Day 95

Another not-great day.

Had to stop and think how many days it was though so that's something. Before counting up I was all "more than 90 but I dunno how many more than 90."

Otherwise it was kinda lousy. One of the cars needed expensive enough repairs that we are going to have to cancel our January vacation as this was the latest in a whole long string of unforeseen expenses. On top of all the other stressors that was enough that I had to take time out this evening to have a bit of crying.

Also felt fairly put-upon which is never good...but I'm so freaking tired I can't work up a good case of resentment.

One nice thing: Spouse again expressed happiness for my sobriety and said "I'm so proud of you...and so envious." I said that it was really hard at first but it gets easier and then you start feeling better not just physically but emotionally and you get some self-pride. All true.

I'm starting to wonder if I might be either sick or depressed though because I had planned since yesterday early afternoon that today I would go have my nice 90-day-treat restaurant lunch but when the time came it just felt like way too much effort. That's not like me. I'll give it a couple weeks but if it isn't any better by then I might consider seeing my doctor as I haven't been interested in my usual hobbies for a good four to six weeks now and that isn't like me either.

I did win $5 on a $1 scratch-off lottery ticket which was nice but there again I seem not to have my usual glee over such a thing. Y'see gambling is tegulated at the state level and I grew up in a state that was very anti-gambling: no horses, no casinos, no riverboats and definitely no freaking lottery anything. That started changing when I was in college but the prohibition had been so deeply ingrained that I was stunned to see lottery -vending-machines- the first time I was in a grocery in my current state. I still find them decadently amusing so I play the cheapest game ($1) with the highest odds of winning something: 50% chance of getting a free play for the next time. It is all for fun as I don't really expect to win anything other than a free play although once three years ago I won $40. Anyhow the one-dollar cross are usually a source of fun and a $5 win is rare enough that I would normally be more happy/excited about it. Can we say "flattened affect"? Maybe.

On the other hand I enjoyed this short story very much today so I'm not completely shut down

http://clarkesworldmagazine.com/kritzer_11_15/

We will see how it goes. I'm happy to be getting closer to 100 and looking forward to that milestone.