Tuesday, March 21, 2017

Day 305

Ten months.

Totally did take myself to lunch and it was great. Weird thing, too: after eating far more food than I ever do at lunch including a mocha mousse I walked out of the dark noisy restaurant into the afternoon and was truly dazed for a bit. Thought quite clearly "damn, it's like being buzzed...but on rich food." Once I acclimated to the light and the lack of background noise it was over but interesting at the time. Was -stuffed- all afternoon and evening to the point of skipping dinner entirely. Definitely an outside-the-usual event to mark the occasion.

Then in the evening I went to Youngest's choir concert; that was nice too. And now my bed is nice.

I talked about the sorta-blah phase and the last month or so I talked about appreciating how much better sober life is...but these past couple days I've been thinking not just about how sobriety improves pretty much all aspects of life but also about "why did I -do- that to myself for so long?!" Sometimes it is more "how could I even -think- of doing that to myself ever again?!" but that's a bit feckless because of course it will cross my mind from time to time...certain kinds of stress seem to just bring That Voice out of the ether in a flash. It's not the "even think about" which is ever the problem with anything; Mr Rogers told us wishing won't make things come true. I just need to make sure that -acting- doesn't seem like a good idea. Right now it totally doesn't and that feels pretty terrific. There is a part of me who has wanted this for a __really__ long time.

4 comments:

  1. I agree. The voice does appear under stress...and occasionally celebration.

    It is harder than it sounds to be content. Being ok with things as they are. Not looking to change anything. Somehow our minds seem to immediately look for something to "fix". But it is in that soft contentedness that I find pure joy.

    I think every time we recognize the voice and choose not to follow these impulsive thoughts that it just strengthens our choice to love and accept ourselves and treat ourselves well.

    I wanted this for a really long time too...

    Anne

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    1. What lovely and profound word. Thanks!

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  2. Anne had a lovely reply!
    I have nothing to add, except
    Happy Day 305!!!
    xo

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    1. Thanks! It feels good. Even on lousy days.

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