Friday, June 3, 2016
Yes, Day 14 is winding down and although I've been out of sorts I haven't felt like drinking so that's something.
Woke up just utterly exhausted despite having decent sleep. Draggy all damned morn--no, make that really draggy all morning and then just sorta draggy all afternoon and of course Friday means taking the autistic brother-in-law bowling which I was in no mood to do but did anyhow and broke out in a weird sweat during the first game. Got that same sweat last night out of the blue too. I can't imagine it's serious at all but it's annoying and unpleasant, that's for sure.
In any case, breakfast was surprisingly excellent - the cafeteria special was a lacto-ovo "Mexican Breakfast Bowl." I'm such a cockeyed optimist I thought that was the herald of a great rest-of-the day but no, that pretty much turned out to be the highlight. Work wasn't especially awful but it wasn't great either. Oh well, it is what it is.
Got through work, got home, took ABL bowling where everything rubbed me the wrong way: after every frame he had to traipse off to the water fountain and take a drink because bighawd it was -there- and although usually his ritualistic behaviors don't bother me too much today was one of those days where everything annoyed me. When the Other Bowling Family showed up I thought I was gonna blow a head gasket just because of their presence....which is absolutely ludicrous because if anything we're invading their turf, not the other way around. Open bowling is from 6 to 9 so I take ABL right at six and we're the only people in the place. Then at 6:30 an older couple and their probably-about-my-age daughter all come in and the three of them take two lanes because they each have their own balls and one of them has a second ball and they spend some time chatting up whoever is behind the counter and they have their own shoes too so clearly they are Way More Serious about bowling than I or anyone in my family will ever be...and for three or maybe four weeks in a row now not one of them has ever smiled back at me (or Youngest when she's with us.) It's not like I want to be their friends or anything but since we're the only people ever in the place and we're the -same- only people you'd think they'd at least kind of acknowledge our presence, right? Wrong. Most of the time I'm all live-and-let-live what-EV-er about it but tonight -that- really got under my skin too.
Went to the grocery store after bowling and that was a prime example of "no good deed goes unpunished" because ABL decided to haul out ritual shoe-tying behavior not once but three separate times in the space of a 20-minute shopping trip which wouldn't bother me if he didn't block a whole damned aisle while he did it. After the second time I told him if he did it again we were leaving but of course he waited till we were in the very LAST aisle and -then- did it a third time thus calling my bluff because although I've done it in the past he sensed correctly that I was too tired/cranky/fraught with emotion to just walk away from the full cart that close to being done. Especially since I had put the good chocolate in the cart four aisles back and was almost to the deli case with the prepackaged Indian entrée that was going to be my dinner. Ran into someone I know with whom I would have liked to chat longer but ABL, upon seeing two-liters of soda in the deli area, interrupted with "Canada Dry!" not once but twice and started the wind-up behaviors which ultimately lead to "Agitated Autistic Adult In Public" if left unchecked. Sigh.
He and I had a discussion about that in the car on the way home - well, okay, I did all the talking after he announced in that sort of hesitant-yet-still-a-statement tone he has "been good boy in the supermarket." Kept my cool and even started with "well, mostly good," but informed him that we weren't going shopping again till he had Velcro sneakers. He seemed fine with that, actually.
I started in on the self-care just as soon as the groceries were stowed - pajamas, some of the good chocolate, a tall glass of iced tea, saag paneer, more chocolate and lying down on the couch. Took every bit of a full ninety minutes but I finally started feeling less like chewing the legs off everything. In fact I feel better now than I have at any point during the day thus far.
Better enough to be able to finally appreciate that two weeks ago right now I was already drunk enough to be getting emotional and forgetful and ultimately sleepy...and had started in just as soon as I'd gotten back from bowling because I disliked bowling so much. This way is better. I had an even lousier day but getting through it and not immediately starting to numb myself means I can take time to -acknowledge- that I did the unpleasant things and survived. Sober also means that although I'll still probably wake up at 1-ish for a bathroom trip because I've been thirsty and drinking lots of tea and water tonight, I won't -also- wake up sweaty and heart-poundingly miserable at 3:30...and again at 4-something and again at 5-something...possibly for the day despite lying there -trying- to go back to sleep. Once I'm finally up for the day I won't spend the first half of it in that nonspecific n
I just can't praise sober sleep enough. It is totally worth waiting for. In fact "I sleep so much better without it" and/or the converse "It ruins my sleep" are both great reasons all by themselves to offer up to anyone asking why you're not partaking. Takes every single bit of 7-10 days if not two full weeks to -get- to the decent-sleep stage and it's got to be every night sober without skipping or you're right back to Square One but for someone like me who was drinking pretty much every single night and no less than every third night the difference is just amazing. There's something about non-drugged sleep that makes it easier to deal with all the rest of the shit going on in the awake parts of the days.
In fact I'm really happy that it's Friday night because that means I can stay up till I get naturally sleepy then sleep until I wake up tomorrow and at two weeks sober that's a pretty big deal.