Saturday, August 6, 2016

Day 78

A head cold. Joy.

I suppose it's not entirely unexpected given that I've been having a lot of negative emotions in the past week and then rode all those rides at the county fair three days ago...but that doesn't make it any less unpleasant.  I very seldom get sick so I'm an awfully poor sport when I do, although it's all internalized. I have a couple relatives who just will not shut up bitching and moaning whenever they catch a cold and it annoys me no end so I refuse to be the same way.

Anyhow.  It was definitely a plus that the cold decided not to start in until midafternoon as I had promised ABL Red Lobster for lunch.  We were there and back again before the left side of my face started watering up and it was another good couple hours before I realized that no, it wasn't just a temporary allergic reaction, dammit...but it did explain the weird hot/cold/clammy/sweaty most of the day before that I was chalking up to hormones. Hell, it might even explain some of the big unexpected sad yesterday too.

Speaking of yesterday, I totally forgot to mention that night before last I had a drinking dream. Yup, was with people I know only slightly in an unexplained social setting and was blithely standing around a table of mix-your-own talking away about this and that and mixing a hefty gin and cola (!?)  Sat down with it at a long table still chatting away, slurped a good third of it down (not tasting anything at all other than vaguely sweet - again !?) and only after, in the dream, feeling flushed and hot in my forehead and cheeks did I realize "OhmahGHAWD!  But I don't drink!  This is BOOZE!" Then of course the instantaneous guilt set in and one of the big thoughts was "but I'm past seventy days!" and another passing thought was "If I dump the rest of it does it count?" followed immediately by "of COURSE it counts; you're FEELING it!" Then there was a general feeling of emotional awfulness and the setting/people faded to black...

...and then I woke up.  Instantly incredibly grateful to realize it was only a dream.

Didn't have anything like that today, praise be. The other praiseworthy thing is that once I realized I did in fact have the early stage of a head cold I quick figured out menus and did the grocery shopping now, on a Saturday night, so that tomorrow I don't have to get out of my pajamas at all if I don't want. Really good timing too because in the half-hour since I've been home the cold has evolved from scratchy/watery to sneezing/running with mucus.

A year or so ago I would have used "head cold" as an excuse to drink a little more than usual.  Not that it took much of an excuse.

Which reminds me: although I'm definitely proud of every milestone along the way and will enjoy the heck out of getting back to 100 days, the Big Prize this time is definitely a year.  I want a sober birthday really badly...and only after stumbling at the Day 202 mark did I realize just how long I've envied people who have them: years. Probably decades, even.  I can recall still being in my twenties and thinking that people who had given up alcohol had something I wanted...

...and now I finally want it badly enough.  I think. I hope.  This time around the Big Quit was July 2, 205 and I got to 56 days, fell off for 9 and got back on for 202...but then it took 45 days - six and a half weeks - to get the momentum going again.  I'm scared it would take even longer if I started back up again now and although intellectually I know there's no fun in it any more the whole booze game is so insidious and sneaky.  Since my dream I've been thinking maybe I better be a little hyper-vigilant about the fighting complacency thing.

But I can be hyper-vigilant while lying on the couch with a box of tissues.  I'd go all the way to bed but it's too early to walk the dog one last time. 

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