed...though I'm still staying home just in case.  Can do the shopping first thing tomorrow morning when the liquor stores aren't even open yet just to avoid temptation. Why make it hard on myself?